I want to cry--am I right?

[GranoLLLy-girl]

So xh has moved out. We lived in a large house that we will now have to sell. I'm trying to figure out how I will get the kids to two different schools (public schools) and make ends meet on what limited income I will have.
It's VERY hard because I feel like at age 45--things are not what they could have been if I went through this at age 35.
Maybe I feel sorry for myself now and then, but I'm underemployed because I stayed home for almost a decade, while most of my friends are looking at retirement.
I'm tired. I work like a dog. Then I come home and raise two kids alone.

So my mom and dad went to Myrtle Beach for a week. So I call her today and ask her how it went. She tells me that they bought a condo.
WHAT?
I can barely makes ends meet but my parents ALREADY live in a million dollar home on the water with boats and toys and all this stuff.
And now they own a SECOND home (although this one is a condo, not a million dollar home) on another beach.

Seriously?

Intellectually I understand: I am a grown up. I should not ask my parents for money. I should not expect them to help me or the grandkids at this point in my life.
BUT--
this whole divorce blindsided me. I am underemployed and can't figure out how to make ends meet and keep at least my kids' college funds going or how to pay for my dd's violin lessons.
We always lived frugally when we were married. But we did have a nice home. Emotionally, I just want my parents to say: we won't let the grandkids live on the street--or in a low socio-economic neighborhood where they will go to poor schools. We'll at least lend you the downpayment for a condo here. That's what I want to hear. Not: gee, sorry for your luck--guess what we bought?

Now I will have nothing. I live in a very expensive area where my kids will have to go to a "poorer" school.
I just can't believe my parents wouldn't help me but buy a condo.
I just can't believe how screwed up my life is and how screwed the world seems to be.
Why?

[NolaRiordan]

Oh, I'm sorry. That's really a punch in the gut. I would certainly be really hurt if I were you.

Have you asked them to help you out? My mother lent me the money for the down payment on my house while I was waiting for the divorce settlement. That was SO helpful and allowed me to be able to move ASAP and get the kids settled in. Otherwise I would have likely had to move to an apartment first and then to the house. Can you ask them to lend you some money until the house sells and you get your half?

[haydn'smommy]

oh gosh, honey, i'm so sorry.
i agree with pp, have you asked them for help? i know my parents didn't offer to help until i told them that i needed it.

[Minxie]

Gently because I understand you're tired and hurt and frustrated:

Your parents are living their life and they have already raised their children. While it would be nice of them to offer to help you, they do not have an obligation to do so. If you all were seriously in danger of being homeless, they would probably offer to help (so long as they knew about it.)

Your biggest concern, as displayed in your post, seems to be that your children might possibly have to live and attend school in a poor neighborhood. You're not worried about food and shelter; you're concerned about violin lessons and college funds which, while nice to have, are still luxuries.

[Everrgreen]

That really really sucks. You have a right to feel upset. I agree that maybe you need to ask, let them know how you're struggling. Do they know the type of places you're looking at to live? Do they understand your situation? They may just have not really thought about the reality of what your divorce means for you financially.

[meemee]

hey could they have bought the condo for you guys? and will reveal in time?

i am so sorry mama. that really must hurt. no matter what is right intell. it really hurts....

[COVegMom]

I was recently hurt by a similar situation with my family. I get that I am an adult and made my decisions and blah blah blah, but still... when things fall apart for reasons that are out of your control, it would be nice to know that parents who could help out would help out.

Hugs to you.

[GranoLLLy-girl]

Originally Posted by Minxie

Gently because I understand you're tired and hurt and frustrated:

Your parents are living their life and they have already raised their children. While it would be nice of them to offer to help you, they do not have an obligation to do so. If you all were seriously in danger of being homeless, they would probably offer to help (so long as they knew about it.)

Your biggest concern, as displayed in your post, seems to be that your children might possibly have to live and attend school in a poor neighborhood. You're not worried about food and shelter; you're concerned about violin lessons and college funds which, while nice to have, are still luxuries.

And you are right. They did raise their kids and lived their lives. But guess where all of their money came from? My grandmother. Guess who paid for MY college education? My grandmother. My mom never worked a day (a SINGLE DAY) in her life. Her version of raising me was: go start the washing machine, I don't want to miss my soap. She never even attended my college graduation (that my grandmother paid for).
My mother NEVER did a thing for me. So while food and shelter are nice--my daughter is an ACTUAL prodigy. She plays the violin with the symphony.
I'm not kidding.
I am a teacher in a low-socio-economic neighborhood.
The teachers spend more time getting the kids under control than they do teaching.
My daughter goes to the only gifted magnet school (public) in the area and it's considered one of the best in state.
I believe in the power of education.
If she can go to college on a violin scholarship (and again, she's 8 and playing with an adult symphony) then I would be stupid to take her future away from her.

You are right--my parents have no obligations. But the problem for me is tha they have acted all along like they never had any obligations to me.
My grandmother practically raised me financially--and that she was willing to help me with college made all the difference in who I became (despite what I am going through now). I want to be more like my grandmother than my mother in my decisions to raise my children.
And I want to empower my kids and foster their gifts. Even if I have work ten jobs to do it.

I just wish my mother woudn't rub her crappy parenting in my face after all of these years.
But again, you are right--they have no obligations. But they have acted like they never had any. I'm not going to send that message to my kids. Even I do have to live in my car (which, by the way, WOULD actually KEEP my kids in their schools).

So while food and shelter are the immediate goal--I still have to think of the future for the kids. And gently, I totally disgaree that college is a luxury. I look at the differences in the potential for future earning for people with and without a college education and the difference is staggering.
I have an obligation (that my mother never seemed to feel) to my kids to empower them with all that I can to send them into the world with the tools to be successful as adults--that's why I waited until I was in my late 30s to have kids--because I wanted to make sure that the values that they received were mine and not the ideas that my mom had--which was: too bad, you are on your own.
That's always been her attitude--this condo thing is just one more example.
And that's why it hurts. It's just one more slap in the face in a lifetime of rejections.
But good grief, could the timing be any more painful and horrible?

Couldn't she at least wait to do this when I was stable ANYWHERE without their help? She should be at least a little more sensitive to what I am going through--I don't even want their money---I just am sick of her throwing her good fortune in my face when I'm also being kicked in my face by my x.

I plan to keep my kids' goals as future ones--and I'll make good schools and educational opportunities the number one goal. Even if I have to live in my car--I won't do to them what was done to me. Husband or no husband.

[~Charlie's~Angel~]

In short, and in my opinion, yes, you are right.

Thats actually kinda cruel of your mom, given the background of the dynamic in your relationship with her.

And for the violin comment, before knowing the extent of what the violin means to your daughter, I could still understand your point of view. Its not your daughters fault your x decided to pull the rug out from under ALL of you. Its also not your daughters fault that your mother puts her own wants and desires before everyone elses. Why should she have the one thing that is so important away from her for everyone else being so selfish? I can't immagine my mother doing ANYTHING for herself before me and my kids (and for the record, I totally get that is MY mother, not all granparents are like that)

Im sorry, the whole thing sucks and you have my complete and utter sympathy.

FWIW, your kids are totally lucky and blessed to have a mother in you. They will never have to feel less important then they are in your eyes. Props to you mama.

[Oh the Irony]

Originally Posted by GranoLLLy-girl

My mother NEVER did a thing for me.

Why expect something different? She has shown you who she is. She's NOT thinking about you. She likely never will. I don't think she was trying to rub your nose in the condo (that yes, she had every right to buy) because she wasn't thinking of you. I have found that releasing expectations of people like this is very good for my mental health.

I can't tell from your post if you have asked directly for assistance. Have you? Or do you want her to read your mind? Will you get something out of the house when it sells? What about CS and spousal support?

I wouldn't call college a luxury but I would call a college fund a luxury.

I'm sorry. I wish you had kind and supportive parents.

[doubledutch]

have you talked to your parents and asked them for help? have you assessed your situation and options so that you can clearly identify what your needs are?

my mom used to constantly offer to babysit for my brother but not for me. for the first couple years of my son's life it didn't matter. i worked full time and was breastfeeding so there was no way i wanted to send him to grandma's during my precious few hours with him. then we had another baby and really needed help with childcare because with an infant and a toddler and a useless husband, i could never get anything done around the house. i freaked out on my mom, crying, thinking she didn't care about what i was going through - but she just didn't know! imo you have to ask.

[GranoLLLy-girl]

Thanks for the kind thoughts.
I really appreciate the comment that I am a decent mom--thanks for that.
You are right regarding that I should not have expectations from my mom--and that is why I didn't expect them to help me with surviving this--but for them to buy a condo is just (for me) so painful.
Did you ever read the book PEOPLE OF THE LIE? (It's a self-help book)
There is a story in there how the parents of this boy who killed himself with a gun, gave the SAME gun to their other son for Christmas. And their excuse was: why not? It's a nice gun. It's going to waste sitting in the closet. As if they never even thought that deeply about it at all.
The message that they were sending their live son was: go ahead and shoot yourself, too, like your brother did. That's how little we love you.
And the author says that people--either on purpose or "accident"--send out messages that they really should be more cognizant of--and that they can lie to themselves about the reasons that they are doing what they are doing--but that the injuries that they are inflicting on others are still real.


I have distanced myself from my mom over the years. I KNEW that she would never babysit my kids (and she hasn't--even in emergency room situations). I KNEW that she was not a good mom and never would be. And I figured at this point in my life there wasn't one more thing that she could do--either on purpose or inadvertently--that could injure me. But buying a condo--seriously? There has got to be some kind of repressed something going on in her head. It hurts no matter how much I try to disconnect.
They have never even talked about buying more real estate--and now suddenly I'm losing my home and life as we knew it--and they suddenly out of the blue buy a condo??
There has got to be some passive-aggressive agenda. The coincidences are just too great. Even if that's not the case--it's just one more reminder of my mom turning her back on me--and it does hurt.

But anyway, I'll pick myself up off the floor, dust myself off, and get back to slogging through hell, as I have done since I can remember.
But I'm be darned if I am going to let my kids go through anything like this. I'll sell my soul to Satan before I do that.

Anyway--thanks for listening. I'm starting to think if I can find a two bedroom apartment--each kid could have a bedroom and I can sleep on a couch. I want to keep them in their schools--especially dd, since her elementary school houses the orchestra. I might try to pick up work at church or something, too.


Who knows. Right now--one day at a time.

[Avani]

My point of view is that it is their money, no matter where it came from, and it is their choice what they do with it. They have no financial obligation to you. If you want help and they are millionaires then ask them. Just because you would do things differently it doesn't me you should be expecting that from them.You are wasting your energy on jealousy and resentment. Your college education was paid for and that is more then so many people ever get in life. My brother is very wealthy living in a home way too huge for his family needs. They take several vacations a year, have two new cars, college funds for the kids. I live under the poverty level with a car about to die. Does that mean i'm going to spend my life feeling jealous and angry? Should i expect him to be helping me out because that is family money and i didn't get any? No. I need to live the life i have created and be thankful and grateful for all that i do have. I have lived in shelters and been homeless after my own divorce. No one in my family helped me and yes i asked. I am a much stronger person having to endure what i did and i made it through the tough times alone with the children. You need to rebuild your life and you get the chance to start fresh. It is scary and very difficult but maybe it could be a life changing adventure for you and your kids.

[txbikegrrl]

You are right if you are homeless your kids get to stay in there school all year no matter where you end up. Federal law. Of course it doesn't solve anything longer term. But as long as your daughter qualifies for the magnet she will be able to go right? Or might you have to move out of district?

I think the kids could share a room. At least for awhile. And mYbe write a nonjudgmental (?!?) letter to mom explaining what you did above and ask her to think about sharing news of new purchases next time to people who are struggling. Seriously I'd say something line it's nice you have a new vacation home but hard for me to hear about it when we are struggling to afford a small apartment. Sorry for the pain.

As an aside maybe not worry about college funds right now. Your daughter may get a scholarship anyway and there are always loans. Yes it sucks to have that debt but I'm surviving and know my mom had to pay off debts really my dad ran up before leaving and I know she did all she could for us. Also things will likel improve over time...

[papayapetunia]

And that's why it hurts. It's just one more slap in the face in a lifetime of rejections.

You know, after having gone through my H's affair and nearly getting a divorce over it (he left me for a while), I truly believe that there was an opportunity in there for me to heal the pain I held from the past. I was not one of those people who found out about the affair and said, "F him, I'm out of here!" I was devastated. The rejection and abandonment issues that had been suppressed for a long time all bubbled to the surface. I was a complete mess. Somehow during that time, I was able to see that I had an opportunity to work on some of my issues. It was easy to forget about my issues before the affair. My self-worth was wrapped up in my H, in my family, in a lot of other things, but not just purely in myself.

I wonder if that's what's going on for you. I wonder if whatever has happened between you and STBX has pulled the rug out from under you and now you're faced with old issues and feelings that you didn't have to think about for a long time. Trust me, I understand family-of-origin issues. I believe you that they're how you say they are. But at some point in our adult lives, we have to accept who our parents are. We can't be angry anymore. We can't blame them for our situation. We can't expect them to be people that they aren't.

You know, my main issues come from my biological father abandoning me after my mother died. (I was adopted by my now-parents after that.) But I also have issues with my parents. I felt rejected by them a lot. I always felt that they favored my brothers over me. The most irritating thing happened recently. My grandmother had this ring that she had made out of a sterling silver button. It's not worth much, other than the diamond, but it's so totally unique that I wanted it to be mine. My mom always told me that I couldn't have it, because she had to work out with her sisters who got what of my grandmother's. Well, I just found out that my mom gave the ring to my brother to propose to his now-fiance. (She hates the ring, btw.) It hurt, but I was able to get over it pretty quickly. I accept that my mom favors my brother and it doesn't affect my self-image anymore.

I really think you have an opportunity here to move past all of this. Are you in counseling?

[Minxie]

Have you considered coabode.org? It's a website connecting single moms for co-housing. There might be someone in that area who could help you.

[GranoLLLy-girl]

Originally Posted by papayapetunia

You know, after having gone through my H's affair and nearly getting a divorce over it (he left me for a while), I truly believe that there was an opportunity in there for me to heal the pain I held from the past. I was not one of those people who found out about the affair and said, "F him, I'm out of here!" I was devastated. The rejection and abandonment issues that had been suppressed for a long time all bubbled to the surface. I was a complete mess. Somehow during that time, I was able to see that I had an opportunity to work on some of my issues. It was easy to forget about my issues before the affair. My self-worth was wrapped up in my H, in my family, in a lot of other things, but not just purely in myself.

I wonder if that's what's going on for you. I wonder if whatever has happened between you and STBX has pulled the rug out from under you and now you're faced with old issues and feelings that you didn't have to think about for a long time. Trust me, I understand family-of-origin issues. I believe you that they're how you say they are. But at some point in our adult lives, we have to accept who our parents are. We can't be angry anymore. We can't blame them for our situation. We can't expect them to be people that they aren't.

You know, my main issues come from my biological father abandoning me after my mother died. (I was adopted by my now-parents after that.) But I also have issues with my parents. I felt rejected by them a lot. I always felt that they favored my brothers over me. The most irritating thing happened recently. My grandmother had this ring that she had made out of a sterling silver button. It's not worth much, other than the diamond, but it's so totally unique that I wanted it to be mine. My mom always told me that I couldn't have it, because she had to work out with her sisters who got what of my grandmother's. Well, I just found out that my mom gave the ring to my brother to propose to his now-fiance. (She hates the ring, btw.) It hurt, but I was able to get over it pretty quickly. I accept that my mom favors my brother and it doesn't affect my self-image anymore.

I really think you have an opportunity here to move past all of this. Are you in counseling?

I know I'll move past it quickly--it's just like: why are telling me this?
Ya know?
I have no plans at all to ask them for anything. That would just give them a reason to disappoint me.
Worse than me, I hurt for their lack of empathy for the kids. Whereas most people would be like: Oh my gosh! Your poor kids! What are you going to do?
My mom is like: oh well. Deal with it.

I'm just so glad that I am smart enough not to ever ask her for anything. No need to add fuel to the fire.

[GranoLLLy-girl]

Originally Posted by Minxie

Have you considered coabode.org? It's a website connecting single moms for co-housing. There might be someone in that area who could help you.

This is interesting--I'm going to check it out. I've never heard of it.
thanks!

[AnalogWife]

I love how people tell you how your mother has every right to buy her own condo, as if you don't know that. I've been hammered before for saying this, but my DH has pretty much taught me that the baby boomer generation (not sure if your mom was baby boomer, I'm jussayin') tends to be very selfish. Like you said, your grandparents provided for your mom, yet she was too selfish to provide for you. My blue collar-working grandfather died with property and $$$ to give to his family, my dad took his share and today has nothing but a house with 28 years left on the mortgage. Thanks, Dad. I think you are entitled to feel whatever hurt you are feeling---I personally would never humiliate myself to ask someone like that for financial assistance. DH and I would sooner throw ourselves under the next Greyhound bus than have DS suffer while we lived a cushy life, that is what parents and grandparents DO.

[butterfly1976]

I've been in that kind of situation and I know it hurts. I started working at 14 and was helping support my folks at 16, and did it even in my 20s. My dad helped me somewhat the last few years of his life. Now my mom........that's another story. Even after my dad died and I went out of my way to help her, she never lifted a finger for me or my kids. She seemed to always expect us to help her. It got old after awhile. I had to put my foot down and get nasty about it.

I was getting frustrated yet again, that my mom didn't seem to care about the hell I was going through. It's your mom. She's suppose to care, right? I've learned through many hard lessons that some parents just don't care. I don't know if it comes to a lack of sensitivity chip or what.

I have 2 kids that I've raised on my own for 10 years now. I know I'm a very different kind of mother than she ever was. She wonders why I don't care to be with her that often. Pay backs can be hell sometimes. I would never act so uncaring towards my kids the way my folks had done me.

It sucks and it does hurt, but life does go on. I'm sorry about what you're going though. I truly do hope everything gets better for you and your kids.