Where did I go wrong?

[crunchy_mommy]

This morning was definitely not one of my finer parenting moments & it seems I've been having a lot of that lately -- I think I'm missing something, I need better ways to handle these things.

DS is 19mos old. This week has been rough on us. Somehow even though I think I've been nursing him LESS, my massive oversupply has returned. I don't understand how, so we're back to block nursing (and AF is due any minute now so I'm hoping that too will get my supply back down). So DS has been cranky and stuffy & spitting up a lot -- he's not exactly sick, it's either the oversupply or some allergies/minor cold or both -- but either way he's not at his best.

Also he has trouble with transitions. I usually have to sing/tell stories to him so he won't resist transitioning or just push him along even if he's fussing (and he's always fine once we get over that hump) -- so getting him in the car, for ex., I try to calm him but if that doesn't work I basically have to force him into the car seat while he screams -- and the second I start the car he's happy as can be. Same thing with any other transition.

OK so that's the background, here's how our morning went:

Woke up, potty, breakfast. DS pulled his diaper off 3 times by that point (which drives me insane but I try to stay calm)... Shower, get dressed --- NOOOOOOOO!! He doesn't want to get dressed (second or third day in a row, he used to be very cooperative). Do you want the frog shirt? Yes? OK -- then he starts screaming as I put it on his head. So we went back & forth a few times, he'd agree to put something on then scream as I tried to do it (and also asked him to do it himself but he didn't want to). Decides he wants his shoes on but he's still not wearing pants, "We have to put on pants first, then shoes!" He's on verge of a meltdown (and frankly, so am I) -- I say do you want to go to the playground? NOOO... go through every option (including staying home) and he wants none of it, then - finally - he wants to go to the beach. But still doesn't want to put his clothes on & starts screaming again. I know he needs to get out of the house so finally I literally forced the clothes onto him & picked him up & walked out the door. Fine, he's calm once we get outside (though I still feel bad about forcing the clothes on) - but then as we get in the car he decides he really wants to nurse. I know that 1 - he's not hungry & 2 - with the oversupply right now it will just make him feel worse -- so I didn't want to nurse him, told him he can nurse when we get to the beach. Force him into his car seat, and he screams on and off the whole ride to the beach (fortunately only 5 minutes or so). Of course I hadn't prepared to go to the beach -- that was a last-ditch attempt to make him happy -- so we're wearing sneakers & jeans. I offered to nurse but he didn't want to. We play on the sand a bit & I had already told him we weren't going in the water (too cold) but finally I decided to just let him wade in a bit. He kept going too far from me (and he IS likely to fall face-down into the water still) and I'd have to pull him back toward me (I was too cold to take off my shoes etc., I'm a big baby lol). He kept testing me -- he'd take a step & say 'too far' and step back -- so he got what I was saying -- but then he just took off. So I waded in, socks & shoes & all, and pulled him out of the lake screaming. Put his shoes back on (and his rolled-up jeans were all wet by this point) and after a few minutes of trying to recompose I ended up putting him screaming in the car, wet jeans & all, slammed the door. I told him he went too far in & we got all wet, and wet clothes were cold & yucky so we had to go home.

It's hard not to feel like the world's worst parent when your whole morning consisted of forcing clothes onto your kid, forcing them in the car, lots of screaming (him), lots of repressed anger (me), and me finally slamming the car door. I failed today, that's for sure. But where did I go wrong? I'm trying to learn something from this but I'm not sure exactly what I did wrong... I tried to stay calm & keep my composure but getting soaked in the cold lake and having him cry no matter what I do, just all got to me by the time I got back in the car. Please be brutally honest & give me some direction here... I just want this week to be OVER.

[LadyCatherine185]

that does sound like a rough morning.

I think you are giving him too many options. Toddlers like choices, but too many choices are overwhelming. He can probably sense your uncertainty as well. What I do with my DS is I ask "do you want to wear the truck shirt or the bike shirt?" and hold them both up. He picks. Sometimes he screams "NO SHIRT!" as I'm putting it on, but I put it on anyway. He gets upset for a second, but then he's fine. He has to wear clothes, that isn't negotiable, so I put them on him. As for going places-- again give him two choices "do you want to go to the beach or the park?" once he picks, that is where you go. "the beach? what a great idea! we can play in the sand, water, etc" I typically don't ask Liam where he wants to go, but tell him "today we are going to the park.."

As for the carseat, sometimes Liam resists that too, but he doesn't have a choice. Also, if he can sense you are upset about it, that will make him more upset. Be calm and confident and explain your decision and why ex. "you have to sit in your seat because it will keep you safe" and that is the end of it. One thing I have started doing is letting him "pick a toy" to take with us before we go somewhere. It seems to take his mind off of the fact that we are getting into the carseat because he is focused on holding whatever toy is in his hand. I do still have to carry him to the car from the house, because if I don't he tries to run away into the street..

It sounds to me like you all maybe need a little more consistency and structure, and less choices for DS. Some kids really thrive on a consisent routine that is gently enforced by Mama. Liam definitely is one of those kids, and since we have put that into place most of our days are pretty easy-going.

hope the rest of your day gets better mama!

[dianakaye]

First, hugs. I don't have much advice because mine was really hard as a baby, but once he could walk it got easier. I think different stages are harder for different kids because, maybe, their personality doesn't fit their age. I think for my son being a baby was difficult because he couldn't do much and was constantly bored unless I was entertaining him. Maybe your son is just having a hard time with the struggles of being a toddler (finding independence and growing abilities and responsibilities). It's hard to go through this with him, and you're doing the best you can.

I just want to say a couple of things-- you can't MAKE your kid be happy. I know it's really because you feel like that's your job as a mother- to help your kids be happy (and it is to a certain extent). I think all you can do is your best, and sometimes your child is still going to struggle to be happy at different stages.

I think you just need to take what you know about your child and try to get over the things that he hates as quickly as possible. If you know that he needs to get somewhere to be happy, dress him as quickly as you can and get him there as quickly (and safely) as you can. If you think singing and talking will make him happy, great, but if not just go as fast as you can so that you can get to where he needs to be. I find that if helps me (even if he doesn't understand yet) to empathize and tell him your plan. I used to use some techniques from Happiest Toddler on the Block (I probably still should from time to time) and they seemed to help definitely me, and sometimes him.

It's really hard when they can't tell how hard you're trying and that you really have their best interest in mind. Don't beat yourself up- I really think that you didn't do anything wrong, it's just a hard day.

[crunchy_mommy]

Thanks guys.

I probably did give him too many choices today. Usually he only gets 2 choices but what do I do on days like today when he refuses both choices? I gave him more options but I guess it would've made more sense to just decide for him.

Originally Posted by LadyCatherine185

One thing I have started doing is letting him "pick a toy" to take with us before we go somewhere. It seems to take his mind off of the fact that we are getting into the carseat because he is focused on holding whatever toy is in his hand.

Ohhh yes I forgot about that! We took his puppy shopping the other day and he was so good all afternoon because he was holding his puppy. I'll have to do that again.

We do try to be pretty consistent & have some routine but it's getting more & more thrown off by weird things like him wanting the BLUE diaper not the orange one I put on him. Actually now that you mention it his night-time routine was all thrown off this week -- intentionally, I needed to stop nursing to sleep so DH has been getting him to sleep -- and maybe that change in routine is upsetting him in the day time? I don't know.

Originally Posted by dianakaye

I think different stages are harder for different kids because, maybe, their personality doesn't fit their age.

YES you hit the nail on the head I think!! He has been making tons of cognitive leaps all week. I can tell his brain is on overdrive & he's just learning super fast these last few days -- I think it's just an awkward time for him and definitely there is some kind of disconnect between his personality/age/thoughts/abilities/etc.

[tzs]

mine is still small but i teach toddlers and i agree with pp about too many choices. also don;t feel bad about forcing things on them that are part of routine or necessary for what you need to do (shoes for outside, carseat for car etc...) because in the end they need and want to know that you are in charge. too much choice and freedom really stresses kids out. you might intuitively think they want it but they DON'T really want to be in charge (i could tell you about my cousin who has major control issues including anorexia....and basically ruled the house as a toddler and child....all her choice, no routine, she chose bedtime etc...)

anyway, long story short. i read this great book "montessori at home: birth to age 3" and it's big into enabling kids and recognizing them as capable individuals but the rule of thumb is 2 choices and if that isn't working then you make the choice. i.e. "I'M going to put your shirt on you." or "We ARE walking this way."

[LadyCatherine185]

Originally Posted by crunchy_mommy

I probably did give him too many choices today. Usually he only gets 2 choices but what do I do on days like today when he refuses both choices? I gave him more options but I guess it would've made more sense to just decide for him.

Exactly, you decide for him. He gets two choices, and if he doesn't like them, Mommy gets to pick. And if the chosing game isn't ever fun and he never wants either choice, stop giving him a choice and just say "today we are going to wear the monkey shirt."

[EzzysMom]

Sounds rough definitely. I do wonder if sometimes you could just stay home and let him stay naked and let him pick. Sometimes I think I push DD too hard to do 'something' and she just wants to hang out and let her whim take her so I try to plan for time for that too.

[tracymom1]

I am sure he is just learning his boundaries - trying to figure out what the heck this life thing is all about now that he can actually communicate with you. The best advice I have is to realize that this phase is just like all the rest - temporary. These moments are so fleeting though they seem like an eternity at the time. He is learning from you and your reactions and it is so hard to remain calm in the midst of all the craziness.

When DS was about 14 months old we hit a rough patch that lasted until he was about 20 months - and then things really took a turn for the better. I think he finally figured out that I mean what I say and say what I mean - that he can trust me. This seems to make a huge impact on their ability to successfully get through the day.

[ellemenope]

Originally Posted by LadyCatherine185

Exactly, you decide for him. He gets two choices, and if he doesn't like them, Mommy gets to pick. And if the chosing game isn't ever fun and he never wants either choice, stop giving him a choice and just say "today we are going to wear the monkey shirt."

Yes, this is huge, as many have said.

We all have these days. I know you are beating yourself up right now. This is what seperates you from other mamas. And, good on you, for looking how to make things better.

To be honest, it sounds like he is working things out in his head right now. I always noticed odder behaviour when DD was making developmental leaps.

[Violet2]

I think it sounds rough but normal. I think you were fine.

It's probably developmental.

My fave fall back is 'bright shiny object' parenting.

Do you want juice?

Let's go to the car and get some.

Do you want to play with favorite toy?

You can have it once you're buckled into your car seat.

That kind of stuff I always found very effective at getting DD moving in the right direction with a minimum of fuss.

Granted she now associates all car travel with food, but I can handle that.

V

[justKate]

I think we have the same 19 month old.

One lesson I learned last night, is to stop asking so many questions. If I ask, "can I wipe your face now?" DD will say, "NO!" (Yes, I know it should be "may I," but that's not what I would say....) So instead I say "I'm going to wipe your face," and do it. Then if she says no, well, that's fine, because i didn't ask her permission. When she squirms and screams NO, I explain, "you are really angry because I'm wiping your face, but it has to be done because _____. When I'm done you can get your _____."

So like Lady Catherine said, "We're going to wear the monkey shirt today."
"NO!"
"Do you want the frog shirt instead?"
"NOOOO!"
"Alright, then the monkey shirt it is." And put it on him.

The other thing re. choices is that I don't give DD more than 2 tries for normal stuff. Our thing revolves around her milk cup.
"Do you want your milk?"
"NO!" So I put it in the fridge.
DD yells "milk milllk!"
I hand her the milk, and again she yells "NOOO!"
So I put it away, and we're done, even though she'll probably keep yelling milk and no until something distracts her.

I think she's at a stage where she's just realizing that she can make decisions and that my actions will change according to what she says. So it's not an issue of whether she wants milk or not, it's an issue of how neat it is that mama takes the cup in and out of the fridge 20 times. Maybe this is where your son is coming from too?

Anyway I hope it gets better. This really is a hard period!

[crunchy_mommy]

Thanks everyone!

Today is going better already. I didn't really give him many choices. I picked out his clothes for him & just put them on (since the clothes thing has been our trouble point lately)... and I asked if he wanted to go to the library or the store, he chose library (well he tried choosing playground but that wasn't an option since it's thundering!) So we went to the library, even though halfway there he started asking to go to the store instead -- I just stuck with his original choice. That seemed to work much better & he fussed a minute and got over it quickly. But also he is in a much better mood today -- I think because HE SLEPT 8 HOURS STRAIGHT for the first time in his life! (Well except when he was really sick once or twice). Wow I was up wide awake & working after 6.5 hours straight of sleep, I haven't slept more than 4 hours straight in 1.5 years!

[Everrgreen]

I am finding it interesting to read how many of you are giving choices to your 19 month olds! My son willl be 20 months old tomorrow and I don't really give him choices at all, yikes! With clothes I pick out an outfit based on what we're doing that day, so I've never given him a choice about clothes and he's never resisted getting dressed (maybe that's just his personality?) With activity I always pick based on weather and what I think would be fun for that day. I just can't imagine asking him whether he wants to go to the library or the park, I'm not sure he could even think about that and answer accurately. (Well, and he's still nonverbal, but he can communicate yes and no nonverbally).

I do give him some choice about snacks, sometimes meals (usually just 2 choices).

Personally I just don't think my son is developmentally ready for choices regarding activity and I don't think he really cares what his clothes for the day are. But maybe I should be including him more?

[Cartesia]

I highly recommend "The Happiest Toddler on the Block".

I have a very intense and persistent 21 month old and this book saved my life - no joke. It REALLY worked for us.

[Cartesia]

Originally Posted by Gillian28

I am finding it interesting to read how many of you are giving choices to your 19 month olds! My son willl be 20 months old tomorrow and I don't really give him choices at all, yikes! With clothes I pick out an outfit based on what we're doing that day, so I've never given him a choice about clothes and he's never resisted getting dressed (maybe that's just his personality?) With activity I always pick based on weather and what I think would be fun for that day. I just can't imagine asking him whether he wants to go to the library or the park, I'm not sure he could even think about that and answer accurately. (Well, and he's still nonverbal, but he can communicate yes and no nonverbally).

I do give him some choice about snacks, sometimes meals (usually just 2 choices).

Personally I just don't think my son is developmentally ready for choices regarding activity and I don't think he really cares what his clothes for the day are. But maybe I should be including him more?

Gillian, I personally think that choices work well when a toddler is really into resisting and refusing. They are good for empowerment when power struggles come up - otherwise I think its great if you can just make the decisions and let your little one be little and get carried along with the flow of things. He will let you know if he needs to have some input!

Just my 2 cents plus a bit of a Waldorf perspective thrown in...

[Kelly1101]

Originally Posted by Gillian28

I am finding it interesting to read how many of you are giving choices to your 19 month olds! My son willl be 20 months old tomorrow and I don't really give him choices at all, yikes! With clothes I pick out an outfit based on what we're doing that day, so I've never given him a choice about clothes and he's never resisted getting dressed (maybe that's just his personality?) With activity I always pick based on weather and what I think would be fun for that day. I just can't imagine asking him whether he wants to go to the library or the park, I'm not sure he could even think about that and answer accurately. (Well, and he's still nonverbal, but he can communicate yes and no nonverbally).

I do give him some choice about snacks, sometimes meals (usually just 2 choices).

Personally I just don't think my son is developmentally ready for choices regarding activity and I don't think he really cares what his clothes for the day are. But maybe I should be including him more?

I don't constantly give my toddler choices all day long, but usually it's conversational. We'll be getting dressed and I'm going through her clothes and just talking, "Hmm, blue shirt today or the purple shirt?" Either work. It's fun for her to point to the one she wants (she's also not very verbal). But, harkening back to the original post, I don't let her pick abstractly because that could turn into a mess... I just hold up two shirts and let her pick which one. If she's in a mood and pushes both of them away and starts fussing (which she has gotten into doing sometimes) I just pick her up and take her away from the shirts and get her interested in something else, then just put a shirt on her quickly while her attention is distracted.

I think there is that line between letting a toddler run things completely (which I'm sure they will if given the chance, I know mine would), and letting them become involved and start practicing decision-making.

[crunchy_mommy]

Originally Posted by Gillian28

Personally I just don't think my son is developmentally ready for choices regarding activity and I don't think he really cares what his clothes for the day are. But maybe I should be including him more?

If it's working for you, I wouldn't change a thing!! As you can see, choices can make things a whole lot harder!!!

My little guy is very... hmm... opinionated? I don't know if that's the word I'm looking for, but anyway... he makes choices on his own even when we don't give him options. Like wanting the blue diaper -- I never asked him which color he wanted, he just freaked out when I put the 'wrong' color on him. He chooses which books he wants to read (out of all our hundreds of books) and gets upset if you try to read a different one instead. He chooses what he wants to eat as well, and though he doesn't choose where we go every day (some days we have set plans), he does choose often, and some days he'll wake up and ask immediately to go to the zoo or the playground. He usually loves choosing but I guess sometimes it gets overwhelming for him. He is very verbal -- has hundreds of words/phrases/sentences -- so he is able to communicate his choices to me easily. I think offering choices helps me to limit his options so we don't end up hmm playing in the playground in the pouring rain!

[elmh23]

Originally Posted by crunchy_mommy

I probably did give him too many choices today. Usually he only gets 2 choices but what do I do on days like today when he refuses both choices? I gave him more options but I guess it would've made more sense to just decide for him.

You say, "I can see you're having a hard time deciding today, so I'll pick for you. Hm, I like this one." And then get him dressed. He might still pitch a fit, but that's okay.

I also think you gave him to many choices for going out. If given the opportunity, both of my older kids would stay at home all day even though they both NEED to get out of the house. So I might ask them the night before if they'd like to go somewhere tomorrow and get their opinion, but I make the decision and in the morning at breakfast I let them know.

[texmati]

Originally Posted by crunchy_mommy

If it's working for you, I wouldn't change a thing!! As you can see, choices can make things a whole lot harder!!!

My little guy is very... hmm... opinionated?

Lol! I was just trying to explain to a friend of mine how you shouldn't buy to many newborn clothes in advance, because your kid might be picky. My son wouldn't wear footie sleepers for the first months of life, i swear it.

I just wanted to tell you that I feel you. I understand what a pp is saying about how you can't make your kid be happy, but it's heart breaking.

I want my son to be happy... I feel awful if he's doomed to be this melancholy, stressed, and just plain not dealing well with life for the rest of his days. s.

[ellemenope]

Originally Posted by crunchy_mommy

If it's working for you, I wouldn't change a thing!! As you can see, choices can make things a whole lot harder!!!

My little guy is very... hmm... opinionated?!

I feel you, too. DD went through probably about 6 months of requesting and only eating the orange gummy fish.

She gets out of the shower everyday (in the mornings with me) and knows exactly what she wants to wear. "How 'bout the kitty-cat shirt today?"

If I don't want her to wear that shirt, I just tell her that it is in the laundry. So far she accepts that lol. But, I know she is very easy going in that dept.