"I'm not good at anything."

[mnj77]

DD, 3.5, has just started saying this a lot. Anytime she does something that she doesn't think is perfect. My instinctual response is "Don't be silly. You are the most perfect and talented child ever to grace the planet with her presence." But that is clearly not the right response

I don't want her to get in the habit of needing outside validation that she's "good enough." On the other hand, I worry that she feels nervous that she's not good enough for me. For example, she refuses to draw anything recognizable in my presence. She says she doesn't know how. But she draws things at preschool. Anytime she writes a letter in my presence she immediately crumples it up, but she writes letters with her dad. I have no idea why she would think I might criticize her (I think I'm pretty
non-critical and we have a very warm and affectionate relationship), but I want her to feel accepted and maybe she needs a little more mommy praise? Or should I try to avoid the praise?

I'm currently trying "You don't have to do everything well. But if you want to get better at something, you just need to practice." Any other ideas?

[swd12422]

No advice, but I think it's good to remind her that new things take practice, and some require more than others. I'll be curious to see what others have to say, though, as we're reaching the same "phase" right now. DS doesn't say he's "not good at anything" but he frequently says, "I can't do it" even when he can (and has before) or when he hasn't even tried yet. I'm trying to figure out how to encourage him to try (or try a little harder rather than just one half-hearted attempt before giving up) without being "one of those" pushy moms.

[NellieKatz]

I'd say just validate her feelings. Try and repeat what she is TRYING to say. For example, if she doesn't want to draw in front of you and says "I'm no good at anything" you could say "You wish you could do better sometimes." or "Sometimes drawings don't come out the way you like." Basically you're trying to let her know you hear her....that you hear the basic feeling she's trying to communicate. When you echo back what they are trying to say, they feel heard, which reassures them. I learned this in some book, and it's really great. When the kids feel heard , and that you understand, then they don't feel so bad and might feel empowered to solve their problem.

I would say that the worst thing you could do was to "sermonize" (i.e. the typical parental response about about needing to practice in order to do anything well) or to negate "oh honey, your drawings are great" (because that's not what she is feeling, and she wants to be heard, as we all do.)

Hope that helps. I've done that with my son, when he's all upset and crying, and it really defuses the situation once I have "met him where he is."

[swd12422]

Thank you for posting that. IDK if it's the same book, but I have "How to Talk So Your Kids Will Listen..." and that's basically the idea. I just keep forgetting! (And I do sermonize. )

[mnj77]

This sounds good. I haven't read that book. I will try to pick it up. Thanks!

[Snapdragon]

I don't think there is anything wrong with saying the thing you said you feel like saying in your original post.( the praising of her) I know that even as an adult I like to get lots of affirmation and praise from my husband, and I ask for it a lot. I think it is nice to tell other family members how wonderful and perfect they are. I think repeated outside validation, especially for a child, is actually a nice thing.
Why don't you want to say that to her?

[Learning_Mum]

In my house I'd probably tell DS all the great things he can do. Something along the lines of 'of course you are! You're really good at climbing and building machines and you have a great imagination!' and then follow it up with how the most important thing is that he tries his hardest and if he tries his hardest then he should be proud of himself no matter what.

[mnj77]

Originally Posted by Snapdragon

I don't think there is anything wrong with saying the thing you said you feel like saying in your original post.( the praising of her) I know that even as an adult I like to get lots of affirmation and praise from my husband, and I ask for it a lot. I think it is nice to tell other family members how wonderful and perfect they are. I think repeated outside validation, especially for a child, is actually a nice thing.
Why don't you want to say that to her?

I've been reading a lot about the problem of giving kids too much meaningless praise (e.g. Repeating "good job" at every turn). The idea is that it's healthier for her to develop inner pride and confidence rather than to grow up to need constant outside validation of her self worth.

[NellieKatz]

Originally Posted by Snapdragon

I don't think there is anything wrong with saying the thing you said you feel like saying in your original post.( the praising of her) I know that even as an adult I like to get lots of affirmation and praise from my husband, and I ask for it a lot. I think it is nice to tell other family members how wonderful and perfect they are. I think repeated outside validation, especially for a child, is actually a nice thing.
Why don't you want to say that to her?

Because if the child doesn't feel that way inside, it can cause them a lot of stress knowing that they don't live up to what you're saying. I have read this in numerous places. Like if you say "You're such a good boy," and he knows that just a half an hour ago he pulled the wings off a fly, he will feel terrible conflict--either that or he'll come to the conclusion that you aren't very smart. So instead, speak directly to the action, describing what you see, and let the CHILD come to their own value judgements and conclusions.

But I stand by my earlier advice, which was to validate what you think the child is feeling. Not what they're SAYING with words ("I'm not any good at drawing.") but at what they are trying to communicate (i.e. you can say "It sounds like you aren't pleased with how your drawing came out." or "You sometimes don't like how your drawings come out."). Then, having thus been heard, the child can come up with their own solution, which builds their self-esteem.

For example, a conversation could continue like so: You: "You sometimes don't like how your drawings come out." Child: "Yeah Mom, I really didn't like that picture I did in class yesterday. It wasn't as good as Suzie's." You: "You would like to be able to draw like Suzie?" Child: "Yeah!" You: "What do you like about Suzie's drawings?" Child: "They are so detailed" You: "Would you like me to help you with making your drawings more detailed?" Child: "No, I think I know how...." and she happily runs off to get markers and paper) or "Yes, would you please?" and you both sit down and work together on it.

In this example, you haven't tried to negate her feelings, change them, or erase them. You just stated what you were hearing. She is left to draw her own conclusions.

Because kids may SAY some kind of sweeping value judgement such as
"I am NO good at that." but it could just be that they're describing how they feel about something that happened. And they want to be heard.

Does that make sense?

[WifeMomChiro]

This thread is a good reminder for me. I have a little girl who says, "I can't do it!" quite a bit and I generally try to encourage her to try. I'll try having more empathy and see how that helps her grow in her confidence. TY.