going, going, gone

[griffin2004]

Heavy sigh.

The grandparents of our little foster-to-adopt girl finally stepped up and decided to adopt her. She's been with us going on a month and will transition to their home no later than Oct 1. We accepted her placement on the basis that they had definitely decided not to adopt her. I certainly wish that decision had been probed more before C was placed with us.

Since becoming licensed 2+ years ago, we've had 2 placements and both have exploded in our faces. So, we're done. My DD is just 7 and I won't keep putting her through this. I'm going to wait to closer to the transition time to tell her because it will rip her heart in half. Again.

I'll never understand how such utter disasters can come from a heartfelt desire to do the right thing.

Heavy sigh.

[sagewinna]

I'm so sorry.

[pumpkingirl71]

I am so sorry

[GoBecGo]

I'm so sorry this is happening again. Bless you for the love you gave your foster children in the short time you were given with them. I can't imagine how painful it must be for you to love them and have to let them go, but i know several adults who were fostered both long and short term as kids and the love they received from the best of their foster families HAS made a difference to their lives and how they feel about themselves.

[MissinNYC]

I'm so sorry for your family's loss, Griffin, but glad this little one will be finding a forever family.

I hope maybe the pain will ease one day and you'll reopen this interest in foster/adoption. You could provide such a loving home for a child who needs you. God bless!

[Sierra]

I am so, so sorry. You must feel so emotionally raw.

ds' grandmother later changed her mind back and decided not to take him, but we also lived through a period in which she changed her mind after first saying no and decided to take him. It's tough stuff. As much as you know that fostering is like this, when a social worker assures you that a family has decided they can't care for their kin, it is hard to ignore that and act like the child will leave just in case a mind is changed.

In our case, grandmother became afraid if she didn't step in that the paternal side could end up with ds (even though it didn't look likely), so she was intervening so she could protect ds from people that in her opinion weren't safe. Knowing that she had earlier told me she really didn't feel like she could raise him, and then having her tell the state that she could and would, I felt so powerless.

I did straight fostering for long enough before all this to know that it is so much easier to let a child go when you *know* the child is most likely going to leave you. When it doesn't look like that is going to be possible and then something changes, it is much harder to say goodbye.

[griffin2004]

Thanks to all of you for your kind supporting words. It helps a lot.

I had planned to wait to tell DD a couple of days before the move. She operates better with short notice than long notice. But, the grandmother will be taking C to visit her father in prison (don't get me started!) on Monday and I'm sure she'll break the good news. I want DD to hear it from me first rather than from C, so I'll have to tell DD tomorrow. Ugh.

[WifeMomChiro]

I'm so sorry. This exact scenario is why I don't think we can foster-adopt. My dd gets attached so strongly and quickly.

[whitneymum]

oh mama, that's just awful. I am so very sorry.

We do respite care for our good friend's fosterlings and their sweet little foster to adopt fella was just moved last week to his bio-dad's. They've spent a few days just grieving together as a family and her daughters made a little scrap book to remember him. Maybe your DD could use some of that sadness this weekend to create something special with you to work through this.

So sorry you guys are going through this again.




*edited to add my both my friend's daughters were adopted through foster care as well, oldest placed at 8 months the younger placed at 6 weeks. I was talking to her today and mentioned your story and for what it's worth she sends her thoughts for peace and healing this weekend for you guys, and recommended the book "Tear Soup". Her girls are 7 & 9 and they love it. Helps them put into words what they're feeling. hth*

[griffin2004]

DD took it pretty hard, although she said she wasn't surprised. I adopted her when she was a year old, and these family dynamics issues are bringing a lot of her own past to the forefront.

I'll tell C over the weekend so she will be prepared to see her father and grandmother on Monday.

This is like pulling an emotional bandaid off one arm hair at a time.

[lamamax3]

I'm so sorry for you and your daughter and the little girl whose grandparents couldn't decide immediately to adopt her or let her go.