Feeling defeated...(xposted)

[sattygirl99]

(xposted to my DDC)

I hope this isn't a jumbly mess... If it is, I'm sorry. Emotions are running high, I'm about to honestly just go take a shower and cry for a while.

My MW was here for our visit (we switch to weekly from here)... My BP is still too high.. .150/100. She wants me to do labs and I'm looking at risking out if the labs aren't good.

We have worked SO hard for this birth. I'm sitting here thinking about my birth pool, all my supplies... how hard my husband has worked to make this happen... And I feel like it's being ripped away from me.

Right now we're in waiting mode... Supposed to go do labs tomorrow afternoon.. If they're normal then we can wait it out (but isn't my high BP a risk for ME too?)... if they're mildly abonormal then we start pushing natural induction very hard... cohoshes every 30 min, castor oil... If they're bad... I risk out and I have no OB to even risk out to, which means a RCS with some doc I don't even know. All my planning, preparing... gone. I'm tempted to just start the cohoshes tonight... My cervix is dilating (1 CM, 70% effaced so 'super thin' she called it), and baby is a bit lower than before (between -2 and -1, not quite either she said, which is fine, DD didn't completley drop until well into labor).

From what we can tell, baby seems healthy... Weight guess (by palp) is 8.5lbs right now (would be my biggest baby for sure, DS was 5 11 at 37+1, DD was 7.5 at 41+3)... MW agrees with me that baby is bigger than my others... I've said the whole time 8.5-9.5lbs depending on the when. Bigger baby doesn't scare me... My body grew it, it can handle it... But the BP thing... Totally unexpected, totally unprepared for it. It was my MOTHERS fear for me this time and I feel like she pushed that fear into a reality. (yes, that's dumb but she's harped on it the entire pregnancy, that I am at such a risk for hypertension/pre-e because she had it with me and I was a summer pregnancy)

I feel completely defeated. Part of me wants to just give up and walk in and have the c-section. Maybe I'm not supposed to have this birth. I don't want to believe that... I don't want to believe that I was destined to have 3 surgical births. I don't want to believe I was destined to have a broken body that just can't do it the normal way. Why did God give me this pregnancy, lead me down this path and then take it away?

I am scared. For the first time in a while, I'm scared. I won't have the help I need post c-section. DH doesn't have the vacation... we don't have the money for him to be off with me for 6 weeks. My family is no good for help. None. My mom helped me for 3 or 4 days after my first c-section...I drove myself to my 2 week follow up because I had no help. My grandmother helped me for a few days after DD's birth... I lugged around the carseat with baby in it myself. My recovery was horrible. Breastfeeding was horrible. I couldn't get out of bed by myself for a month. I HAD to take pain medication... I got away without it the first time but with DD, I took it for several weeks at night just to be in minor relief.

I feel defeated... I feel done. I am huge, uncomfortable and just ready to meet this baby who is giving me so much trouble. I want to know that the baby is safe. And that means getting this baby to come out of me.

Sorry to lose it ladies... I feel like I'm losing everything I have worked so hard for. Everything I have fought for, defended for... Like in the blink of 48 hours, it could all be gone.

[shenanegans]

you poor thing. Listen, staying positive is one of the hardest and most important things at the end of pregnancy when you are going into a vbac. I had my hbac in July, I had my beautiful midwives but I was also followed by my family Dr. He moved just 2 weeks before my due date and his replacement really tried to scare me out of my decision to have a home birth. I ended up skipping my last few appointments with him, just to save my mental sanity because I felt I was so sensitive to his negativity. I really didn't need it. Whenever I started to doubt myself, I would lie down and read some positve affirmations and then go to sleep so the idea had time to settle in my mind. Here are a few I used, I kept a paper by my bed but you can add any others that suit your situation. (ex. blood pressure)
My baby and I are loved and supported.
It is safe for me to have my baby (at home, at the birth center etc)
There is nothing to fear.
I am calm and relaxed, my baby feels my calmess and shares it.
The baby and I are ready for our lives together.
The movements of my uterus are massaging and rocking my baby.
The rhythym of my uterus as it expands and contracts brings me closer to my baby.
The baby is decending naturally.
The baby's head fits perfectly in my pelvis.
My vagina expands easily as my baby's head crowns and then emerges into our hands.

[Kimrose]

Well, first - I am SO SORRY that you're surprised w/something like that at this point. I'm planning my own HBAC so I can imagine/know how much has gone into it ♥ I KNOW it's easier said than done - but I can't help but think TRY not to stress b/c it can only hurt things all around...and DON'T give in to assuming you'll need a c-section if you do have to switch care. Would your MW switch to Doula care for you if that happens - to help you still have a birth you'd most want in the hospital? I KNOW it must feel overwhelming - and in hard moments - like "maybe I should just give up and have a section" - but if you've worked THIS hard - I know it MUST MATTER to you - so I'd say if you end up in that situation I would STILL fight for my VBAC - and remember that no matter what ANYONE says - NO ONE can force you to have a cesarean - TRULY. I've admittedly never experienced the HBP and don't know what risks/changes it causes re: labor and birth - wishing you good, caring, informed people who help you every step of the way - and that you get GOOD NEWS - or the strength to do the BEST YOU CAN no matter what! GOOD LUCK - Thinking of you and wishing you a GREAT BIRTH! ♥

[justKate]

Oh mama, huge hugs to you: (((((s)))))

I don't think you really want to give up, it just seems overwhelming.

Would your midwife be able to help you through a conservative induction, if it becomes necessary? Obviously you don't want to be induced, but you don't have to give up on your VBAC just because you're risked out of your homebirth. I know some of the ladies are going to chime in, but please don't give up. You ARE strong. You WILL be in control of this birth, no matter what happens. Keep the faith, mama. And keep us posted.

[ShwarmaQueen]

It is disappointing, understandably. But right now there are just hypotheticals situations tossing around and so you've got to just BREATHE. Yes, it would be sad to give up your homebirth, but it doesn't mean you couldn't VBAC in the hospital if BP wasn't too high and you fought for a foley induction. Are there any VBAC friendly hospitals around to keep in mind, just in case?

[cairomama]

Don't just look in your town for hospital options, there may be good options within driving distance. I drove 2 hours for my VBAC and it was completely worth it.

[sattygirl99]

VBAC friendly yes... VBA2C friendly, no. I *could* go to the local hospitals in labor and fight my way through it... But to go in there with iffy bloodwork and high BP, they aren't going to want to do anything but a c-section.

My MW doesn't have hospital rights. There is one hospital I know we could go to in labor but those MW's there don't take my insurance.

Right now I'm debating declining the blood work... I'm not showing any signs of pre-e or anything... I'm due in 5 days. My next visit is on Thursday of next week... If my BP is till too high for her then, maybe blood work might be a good idea. Right now, the cohoshes are lowering it so I'm just going to keep taking them (but not every half hour, lol, like 4 times a day like the bottle says). If it works, go with it right? I delivered DD at 41.3... I'm not expecting to go that far this time... I'm anticipating by 40.5 weeks.

Sigh... I feel better today than I did when I wrote this last night. I'm just having to take a step back and that's not easy...

Thanks to everyone... This is a sucky place to be in!

[LisaSedai]

Hang in there. Have you tried meditation? It can lower B/P. Good luck.

[sattygirl99]

I'm doing hypnobabies... I actually get more anxious with hypnosis... I'm apparently odd LOL.

[MamaChef]

Originally Posted by sattygirl99

I'm doing hypnobabies... I actually get more anxious with hypnosis... I'm apparently odd LOL.

I've done birth trauma and childbirth hypnosis for years now and there are lots of people who get more anxious with hypnosis. If specific tracks seem to rile you up more, then do your own visualizations at night. Imagine the blood pressure monitor's liquid going down down down to a perfectly healthy range. Imagine doing whatever strenuously active thing you can. Hit things, in your visualizations if you need to.

Being in water might be really helpful, just floating..

It sounds like you have a whole lot of bound up energy. Have you thought of acupuncture?

Good luck, Mama.

[lexiejk4]

I pray that you have progressed in the last few days!

[CookAMH]

I know it was a week ago you posted so I don't know where things stand now. But a couple quick things about your BP - when was it taken, how was it taken? Are you heavier set? I ask those b/c of the following recommendations I have seen:

Take it later in the appt, well after you have arrived or she arrived, take it after laying down on your left side for 10 min. My bp was always higher if it was taken first thing, and always normal later on in the appt. Don't talk during the taking. If you are heavier (as I am) make sure a large cuff is used. I got to the birth center in labor with DS and with the small cuff, my bp was like 155/110 and they were worried! But the m/w said to the nurse, did you use the large cuff? Nope, she didn't, and it was totally normal with the large cuff for my beefier biceps .

Also, there are differnet protocols I read up on for lowering bp, that I saved from when I was pregnant with DS:

BP info
In my state a rise of 30 systolic [top number]and/or a rise in diastolic [bottom number] of 30/15 on 2 occasions is an indication for a consult. Of course, I start on 125 g of protein and 2000 mg of Calcium/Magnesium and 3 qts h2o- probably the same as you- after the 1st high bp. I've only had one mom not respond, so the second bp is usually back to normal.

~*~*~*~*~

* juice of half a lemon or lime plus two teaspoons of cream of tartar in on half cup water taken once a day for three days. Can repeat dose after a two day rest.

This is my midwife's recipe for lowering blood pressure
- raw garlic, 2 times per day
- 500 vitamin c daily
- increase calcium: 2000 mg/day
- increase folic acid - 800 mg
- rest on left side 2 times per day - 1 hr each
- Hot foot baths, Epsom salt baths
- increase protein
- 10-12 glasses of water per day
- salt food to taste

For edema - dandilion capsules 1/day

Also - from other reading I've sone: scullcap tea; lavendar oil (especially if given during a relaxation massage); decrease carbs

Hoping for an update soon!

In the event you "risk" out, maybe put a post on your local tribe for an OB recommendation.