Every marriage has its issues I suppose...

[Feelingblah]

Im no sure if this is te corrct place for this but i couldnt find any sort of "emotional support" thread so this seems to be the best place. If there is another forum that wpuld be better please let me know.

Sorry if this is a little all over the place but I'm just writing as I am thinking. So here goes. My hubby and I have a great relationship. We've been together going on 10 years, married for half of that and have 3 young kids. We are always on the same page with everything. We get along great. When we are home together with the kids everything is 50/50. We enjoy each others company and rarely (if ever) do we fight (and I'd say they are more like arguments then fights). However, there is something in our relationship that we do not see eye-to-eye on and thats sex. He wants it all the time and I never want it. He says he thinks about me naked all day and cant wait to ravage me. I never think of him naked and get all turned on. I
never think of anyone naked for that matter. I love him and find him very attractive but sex is not a priority at all for me. I make an effort to do it with him 2-3 times a week (which I think is fair bc if it were up to him we'd be doing it everyday). Though the last month its been about 1 time every 5 days for unseen circumstances but thats RARE. Last night he said to me, "Either your giving it to someone else or you dont find me attractive". That really hurt bc I dont want him thinking I'm getting it somewhere else and I do find him attractive! Why cant it be that I just dont want to have sex? Why cant he understand that I dont need sex? Do I think its normal that I want to have sex? No. Do I want to want it like he does? Yes. But I dont and I have no idea how to fix it or find a happy medium. Because even when we do have sex, most times I just want to "assume the position", get off and go to bed (or relax or watch a movie or whatever) and he also has a problem with that. He wants me to WANT to have sex and foreplay and do different positions etc... I just want to do it and be done. I hear people say they have sex to "reconnect" and to "show how much they love their spouse" but thats just not me. I'm also lacking in the affection area as well bc I feel like if I touch him or cuddle him he is going to see it as a sexual advance and will want to have sex, and of course I wont want it, then I'm rejecting him once again. And its not like the sex isnt good. It is. He is very "giving" and isnt all about himself. But his way to "unwind" is to have sex. Mine is to lay in bed and cuddle. Sex just seems like so much effort to me! Its like the big white elephant in our bedroom. Last night you could have cut the tension with a knife. He doesnt understand why I never want it or why I'm not turned on when he stands in front of me naked swinging his penis
back and forth (yes seriously!). Even when he touches me sexually it really does nothing for me. I dont get all excited and want to jump his bones (though I do act like it sometimes so I dont hurt his feelings). Its like even when I "act" like I want to have sex but dont want to spend 30 min "doing it" and just want to "get in and out" thats not good enough for him. I understand he wants to be close and foreplay and all that but I dont. And its hard to pretend like I do. I feel bad for not giving him what he wants but I just wish he'd try to understand how I feel. He said that sex is his #1 priority and its very important to him. Sex is probaly the least on my list. In fact I never think about it. I masturbate because I enjoy the orgasm. But that takes me like 1 min to do. If we do a different position then what I like and I dont "finish" I usually get irritated and say, "Ok can we do something else?" to which he says, "cant you just enjoy it?" But NO I cant enjoy it bc I know I wont get off like that and just having him "inside" of me is not what I call enjoyable. I'm not a porn star and just by sticking it in isnt going to make me orgasm. Only certain positions I "enjoy" more than others. Point blank...he isnt happy with not only our lack-of sex but also the quality. And I'm not happy that he always wants sex and needs it to be
"long and drawn out" for lack-of better words. Why cant we just "wam bam thank you maam"? Why does it always have to be this long drawn-out thing. Its like he is dissappointed even when we DO have sex bc we didnt make out like teenagers beforehand.

Anyway, I'm not sure what I want or need to hear but I guess I need advice. Suggestions. Anything. Its hard to admit when there is a problem in your marriage but I really feel like this is a problem. Do I think its a make or break? Not really bc I believe we can somehow fix this. But I just dont know how.

I should also mention that Ive had issues with sexual abuse when I was younger and although I'm "over" all of that I cant help but think maybe thats part of why I am the way I am with sex. I dont think about it but maybe subconsciously? I would hate to be a cop-out and use that "excuse" but thats the only thing I can think of that could have some effect on my sex life as an adult.

He also told me he doesnt really think I'm getting it somewhere else but that it makes him feel insecure. I mean, I know he wants it everyday and I dont. But I have sex just about every other day to make him "happy" but why isnt that good enough?? Why do I have to put so much effort into it for him to enjoy himself?

[katelove]

Are you using any form of hormonal birth control? I found that I had almost zero interest in sex when I was on the Pill and it didn't resolve immediately when I went off it either. In fact it actually didn't improve until after I'd had a baby. Not that I'm suggesting you have a baby to improve your libido, just that those hormones can be tricky.

I don't know whether you past history of abuse could be having an effect but I would guess that it's a definite possibility. Have you always had a low sex drive or is this something relatively new? I would think that just having three young kids could be a bit of a dampener

Would having more affection-which-didn't-automatically-lead-to-sex help do you think? I'm wondering if you could talk to him and say that you feel like you'd like more cuddles etc but don't always want it to turn into sex. Maybe there could be some sort of signal. Like, a cuddle is just a cuddle unless you nibble his ear (or whatever) which gives him the green light. That way you could have some affection without him getting mixed signals and then feeling hurt when you push him away or you getting frustrated because you "give in" when you didn't really feel like it.

I must admit I do see your DHs point about not wanting to just "get in and get out". I would feel very hurt if my partner took that attitude. If I've misinterpreted then I apologise but, what I heard from you post was this: " Ok, I'm lying still and I've got a pulse, what more do you want?" Again, I'm really sorry if I've misread you and I mean this gently but that is very hurtful and I do think your partner has a right to want a bit more than that. I don't think he is being unreasonable when he expresses dissatisfaction with that attitude. Off course I also think that you have a right to your feelings and needs too, don't get me wrong.

Have you considered counceling or sex therapy? Maybe having a neutral third party to mediate would help you both discuss you needs and feelings without things getting too heated.

[Storm Bride]

1) Is this something new in your relationship or has it been a long standing pattern? If it's something new, then that might help pin down when/why it's happened. (It could be something hormonal, or related to having the kids. You may even just be really, really tired. Long, drawn out, "good" sex sounds overwhelming to me when I'm tired.)

2) Does your dh know about your history of sexual abuse? Have you ever worked through that in counseling or anything like that? Do you have any history of birth trauma? These things could all be involved.

3) I'd be really hurt by your obvious desire to just have it over with, too. That would be really hard to handle. I don't know what to recommend, though. It sounds as though you're feeling pressure to have sex, and that's just not a turn on, even if he's not pressuring you on purpose. Could you maybe try once a week, for a longer time period, and see how that works for you? You could also try really hard to figure out what really does turn you on, and go from there. Sex is very, very mental.

4) It sounds as though you both need to work through some issues about sexuality and what each of you is attracted to. I find dh very attractive and do think about him naked. But, as much as I appreciate his naked body, I'd be more inclined to laugh than get worked up if dh were standing there swinging his penis back and forth! That just doesn't sound sexy to me, yk?

5) Whether he meant it or not, I personally feel the "either you're getting it somewhere else" thing was out of bounds. That's really mean and hurtful. I get that he's feeling insecure, but questioning your fidelity is just unfair.

6) Notwithstanding what I said point 4 above, your dh really needs to understand that this isn't about him. It's about you. Yes, it's hard to be with a partner who doesn't want sex with you (I've been on both sides of this equation, with two different spouses, both for years at a time). But, he needs to reframe this in his head, for both your sakes.

[Purplegal]

Ummm...IMO I think your DH is being unrealistic. You have THREE young children and you do it 2-3 times a WEEK? Holy crap, you deserve a medal! I totally understand not being in the mood, you are probably just exhausted! It's very hard for me to feel sexy and in the mood when I'm tired, which is all the time it seems.
I dont know, I dont have any great advice on how to get him to ease up on the sexual pressure though...that is a tough thing to deal with! If at all possible I suggest counseling to try to work this out.

[goodygumdrops]

I can totally relate to everything you posted in this thread. However, my husband and I have had MAJOR issues and I don't really see that we are going to work out in the long run. If my marriage was perfect in every way, and sex was the only issue, then I would stick around and try and work on finding some middle ground.

As far as being sexually abused, this can be a huge factor in the bedroom. My husband was sexually abused and we have absolutely NO emotional or physical intimacy in our marriage and it's always been that way. We've been married for 6 years and together for 10. Anyways, there have been some recent posts in partners about being married to a sexually abused husband...you might look it up and get sense of what it can be like from the other side.

Yet, I do have to agree with the pp that your husband may need to lower his expectations...I fear that he is making this all about YOU and that's really not cool. What about him? Maybe he needs to back off a bit!! 2-3 times with young kids is award winning

[The4OfUs]

ITA with StormBride. Hugs to you really, this has to be so difficult. I'd probably start with a physical exam and some lab work to make sure there was nothing physically making things more difficult, and then I'd probably get into some therapy to really work through your past. You wrote you're "over" it, but I have to believe with what you wrote you could get some real help with what's going on.

I think you have a constellation of pretty crappy things all coming together, but I think a lot of them could be worked through. It might never be every day sex as he wants, but you could meet somewhere int eh middle both with frequency, desire, and non-sex affection. Good, good luck OP.

And I would also agree that 2-3 tiems a week with young children is pretty darn frequent. We have a 6-1/2 yo and a 4 yo and twice a week is usually the most we can manage.

[Tjej]

Would there be a way to compromise with him - 1-2 "quickies" then a "makeout session", alternating? I agree that you should get some sort of a medal for how often you guys HAVE been doing it.

I guess I really understand your feelings - maybe I'm messed up, but I am not turned on by a naked person. Ever seen the "good naked/bad naked" Sienfeld episode? Maybe you should watch that with your DH and it'd be a funny way to talk about how a naked man just isn't the same as a naked woman. I LOVE my DH and I AM attracted to him - he's super cute and sexy. But although I have always been attracted to men, I have never been one for naked fantasies.

When I feel nurtured and somewhat rested and understood I really feel more interested in sex. Do you feel nurtured? Rested? Understood? (you said he really doesn't understand, so I'll answer that one no) Are you nursing? The less often I nurse, the more interested in sex I am.

Is it possible that your DH is so into sex that he has a porn problem? Maybe he wants to have sex with you in order to not feed a problem?

As far as ever getting cuddles without sex, going from my own personal experience that is going to be really hard to get. BUT there are ways to get cuddled - cuddles after sex, hand holding on walks, downhill skiing together (cuddle on the chairlift )... Get creative, there are things you CAN do.

He shouldn't throw out there any infidelity remarks - sounds like he was sorry about it and admitted it wasn't a real fear, so that's good. It's a bit like throwing around the "d" word - you just don't DO that in a marriage unless that is REALLY where you are thinking of going/what you think is going on.

Sexual abuse? Could be part of it, or you could just be the mother of 3 young kids married to a guy who has a really high sex drive.

Don't feel bad about your feelings, and don't let this become a "blame" thing. It's how you feel and it really isn't fair for him to blame you for your feelings. Does he know how important cuddling is for you? If he throws blame at you, remind him of the things that make you FEEL more like having sex - getting to sleep in one morning, cuddling watching a movie, etc. Then do those things and put out . Imo, teach him what you need/want, and if that really is what you need, your feelings will come with a little time.

Tjej

[Wild Lupine]

Sorry if this doesn't make sense, it's the middle of the night.

Like other PP's I think your husband probably is hurt by your lack of interest and am wondering if it has always been like this? That would be a big clue as to how to fix the issue. Were you more interested in sex at the beginning of your relationship or pre kids? Was it more enjoyable then?

I also agree with the PP's that 2-3 times per week with young kids is medal-earning, especially if it's long drawn out sex. You say he's giving, but is he giving you what you want/need or is he giving you what he wants you to have? There's a big, big difference. The standing naked and swinging his penis... well, that wouldn't do it for me, either. There's actually quite a bit of research showing that women don't get turned on by that sort of thing, so you're not alone! And affection without sex is often essential to having a decent sex life. I cannot even separate the two in my mind. Non-sexual cuddles on one day will make me feel more connected and much more into sex the next day. I don't know about the research but I suspect many women are like this.

I think the solution lies in you finding out what kind of sex you do want with him - actually WANT, not just are willing to put up with. And he might need to back off with his expectations for a little while so you can figure that out. There might be all sorts of things going on, and I might be completely wrong, but I got the impression while reading that you're so overwhelmed and exhausted by the frequency with with you're having sex now, along with the expectation that it be a big deal every time, that you've lost touch with your own drive. I'm a big reader of Savage Love, and what I've read there is that repeatedly having sex when you really don't want it creates an aversive response to it. There's definitely a place for the partner with the lower drive having sex when they're not in the mood, but that's when there are no underlying issues (exhaustion, unmet needs), and also when the partner with the lower drive has enough of a drive to initiate sometimes. I don't think that's the case with you and DH; it sounds more like the former situation, that you've become aversive. That's not going to cure itself by having more sex, it'll only get worse if the underlying issues aren't addressed.

[Strong Mama]

I recommend a very good website.It is christian based, however, but the boards are fantastic. www.themarriagebed.com

WONDERFUL sections about low drive vs high drive, and all sorts of help on there, even if you just read the situations it may help you. When you join, you have to go to your profile and look at the board index to add certain boards to read, some are quite detail oriented so they let you make the choice to add the topics.

I am on the opposite of you. I have high drive and my husband has a low drive. If it were up to me, we would be DTD every day, right now its 3 times a week if I am lucky. I find his naked body very much a turn on, but I am a visual woman, we are out there! LOL
I feel unwanted, etc so I know how your dh must feel. I think you making love to him 2 times a week is plenty enough but your attitude towards it needs to change, instead of treating it like a chore, try your best to tell yourself you are going to enjoy it, etc beforehand and try to really get into it, for his sake.
There may be physical reasons for you having a low libido as well. I would strongly recommend that website above for more reading.

[raelize]

i also have problems with this with my husband. we love each other, enjoy spending time together, but yes, his drive is REALLY high and mine is really low. it hasn't always been like this, our first years together we were all over each other. as a previous poster said, i know that a lot of my problems now are:
1) nursing ( just turns me OFF)
2) being incredibly tired
3) not getting enough me time- so when the kdis are asleep, i finally have some time for myself to recharge, and all i want to do is read a good book
4) feeling resentful that he doesn't respect the fact that i am TIRED and need some time to myself.

all of this adds up to me reefusing him often. we probably do it 1-2 times a week. he also is a night owl, and will often come to bed after i am sleeping adn try to wake me up to have sex. nope. not doing that. i am sleeping!!

one thing that did help was taking shatavari- it is an ayervedic herb that really raises your libido. it is totally safe to take if you are pregnant or nursing ( in fact it increases milk production). i noticed a big change when i was taking that.
also i know that dh often feels rejected- i would if i were him, so when i do feel like having sex, i will make an effort to intiate it.
i agree that talking to your husband and explainging it will at least get it off your chest. and seriously- having sex 2-3 times a week with young kids is definatly medal worthy. i don't think i could do that even if i wanted to have sex all the time.

[rainbow_mandala]

As a sexual abuse survivor myself, there were a few things you mentioned that set off alarm bells in me...things that remind me of myself and of other people I've known and heard about who are sexual abuse survivors. The fact that you just want to "assume the position" and get it over with shows a disconnection with your body and sexuality. You do not take sex seriously, it's simply a means to an end, you don't care about the foreplay and even being touched sexually does nothing for you. These are all common "symptoms" (I guess you could call them) in people who've been sexually abused.

When a person is sexually abused, they are not treated as an actual person, only as an object for the abuser's pleasure. When this is someone's first sexual experience (or close to it) it often greatly effects the relationship they have with their bodies and sexuality, thus, making it difficult to maintain a healthy sexual relationship with someone.

Also, the pushier a sexual abuse survivor's partner is, the harder it is to be present and receptive to sex. This is basically a trigger for the past abuse and only makes us want sex even less, be touched even less. Unfortunately, this often communicates to the partner that they need to try harder, that they're not performing adequately enough. In actuality, you simply need some space in order to heal and become reconnected to yourself again, if you choose to do so.

Also, it can be difficult to know how to set boundaries, especially when it's your husband who you love and care about. You don't want to hurt him, you simply want to please him, but you're not happy so something needs to change. Sexual abuse survivors seem to have a harder time with this because since their boundaries were violated, they don't feel it's safe or even permitted to try to be totally firm in this way.

If any of this seem to feel like it could be something you're experiencing then I highly recommend this book for whenever you're ready to start tackling what you're going through: http://www.amazon.com/Courage-Heal-W...4780608&sr=8-2

A very powerful workbook, has helped a lot of people on a very deep level.

[annie2186]

OP - I could have pretty much written your post (except no sexual abuse and my husband isn't QUITE as high pressure as yours)

I seriously, seriously, seriously, have had nooooo interest in DTD in......ummmm, forever?? My DH and I have been doing it consistently 2-4 times a week (sometimes more and sometimes less, but never less than 2 times a week) since we have been "together".
At first I was interested in it............now, not so much. Its not that I find my husband not attractive or attractive. I'm not really into seeing guys as "attractive". I find personality and charisma MUCH more attractive than actual someone's actual body.

Anyways - I guess I am just saying - you are NOT alone. I have been pregnant and breastfeeding alot of the time, but even when I was cycling.......nothing......not even around O time

So yeah, DTD, I could probably go about 10 years without at this point!!

(interesting tidbit - I was just reading somewhere the other day that 1 in 100 women is asexual..........I guess that really isn't so rare)

ETA - My husband also thinks that 2-3 times a week is "not very much" ummmmm really??? We've been together six years and have 3 (and 1/4th!) kids........2-3 times is a freakin LOT!!!!

[lookatreestar]

Originally Posted by rachel_eva

i also have problems with this with my husband. we love each other, enjoy spending time together, but yes, his drive is REALLY high and mine is really low. it hasn't always been like this, our first years together we were all over each other. as a previous poster said, i know that a lot of my problems now are:
1) nursing ( just turns me OFF)
2) being incredibly tired
3) not getting enough me time- so when the kdis are asleep, i finally have some time for myself to recharge, and all i want to do is read a good book
4) feeling resentful that he doesn't respect the fact that i am TIRED and need some time to myself.

all of this adds up to me reefusing him often. we probably do it 1-2 times a week. he also is a night owl, and will often come to bed after i am sleeping adn try to wake me up to have sex. nope. not doing that. i am sleeping!!

one thing that did help was taking shatavari- it is an ayervedic herb that really raises your libido. it is totally safe to take if you are pregnant or nursing ( in fact it increases milk production). i noticed a big change when i was taking that.
also i know that dh often feels rejected- i would if i were him, so when i do feel like having sex, i will make an effort to intiate it.
i agree that talking to your husband and explainging it will at least get it off your chest. and seriously- having sex 2-3 times a week with young kids is definatly medal worthy. i don't think i could do that even if i wanted to have sex all the time.

[mamabutterfly]

OP, if you are nursing, find an article for him to read about the effects of hormones on sex drive - assuming the way you feel since the 3 kids is a change from when you first met.
Don't let this be simply an excuse, but a way for him to not feel rejected and a way to let him know it is temporary, a phase in life which will pass. (Hopefully, & if you keep the relationship nurtured overall I mean)

[eclipse]

I could have written your post a couple of years ago, down to the three kids and sexual assault survivor. I honestly don't know if he ever really "understood" how I was feeling (but I think you laid it out very well in your post!). He would get upset at me not ever wanting touch him, but not understand that everytime I touched him (for cuddles) he took it as a sexual advance etc etc etc. Anyhow. . .somehow, it has worked out. There was a point in time that I thought we weren't going to make it, but we have. He would still like it multiple times a day, but we get in 2-3 - but it's generally of a high quality, not "assume the position" type sessions. A big change came for me when I stopped nursing. It was the first time in 9 years that I'd been not nursing and/or pregnant. I also got treatment for depression with a med that does not have sexual side effects. But the biggest thing was telling me husband, poitn blank, that unless there was a complete shut down of all pressure on me to perform sexually, that it wasn't going to get any better, and that we were going to end up divorced. I needed him to back off and let me set the pace completely for awhile. If he wanted me to ever initiate, he needed to give me the chance to initiate. I needed to feel like I could be close to him without having to either submit to or fend off sexual advances that I didn't want. Being a survivor, my rational mind can know my husband isn't the enemy, isn't an abuser, but those emotions and patterns can come flooding back insituations where I'm feeling the slightest bit coerced or uncomfortable or pressured.

[Wild Lupine]

Originally Posted by rachel_eva

one thing that did help was taking shatavari- it is an ayervedic herb that really raises your libido. it is totally safe to take if you are pregnant or nursing ( in fact it increases milk production). i noticed a big change when i was taking that.

Sorry to hijack, but where does one find shatavari?

[Belia]

I could have written many aspects of your post. No advice, no answers, you're even further along than me in that you can discuss this issue, even online, without feeling too ashamed.

I'm metaphorically still hiding on my bed with a blanket over my head in re: to this issue.

[Magelet]

definitely a high libido DP and low libido me here as well. (and it didn't used to be that way, I used to be randy as heck).

I think what a lot of folks were saying about needing snuggles and kissing without it having to lead to sex is definitely something I need.

(Also, I found that for a little while I was reading really racy romances and my drive skyrocketed. and then I ran out of racy in a way that I like paranormal romances... lol. If your even maybe into romances, it's worth a try lol)

I suspect in my case, though maybe not yours, that part of the problem is feeling like since I'm not in the mood often, I feel like it always has to be sex when I am. Dp has said he's ok with me taking care of myself, but even when I really want to do just that rather than DTD, I feel guilty because I'm so rarely horny I feel like I want to let him share that, even though what I really want is to be alone. Not too much help, but you aren't alone.

[MamaChef]

Originally Posted by rainbow_mandala

As a sexual abuse survivor myself, there were a few things you mentioned that set off alarm bells in me...things that remind me of myself and of other people I've known and heard about who are sexual abuse survivors. The fact that you just want to "assume the position" and get it over with shows a disconnection with your body and sexuality. You do not take sex seriously, it's simply a means to an end, you don't care about the foreplay and even being touched sexually does nothing for you. These are all common "symptoms" (I guess you could call them) in people who've been sexually abused.

When a person is sexually abused, they are not treated as an actual person, only as an object for the abuser's pleasure. When this is someone's first sexual experience (or close to it) it often greatly effects the relationship they have with their bodies and sexuality, thus, making it difficult to maintain a healthy sexual relationship with someone.

Also, the pushier a sexual abuse survivor's partner is, the harder it is to be present and receptive to sex. This is basically a trigger for the past abuse and only makes us want sex even less, be touched even less. Unfortunately, this often communicates to the partner that they need to try harder, that they're not performing adequately enough. In actuality, you simply need some space in order to heal and become reconnected to yourself again, if you choose to do so.

Also, it can be difficult to know how to set boundaries, especially when it's your husband who you love and care about. You don't want to hurt him, you simply want to please him, but you're not happy so something needs to change. Sexual abuse survivors seem to have a harder time with this because since their boundaries were violated, they don't feel it's safe or even permitted to try to be totally firm in this way.

If any of this seem to feel like it could be something you're experiencing then I highly recommend this book for whenever you're ready to start tackling what you're going through: http://www.amazon.com/Courage-Heal-W...4780608&sr=8-2

A very powerful workbook, has helped a lot of people on a very deep level.

I couldnt have written a better post to you. As a sexual abuse survivor, I had alot of the same warning bells and alarms. I haven't read the two books above but I do think you would benefit in your soul to work through this aspect with someone instead of "going through the motions". I totally related to assuming the position, getting off and getting done with it..

I actually enjoy sex with my husband now after a little under a year of therapy to address the sexual abuse and my family of origin issues.. and no, we dont have sex every week even some months... But we have satisfying connection now.. and that means more then the act of sex.

It has improved every aspect of our relationship and Im so glad for the changes in our marriage.

[Feelingblah]

I wrote this post a while ago and I never came back to thank everyone for your suggestions/comments.  Things are better (but only bc I do it just to "do it") so DH isnt complaining.  But inside I dont really want to.  I will come back later for individual replies but I cant right now as my kids are all awake and running around crazy.

Mamachef-  I miss the connection as well.  I want that back and I dont now how to get it back.  I WANT to want to have sex and I want it to be meaningful.  Im just not sure how to get there.