I think people are truly misunderstanding the why's and how's of non-praising in day to day life. (At least for me, and I'm sure others in the GD forum).
Here are a couple things that stuck out to me from the Continuum Concept:
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| The familiar expedients of praise and blame wreak havoc upon the motives of children, especially the smallest ones. If the child does something useful, like putting on his own clothes or feeding the dog, bringing in a handful of field flowers or making an ashtray from a lump of clay, nothing can be more discouraging than an expression of surprise that he has behaved socially: “Oh, what a good girl!” “Look what Georgie has made all by himself!” and similar exclamations imply that sociality is unexpected, uncharacteristic, and unusual in the child. |
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| [A] child may very well understand the reasoning of the caretaker and even reason similarly, while being motivated to behave contrarily. In other words, he is more likely to do what he senses is expected of him than what he is told to do. |
And my fave quote from TCC, which ties in with those, Imo:
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| Children need to see that they are assumed to be well-intentioned, naturally social people who are trying to do the right thing and who want reliable reactions from their elders to guide them. |
Leidloff talks a lot about how children (specifically the Yequana children, but says that it applies to kids in general) do what they believe is expected of them. If you expect they will behave in a socially acceptable way, they will. (what you tell them that you expect of them is irrelevant).
Also, some of my motivation to not use evaluative praise came from Unconditional Parenting
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| Let kids know you’re delighted to be with them, that you care about them no matter what happens. This is completely different than praise, which is doled out as a response to something a child does. |
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Children’s sense of competence, and perhaps of their worth, may come to rise or fall as a result of our reaction. They look to us, figuratively and sometimes literally, to see whether we approve of what they’ve done. (It’s a little like toddlers who take their cue from us when they fall down…)
As a result of praise, children become less able or willing to take pride in their own accomplishments- or to decide what IS an accomplishment. |
My take on this: Kids deserve the chance to decide for themselves what actions are worthwhile.
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| Why do we feel the need to keep evaluating our children's actions, turning them into "jobs" that may, if they're lucky, be deemed ‘good’? |
We don't need to evaluate in order to encourage.
So my motivation doesn't actually have much to do with self esteem. I think that my kids have a right, and are capable of, deciding what actions are worth repeating, how impressed with themselves they are for doing them, and what they want to improve at, without me evaluating those actions. I give them information such as how their actions affect other people, and what is likely to happen as a result of doing x. I celebrate WITH them when they are impressed with themselves. I celebrate that they are who they are, regardless of their accomplishments or what they do.
I expect that they will, and want to, behave in a socially acceptable manner if they are capable of doing so. I don't praise for socially acceptable behavior; I tell them how their actions affected the other person (if anything needs to be said at all). However, if dc were to trying to perfect some sort of social behavior, and finally accomplished it, and was visibly impressed with himself, I would celebrate with him. And I don't do this in a cold "well, you should know better, so I expect this from you" type of way. For example, when ds pets the dog properly (and isn't hitting her) I might say "oohh, Shiloh LOVES it when you pet her. oohh, look how happy she is! Yeah, she LOVES to be pet!" in an excited voice the expresses that he's doing something that makes Shiloh happy. Ds2 loves flushing the toilet, so I often ask him to "help" me by flushing the toilet for me. He's happy to assist, and I typically say something like "Oh, thank you! Thank you! It's so helpful when you help me flush the toilet!!" (I'm telling him how his actions affected me, and expressing gratitude for his help).
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Originally Posted by swd12422  Yesterday he asked me several times to say, "Good job!" to him, to Daddy, to his plastic bath toy.... I told him the plastic bath toy would have to do something great for me to say that...  |
In this case, I, personally, would play the game with him. I'm relatively opposed to praising just for something "great." Like I said earlier in the thread, if one is going to praise, I think it's best to praise for every teeny thing (and nothing at all), because then it doesn't become about the child having to do something great in order to get the praise.
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| So how do you encourage your kids to try and share their enthusiasm for learning new things without praise? Or is it not really about praise, but about any emotional connection that indicates approval/disapproval? I'm not quite sure I get it, but I know I don't want him to become dependent on my approval to do things. |
I was lost on this one for a minute, and couldn't figure out why I didn't have an answer for it. I think it's this- kids want to learn. They are designed to have a hunger for knowledge. They learn because they want to, they are driven to. It goes along with my belief that kids will behave in a socially acceptable manner if they are capable of doing so. Mind you, I only have one school age child. But he loves to learn, and doesn't seem to need my approval to do so. However, he DOES sometimes need encouragement when things don't come super easily to him, which I freely give, of course.
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Originally Posted by Norasmomma As for myself as a child the only things that did in fact negatively effect me, were negative comments. My ballet teacher telling me at 10 I was too fat to be a ballet dancer(or any dancer for that fact, when she weighed 250lbs  ) or the teacher's assistant who ruined my love for art by telling me that "art will never get me anywhere." Thanks to those two women, for they were the ones who conveyed to me I wasn't doing a "good job" being me. My point is even if you do everything right, someone else can undermine all that with a couple of words. |
I think you are the poster who mentioned that praise from the heart is better than fumbling around for the "right" words, then missing the moment, right? I agree with that
But if someone agrees with the ideas behind not praising, then it makes sense for them to practice until it becomes second nature. But I do think you make a good point- learning to not praise shouldn't become important to the point of missing out on situations where you could celebrate with your child.
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Originally Posted by SilverFish i was raised with two styles of parenting in this regard.
my mom is a very no-nonesense, practical kind of person. that kind of effusive, over the top "good job" praise is totally foreign to her. when she says something positive, it is very much in the style of what other people are mentioning... "i think you used perspective very well in this picture" etc.
my dad is the opposite. he is an enthusiastic, effusive praiser. lots of "good job", "wow you amaze me" "i'm so proud of you" kind of praise. with good grades, paintings, crafts, skills, winning a game, he was always very vocal about his pleasure in our abilities.
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I'm a non-praiser, but I'm not like you describe your mother at all. Like I said, I think people misunderstand the whole non-praising thing. I'm sure there are some people who don't praise and are like that. But I don't think you could call me cold at all. I'm enthusiastic about something my kids do when they are (or if they are discouraged and need encouragement). My reaction often matches their feelings. Ds1 is learning to read, and last night I exclaimed to him "Wow! You are getting really good at sounding words out!" I was genuinely impressed!
