Need help but don't know where to turn

[Still_Learning]

DS was diagnosed Asperger's in March. He turned 6 in August. The last year has been horrible. We are all walking on eggshells all the time. DS will flip out many many times a day. When he does this, he shrieks and screams at us. He growls at us and sometimes hits and kicks. He does it many times a day, for reasons no one can forsee. (Like I say "good morning, buddy!" which I've said a zillion times before and it's always been fine, but this time he'll scream, shriek, growl and end up saying "I thought you'd say "good morning, big guy")

He's also defiant. Not the stuff from all the Asperger's books, the misunderstandings and miscommunications. He laughs and does exactly what he's not supposed to be doing.

He's also disrespectful and rude. He'll order me to "GO GET ME SOMETHING TO DRINK NOW!!!" in a loud snotty tone. I respond that you don't get what you want when you ask that way and then we proceed into a 1/2 hour battle of him flipping out

I need help. I've been trying so hard with him and he just is slipping further and further away. I miss my sweet little guy terribly. I'm tired of being afraid to breathe around him, I'm tired of him yelling at me, I'm tired of having zero influence on him at all.

We've alway practiced positive parenting with him and are getting a lot criticism from family members that his behavior is due to our lack of discipline. (No one around here understands positive parenting, if you don't smack your kids into submission you aren't parenting at all)

So I need some help and I don't know where to turn. I can't find anyone that specializes in asperger's/autism locally. I don't even know what to be looking for.

Any advice as to what to do, who to go to for help?

[jennabean]

I don't have any experience with a child with Autism, but wanted to send some good vibes your way

I will say that my daughter who is 6 will talk in that "I am the Queen, you are the Servant" voice to me in the afternoons, right after school quite a bit... I usually say "excuse me??? how are you talking to a grown up?" and then, depending on how tired/hungry/crabby she is it can go either way... she'll either pull back from edge or go into a bit of a venting tantrum for a few minutes.

I guess my point is that even non-Autism kids have those moments you want to wring their necks

I can only imagine how hard that is for you all... my dd is terribly determined and can test the patience of Job, but I understand the "eggshells" feeling b/c she can escalate a situation to the point of blow up on occasion. I will say that I fight it though and I remind myself that I am the one in charge... not in a disrespectful way, but still... at 42, I get to decide.

I read once in Oprah I think, "nothing happens until you decide"... and its true. At least for me... when I'm feeling wishy washy about a decision, my dd can sense it and hones in on that and pesters and cajoles until she gets whatever it is she wants. If I've "decided" what the answer will be beforehand, and really mean it she eventually realizes, even if it means a tantrum later, mommy really means it.

I guess that's just my anecdotal way of saying stick to your guns and try not to fear the outcome... you are the grown up and you get to decide.

Is there anyone who can give you a break from your son? You need to 'put your own oxygen mask on first' otherwise it sounds like you will be so exhausted there won't be much left

I hope someone with more direct experience responds but I wish you all the best.. its so hard when others don't understand and just think a good dose of discipline is all your kid needs... you're his mommy, you know what he needs the best

[Emmeline II]

Who diagnosed him? Did they suggest a therapist or other resources?

Ds has ADHD and we think Asperger's as well. Ds now sees a CBT weekly to work on his social skills and is semi-occasional tantrums (which occur almost entirely out of the house).

[mum4vr]

have you heard of the book, Pretending to be Normal?

It is written by a family touched by Asperger's. It helps.

Along w what you said in the op, and the pp's suggestions, I would gently wonder... if his behavior is not consistent with what to expect from Aspy, and if it is also common to non-Aspy children who just misbehave... do you also have a (run of the mill type) discipline issue to address?

I am not downplaying his diagnosis, nor am I saying that it will not complicate any and likely ALL discipline issues for your family, but this may be just your average tantrum type acting out (which, yes, you now may have to address with your Asperger's diagnosed DS).

Sorry-- that idea may be a mixed blessing... ?

HTH

[beachcomber]

I saw you mentioned Positive Parenting. I'm not sure exactly what that entails in terms of discipline, etc. I've found with DD who was Dx's with autism this fall (high functioning very close to Aspie but not all of the Aspie criteria) that when it comes to her acting out and tantruming, largely it's due to being overwhelmed. When I changed how I talked to her when she's upset it really helped. I get down to her level, speak quietly and talk about the issue, not about her action/reaction. First we talk about the issue, then we talk about what bugged her, then we try to figure out how to handle it differently next time. Sometimes I have to literally take her away from the situation to talk to her.

I've found that NONE of the traditional positive discipline methods work with her. Time outs, warnings, counting to 3 or 5, talk about consequences, taking stuff away, etc. None of it had any effect on her behavior at all. Talking quietly about what was bothering her seems to be the only thing that is making a dent. See, the one thing I've picked up about Aspie or HF ASD kids is that it's literally all about them. They literally don't seem to get other people's perspectives or be able to think outside of their own personal experience.

[Emmeline II]

Originally Posted by beachcomber;15854093
I've found that NONE of the traditional positive discipline methods work with her. Time outs, warnings, counting to 3 or 5, talk about consequences, taking stuff away, etc. None of it had any effect on her behavior at all. Talking quietly about what was [U

bothering her[/U] seems to be the only thing that is making a dent. See, the one thing I've picked up about Aspie or HF ASD kids is that it's literally all about them. They literally don't seem to get other people's perspectives or be able to think outside of their own personal experience.

[Still_Learning]

I agree that time outs, warnings, counting to 3 or 5, talk about consequences, taking stuff away, etc. don't work. I don't consider those things positive discipline. When I saw positive discipline I mean focusing on his positive behavior and tell him what I WANT to see him doing instead of discussing what he did wrong. Talk about what he SHOULD have done.

So yes, all those things don't work. Thing is, I haven't found what DOES work.

[Emmeline II]

Originally Posted by Still_Learning

When I saw positive discipline I mean focusing on his positive behavior and tell him what I WANT to see him doing instead of discussing what he did wrong. Talk about what he SHOULD have done.

After the first few months of school ds' main behavior issues were at school. We, and they, tried the above and it didn't work. Once he was taking Concerta (for ADHD, though we think he is Aperger's as well) it seemed that he was now able to act on suggestions as to his behavior.

Even if he wants to behave differently, he may not be able to follow through.

You could try asking in your tribe or see if there are any Asperger's support groups who could give suggestions, or just call up therapists and see if they practice CBT with Asperger's patients. My insurance listed the specialties of the doctors/therapists. You can also google the therapists you have names for and possibly find out what therapies they practice. Though I've come across a couple of therapists that concentrate in ASDs most of the time its that they practice particular therapies that are useful to different conditions.