Responding to tantrums

[oceanbaby]

I feel like dh and I do a pretty good job most days at handling little meltdowns that ds has, and that we have a good balance between listening to what he wants, trying to give it to him when we can, but being firm about things that are non-negotiable or we can't do at the moment.

But I'm starting to get worried that we are encouraging tantrums. Like tonight - we were leaving my in-law's house. Dh brought ds's little golf set in from outside to dry it off before putting it in our car. Ds wanted to play golf. We said we had to go, tried to distract him, etc. etc. He started to throw a fit. So I said "Okay, one time you can hit the ball, then we need to go." So fine. While he is doing that, dh puts the bag in the car. Ds is done with his putt, and we go to leave, and he throws a fit because he wanted to carry his bag to the car. Total meltdown. So dh gets the bag out of the car, and lets him carry it back out.

My problem is that if ds were just to say "I wanted to carry the bag out!" I would have no problem getting it and letting him carry it out. But he goes immediately into tantrum mode, and then I feel like I am stuck - either be kind of unfair and say too bad so sad, or else let him do it, but feel like I am teaching him that the way to get what he wants is to throw a fit.

Ds is almost 3, and not very verbal, so it's hard to depend on him to explain or ask for things. So what do you do when they immediately tantrum - are you worried that by giving them what they want that you are encouraging it? Or do you treat this as them just communicating to you in the only way that they know how, and you do your best to accommodate them?

[supervee]

If you ask him to stop and take a breath and then communicate to you (maybe by him showing you with his hands) what he wants, would he do it? Most of the time I can remember to do that with DS (a little over 3) and it usually works. I say something like "I cannot understand you when you are freaking out. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe. Now tell (or show) me what you want." I want him to learn to speak up for what he wants in a loud but very clear way.

That's only one specific type of tantrum, I think what you're describing with the bag fits it... but there are other types of tantrums I would respond differently to.

hth.

[Bippity]

Very much like supervee said... I've just been reading The HAppiest Toddler on the Block & I'm wondering if it will work. It's your basic communication skills pared town for toddlerhood. They recommend mirroring the childs feelings with very short phrases & repeat each phrase at least 5 times. Start with explaining the situation in short sentences, then mirror child's feeings (or what you figure he/she must be feeling) and then state the limits of what you can do. Like this:

You want it... You're mad. You want, You want it NOOOW... You're MAAAADDD.... and You want it now... (be enthusiastic-to empathize with child's level of energy)

But, No... No clubs, it's time to go... No clubs, Noooooo clubs,

Then offer some distraction or a hug or teach words so he can say how mad he was, "boy you were really mad, you were feeling so angry. When I feel angry, I... (stomp my feet or growl or do something that won't hurt others). Or say I wish I could give you... (fantisize he got what he wants in a wish),

Then, when all settles down & the tantrum is over. State your feelings, too with the You-I format. When You were upset about the clubs, I felt angry. I was MAD, MAD, MAD that we couldn't go to Grandmas.

I don't know if this will work yet, DD's only tantrum has been when she's sitting on a kitchen towel & it's stuck underneath her & she wants it on her head! She's pulling away & screaming at the towel! (she's just 11 months, so we're just starting this!)

[Scout]

ITA with what the previous posters said here. I've been doing this, and it *really* helps. In your particular scenario, I probably would have tried to help him calm down and ask me what he wants, and then I'd have gotten the bag out for him to carry back to the trunk. I think it's important to offer solutions to a calm child, not while they're still freaking out... to let them know that, together, you can figure it out.

I am getting really good at predicting what tasks my son will want to do. I feel like I'm constantly asking him "Do you want to do this or should I?" Sometimes he'll say no, he doesn't want to and then change his mind. And sometimeI then let him do the task and sometimes I don't. It depends on how it all plays out. I totally know what you mean about thinking you're giving in to their every whim and demand. Sometimes I *know* he is just being wishy-washy and trying to see how far he can go, and other times I can see that he really wanted to do something.

Is this even making sense? I haven't finished my first cup of coffe yet!

~Scout

[LunaMom]

I think that if you have already said no, giving in "a little" is a bad idea - so if you said no golf because it was time to leave, then letting him hit one ball after that does undermine your limit.

But the immediate tantrums are definitely another type of situation. I'm familiar with that - you have no idea your child wants something, like to buckle himself into his carseat, and he begins to scream as soon as you start buckling him. And you would have been happy to let him do it if he just asked.

I think stopping him and showing him how to ask helps. I've done this with my daughter, even giving her the actual words sometimes. When she repeats them, I will often grant her request, and then remind her to try that the FIRST time she wants something. And then you have to be on the lookout for when that happens, and PRAISE it like crazy: "Sure you can carry the bag yourself, sweetie, and what a nice way of asking! When you ask nicely, I'm happy to let you do it!"

Good luck!

[supervee]

Or do you treat this as them just communicating to you in the only way that they know how, and you do your best to accommodate them?

Adding... Yes, I think when they are screaming and all worked up, they are still communicating. But screaming and yelling is not the best way to get stuff you want (most of the time!) and plus it upsets everyone.

If he does calm down and ask clearly, I will 99% of the time find a way to get what he wants, even if it means backtracking. I don't think I am reinforcing the tantruming, but rather the asking calmly & clearly.

[angelmatt]

Thank you all, this advice is so very helpful!

[oceanbaby]

Thank you - it's so hard to get perspective sometimes when you're caught up in the whirlwind of it all.

I do usually try to get him to calm down and explain to me what he is asking for. Sometimes this works very well, and I am able to give him what he wants. Other times, like last night, he is just too far gone, and nothing will calm him. Those are the times that I feel really stymied - like I said in my OP, I don't want to deny what he is asking just because he is tantruming (which I do respect as his attempt at communication), but then again, I really don't him to learn that he gets what he wants by throwing a fit.

And yes, last night I wished that I had offered to let him putt one more time right from the start, rather than saying we needed to go, and then letting him do a putt after he got upset. It's something I've been working on but am not yet perfect at - thinking it all through before saying 'no', so I don't have to backtrack.

Of course, it really doesn't help to be doing all of this in front of my inlaws, after I listen to my SIL go on about how when her dd throws a fit she ignores her and walks away. Now, there have been times when I have tried my best to work it out with ds, and he just needs to go through the fit, that I have walked away, telling him that I'll be here when he wants me. But I don't think it is raising a spoiled child to try to help them work through their tantrum as much as possible. But it sure feels like a fine line sometimes between helping them through it, and giving them what they want to make them stop.

[Piglet68]

Hang in there, oceanbaby. You're doing a great job!

I don't have much to add, except that I really liked what Bippity said, and I try to practice this myself. If DD is getting upset b/c she wants something and I have no idea what that is, I have begun saying "show mama, show mama". It's working well so far, as soon as she starts getting agitated b/c I'm not "getting it", I say "show mama" and then she'll usually go and point to the object or something to help me understand. I think she just gets caught up in the frustration of not communicating and needs a gentle "take a deep breath" reminder to pull it together enough to show me.

I also make a point to repeat things, like "oh, you want that book?" or "oh, you want to ride on mama's back". Even if the answer has to be "mama is too tired right now for piggy back" I still make a point to acknowledge what she asked for so she knows I heard her.

I also know what you mean about the backtracking. I have tried very hard to "warn" DD of things happening or changing, like leaving the playground, etc. so that she has time to mentally prepare. When I don't do this, it is definitely harder, and I'm more tempted to say "okay, one more time". On the one hand, I think it's bad for her to learn that "no" sometimes means "one more time". But OTOH, I think it's okay to say "one more time" IF you are always consistent about it being only that one time AND if you didn't preface it with an absolute (I'm learning to say "perhaps" instead of automatically "no" to allow myself that freedom).

[Korwynne]

Well, you said that you said no, he threw a fit, you gave in.. you told him no, he had meltdown and you gave in again. Not to be critical (please, please don't take it that way!), but IMO that's exactly how you get to the "if I throw a fit I get my way" point. It's SO hard to not just react though.. you definitely have to be able to keep control of your emotions and sanity!

I try to offer my daughter choices before it's a problem.. it doesn't always work, but it does most of the time... if we were leaving somewhere, I'd ask her if she wants to carry x or y... or if she wants to carry something or if she'd like to give it to mommy, etc.

If she does have meltdown, we usually tell her that we can't help her if we don't understand what she needs.. we say "lets take a deep breath together and calm down and then we can talk about it".. at first it didnt' work, but after she got used to it, it works most of the time... once in awhile she'll say "I'm not in the mood to take a deep breath!" (in which case we'll tell her to find somewhere to sit while she cries about it and then we can talk when she's ready). When she calms down, we'll start talking about what happenned... (ie.. are you sad because you didn't get to do x? Are you angry because y?). We try to give her the words to express what she's feeling. Once I know what she's upset about, I'll model the words I want her to use like "mommy, may I please carry that bag".. and then I'll tell her that's the nice way to ask because Mommy KNOWS what she wants.. then i'll let her do it, and I'll praise her for asking nicely (even if she hasnt' done anything but nod).

The whole happiest baby on the block concept just ticked my daughter off. I think she thought I was making fun of her.

[Scout]

Originally posted by Piglet68
I also know what you mean about the backtracking. I have tried very hard to "warn" DD of things happening or changing, like leaving the playground, etc. so that she has time to mentally prepare. When I don't do this, it is definitely harder, and I'm more tempted to say "okay, one more time".

Yes, I totally agree. If I'm not confident that I have followed my own rules, per se, of preparing my son for something, and then he has a meltdown, I invariably backtrack and say, "Okay, a few more minutes." And it feels wrong when I'm doing it, but I feel obligated to keep up my end of the bargain. KWIM?

[oceanbaby]

Well, you said that you said no, he threw a fit, you gave in.. you told him no, he had meltdown and you gave in again. Not to be critical (please, please don't take it that way!), but IMO that's exactly how you get to the "if I throw a fit I get my way" point.

Don't worry, I won't take it the wrong way!

The first time, yes, that is what happened. Well, I said no, and then I said, okay one more time. Like the above two posters were just saying about forgetting to give notice that you're leaving the playground soon. I shouldn't have done that, I should have thought ahead to tell him that he could play with it one more time and then we were leaving, before saying no.

But with the 2nd part - I didn't say no necessarily. We had just put the bag away, and then he freaked out about wanting to put it away himself. I was trying to get him to calm down, but he was too wound up and it wasn't working like it usually does. So this is where I was really kind of confused - do I not let him have what he wants because he is tantruming, whereas I would if he asked nicely, or do I let him have it because it is an okay thing for him to have in the first place?

I usually do what a lot of you have mentioned - I ask him to calm down, take a deep breath, and help me understand what he wants. If it's something I really can't give him, then we just go through it together. Rarely he gets ouf of control enough that I have to step away and let him know that I am here when he is done.

[michaelsmama]

consistency and simplicity!

HI-Just adding my 2 cents...

My son is 14 months but I work with preschoolers who tantrum/are aggressive and with their parents so I have a few thoughts...

1. Be consistent. If you say last time, it's the last time. If he can't stand on the table today, he can't tomorrow, or next week...
2. Be simple - don't give long explanations about why you set a limit, just say it simply and move on. "We keep our feet on the floor." Use the same, simple phrases over and over so your child knows what to expect when you say something.
3. The key is helping children learn to deal with disappointment and then MOVE ON - to another activity or choice. "I know you're mad but we don't stand on the table. Let's go read a book..."
4. Offer choices whenever possible - choices you can live with. Not, "Do you want to get dressed?" (if it's not an option not to), but "Do you want to wear the red shirt or the blue shirt?"
5. Use the 1-2-3 rule. "Michael, it's time to clean up. Mama's going to count to 3, and if you don't clean up, the TV goes off/ car goes away/doll goes away. 1...2...3..." Then - "Good job listening - thank you." OR "I'm sorry, but TV goes off/other consequence." Always use consequences you can enforce right away - taking away tomorrow's trip to the park or dessert is meaningless to a young child who will never remember why no dessert/park...
6. Empty threats are empty - if you can't enforce it, don't say it. You're not going to stop being your child's friend, or take away dinner for a week, or whatever...
7. Try to remove child from the situation if that will help - go nurse, snuggle in the store dressing room, or whatever - maybe a change of scenery will distract (when Michael was tantrumming in the store we left the section and went to nurse - he seemed to just want my undivided attention. After a few minutes he was better and we returned to shopping...)
8. Always, always end with the fact that you love your child, no matter what the outcome!!!!!

Good luck!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[tinaq]

I have to agree w/ Bippity, too. I have used this method w/ my 3 yo ds in the past few days after seeing it on this board. I felt a little silly doing it @ first (I don't know why, I just didild), but it's worked AMAZINGLY well. He was prone to SCREAMING uncontrollably & hitting & kicking as well. So, I just had to add this as my 2 cents. HTH.

Tina

[asherah]

I have also started telling ds, camly, that some things are making mommy mad.. in the hopes of modeling the language for him...

like:
"It makes mommy mad when you throw your food on the floor because she has to clean it all up. If you don't want the food you can tell mommy all done. Mommy loves you and wants to help you, but we don't throw the food on the floor."

I want him to know you can get mad at people and still love them, and also that telling someone you are mad is better than having a tantrum.

Do you more experienced moms think that's helpful, too?