Help with mediation...

[zadlersberg]

Hi ladies,

I am restarting the mediation process with my husband. He said he was leaving last Sept. We have been seeing a therapist and happily coexist. We co parent well. We agreed to see a mediator (but I wasn't ready last January). Now I'm ready to cut the cord and move on. I've seen a lawyer to sort of know what my rights are and cover my bases. My fear is though that since she won't be with me in the room, I won't ask for enough or be scared or agree to things that aren't smart. Has anyone gone through mediation successfully? What helped you? ANy advice words of wisdom very much appreciated. THANK YOU!!

Zoe

[NolaRiordan]

I found mediation very stressful, but in the end I think the process worked pretty well for us. My lawyer told me going in that it was not the mediators job to make sure you each got a fair deal, but it was the mediator's job to get you to agree. So you definitely need to be prepared and need to stick up for yourself. Is your lawyer going to look over your agreement before you sign it? I would definitely recommend that.

My advice is BE PREPARED. Have a position on everything, what you want and what you're willing to give on. Have a couple things in the bag that you're willing to give up in order to get other things that are more important to you.

Don't always be the one to talk first. Let him put some proposals on the table. And don't talk too much. Be willing to listen to his side.

If things get tense talk to the mediator, not him.

Also if things get tense ask yourselves what's best for the KIDS. That can sometimes calm things down and get you refocused.

Do you know anything about your mediator? Ours was also a lawyer and I found that very helpful because she knew what a judge would or wouldn't agree too.

Good luck!

[vannienicole]

I took my lawyer to mediation with me. Why can't you? I had her speak for me when I needed her to. Ex does everything in his power to intimidate me and make me feel small in order to get his way. He couldn't do that with her there.

[Super~Single~Mama]

I would go in with an open mind, but also refrain from agreeing to anything until you're lawyer has looked at what has been drawn up. This means that you will have to pay for an extra session for the signing of everything, but it also means you have time to sleep on what you've come up with before signing something so important as a custody agreement.

[NolaRiordan]

Originally Posted by thyra

I would go in with an open mind, but also refrain from agreeing to anything until you're lawyer has looked at what has been drawn up. This means that you will have to pay for an extra session for the signing of everything, but it also means you have time to sleep on what you've come up with before signing something so important as a custody agreement.

That's pretty much what happened with us. The mediator wrote everything up and then each of our lawyers looked it over. That generally worked pretty well but then my X changed his mind on some stuff he had agreed to in mediation and that his lawyer didn't have a problem with either. Bottom line is NOTHING is final until everyone signs off.

[hillymum]

What topics other than legal and physical custody are discussed durring mediation?

Does it include
division of pocessions?
Restrictions / limits to moving away?
Who pays what percentage of medical/dental bills?

What else is discussed? I'm sure the lawyer will give ideas but those who have gone through it are the best source of info on this IMO.

[vannienicole]

We separated ours into two sessions.

1. Child custody and support. The support was the easy part. Just went with our states guidelines. Now custody....ugh. That was a battle.

2. Possessions and division of assets and debt. I was going to make it easy on him until he started fighting over pennies. Then I put the excess (beyond tuition and books) I had to take out in student loans to live and to pay for daycare. And the excess while we were living together to pay for daycare.

I found it was nice to split it up so we didn't feel rushed. Yes it cost twice as much, but it let us focus on one thing at a time. If you can do it in one, Just remember to stick to one topic at a time.

[NolaRiordan]

We actually had 3 sessions, and they were at least 3 hours each. We did start out with the kid issues-- setting the parenting time schedule, dealing with extracurriculars, out of pocket expenses, sharing of info from the school, phone contact, etc. etc. The other sessions were about finances, separation of assets, etc.

[NolaRiordan]

Originally Posted by hillymum

What topics other than legal and physical custody are discussed durring mediation?

Does it include
division of pocessions?
Restrictions / limits to moving away?
Who pays what percentage of medical/dental bills?

Here there are guidelines that cover what happens if one person moves more than 100 miles away, or out of state. If you think one of you is likely to want to move, then yes I would bring it up and see if you can come to an agreement. Who pays what percentage of out of pocket costs is part of the whole child support calculation here. So that's not something we had to deal with in mediation. Other things to think about are who claims the kids on taxes. Also you may want to bring up college contributions. In most states a parent can't be compelled to pay for a kids college but if you can agree to who will contribute what now then it could save you hassle later.