child I babysit is physically punished at home and bad influence on my children

[cdmommie]

I babysit a little boy who is physically punished at home/with other babysitter. He is only 16 months old, but he reenacts this physical violence on my children and then thinks it is hilarious.

I have 2 issues here:
First, my kids are learning violent actions and hurting each other now.
Second, I can not discipline this boy effectively.


So is there a way to get my kids to understand that what he does and what his parents do to him is unacceptable? I am trying very hard to explain it to my 3 year old, but I have no clue on how to go about this with my 17 month old.

The only "physical" punishment my kids have witnessed is a friend having their nose shoved in the corner repeatedly, and after our visit I was able to talk this out with DD1 and DD2 wasn't old enough to even know what was going on. So this is all pretty new territory for us.

I would really like to be a good influence and caregiver for this little boy because I feel so bad for him. He is never taken out, he doesn't snuggle or show affection, and he is non-responsive to gentle discipline. So I have been trying to work through all his issues so we can have peaceful days around here. How do you discipline a child that has only ever had physical punishment and actually get through to them? In our home, Time Out is the very absolute last resort and is only used on very rare occasions (and even then it is just a little talk, sit for one or two minutes and then another talk and snuggles, nothing physical whatsoever). But even this doesn't get through to him.

I am hesitant to drop the kid from care over it because I know my kids will witness violence at some point anyway. So, I figure now is as good a time as any to nip it in the butt.

[jenhill]

I am curious to see the responses here. I also babysit my sister's children when she works (she is a nurse and only works like 3 days a week). She has DS that is 5 and DD that is 9mo (she is a piece of cake). Her ds is a totally different story. He is extremely hyper active and can not focus hardly at all. He is yelled at and spanked. (I have spanked my children--but mostly use timeouts--I am just learning GD).

Anyways. I am not going to stop watching them because I need the extra income. But my children are learning bad behavior from him. He is very rude and will often hit. I always place him in timeout-and he throws a tantrum. I have removed him from the area and taken him to his room when he has refused to calm down. I really do not know how to go about things with him. He is very different from my children and it feels almost impossible to get through to him at times.

My ds (3yo) is starting to have a rude manner and attitude towards me. I hate this. I can get through to him though.

[shanniesue2]

I'm sorry. This is a really tough situation. It's so hard to see kids react to that kind of "discipline." To deal with the resulting behaviors. And then I'm sure it makes it even tougher to see it affecting your kiddos.

But honestly, I would probably try to find another family to provide care for... one that is a better match with your philosophy.

And the reason I say this is your children's behavior. Yes, they will probably witness violence at some point, but it sounds like they are not at a point in their lives where they can cope with it well.

If your kiddos were doing better with it, I would probably say that it sounds like this little guy really needs you. But I think that your primary responsibility is to your kiddos.

This is just not an easy situation. but you sound like a great mom who's really in tune with her kids. Good luck!

[shanniesue2]

It occurred to me to add that as a teacher this is one of my struggles: Finding an effective way to discipline kids who have learned that they only have to listen to someone who's going to hit them. It's a really sad and frustrating situation. And the longer it goes on, the worse it seems to be to resolve.

[lilith1]

He is only 16 months old. I didn't use any other methods than redirecting and modeling at this age. I'm not sure anything else works.

[phathui5]

We're talking about a baby here. Maybe a walking baby, but still an infant.

What exactly are the behaviors that you're having trouble with? Maybe we can help you come up with ideas.

[mom2grrls]

We're talking about a baby here. Maybe a walking baby, but still an infant.

What exactly are the behaviors that you're having trouble with? Maybe we can help you come up with ideas. >>>>

I agree, at this age it's redirection, distraction and prevention.

[One_Girl]

Originally Posted by lilith1

He is only 16 months old. I didn't use any other methods than redirecting and modeling at this age. I'm not sure anything else works.

This is what I did also. I babysat three kids after school who were used to only having to listen if they were going to get hit and I found that building a relationship with them and using the same methods I used with my dd to redirect them (with a slightly firmer tone sometimes) worked. At first it took a lot of time and energy, but by the time they left things were much smoother. Do lots of cuddles and reading with the little boy to build the relationship so that you are spending more time focused on good stuff and not so much on the negative. Stay firm on the redirection also even if you have to do it several times. At his age it isn't certain that he ignores you because he is punished a certain way at home or because that is what kids his age do. My dd was a very persistent child and needed lots of redirection. Kids who need so much energy and redirection are draining to care for but it is a good quality that will serve them well in life.

[phathui5]

At his age it isn't certain that he ignores you because he is punished a certain way at home or because that is what kids his age do

I think with older babies, it's often not an issue of them ignoring us, but an issue of us not communicating with them like the small cave people they are. When you need to communicate something important to him, go to him, get close to his face and say it concisely and in a firm tone.

Not: "You just hit so and so. It's not nice to hit because hitting hurts. I don't want you to hit so and so anymore..."

You lost the kid at the first "and."

Better: (firmly) "No hitting. Touch gently."

[cdmommie]

thanks mamas. I actually hadn't had time to get back and read all the replies, but I ended up doing exactly what you guys said anyway
It only took a few days of SUPER-love and he is a totally different kid!
He is very excited to come and plays well now, but he really doesn't want to go home when his parents arrive now though

[phathui5]

well now, but he really doesn't want to go home when his parents arrive now though

That's pretty normal for kids in childcare. I don't think it says anything about his parents. When I ran my daycare, it was always hard for the kids to leave.