Ignorant But Well-Meaning Family - Page 2

[pearl2]

Well, since he's refusing to read or watch, and he's already called you several names/put his opinion out there, I'd say this to his face:

So basically his stance is, "I am ignorant about homebirth. I refuse to educate myself. But I stand by my admittedly ignorant opinion and will try to force it on you."

And then I would just change the subject every single time he brought it up and refuse to speak about it. Do what's best for your family!

[AFWife]

I agree to totally refuse to talk about it with your dad. You tried and he refused to even TRY to see it any other way. It's not your fault.

[Partaria]

Thanks for the support! This was DH's recommendation as well, and I'm taking it to heart. I've told my Dad that the subject is now closed and that if he brings it up again, I'm going to gently hang up the phone.

[passthemanna]

I know you said the subject is closed, but what if your dad were to actually meet your midwife? I know my husband was not on board with a HB until he actually met a midwife and got to ask questions. Your dad can have all of his concerns addressed in person by an expert and it may change his mind or at least convince him that you aren't being "selfish," or "stupid."

[Partaria]

It's not a bad idea, having my Dad meet the midwife. But I just kind of hate to expose a kind unsuspecting MW to my Dad's prejudice. :\

We'll see...if I feel like it would help I might suggest it to him. It's just that he wasn't even willing to read a flippin' article, so I'm thinking he'd just write off talking to a MW. But we can see. You know, now that you've suggested this...I might actually see if my MD would talk to him. I told her I was going to go for an out-of-pocket homebirth and she was like, "that's cool! Go for it!"

[smeep]

Originally Posted by Partaria

So basically his stance is, "I am ignorant about homebirth. I refuse to educate myself. But I stand by my admittedly ignorant opinion and will try to force it on you."

I would be so tempted to send him EXACTLY that (only reword the first part to say, "So basically your stance is." Luckily for me my mom had homebirths so my dad is completely supportive. Hopefully your dad will come around, but in the end you need to do what's best for you and your child regardless of what someone else thinks.

[peainthepod]

Originally Posted by Partaria

Thanks for the support! This was DH's recommendation as well, and I'm taking it to heart. I've told my Dad that the subject is now closed and that if he brings it up again, I'm going to gently hang up the phone.

I think this is the best approach, mama. You don't need your father's permission to have your baby at home. It would be nice if he approved, but in the end it's really none of his business where you have your babies, whether it's at home with a midwife or in a hospital with an OB or even outside alone under the stars. Your body, your baby, your birth--period.

Also, it sounds like this will be a good opportunity to establish some gentle boundaries with your dad. Since he doesn't get a vote--and you've very bravely and kindly made that clear!--there's no reason to discuss it with him if he can't be civil and open-minded. Or even if he can, but you don't want to talk about it anymore. You have that right.

In the end, though, I found that the best way to silence the anti-homebirth naysayers was to have a peaceful, safe homebirth of my own. You can't really argue with results...

Good luck and congratulations on your pregnancy!

[MittensKittens]

I am sorry that your father is being unsupportive, and feels the need to criticize your choices so loudly without being willing to do the proper research. Why not say that you are still considering your choices at this point, and then change the subject every time he brings it up?

Of course you don't need the permission of anyone (except possibly your husband!), but it does help when those you care about support you. When that is not possible, not discussing the subject at all might be best.

[Climbergirl]

My MIL was a L&D nurse, and I am planning a HBAC, so you could imagine what I heard! Being selfish was the nice one

I honestly do not bring it up. I send my family info on my OB appointments and just leave her out. She will probably figure it out, but if you can't be supportive, you will get to miss out. That is her choice.

Once I decided to not talk about it, it honestly has not really come up. She asks if I am seeing the same doctor and I say yes. Doctor, CNM, whatever. She will be upset when she finds out it was a lovely HBAC, but DH knows that is when he will step in and I don't have to discuss it.

So, it may end up being easier than you think. I think us getting ultrasounds and sending those pics out made them think we were with an OB practice. Because you know, midwives can't do that. Blah.

Good luck and I hope they stop stressing you!

[Kitten]

I didn't have time to read al the responses, but was the question whether to take money from your father when he's trying to use that money as a bribe? I'd refuse the money. Money with strings attached, or even expectations attached, is a "present" to avoid at all costs. My toxic ILs are always trying to use money and presents as bribes and threats to get what they want. We've learned to just say "no thanks" no matter how tempting it may be.