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Invited to dss bday party by mom

post #1 of 10
Thread Starter 
I am new to being a stepparent. DH and I have been together over a year, at first the ex was his friend and she came over all the time and after we got married I asked him not to let her come over when I wasnt here, so he did. She got mad and stopped coming over. She is with another guy now and is pregnant too. I am pregnant with twins. She has a history of drug abuse, she just got out of jail when I met dh last year, she is on drug court duty for 2 years now. She has always been nice to me, me to her but I just dont feel comfortable being around her. Last year, after dh and I first started dating, she had dss bday party at her house and I went with dh. (we werent married at the time) dh ignored me pretty much most of the time, hung out with her, and I felt so left out, I left the party in tears. I told him never again. Well......its that time again. Dss party is tomorrow. We are invited. I do not want to go. We have already celebrated his bday here at our house, why do we have to go to his bday over there? I am hugely preggo with twins and do not feel like being around his ex wife and all her family and friends. Is this so bad?? Dh is fine with not going, but I feel so guilty about it, like I am being a biatch or something......
post #2 of 10
I think your pregnancy gives you a super-easy excuse not to go, if you really don't think you can handle it.

That said, I think you should go. This is your step-child. His birthday. His party. That should come first. She did the right thing by inviting you - inviting all the people who are important to the child, not just the people she gets along with. You and your husband should go to all the events in his son's life that are a big deal to his son and not make it a policy to skip them because you don't want to be around his Mom.

This is only year #2. Clearly, your husband and his ex had some adjustments to make, regarding boundaries and re-drawing them in light of their new relationships. If you left in tears after the last party, I assume you made your husband aware what the problem was. So he knows - more or less - what you're expecting of him, this time. Give him a chance to do better. You've got years and years of these things ahead of you. Don't reject the potential of good relations because attempt #1 went badly.
post #3 of 10
Thread Starter 
Thank you for your advice, I really appreciate it, and you are right, which is why I feel like a biatch..... I suppose I could suck it up and go its only 2 hours. Its not that I dont like being around her, its just the way she acts when I am, she is very obnoxious and wears short daisy duke shorts and bends over in front of dh, things like this. But you are right its about my stepson, who I love very much and would only do this for him.
post #4 of 10
"Give him a chance to do better."

I can only imagine how awful it is to watch her shake her thang at your husband, but... better to work on fixing that issue than to have to deal with them hating each other, talking trash about each other and tearing your DSS apart emotionally.
post #5 of 10
If she is pregnant, too, than maybe she won't be in the mood to be shaking her thang in daisy dukes. I know that was about the last thing I wanted to do while pregnant!

I would go.

#1) If your DSS is important to you, than you should be there for his big day.

#2) When DH and my relationship was new, I felt better being "present." It is too easy forget that he is part of a couple if half of the couple is never there, kwim?

One of my best strategies through this whole thing has been to be stupid and cheerful. If she is flirting, just smile and interject yourself. Kiss your DH on the cheek, agree that he is the best, ask her how she is feeling, whatever. Just be happy and do not notice her antics. Take it from the lady whose DSD's mom was flirting with her DH at their wedding.
post #6 of 10
Originally Posted by Strong Mama View Post
...which is why I feel like a biatch...
No, no, no! This is difficult stuff for anyone - and you have mega pregnancy hormones, to boot! Let go of bashing yourself. You don't deserve it and it only adds negativity.

We all go through this, even in the best situations. My step-son lives with us and his mom's out of state. So most of the year, I get to do everything with him and never even have to think about her. Yet every year, we invite his mother to his birthday party and every year my stomach is in knots, for fear she'll actually come. She's only come to 2 of his sporting events, in almost 3 years. I would have loved any excuse not to go to those; not to wonder whether to force myself to talk to her, or to make myself so busy talking to other people that I just never get around to it; not to wonder if she's going to tousle my husband's hair again, or hug my mom again and gush as though they're old friends and allies. If my husband also acted warmly toward her, it would make me feel like coming unglued. And I'm not pregnant!

But for me, as for you, at the end of the day it feels better to know you did the right thing, not the easy one.

So take your husband by the hands, look deeply and lovingly into his eyes and tell him that you cannot always control how this pregnancy makes you act, so at the party you need him to help you - and help himself - by remembering to be attentive to the right woman!
post #7 of 10
I would say you should go. But really, it is your husband who needs to learn how to act. His behavior last year was completely unacceptable.
post #8 of 10
Go, and laugh if she tries anything. YOU are the beautiful, glowing, sexy mama he chose to be with, not her! If he is willing to stay away from that party because it makes you uncomfortable, he obviously places your relationship as the most important priority. You are in a position to laugh and feel sorry for her making a fool of herself.
post #9 of 10
Thread Starter 
Dh got called in to work,so we ended up not going. So the universe worked it out. LOL

Thanks for all the great advice!!!!!!!
post #10 of 10
I know this is a moot point now but we have been going through the same thing. Boyfriend's ex has lately been quite evil and conniving so we agreed that we would no longer expose ourselves to her. We did go to the party she had for boyfriend's son last year and though it was awkward I dealt with it. We now have our own family birthday or birthday with his friends and his mom gets to decide what sort of party she wants to have for him. I am done subjecting myself to her abuse. I do care for boyfriend's son but my own greater good is important to me as well.

I think we spend an awful lot of time doing what we think is right and not following our gut regarding what is right for ourselves. If we teach people to treat us this way, to put ourselves second, then they will start doing the same.
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