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How Do I Deal With It All Over Again?

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I am wondering why something that I came to terms with 14 yrs ago is whipping my arse still when it happened again 8.5mos ago? We'll never know if either were truly necassary, although I have 2 blessings from it all. I am not a vain person, so the physical scar, twice cut, doesn't compare to the emotiional ones beneath. I had 6 natural blessings between, shouldn't that be enough? I made it 15 yrs and 6 babies before it happened again, can't I remember that?

Why do I think ignoring it all this long will just make the shadows disappear? But yet, they lurk. They remind me of my pain when I read brief discussion on my newsfeed. I see beautiful art that reminds me of the cold and lifeless white walls and the flat table and my arms laid out as my Lord's was that horrible day. I am reminded that twice broken means future blessings will be passively taken out of me.

It was better the second time. I need to remember that, right? It wasn't as painful, I got to get up sooner, I got to eat sooner, my baby never left my side. Shouldn't that pacify me? I have lived it all, I have done all that there is to offer in the myriad of options. I should be proud.

But, yet, I sit still in denial. I knit, I eat, I sleep a little, I drink my Diet Coke and iced coffee, I enjoy my 8 children, I teach my children. We go about day to day. Denying what is there, what is inevitable shall the Lord bless us again. How will I deal with it again? How do I tell my husband that I just can't do that again? How do I deny my Lord after the promise I made him so long ago?

I must recognize it. I must say it. I have to say it. I have been silent so long. I have to express myself so that I can move on. So, I can welcome what the Lord has for my future. With all abandon, I must keep moving forward. ------Kymberli

Hello! I haven't been around a lot, just a little, and I have been sooo avoiding anything that has to do with dealing with my last Csection. I am REALLY needing some hugs. I just can't deal with it. I go about and I know it is there. How do I start all over again? TIA Kymberli
post #2 of 2
Dear Kimberly,
I couldn't just read and not post. First, many hugs to you!
Lord gives us only what we can handle but it doesn't mean it will be easy for us. You probably haven't healed emotionally from your first trauma and it came back to you. Maybe, for a reason. Don't blame yourself or analyze it too much, though. Try to accept it. You are a wise mama and you are given your blessings as well as your sufferings. Life can't be all peachy. Every child comes into this world the way he should and it's a part of his destiny too. Maybe this is a part of his karma too. Only by living it through we can get a glimpse of God's plan for us. Only time will give you peace and understanding. It will heal you too.
Birth is a beginning, there is a whole life that lies for that child.
Be easy on yourself and get a break. It will not break your promise and just maybe, it's the Gods way of telling you to slow down.
I myself believe in that we shouldn't "plan" our babies. I had a miscarriage that taught me that. Everything is inGods hands but I also believe that He gave us our bodies to cherish and you just need to love yourself right now. Give yourself time to heal. All the babies you are supposed to have, you 'll have. I know that my miscarried child will come back to me, just in another time, maybe as a daughter in law and not necessarily as my own child.

My friend had 4 cesareans in 7 years. She wanted as many babies as she'll be given. She is very tired now. She never gave herself time to heal and had babies every other year. Her OB never even told her other options other than repeat c/s. She never had a joy of birthing her kids. Maybe you can try to concentrate on you other births a little more. Please, don't push your trauma away, just try to look at it from another angle
Good luck. I know it's hard but give yourself time.
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