Likable Children - Page 2

[ollyoxenfree]

Likeable? I think there are people who are more charming, charismatic, engaging, personable than others. I guess that makes them more likeable - as in easier to enjoy their company and want to be with them. OTOH, I think some overtly charming people come across as superficial and insincere - which isn't too likeable in my book, lol.

I think that these are personality traits and to an extent, children are born with them. I think it's possible to nurture and develop these traits though. It's certainly possible to help a child develop empathy and social skills that make them more likeable.

[MusicianDad]

I do think my children are likable, especially DD, she is such a genuinely kind person that I'm always a shocked when she clashes with someone. It bugs me when that happens because it's always been for a very superficial reason. She had problems with a teacher two years ago because she wasn't willing to look or act like everyone else. She always wears her personality and state of mind in her clothes, and she doesn't do the shunning or cliquing that is common with many kids. The teacher didn't know how to handle her so the teacher found reasons to get her in trouble.

[ann_of_loxley]

Depends on what people like/don't like and that will vary from person to person! lol

Do you think your children are likable? I think people like my older DS because he is quiet and independent and can occupie himself for hours with simple things and is usually well behaved. His personality is one of being cautious and shy so he may not be likable to some people because of that. Some other boys I know his age don't find him likable because of this as they are more boistrous and outgoing whilst he is far from that! - So I guess he could be seen as a bit boring and that for some people is not a likable thing!

DS1 is just a baby and is very happy and smiles at everyone. For the moment - he is very likable by most people! (though most people havn't been in a car with him so that could change! hehe)

How much do you think it matters? I think it matters if our children are happy. If they are not happy - then this is when it could become a problem. I have a friend who has a son that is, for the most part, not-likable by most people based on his personality and behaviour. It is a big issue for them at school. In this case - it matters.

Do you think that kids are born likable or not, or do you think it's something parents can cultivate in a child?

I do think children are born with part of their personality. I think how we raise than can help them flower into beautiful people - or not. Apparently nature/nurture is 40/60 (according to scientists). DS1 was a very placid quite baby - his perosnality didn't shine until much later. DS2 was born very much with a very distinct personality from the start! lol

[GoBecGo]

this thread reminds me of an old parenting book my mum had from the 50's. it had a section on raising girls which said something like:

It is especially important that a female child is polite for her to be likeable. She must be energetic but not demanding, polite but friendly, always ready to listen, not talk too much but be ever ready with kind words, be appropriately studious but not take herself too seriously, take careful care of her appearance without succumbing to vanity, and above all have a strong, caring, morally exemplary character and put others before herself.

My mother had scrawled "not MY daughters!" in the margin.

I don't want my kids to be likeable, or to think becoming likeable is a worthy pursuit. Beauty is ever in the eye of the beholder. Better to find those who appreciate you in life than spend years trying to bend yourself into a shape everyone will like. I guess i could thwart my DD's at times when i think that some people might be put off by their behaviour, but providing they aren't doing anything criminal i don't think it's a worthy thing for me to do either. In general it's quite hard to change what other people think about you. So long as they like themSELVES i will be happy that i did all i could as a mother.

[ollyoxenfree]

I realized that I didn't answer some of your questions.

Do I think my children are likeable? Generally, yes. I've always heard nice comments from other parents and teachers. I know there has been a teacher or 2 who didn't really connect with ds in particular, they didn't appreciate his sense of humour or understand his learning style. I always said I don't expect every person in the world to love or like my children. It's a given that that's an impossibility.

Do I think it matters? I think life is often easier for the charming, easy-going person. I think it is important to develop social skills and an ability to relate to others. But I wouldn't want my children to try to be likeable at the cost of being true to themselves and their ideals, or to rely on personality rather than skills and knowledge to achieve their goals.

[The4OfUs]

Originally Posted by GoBecGo

I don't want my kids to be likeable, or to think becoming likeable is a worthy pursuit. Beauty is ever in the eye of the beholder. Better to find those who appreciate you in life than spend years trying to bend yourself into a shape everyone will like. I guess i could thwart my DD's at times when i think that some people might be put off by their behaviour, but providing they aren't doing anything criminal i don't think it's a worthy thing for me to do either. In general it's quite hard to change what other people think about you. So long as they like themSELVES i will be happy that i did all i could as a mother.

I was going to comment on this, then I read this:

Originally Posted by ollyoxenfree

Do I think it matters? I think life is often easier for the charming, easy-going person. I think it is important to develop social skills and an ability to relate to others. But I wouldn't want my children to try to be likeable at the cost of being true to themselves and their ideals, or to rely on personality rather than skills and knowledge to achieve their goals.

and I totally agree.

I don't want my kids to worry about people liking them, such that they change who they are...however, life is a lot smoother and enjoyable when you can get along and connect with all different kinds of people. There are few people I know that really, honestly would prefer to be in discord with others...usually that comes from some deeper dissatisfaction and not a true desire to not connect with people. So - I don't want my kids bending over backwards or becoming doormats so that everyone likes them, BUT I don't want them to just 'be themselves' if "themselves" is abrasive to others, you know? I draw the line before criminal acts, at disrespectful/abrasive as being the point at which I'd want my kid to change, but only change as far as being respectful/civil.

[2xy]

DS2 is very likable. He's one of those people that charms everyone.

DS1 is likable when you get to know him. He's sort of stand-offish and quiet until he knows you. I don't think he'd be likable to everyone, though. He's friendly and nice enough, but he loves debate, is very smart, and isn't concerned with how others perceive him...so he's quick to call people on B.S. or find holes in your arguments or assertions. I suspect he'd have become a pain in the teacher's....ahem....side if he'd remained in public school.

[captain optimism]

My son is good looking to the point of pretty. He has long eyelashes on his big, wide-set eyes and a lovely smile. He's got a long attention span and loves to come up with projects. Adults usually tell me how great he is, how creative, how funny. He is usually able to make friends with other children--in most situations there are girls who want to make a pet of him.

He's kind of geeky and goofy and a little immature for his age, but I think for most people that's not an obstacle. He has gotten teased a little and verbally bullied by some male peers because he's small and pretty and kind of a goof, always wanting to tell a joke (badly) and eager for approval.

I think he might experience some of the troubles that I had making friends in mid-elementary school when he's older, but I'm not sure. He seems easier at socializing than I was, so far. I'm trying to resist doing what my own mother did with me--boss him around about his peer relationships. I want to trust him to work things out.

[cappuccinosmom]

I do think my children are likeable. They have vastly different personalities, but they are able to get along with most people (of all ages), and others percieve them as "likeable". I'm pretty sure about this since I get comments about this very thing whenever we go out.

I think they are too, because they are interesting, funny, and clever as well as being mostly thoughtful and kind.

I think it matters to some extent, because how we relate to others affects our lives. I guess I don't have a problem with wanting them to be "likeable" because I don't equate that word with "doormat". The truth is, some people are not going to like them, for whatever reason. And that is "some people's" problem, because my kids are absolutely worth being friends with. The goal is not to bow to everyone else in order to make them feel good about themselves and thus be liked by them. The goal is to be a person who is moral, kind, compassionate, and socially adept. That can be accomplished without "betraying" themselves, IMO.

There are people who are pleasant to be around and to relate to, and people who are not. To me, the first category are "likeable" people. They're not likeable because they agree with everything I say, or are weak, or cowed, or anything else. They're likeable because they're decent people who know how to relate to others in a respectful manner, even when there is a strong differing of opinion. For instance, I've been in a room with several people who agreed with each other on an issue, but not with me. One of these people is not likeable, his approach to "discussion" is rude, bombastic, and frankly nasty. The other people are "likeable"--we can have a genuine discussion about the issue, express our disagreements even, without putting each other down, and can do it all over a nice cup of tea and some sandwiches. They also called the rude one on his behavior--IOW they're willing to protect someone who is not just like them over someone who agrees with them because wrong is wrong regardless of anything else.

Or, for another example, a reality show I watch occasionally...two couples, different levels of likeability. One couple deals with very tough stuff in a way that is mature and healthy and tries to maintain kindness throughout, even when there's reasonable anger. The other couple deals with similar situations, but in a way that I can only describe as childish and ridiculous--yelling, hitting, pushing, screaming, hanging up the phone, threatening, name-calling, ultimatums, and the rest. The first couple I'd have no trouble liking. The second couple I would quickly dissasociate from if I knew them in real life.

[ellemenope]

I like my daughter. She is sensitive, empathetic, inquisitive, affectionate, and hilarious.

Is she likable? I dunno. Is she outgoing and charismatic? Absolutely not. Not as of yet, that is.

I love the 'hi' and 'nice to meet you' kids. But, my heart truly melts for the child who steals a glance and then burries their head back into their parent's shoulder.

[meemee]

i like where this thread is going.

i thought a little bit more and find for many my dd is not likeable. which is the reality of all children, everybody isnt it?!!!

my dd is opinionated, thinks out of the box, has these weird ideas - so i see her with other kids and they dont really know what to do with her. dd figures out a way to play with the kids if she wants to...

i remember i myself was not likeable as a teen in my extended family because i rebelled. i stood up and said my peace instead of hiding behind social norms. NOT in an impolite manner. it wasnt all about me. it was about the morality of the situation.

i can see dd heading that way. she has had to battle some already. like pp said it matters what she thinks of herself. when her father was focusing on fat and doing it in a rather shaming way - she had to decide what was more important. being 'liked' by him or being liked by herself. since her dad and i cant really speak i couldnt protect dd. so she had to figure out a way to protect herself. and she did with a little bit of help from me.

[Ravensong13]

I feel conflicted about this. While on the one hand I think being likable certainly has it's benefits in society, I want that to be a trait my daughter develops on her own and that is really a true part of her personality.
Growing up both my parents worked at our church and my Mother was constantly pushing me to be 'liked' by everyone there. That often meant she was correcting what I would say, telling me how to dress, and what to believe. I started to get the feeling that who I really was, my opinions and ideas, were wrong because according to my Mother people wouldn't like me if I was like that. It took me a long time to stand up for myself and even to really realize WHO I really was. It surprised me to find out that I was still a likable person when I was myself. Being who I really was became more important to me than being liked and I started focusing on just being polite but not hiding who I was for the sake of others.
DD seems to be liked by most adults and her peers, but I am focusing more on her developing her sense of self and general manners than creating a 'likable' child. I believe that whether a person likes you or not is really more about them and their feelings than really about who you are.

[LynnS6]

Are my kids likable?
It's funny because I have two kids with very different personalities. Ds is harder to get to know, but more 'likable' once you get to know him, I think. He's more mellow, more willing to compromise. He's also got a great imagination so he's interesting to be with. Kids from the neighborhood seek him out to play.

Dd is much more outgoing and thus more 'likable' on the surface. She meets people much more easily. But her personality, and her age, means that she has many more conflicts in some of her relationships. Life can be hard when (a) you know the best way to do things and (b) aren't afraid to tell other people that they're doing things wrong. She's got a great imagination as well, but she's less willing to compromise. Not as many kids seek her out to play.

How much do you think it matters?
I don't know if it matters to be likable, but it does matter to be liked. It matters if you've got a friend. My kids don't need lots of friends, but they need one or two good ones. Without a friend, life is very lonely.

Do you think that kids are born likable or not, or do you think it's something parents can cultivate in a child?

Some is definitely in-born. I also think what makes someone likable as a child is not what may make them likable as an adult. I'm much more likable as an adult, I think, than as a child. I was frustrated as a child because no one ever took my opinion seriously! (Or so it felt.)

Some skills can definitely be worked on. It's important to not offend people and to listen to others' opinions (we're working on it with dd). Not screaming when someone doesn't do it your way is also a good thing. (I'm hoping that's age related.) There's a balance between being tactful and pointing out that you are in fact right that I always found difficult.

You can also teach basic conversational skills and those do make a difference in how 'likable' someone is. If you can't strike up a conversation, you can't meet people and get to know them.

Other basic skills are also teachable. I teaching my children to introduce themselves and their friends to me. This is very slow going with ds, much easier for dd. But introductions really smooth the path in so many ways.

We've taught our children to greet everyone when they come into a room/house and there are new people there. We're working on shaking hands and looking people in the eye when you do so. (The handshake of peace at church is great for this!)

Some basic personality traits are hard to change. I think they can be masked, but not changed. I'm never going to be very patient, though I'm better than when I was 6. I don't suffer fools gladly, and I'm sure it comes across at times. I dislike people who 'dither' and I'm sure they're offended by my 'snap judgments'.

[Norasmomma]

Well my DD has been likable by most people since she was born, she is just a very personable little girl, BUT there was a moment or 2 where people have seen her at her worst(age 2.5) where she looked like a royal PITA, which of course she was. When she was a baby she was very likable, she said "hi" to everyone at 7 months, she was friendly to a fault when she was a young toddler. She is more cautious now, but is still a very friendly sweet little girl with a huge vocabulary(which many adults find as a likable trait).

DS is incredibly likable, he's a pretty funny and cute little boy. He's got a HUGE smile and his eyes twinkly when he does smile. I've had strangers say his whole face lights up when he smiled at them, he's usually happy. Even few weeks ago when he got his allergy tests done after his blood draw he was instantly smiling after screaming.

Both of our kids are pretty personable, but DH and I are pretty social people with generally nice dispositions, so I'm not that surprised.

[childsplay]

It depends on who is supposed to be liking them.
My oldest (16) is liked by everyone. Seriously, that kid could fall in a bucket of poop and come out smelling like roses. At football games girls hold up signs with his number on them . And he's not conceited. He's nice. It's mind boggling....I have no idea where he came from. He's just a big likeable guy.
But guess what? His Dad doesn't seem to like him. Hasn't made any attempt to see him in years. And DS, he just shrugs it off like oh well, his loss.

My other two boys.......different story. I like them. DH and DS like them. Childless adults or adults with older children like them. People with kids their ages don't like them. Some kids like them, some don't.
While they're very kind boys, caring, helpful and mature, they've got a tough crust, sharp tongue and a keen sense of what's right, and what's wrong. They won't hesitate to tell anyone (adult or child) that what they're doing is wrong and why, if they see an injustice. (to them or anyone else) This has caused some (a lot) issues with other parents over the years. So we mostly do our own thing, I wouldn't want them to change just to be liked. Their teachers like them, because they're eager to learn.

DD, on the other hand, seems to be liked by pretty much everyone she meets. She's more like her oldest brother in that respect.

[loraxc]

Dd is much more outgoing and thus more 'likable' on the surface. She meets people much more easily. But her personality, and her age, means that she has many more conflicts in some of her relationships. Life can be hard when (a) you know the best way to do things and (b) aren't afraid to tell other people that they're doing things wrong.

This is my DD, too. She's very friendly and outgoing and affectionate, and can be very charming, but she also can be very prickly. While she makes a good first impression on almost everyone, when people get to know her a little more they tend to either be very fond of her or to somewhat obviously not care for her. If you don't like children who speak their minds and correct you when you're wrong, you're not going to like her very much. I can actually tell a lot about someone by how they react to her.

My son is very different. He's very sweet, cuddly, and easygoing, and sort of angelic in appearance, too. People tend to dote on him, but it's less of a kindred spirit thing and more just an "Aw, what a sweetie" thing.

[CherryBomb]

IDK, I guess it depends. My 9 year old is, well, 9 So she has a tendency to be annoying. My 5 year old has special needs, so adults usually dote on her and peers shy away from her. My 2 year old is absurdly cute (she's like a kewpie doll or something, seriously plus she's very petite which seems to enhance the cuteness for some reason) and knows how to ham it up, so she's well liked by people of all ages.

I think "likeable" can mean a lot of things. I don't generally enjoy being around kids ages 5-15 or so, but it's not because they're unlikeable, I just find a lot of the general personality traits of those ages really irritating. OTOH, I have been around children that were SERIOUSLY unlikeable, because they were cruel, horribly behaved, etc. So whether or not it's important to be likeable, imo, depends on what exactly we're talking about.

[Daffodil]

I think both my kids are likable - not super charismatic, but cute, friendly, and easy to be around. I wasn't particularly likable, not even to my parents. It made my life harder as a kid, but in the long run I think some of the characteristics that made me less likable ended up making my life better in many ways. I didn't focus on pleasing other people, partly because I didn't know how to, partly because I didn't care to. So I didn't end up like my sister (a much more likable kid), who in her 30's came to feel that she had put so much effort into pleasing other people that she didn't even know what she herself wanted. I suspect some aspects of likability (or at least of not making yourself unlikeable) can be taught, but the kids who most need those lessons are probably also the ones who have the least interest in learning them, and the least ability to understand them.

[lilyka]

I wanted to add, my one dd who was not particularly likable but not at all unlikeable either (she was the weird but pleasant kid) was perfectly happy. Perhaps more so than her sister (the very likable one) who constantly needed attention from others (and still does). Maddee on the other hand was happy to go off and play by herself if no one else was interested in playing with her etc. She was sweet and polite just not the social butterfly flirt that draws everyone to her. But like the OP s child she was happy to get to where she was going and do the thing she was excited to do.