Physical custody and visitation of school aged children.

[hillymum]

Mediation is set up and I want to go in prepared but with an open mind. Can you please tell me how you have visitation /custody set up for your school aged children? Our children are 6, 10 and 11.

At the moment my sbx is out of state from Monday early morning until Thursday late afternoon. He has the boys eow from 5pm Friday until Sunday 5pm. This really isn't a lot but I am at a loss as to how to increase sbx's time with the boys on a regular basis without shorting myself or causing a lot of issues with school for the boys. If sbx would agree to not be an ass about it I would invite him to special events like scout activities or zoo/ museum trips, but he is being an uva about such things.

What visitation do you have set up?
Thanks!!!!!

[NolaRiordan]

Maybe on the weekends that aren't his he could have a Thursday or Sunday night dinner with the kids.

[MariesMama]

Is it feasible for him to take the kids to school or pick them up? He could have them after school Friday until they go to school Monday morning EOW?

[hillymum]

At the moment him having the boys on a thursday night is not possible as he lives too far away for them to get up in time for school. sbx has asked that he can stay in the house but we can't even have a text convo without me ending in tears. If he wants to come early on friday and take the boys for breakfast before school he can do that. I want the boys to see their dad. I just don't want my time taken away! He's the one that said our marrige was over.

[meemee]

Originally Posted by hillymum

I just don't want my time taken away!

why mama? he is their father too?

i so agree with NR on what she wrote. it doesnt matter who left whom.

this is really nothing about you or your ex.

it is about your children.

since he lives so far could he pick up the kids from school on friday and drop them to school on monday? since he lives far away and its eow - not every weekend i think it makes sense to have this.

if he indeed lives that far it doesnt make sense coming down for a few hours to have bfast and then having to go back to work. or if he is not working on friday he can pick them up from school. what time is school? 8 am. so he'd come to pick them up for bfast at 7. so they'd have to get up at around 6 to get ready. so they'd have to get up early. is that feasible.

what is he proposing. what does he want. every weekend? nope. i would not absolutely allow that.

however you also have to look in the long run. can you involve your older kids in the issue? what would they like. because soon they will want to go out with friends and wouldnt want to move too far from the neighbourhood. so maybe wonder if ex one day can move close to your place then your kids social life wouldnt be so disrupted.

[hillymum]

Originally Posted by meemee

since he lives so far could he pick up the kids from school on friday and drop them to school on monday? since he lives far away and its eow - not every weekend i think it makes sense to have this.

if he indeed lives that far it doesnt make sense coming down for a few hours to have bfast and then having to go back to work. or if he is not working on friday he can pick them up from school. what time is school? 8 am. so he'd come to pick them up for bfast at 7. so they'd have to get up at around 6 to get ready. so they'd have to get up early. is that feasible.

what is he proposing. what does he want. every weekend? nope. i would not absolutely allow that.

however you also have to look in the long run. can you involve your older kids in the issue? what would they like. because soon they will want to go out with friends and wouldnt want to move too far from the neighbourhood. so maybe wonder if ex one day can move close to your place then your kids social life wouldnt be so disrupted.

I think it would be great if he took the kids to school (well two of them, one already leaves the house at 6:25am) but he will not do it. Says it costs him too much in gas money. Seriously, I've been bending over backwards to get him more contact with the boys including trying to get them to call him in the evenings. He's already stopped calling every night. He wants every weekend. He lives out of state 4 days a week. He leaves too early on Monday mornings to have the boys until then. He's on a flight at 6 something in the morning.

As I said, I need (want) to know how others have approached this. I've invited him to be involved with our youngests son's scout activities (which I have struggled to pay for) but he said he doesn't want anything to do with scouts if it "intrudes on his time" or even if it falls on his weekend with the boys.

We have a mutual restraining order (he got violent and hit me in front of our eldest son) so what ever activity I can get him to attend with the kids means I can not be there. I am fine with this (to a limit) because I value the relationship our sons will have with their father now and in the future. Apparently I value that relationship more than he does.

[PoppyMama]

It's not your job to make this easy and perfect for him. If he is throwing up roadblocks I would say fine every other weekend it is. By not supporting his dc in their activities and calling it "his time" he is making this about him and not about them.

[meemee]

aaaargh so he wants you to make all the compromises and he do none!!!! Argh!

and absolutely i agree with poppymama. when you choose to live that far you have to make some compromises. its all about him and not his children.

since you have asked i will share mine. however we live like 15 mins away from each other. we have never been more than 20 mins away. in about a year we will be about 40 mins away. things might change then.

but i pick up dd from school on friday and i have her every weekend till sunday night when i drop her off at his place. then he drops her to school and i pick her up from school on monday. then i drop her to school on tuesday and he picks her up tuesday afternoon and that's how it goes.

it works really well for us. this has been our schedule for the last 5 years. it works for all 3 of us.

once i move i dont know how its going to work. it will be another bridge to cross when i come to it.

[VocalMinority]

My husband's and my own arrangements with our exes are unusual. But our state has fairly good guidelines, on which someone might model a workable arrangement: http://www.in.gov/judiciary/rules/parenting/index.html

My husband used to follow those guidelines, before he got custody of his son and they seemed very reasonable and fair, with the exception of the guidelines for sharing Christmas. Those are too complicated, IMO. I'd suggest that you agree one of you will have Christmas morning and the other, the bulk of the rest of that day, every year; or you should alternate years having Christmas Day; and then one of you should get the time from the end of school 'til Christmas, the other should get Dec. 26th through the day before school resumes and you should switch those periods every year (since the 2nd one is usually longer, but the 1st one is more fun, with the pre-Xmas festivities).

Good luck.

[provocativa]

just fyi afaik in kentucky if he moved farther away, then the burden of transportation is on him. also, document when he says it's too far to drive, etc. and save the texts, too- recording phone calls is admissable in court in kentucky. meemee and i tend to disagree on father's rights, because she was married to a decent guy and me to an abuser. i am not certain that it is always in the best interests of the children to preserve a relationship with someone who would hit you in front of the kids, but that's just me.

[orangecanoe]

The distance sounds like it makes a more reasonable solution harder. EOW sounds about right for his level of commitment and if he does get a bit more time than that, I can't see why the driving/distance burden wouldn't be on him including getting them to school. If it sorts out that he doesn't have quite as much time with them now as you might think is fair, I really wouldn't look at your first agreement as being so set in stone. He may (or may not) come around to joining you all in the Boy Scouts or other school events in time.