Once my 5 year old loses it, I can't get things back under control - Page 3

[Petie1104]

WOW, this thread, for some reason just reminded me of incident years ago when dss was 5.  He wanted dinner, I was getting everything ready to make dinner, meatloaf and mashed potatoes.  So I was sitting there with ground beef, raw potatoes, raw corn on the cob, just starting to get everything put together.  Dss walked out and demanded dinner, at which point I told him I was getting ready to make it, at which point he started screaming about how he wanted dinner right NOW!.  For some reason I was really cranky, probably his brother's colic, so I told him, "Fine, here you go" and handed him a raw potato.  He looked at me and said, "What's this?"  I said, "It's your dinner about an hour before it's done.  Eat up."  Of course he didn't, he threw the potato on the floor and walked to his room crying. 

Anyway, your marker story made me remember that.  I just wanted to say that I know what you are going through as I have btdt.  Most my kids have a pretty bad temper and have had to go through the tantrums.  Hang in there, it does get better.  For some reason, my youngest has never really thrown an all out tantrum.  I'm going to say that I'm just that good. LOL Actually he is just really not the tantrum throwing type. But, before I get ahead of myself, he's 4, so I may be on here next year crying because I've got yet another one with a temper.LOL

[MrsH]

This thread had so many great suggestions that we've been implementing.  I don't know whether it's what we did, or the passage of time, or both, but our planned response to tantrums in our 4.5 year old ds (once he's going) has been:

• gently pick him up and move to couch or other quieter spot
• Say: "we use our words in this family.  You'll use your words when you're ready."
• Say: "I love you even when you're really angry, and I know you love me."
• Then I stay nearby, or snuggle with him if he's amenable to it (usually not).  Occasionally I've had to leave b/c he wouldn't settle with me nearby

We always talk about it afterward and I try to honor whatever his request or need was at that moment.  The key to this working has been to also spend a lot of conversational time during moments that he's quiet.  We talk about what happened, we identify feelings a lot more, I watch him more closely so that sometimes I can catch him before he loses it and remind him that in our family we use words.  I say "I love you" more often and engage with him more regularly.  We talk about when other people get mad, and what things they/we can do to calm our bodies down, such as jumping jacks, screaming in a pillow, balloon breathing, or stomping feet.  Lastly, I've modeling myself doing that.  I'll say "I'm starting to feel really frustrated."  If the behavior continues "ok, I'm taking a deep breath now, so I can stay calm.  Let me take a break right here and just sit here for a moment.  Gosh I'm feeling so mad right now I could scream, but I'm going to find a way to use my words." 

It's been helping a LOT, the tantrums are now maybe once or twice a week and generally it's easy to identify that he was really hungry or tired.  Thanks everyone, for your great suggestions!

[pregnant@40]

My 6 year old can tantrum at times, though they're fewer/farther between. He is a very sensitive kid in general, and emotional regulation has at times been his challenge. Usually the best way to deal w/ tantrums is recognize the triggers early & deescalate the tension right away -- lower the volume/tone of your voice (keep it very soft, or bring down the volume even more low, it can snap them out of it sometimes), reflect the statements your child just stated (ie. just restate their words, to show you understand what they're trying to tell you), and try to put their emotions into words ("that must be very frustrating for you"). All of this helps your kid slow down and verbalize their needs w/out a tantrum.

But when these things don't work & he's in the midst of a tantrum, I try to not feed into it w/ either a positive or negative response (ie. responding emotionally = feeding into it = rewarding the behavior w/ attention). I may say, "that's not appropriate behavior", "screaming is not OK", "I"m going to leave the room now, just let me know when you're done & then we'll talk about it". I stay lovingly neutral and matter-of-fact, and pull my attention and/or presence away from the situation until he has gathered himself. By not responding in a strong way, I am taking some of the power out of his tantrum (and showing him that his feelings are not scary or overwhelming for me, so that he doesn't feel overwhelmed w/ his own feelings & can ultimately learn that he has control/power over his own strong feelings). Afterwards, we are able to debrief the entire scenario through calm, rational conversation. Emotional regulation is something all of us have to learn, so I feel that my approach to tantrums gives him time to skill-build. I never punish or shame him for losing it.

It's taken a few years to get to this point, but like I said, tantrums are now more rare & he is generally able to verbalize his frustration or other feelings, and communicate his needs. He's still a work in progress, but arent' we all.

Edited by pregnant@40 - 11/23/10 at 10:18pm