Ignorant But Well-Meaning Family

[Partaria]

Hi Mamas,

I'm here in the homebirth forum hoping for some support from all you rad homebirthing folks.

Here's my backstory:

I'm 28, pregnant with my first. I'm about six weeks along. I am estranged from my Mom, have been for a long time now. But I am very close to my Dad, who is a big supporter, but a worrier, and who I truly believe always wants the best for me.

DH and I aren't very well-off, but we do okay. With the baby coming, we're figuring out how to pay for a homebirth (since crappy insurance will only cover an OB-hospital birth, which I'm utterly opposed to), and how to make ends meet after the baby gets here. It's not looking easy, but I'm sure it never looks easy to anyone. We'll figure it out.

Part of what we're doing to cut costs is selling my car. First, we had to pay off what we owed. My dad loaned us money to do that, which we were to pay off after the sale.

He called today and said he thought it over with my stepmom, and they want to forget the loan. They say we can keep the money. Which was immensely generous and would go such a very long way to helping us.

Here's where it got worrying. My dad knows Ive talked about how unhappy I am with what insurance provides. I mentioned the FSBC being out of price range for us, but that homebirth is an option. This was a week ago, and I've since then become super excited about homebirth, and think it is the best of all worlds.

My dad said to me that this money is partly to help me get the absolute best maternity care and that I am "do whatever I want" but that it's important to think "safety first," and that he was premature and only survived in a hospital, blah blah. I know what he's doing here- giving us strings attached money so I won't homebirth.

Oh mamas, I am so confused. I don't know if we can refuse this money, we really do need it. But I feel like it comes with pressure to birth someone else's way. The idea of having my little one in a sterile hospital makes me immediately tense and fearful. When I think of greeting my child here in our home I feel peaceful and light.

Our house is only 1 block from the hospital- isn't that enough? Besides, if I went into premature labor I'm sure my midwife would be competent enough to tell me, "girl, get to the hospital now."

I just don't know what to do. I don't want to argue with my dad or be strained with him during my pregnancy - it should be a time of family happiness. But I know what he wants us to do with this money. He wants us to go to a fancy hospital in town to have this child. Or the FSBC. Which I guess isnt so bad, but it's not home.

Sorry I'm just rambling here. Anyone gone through anything like this? Can you ever convince conservative white males that you know how to have your own baby? Homebirth is safe, dammit, especially in states like mine where midwives are certified by the state. I wish he could see that. I don't want to be coerced...

[HappyMommy2]

Well, is your goal to convince your Dad? If so, you can. He needs to know that if there is any reason (like severely premature labor) you will go directly to the hospital. Also - you might even bring him to a midwife appt and let him ask all the what-if questions.

Otherwise, I think you just need to be honest with your dad. Tell him that you can't take money for a hospital birth, because that is not your plan.

You might even say that you could really use the money for the car, and that you are torn. But, you have done a ton of research and have decided that you and your baby will be safer at home.

I would NOT sacrifice a homebirth, and risk hospital horrors, for money.

Congrats on your baby and your HB decision, mama!!

Good luck mama!!

[IdentityCrisisMama]

Hum...that's tricky.

On the one hand, no one should gift money to responsible parents and then try to dictate their choices.

On the other hand, your dad/step-mom seem pretty sweet and seem like they just want the best and it's complicated to explain refusing interventions to someone who believes they were saved by one.

What about back tracking on your research/discoveries a bit and sharing with them some of the thoughts that led you to want homebirth? You know, call them with the news that you just found the c-section rates at local hospitals. Tell them which hospital is best. Then call them and let them know you've met a local midwife and talk about her c-section rate and what she says about the safety of homebirth.

You certainly shouldn't feel you *have* to take them on this journey with you but it may end up being a really sweet experience.

Just curious, are you in a fairly homebirth friendly town or is it really rare where you are? Are your dad/step-mom the type to step out of their ways when new things come along?

[AFWife]

Just a note: We have to pay out of pocket too. When the object of money came up with the midwife she said she was willing to let us pay what we could even if that meant not being fully paid by the birth. She said as long as we got her the full amount within a few months after it would be okay. She didn't want me to miss out on my ideal birth because of something like money. Maybe bring up with a few that it's an issue and see if they can work with you?

[Lady Lilya]

I have had one homebirth already and am planning my second one in the spring. Luckily, we expect our insurance to pay at least part of it (the MW will bill for each and every little detail, like each prenatal visit, etc, trying to get enough money) and even if the insurance doesn't cover it we can make it work out of our savings.

BUT, if we had to pay every cent out of pocket and were tight for money, I would still do it. I wouldn't choose a hospital to birth in for any amount of money. Yeah, it is a lot of money, but money comes and goes. Your child has only one birth, and getting it right is soooo important.

[smeep]

Umm...the only difference between safety of a FSBC and safety of a homebirth is commute to a hospital. Unless the FSBC is half a block from a hospital, you're safer at home in that regard. Just because it's a building intended for women birthing babies, it doesn't mean it's any safer than home. My midwife does births at her FSBC and at the clients home - just depending on what each client wants. She has the same equipment at both, and follows the same procedures and gives the same care. With my son's birth my home was closer to a hospital than the FSBC...therefore homebirth was technically safer than the FSBC (we did choose to birth in the center, but for other reasons).

He did technically tell you to "do whatever you want" so I'd just take that and pretend you didn't hear the subtle hints to go to an institution.

[smeep]

Originally Posted by Lady Lilya

BUT, if we had to pay every cent out of pocket and were tight for money, I would still do it. I wouldn't choose a hospital to birth in for any amount of money. Yeah, it is a lot of money, but money comes and goes. Your child has only one birth, and getting it right is soooo important.

I would most likely UC before I had a hospital birth (assuming there were no need for intervention - the second there was need for in-hospital intervention, regardless of what my current birth plans were, I would get my butt over there!).

[Partaria]

Thank you thank you thank you!

I just needed to hear from other women that I was okay sticking to my guns, and that my HB choice wasn't crazy. DH is in full support of homebirth, but still, there is something about getting support from other women that has that extra power.

My dad and stepmom are sweet. That's true. They are just very conservative old school people. We actually agree on very little in life at large- they're right-leaning folks with a photo of Ronald Reagan up in their den (and before you ask, no that's no joke. I wish it was). And we're Obama loving folks who do yoga. You get the idea.

Maybe some information would be good. My dad used to tease us for being strict about not eating non-organic dairy, but after he read Michael Polan's books and saw Food, INC he changed his tune real fast. I'll see if I can dig up some studies. If I want him to accept my choice, which I admit I kind of do, I need to show him I'm not doing this on a whim, and that I've researched it. I'll see if our midwife would be willing to talk to him to, to answer questions. Also, to answer another question here, I live in Madison, WI and HBs are very common here.

I agree about FSBC/homebirth. I started another thread here a while back asking about differences, and you're right- there are none except that you drive to the FSBC. Seeing as its much further from the hospital than our house, I suppose one could argue our place is even safer.

I loved the comment about money coming and going, but this birth being a one-time shot. So true. I really am commited to getting it right.

Mamas, as always, all of you are amazing and have the most wonderful advice. Thank you so very much for your wise words.

[smeep]

Glad we could help you solidify your feelings, mama! Please let us know how it goes. I tend to hear a lot about family members who were kind of on the fence about mama homebirthing but then they totally accepted it when they met the midwife/saw the birth/saw the baby/saw pictures, whatever. It seems that it's usually only the completely crazy refusal-to-see-anything-but-what-I-want-to-see family members that continue to be UAVs after the fact.

[allisonrose]

To address the premature issue, I believe most midwives have a requirement that you must be at least xx weeks along to homebirth. I believe my midwife said 36 weeks although she had one 35 weeker with a mom who had a history of short pregnancies.

Way to go for standing up for the birth you want. I backed down and did a hospital birth with my first, in part due to financial/insurance coverage issues. I regretted it.

[Partaria]

Hi all!

So I spoke to my Dad about all this last night. It uh, yeah. Didn't go so hot. He busted out the you're-being-selfish chestnut. He said I'm not thinking of the baby's safety, but only my "irrational fear of hospitals."

*sigh.

I see where he's coming from. He told me the story of my oldest brother's birth. But let's observe the details:

Mom labored for 24 hours and the birth was not progressing. Her dilation wasn't increasing. So, they decided to rupture the membrane. Which as we know, can cause the baby's head to get "stuck" in the pelvis. This is indeed what happened.

So next they gave her pitocin. Which we know can cause fetal cardiac distress. Surprise surprise, it did.

So they elected to do a c-section. Which can lead to hemorrhaging. Which it DID.

My father sees this as a story in which hospital care saved my mom and his firstborn. He said to me, "so you see, these complications can really snowball on you." I told him that I did not see it that way at all. That this could also be viewed as a story in which unnecessary medical interventions snowballed into a woman bleeding out and a baby being in cardiac distress.

Later my mother was diagnosed with CPD (cephalopelvic disproportion) which basically means, the baby was too large for the pelvis. My father believes that this means I will also not be able to naturally birth a baby.

Further research on my part into this shows that in many cases CPD is a catch-all diagnosis given to women who aren't progressing in labor. And that rupturing membranes can actually CAUSE CPD, since the baby loses the fluid sac around its head that eases it through the pelvis (see The Birth Partner by Penny Simkin).

The American College of Midwives also says that in a true and accurate (not catch-all) diagnosis of CPD, there is no reason to believe it will affect future pregnancies, nor is it a hereditary condition.

Despite my Dad trying to scare me, I just don't buy that I'm going to have some huge problem at home unless my midwife identifies one going into it. And I absolutely trust a midwife's skill to do that. It's not in her interest to make me have a homebirth if it's not safe either!

I mean for heaven's sake, my mom also wasn't allowed to eat or drink, nor was she allowed to change positions. I'm sure straining on your back for 24 hours with NO refreshment for your calorie burning body really would make a birth hell.

I truly believe that home is where it's safest. Hospitals for birthing women haven't been proven to be safer environments. I wish I could get him to see that I do have the health of me and the baby at heart. I just disagree with my father on what healthiest is. For heaven's sake, he even said that a hospital is safer because it's cleaner. And I just thought- with someone insisting on checking out my cervix every 10 minutes NO, it is not cleaner and safer. A hospital presents me with a higher risk of infection!

I sent him all the studies about homebirth I could find. I don't think they're making a dent at all. But it's time to accept that he won't budge on this one. DH is behind me 110% percent, and that's what counts.

I mean my Dad keeps saying that I need to be more flexible and to compromise, but I just keep thinking, 'this isn't a birthday party that I can't have at my favorite restaurant or something. this is my first baby's birth. i only get ONE shot at this.'

I'm sure I will keep coming back here to read stories of happy homebirths and to get encouragement from all you wonderful mamas. I'm sorry that my Dad can't accept my choice. I would really like him to because we are close, and it is hard when we are in conflict.

But I suppose in the end, I don't need him to accept this. I'm having this baby at home and there is very little he can do to stop that. He cares, but he's just not willing to hear another view point.

I tried, that's all I can do. Now it's time to trust my instincts and start looking at fishy pools.

Much love to all you wonderful women.

xoxo

[AZgirl2207]

It sounds like you have done your due diligence and it's time for 'respectful disagreement.' Congrats on your decision to homebirth.

[Partaria]

Thanks AZgirl. Unfortunately my Dad upped the stakes today and flat out told me I'm being stupid. *sigh...

I wonder what's worse for a pregnant mama. Homebirth or relatives stressing her out about her not being the right kind of mom already.

[laohaire]

Food Inc swayed him? Time to get out Business of Being Born, girl! I've never seen it myself, but I keep hearing stories about how it convinced some fairly hard cases out there.

To be clear, I don't think you need to convince him - this is your choice. But sounds like watching this with him might be worth the effort.

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by Partaria

Thanks AZgirl. Unfortunately my Dad upped the stakes today and flat out told me I'm being stupid. *sigh...

I wonder what's worse for a pregnant mama. Homebirth or relatives stressing her out about her not being the right kind of mom already.

Relatives stressing you out. I've never understood why so many people think that putting constant pressure on a pregnant woman is in her (or the baby's) best interest.

Honestly, I think I'd say something along the lines of, "Dad, I know you want what's best for me and the baby, but being hassles isn't it. When you've done some real research, instead of just repeating what the doctors told you about mom, I don't want to hear it".

The doctors are not a neutral party, and they do have a stake in medicalized birth. I, personally, hate the obstetrical industry with a passion, but even aside from that...the information one gets from them - prenatally or post-partum - is hardly coming from a disinterested party, yk? If they had to do a c-section on your mom (probably before c-sections were considered the "best way to birth" by so many people), they were hardly going to say "it only happened because we didn't let her stand up or eat" (providing they even realized that themselves, which they probably didn't), are they?

[MegBoz]

Originally Posted by laohaire

Food Inc swayed him? Time to get out Business of Being Born, girl! I've never seen it myself, but I keep hearing stories about how it convinced some fairly hard cases out there.

Agreed. I'd also recommend the book, "Born in the USA" by Dr. Marsdan Wagner. The fact that the former WHO head of maternal & child health - also an OB - not only recommends HB, but lambastes the entire profession of American obstetrics is, I think, a very strong recommendation for HB!! & he has the credibility of being an MD! Helpful for the skeptical, I think.

You could also just lie. It sounds awful, but you really don't need the stress. It's a personal decision between you & your DH where to birth. You don't need their 'approval' but you also don't need the stress of the arguments.

The other benefit of lying is that if you do transfer, they are none the wiser. Whereas if they continue to oppose HB & you move forward with it anyway, if you transfer, you may be met with, "I told you so! Oh thank god you transferred! Oh what would have happened if you stayed home! The baby could have died! [I can't believe you even tried to stay home in the first place!]"

Um, yeah, I don't need that. That's why DH & I aren't telling until after the fact.

[BtotheG]

Originally Posted by MegBoz

You could also just lie. It sounds awful, but you really don't need the stress. It's a personal decision between you & your DH where to birth. You don't need their 'approval' but you also don't need the stress of the arguments.

The other benefit of lying is that if you do transfer, they are none the wiser. Whereas if they continue to oppose HB & you move forward with it anyway, if you transfer, you may be met with, "I told you so! Oh thank god you transferred! Oh what would have happened if you stayed home! The baby could have died! [I can't believe you even tried to stay home in the first place!]"

Um, yeah, I don't need that. That's why DH & I aren't telling until after the fact.

This is slightly off topic, but I made sure that family and friends knew that a transfer plan was *part of* planning homebirth. I told them over and over that most births go smoothly, and that my midwife was prepared to handle many complications that might come up, but if there was something that could only be handled at a hospital, we would transfer according to our plan.

Basically, I believe that a transfer is NOT a sign that the homebirth "failed," but rather a sign that it went right. And I made sure everyone else understood that. Of course, almost all my friends and family were already cautiously supportive of my homebirth plans.

[HopefullyMama]

The Business of Being Born

I'd also like to make suggestion. If he was swayed by Food Inc (which was a wonderful and well-informed film), then you should really have him watch "The Business of Being Born". It actually reminds me of Food Inc., but with Birth!!

My mom is the same way. She's very sweet and well-meaning and very smart....but she was a L&D nurse back in the day, and is just stuck in the "doctors know what is best for you", medical-mindset. I had my mom watch "Business" with me this weekend, and really her tune was changed very quickly. She didn't come out and say "oh yeah you should have a homebirth", butttttt she really saw where I was coming from and related to the film in a way that I was (pleasantly) surprised with. Her biggest fear now is that I find a homebirth midwife that has enough experience to know when to transfer, which is a huge improvement over the "you're going to kill your baby for selfish reasons" fear

Hope this helps! And good luck, this sounds like a tricky situation.

[Partaria]

Thanks everyone. I think we're going to lie. That seems like the best option.

I sent my Dad a list of journal articles on homebirth to read as well as a link to where he can rent The Business of Being born online (from the film's website). He told me that he wasn't going to watch it or read any of the articles because he is too busy and it's "'too much information to absorb." He also said he felt that from watching the a clip or two, that the Business of Being Born had "too much nudity." What?!

But he did add that articles like that were probably not written by intelligent credentialed medical people anyway. The articles he won't even read.

So basically his stance is, "I am ignorant about homebirth. I refuse to educate myself. But I stand by my admittedly ignorant opinion and will try to force it on you."

I'm disappointed beyond words. He's never been this narrow minded before. It really sucks. But, I can't change his mind even though I have tried to help him see it from my point of view. I'm going to lie to him and tell him we're having the baby at the hospital even though we aren't. If that lie buys me some reduced stress, then it's totally worth it.

It's weird, mamas. Living in a "hippy-dippy" progressive town makes me forget how narrow minded the rest of the world can be sometimes. I totally didn't expect this level of resistance. Thank god for pockets of "weird" like Madison, WI and mothering.com.

[Lady Lilya]

I didn't care for The Business of Being Born anyway. I don't think it is organized in a way that is persuasive to anyone who isn't already in the choir.