if you had your non-trained friend be your doula

[lovebeingamomma]

did you find it helpful or regret not hiring a trained doula? I'm not sure if I'm looking for more emotional support, which I would get with a friend, or a trained doula who knows "techniques" for physical support. I am a doula so I recognize the benefits of knowing certain things, but I've never birthed with a doula and I found the one thing hindering my births was not being able to relax because of the strangers around, so I want to be very comfortable with whoever is there.

[mangopaco]

My wife is a doula and we hired a doula friend of hers to be our doula. Another doula friend of hers was our backup doula who we invited to be at the birth anyway since it was a homebirth.

I can't say enough about having them there. Although they weren't really good friends of ours, my wife knew them enough to feel really comfortable with them there, using physical touch, etc.

Plus, it became such a primal experience that my wife was having trouble communicating what she wanted. The doulas were great at reading her body language and doing what they felt they should do to help her feel more comfortable.

[Banana731]

I did this. She was a very experienced hb mom, and great support. The only thing I regret was not having her bring her kids, she couldn't stay for the whole birth because she didn't have a sitter! I wish I had just told her to bring them!

[Sfcmama]

We had my sister who is a trained Doula. While she did have a few labor tricks up her sleeve, she was faaaaaaaaaaaaaar more helpful to us emotionally because she knew us so well. She knew exactly what we needed to hear or when we needed space, etc. All I had to do was give her a look and the perfect ice cube/washcloth/rub magically appeared. She also was able to manage the family better because she knew all the dynamics and history. Given that we had such skilled midwives who we trusted, I would rather have had the emotional support over another "trained" person there.
Good luck!

[ashleybrook]

i actually went through some doula training to be an assistant for my friend's home birth...do you have a friend that you think has the right energy that would be interested in doing a little reading or training? i don't think it has to be in depth training if they're already a "confident helper" in spirit. good luck!

ashley

[heathenmom]

We did this with our first birth and it was a DISASTER. While (I thought) she knew me very well, she had no clue what to do RE labor support phyiscally or emotionally and ended up pissing me off so bad that I hid in the bathroom for a while and I think I even asked my husband to tell her to leave. I eventually told her to shut up and leave me the bleep alone. Not my finest moment.

We hired a professional doula for our second birth. She was worth every penny and then some.

[OkiMom]

If I had someone I was close enough with (I don't) that I wouldn't mind in the room with me then I would do it. I can't stand the idea of strangers touching me (I don't even like doctors/midwives/nurses touching me) so a between that and the fact I have enough strangers in the room I don't need one more I wouldn't feel comfortable with a doula who wasn't also a close family friend.

[Phantaja]

I have no formal training and I was my friends doula just this past Sunday. I didn't know how much help I'd be, but when I walked away to grab a stick of gum and let her partner have a part in the birth she refused to push. After all was said and done, her partner couldn't stop thanking me and his sister said that she wished I was there for her births. The OB nurse even stopped me in the hall to tell me that she's never had such good labor support in the room. I was so touched that I nearly cried.

I think that anyone, friend or not, professional or not, with a passion for birth and a gentle hand could be a good doula.

[ocelotmom]

I'm a doula. If I was having anyone at the birth, it would be a particular friend of mine (who has had a homebirth and is generally very calming), and not a doula, unless the doula was someone I knew well enough to want at the birth otherwise. Obviously I think doulas are valuable, but I know enough about how I labor to know that, if I don't feel very very close to someone, I'd rather just be left alone, and I'll just boss DH around as far as the physical support goes.

If it were my first birth, I'd choose a doula over a friend.

[lovebeingamomma]

thanks for the input everyone. I have plenty of time to decide still thinking about it. Both my labors I really did better alone, the presence of anyone I felt like I was just on show, although I know a doula has a purpose and won't just be watching me. I don't know.

[HeatherB]

For a homebirth with a good MW, having a friend is probably fine. We had a "lay doula," if you will, at our first birth - a hospital birth. Of course, my labor didn't go anything like a "normal" one and fell out of the scope of both the OBs and our friend. It was also super long which was tough on everyone. If we'd had a very experienced doula and/or a patient and experienced MW, we could have had a VERY different outcome. Thankfully, that's not as risky at home. Having someone you're comfortable with should be your first priority.

[Lady Lilya]

My mother was my labor support person. The only births she has ever been at before were her own 2 in the early 80s. My MW was very uncomfortable about the idea. She kept pressuring me to hire a professional. She said that a lot of mothers have trouble when they see their "baby" in pain, and that I should be prepared to ask her to leave if she becomes difficult.

But my mother was great. Afterwards, the midwife was raving about her to everyone.

But I already knew things about my mother that made me very confident in having her as my support person. Under pressure she is a rock. She is very perceptive and responsive. She is a workhorse that can keep going very consistently even when super tired. She is so clear-headed and logical and asks tough questions of care providers, so she is the best advocate to have in case of transfer. I knew she'd do great.