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bipolar & losing friends (lonely and depressed)...

post #1 of 6
Thread Starter 
**i am looking for commiseration/support here, not criticism, tyvm...i get enough of that IRL**

i feel so helpless. i have lost friends before for various reasons (and what turned out to not really be friendships, obviously), but it never stops hurting. sometimes i get a reason, sometimes i have to mull it over and figure it out on my own with the help of the grapevine, occasionally i get a really painfully honest and lengthy explanation as to why i'm not worthy.

i know it's "normal" for a bipolar person to lose friends. it still hurts though. i feel like i'm becoming more and more of a hermit because i'm afraid of people finding out too much about me. and i'm an extrovert, so this isolation is not good for me!!

i have too much on my plate. i can't "control" my kids. i don't enjoy my kids. my house is too messy. i'm not a good mom. my kids fight too much. they're too rowdy. people "just don't enjoy being around" my family. i straddle the line between crunchy/AP/GD and "mainstream" on some factors (not always by conscious choice, and even if by choice, it's usually a difficult one). these are all things i've heard about myself or my family at one point or another.

granted, not from everyone. there are people in my life that love me for me. but those people aren't around when i need them, or they don't fit into the parts of my life that i need to have support in (like they are too busy to actually be there, or they are nothing more than a listening ear during an occasional phone call).

i feel like i'm too needy of a friend, even though i try hard not to be...it's like i don't even have to "need" anything, or even complain...just my existence is enough to be too much for people. i have a mental illness. i have a child with a mental illness and other crappy-life factors. i have another child with mild autism. i have a husband who's always gone and crabby when he's home. i have a chronic back problem that interferes with daily functioning. i suck at discipline and my kids walk all over me because i am constantly depressed and low-energy and i can never seem to take more than a step forward without 2-3 steps back. and now, i'm pregnant, with a very much wanted and planned baby. yes, i am insane for that, too.

i'm just so tired of feeling judged and not knowing who to trust. this is the sh*t that fuels paranoia. i don't have any real friends with kids the same ages as mine. mamas with younger kids JUST DON'T GET IT. i'm so sick of people calling all of my life's contributing factors "excuses" for why i'm not perfect. it's easy enough to say "i don't care what people think about me", but when it gets to the point where you don't even know who your friends are, who you can trust, it gets kind of scary.

i'm just feeling really low and isolated, alone and helpless these days. downright depressed. years of trying to make things better and all i can see are the current failures, cuz it's ALWAYS SOMETHING. not sure who to turn to, so i turn to strangers on the internet (again).
post #2 of 6
Your post reminded me a lot of someone I know and I just wanted to say that you shouldn't be hard on or criticize yourself.

I obviously can't pretend or know what you're going through because I am not you but perhaps you could try setting up a tribe on here to find other bipolar mothers with kids that are similar ages as yours to get together and develop some sort of friendships/supports you/others needed. I know it can be especially harder IF you're Deaf/hard of hearing like me because the Deaf/HOH community is much smaller and harder to find but if you're not...disregard this. But, do try to create a tribe and hopefully you'll find supports you need.
post #3 of 6
I'm so, so sorry. That's so painful. Excuses: don't you love it? Like anyone on the face of the earth enjoys the chaos that bipolar provides.

You are completely deserving of friendship and companionship. Have you had any talk therapy or psychotherapy? If not, I urge you to do so. It can be challenging to find a therapist you click with, but if you do, it can be as helpful and effective as medicines, if not even more so. I cannot recommend it enough.
post #4 of 6
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by journeymom View Post
Have you had any talk therapy or psychotherapy? If not, I urge you to do so. It can be challenging to find a therapist you click with, but if you do, it can be as helpful and effective as medicines, if not even more so. I cannot recommend it enough.
i have had a lot of therapy over the years, and i agree it is essential. i have been out for several months due to a mass exodus of therapists (office politics, i'm guessing) at the mental health clinic that i have to go to due to hubby's student status...i have called/requested another therapist 3 times now -- even had my psychiatrist put in for ANOTHER referral. just waiting..... same story for my son's therapy situation. it's really maddening.
post #5 of 6
Couldn't read without posting. You deserve friends and I am sure that there are many things you contribute to a friendship. Have you tried any NAMI groups? I am going to start going for my Ds who has major depression, none of the moms whose kids aren's struggling with what we are can really understand what our life is like. Good luck.
post #6 of 6
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by joyluc View Post
Have you tried any NAMI groups? I am going to start going for my Ds who has major depression, none of the moms whose kids aren's struggling with what we are can really understand what our life is like. Good luck.
i looked it up, and there are no local chapters of NAMI in my town. i really wish there was. there has GOT to be something like that around here, but i wouldn't have any idea how to find it...
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