recently divorced

[Ligeia]

I don't know exactly what I'm looking for here except for maybe some understanding and advice. This may be just a vent and if so, thanks for listening!
My ex and I separated in March and the divorce will be final in another month. We moved quickly because it felt so final as soon as we were apart. I got married when I was 18. I was hurt and unable to see any kind of possibilities for myself so when he came along, it seemed like the best that I could get. He was very controlling in a manipulative, very critical way. We have a four year old dd and a two year old ds. I have struggled and still am with the question of whether it was the right thing to do for my children or not. I would have left sooner if I hadn't believed it was out of the question for their sake. It just became so unbearable. I decided I didn't want to set the example for them of having settled for an unhappy relationship or of being unable to stand up for yourself. We didn't argue a lot with them around but we grew very cold with each other, very critical and we would often yell after the kids went to bed. I assume they didn't hear a lot of that but I also assume they heard their "share". Now I am struggling with guilt for choosing my own happiness over my childrens'.
My dd is having a hard time dealing with it. At first, she seemed fine but then she started acting much differently. Lately, she wants to pretend to be a baby all the time and have me take care of her. I understand she is feeling needy and needs the attention. She was also becoming violent with her brother, hurting him on purpose by hitting him or knocking him over, etc. I'm worried about her. I don't know what to tell her when she says "why can't you just come home now?" "we want you back now." "I miss you." "if you love me why can't you come back?" I have to work a lot now as my financial security is severely changed so I can only see them two days a week, which I think is part of the hard adjustment. Its like they have forgotten that I was the one doing nearly everything as far as parenting before and now they just want to be with dad. I think they're more adjusted to staying in their familiar home and they see him so much more that they seem almost uncomfortable with me sometimes.
I don't have any idea what's normal and what's not. How long will it take a four year old to adjust? How will I know if my two year old is having a hard time too? He seems so oblivious to any emotional changes and is the same old happy boy.
Another issue with the kids' adjustment is my ex. He keeps trying to do things and say things to 'win' me back always in front of the kids. He once interrupted my daughter as we were having a very normal moment right before exchanging them to say "we need you to come home." At which point my dd stopped what she was doing and piped in. I felt cornered. Now that I have returned the gifts and I think the divorce is finally sinking in, he won't even say anything to me. He answers me with one word sentences, acts bitter and betrayed if I need anything for the kids. I asked for help with money for buying our son some shoes last week (he had none that fit him and ex had lost the one pair he did have). Ex okayed it as I literally have nothing at all outside of my budget. I bought them and then when it came time to exchange them, I came over and asked about it. He said something like "its unfair for you to be asking me for help & I'm not giving you any money unless you leave the shoes here for his use at my house" He said this while walking away from me and refusing to even have a mature conversation. The kids see this stuff. I'm so afraid I've just made everything worse by making the decision to finally leave. I worry all the time that it was the wrong decision. All of these horrible things have been happening in my life since leaving and it feels like sometimes the universe is trying to tell me something even though I know I will wilt completely in that household again.
Please ladies, I just want to hear what 'normal' looks like for my children in this situation. Any experiences that you may have had in any kind of similar situation would be appreciated. I'm sorry this is so long, I guess I needed to get some things off my chest. It seems from other posts that that is somewhat normal for this thread! MDC is so great for those feelings of sisterhood that can be gleamed through all of these threads.
Ok that was cheesy, I'm stopping now!
TIA

[VocalMinority]

I suspect I'm more in favor than the average MDC member of trying to keep a marriage together, for the kids. And I definitely feel it's a responsibility of parenthood to put your kids' needs above your own wants. But even I recognize that:

* Kids don't need a home full of misery that's perpetuated "for their sake".

* They need an example of how to construct a healthy marriage and home, when they're adults. If they can't have that, it's better for them to have the cautionary tale of what a spouse won't put up with, than to learn from their mother's example that women will put up with anything.

* One person in a marriage cannot make it work. If your husband were willing to try to improve his behavior, sure, you should've given him the chance. But if your choice was accept treatment that you would not want your daughter to put up with, in a marriage; or leave... then leaving was probably the right thing - not just for you, but for your kids.

I cannot speak to how long it will take your older child to adjust. But my ex and I split up when our twin sons were 2 and I don't think they experienced much grief over it, ever. There was a while when they used to get upset about leaving with him, for visits. But I think some of that was normal separation anxiety. (My current 2-year-old is the product of a happy, loving marriage and adores his Daddy, but he still cries if I go to the grocery without him.) Some of it (with the twins) was also that they picked up on my negativity, on days when their Dad picked them up and I felt angry with him. But even then, it seemed like by the time they got to the end of my front walkway, the twins were OK and eager to find out what they were going to do with their Dad. Now they're teenagers, my ex and I are both remarried, with new babies and they have seemed to take it all in stride and just accept that this is how their family is. No angst. It helps that my ex and I let go of all of our resentments toward each other and are very friendly. I hope that, in time, you and your ex can do the same. It's definitely better when kids don't feel - forever - like their parents are hurting and they need to take a stand and defend one of them.

[bronxmom]

I would suggest you check out the single parenting forum as I assume they would have a lot more advice for you. Your post raised some big questions for me about why you only see your kids 2 days/week and why your ex is living in the house with the kids while you have to work non-stop. You may be entitled to certain things that you don't know how to get or that you don't realized you are entitled to - e.g., possibly staying in the house, more custody time, child support so you are not so broke. It sounds like he has a lot of the money and the power and is trying to use it to manipulate you and all your daughter sees is that you "left", which is a false perception probably fed by your ex. Your kids love and need you. I"m sure they need your dad too, but they need you and want you and don't let your ex tell you otherwise. Check out single parenting for much more concrete and specific advice from other moms who have likely been in your place. Look into free legal advice in your area. Good luck to you!

Btw, I've read that 2-4 is the best age to divorce if you're going to do it - that kids adjust much better at that age. So I would focus less on "did you do the right thing?" and more on how to set things up so you are secure and you can maintain your relationship with your kids.

[mtiger]

I'm kind of curious why you'd leave two young children with someone who is apparently controlling, manipulative and emotionally abusive. How is that right for the kids?

[VocalMinority]

Perhaps I misunderstood. Are your kids living primarily with your husband? I assumed you meant that you only get to spend significant time with them two days a week, because of your busy work schedule. And in that case, no, you're not necessarily wronging them, by breaking up your marriage.

But if you believe your husband is abusive, it sends a confusing message to your kids that he's too hurtful for you to be around, but you've chosen to let him raise them. If you're in the US, he's not entitled to force non-custodial parenthood on you, by denying you financial support to which you're probably entitled. If that's what's going on, please call your local Legal Aid - OR the nearest law school, which may have students that can give advice, or help steer you in the right direction, even if they can't represent you in court. Or try a women's shelter. You may not need to stay there, but they're certainly equipped to advise women who are being victimized and denied access to their children by a controlling and/or abusive husband.

[Ligeia]

I guess its more complicated than I mentioned. We owned a business together so we've sort of created a trade off for my half of the business balancing out child support payments I would have been making to him. We hired a mediator who suggested this as she calculated I would have to owe him $250 a month due to the fact he has them more than me, though I would NEVER be able to even come close to affording that right now, which is part of my confusion. I assume a woman who's career is built upon resolving divorces would know how to calculate child support but it does seem unfair. Though now that I'm writing this, I realize that she never addressed what he may owe me in this exchange. He lives in the house we lived in because we also owned another which I got. I can't afford the mortgage so there are tenants in it now. I also unexpectedly incurred a lot of medical expenses immediately after leaving which has put me more in a financial bind. The children are definitely the most important thing to him in his life, more important than I ever was. I think with this situation thrust upon him, he has learned a few things and will be a good father. He and his family have a pretty selfish vein running through them and do tend to manipulate even when they don't realize it. I feel I can help balance that out though, especially being more able sit with myself and not be manipulated personally. At least that's the goal.
I appreciate all of the suggestions. Sincerely, thank you! I didn't even think about checking out a law school or a women's shelter. There's a place right by my house. I assumed not being able to afford a lawyer, I would have to figure this stuff out on my own.

[Oh the Irony]

Your daughter could really benefit from seeing a good play therapist. I was fortunate and found one that does EMDR and attachment work as well.

It's interesting that you noted the regressions. Our therapist would actually have me feed my 4/5 year old with a spoon or bottle feed him while we talked--some about love. It was very grounding for him.

My son who was 8 probably had counseling for 2 years off and on. My little guy was two when my ex left. He started acting out--more tantrums and later aggression. He started play therapy probably when he was almost 3 and had it pretty regularly until he was about 5 1/2. Believe me, you will know if he is having issues.

They also really pick up our stress so try and be as relaxed as you can when you have them.

Hopefully a therapist can also sort out your ex. The longer he says stuff about being back together the worse it will be for them. You saying something will make it worse--a professional "might" get through to him.

You should be able to find an online CS calculator for your state and check to see if the mediator was on target.

[MissLotus]

Yikes! I would not agree to the situation as it is. You say the divorce isn't final yet - get legal help, don't go along with your current "mediator" - this is way, way too important to just take whatever you're told. Unless you're been negligent or abusive to your kids, no judge is going to take custody away from you - your ex might get half but your kids need to see YOU a lot more, especially if you've been their primary caregiver. A lawyer will help YOU get a better financial situation. This mediator isn't doing anything for your benefit.

As for "The children are definitely the most important thing to him in his life, more important than I ever was. I think with this situation thrust upon him, he has learned a few things and will be a good father" ...well, I would guess they're the most important thing in your life as well. I guess it's one thing if you do not WANT custody. Maybe you don't. But it's not like the two choices are relinquishing custody OR remaining in that household to "wilt". There is a balance.