2.5 year old and hitting - I feel like we've tried everything

[operamommy]

Hi all,

My 2.5 year-old is a big hitter. We've tried talking about and demonstrating gentle touches, showing him what else he can do when he's angry (i.e. hit a pillow, stomp feet, etc), walking away from him (I don't want to be around you when you hit me), sending him to his room, and time out.

NOTHING has worked. I feel so frustrated. Yesterday he threw a fork at my face from a distance of about 8 inches. Ummm, kind of painful! My poor 4-year-old is being hit all the time by his brother. We try to watch for and remove him from situations before he gets too angry, but often his *first* sign of frustration/anger is hitting.

Help!

[operamommy]

No one has any advice?

[mamazee]

Well, aggression is very common for that age, and almost certainly something he'll outgrow when he learns other ways to express frustration and anger, and becomes more verbal about emotions. You said nothing is working. How long have you been trying? It takes a lot of patience, and is more an issue of guiding him to more healthy ways of expressing anger as he matures than simply making it stop. I would talk about emotions, help him name his feelings, and empathize with him, but then talk about how it isn't OK to hit. "I see that you are angry. It is OK to be angry, but it isn't OK to hit." Or sometimes, "If you're angry, say, 'I'm angry!'. It isn't OK to hit." Another thing that can help for a lot of toddlers is to state it in the positive, like "touch gently" instead of "don't hit" as talkign about hitting still puts that image of hitting in his head. It really mainly just takes a lot of repetition and consistency. So long as you handle it gently, he should get through it and be more gentle on the other side.

I would caution against telling him you dont' want to be around him or sending him in time out, because that's just going to make him have more of the negative emotions he's having trouble with rather than teaching him to handle them better. The rest of what you said you've done sounds really good.

[DeerMother]

sUbbing. My 2.5 yr old ds hits out of anger and for fun. Sooooo sick of this phase.

[operamommy]

We've been dealing with this for at least a year. And yes, we've definately labeled his emotions, reminded him to touch gently, etc. I have 3 older children, so aggressiveness during the toddler years isn't new to me, but I think a year is an awfully long, *painful* phase!!

[Wild Lupine]

It sounds like an impulse control issue. Totally normal for the under 3 set to have almost no impulse control. Playing games light 'Red Light, Green Light' helped my DD learn impulse control. She never related it to the hitting we were trying to get her not to do, it was just a fun game to her. This phase WILL pass, Mama!

[MegBoz]

Totally empathize! I too am surprised at the lack of resources. It's such a common issue & a big problem, I can't believe there aren't easily found gigantic lists of parenting tools to try. I find that disappointing.

The only other thing I have to add is to try to avoid situations that make him angry in the first place (I'm sure you're already doing, but thought I'd say it just in case) & use distraction & humor when facing something that may annoy him, again to avoid him getting angry in the first place. DH is really good with getting DS to laugh & make a game of everything - so I do believe he therefore deals with an angry DS less than I do. <sigh> jealous!

[hoosgirl]

Ugh - same thing here with my 2.5 yr old. And I make the mistake of asking him why he hit (me, DH, friends, etc.) and he replies "because I don't like you/him/her". Great.

[healthy momma]

The pp comment about Red Light, Green Light and playing games to learn self control sounded like a great route to go. I did a quick google search and found these articles with some other game ideas. I'm sure there are more.

http://www.ehow.com/list_6063750_gam...trol-kids.html

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/s...oryId=76838288

http://www.cde.state.co.us/ssw/downl...uggestions.pdf

[msmiranda]

My DS used to hit us too, when he was 2-2.5. We did some of the things you listed, but also just consistently expressed our disapproval/kept telling him that hitting was unacceptable/physically restrained him from hitting us, and eventually he stopped. It has been several months since he's done it. I say this to let you know that even if you don't find anything that is immediately effective, as he becomes more verbal he may start to express his anger in a less physical manner, and if you consistently express that hitting is wrong the message will sink in over time. It's not much comfort in the moment, I know ... but hang in there.

[ZTMOM]

Our sons sound very similar!
One thing that helped our DS (2.5) was getting a small adult personal exercise trampoline that stays in our living room, which is where the hitting usually happens. A lot of our family & my DH thought it was too dangerous for our wild little guy, but now DH loves it because it seems to be helping in a way nothing else has.
We also tried a punching bag, hitting pillows, stomping feet, a bear-hugging it out, etc., etc. ... nothing else really worked for us.
With our DS, I see it as an impulse control issue + a high need for very physical activity. I really appreciate the links shared!

[Minxie]

We used a drum instead of a pillow; it's much more satisfying to bang on it and make a loud noise. I also sat down with my DS when he was angry; he got a drum and I got one. We beat on them together and yelled until we started giggling.