Oh my! Thank you, everyone, for reading and commenting. The advice and suggestions are wonderful, and I'm trying to organize a list out of it (like HappyMommy2 suggested), so even if I clam up, I can at least grunt at her and hand her a sheet of paper with coherent thoughts on it.
@Coraljean: I think a basic format for the visits would be helpful. This was the first time she's done anything involving touch, and I didn't know it was coming. As for the goo...it was part the feel, part the fact that I did
manage to say I didn't want it, and she went ahead and did it anyway.
@HappyMommy2: Oh what to do with the assistant. On the one hand, you're probably right: it was a snowball of crap that day, and she was added into the mix at a bad time. On the other hand, I'm wondering what kind of doula/assistant she will be, if she wasn't picking up on the tension in the room and asking questions about it. She was extremely passive. Plus, it's a trust issue. I gave a lot of intensely personal info to my midwife, and I'm not sure how the MW is using or sharing it. I didn't realize/think that it would be shared with the assistant, because until yesterday I had NEVER seen her. I felt a big power imbalance in the room, not knowing how much the assistant knew, didn't know, or would say.
@Banana: You're completely right; he really WAS just saying what he thought. Duh for me, that WAS exactly what I asked him!
He has absolutely no problem with doctors and medicine, and I know that the homebirth is 100% for my benefit - he could handle it in a hospital just as well. I didn't have a fair expectation of him, and I apologized. In my head, it was along the lines of, "You can see something's wrong - say something!" And he did - he just said what he thought was normal for the situation, not necessarily normal for me. Can't win them all - but we're working on what to do or say to indicate that he needs to step in for me.
Also, if you wouldn't mind sharing your list of MW's with me, I'd be forever grateful. I've found a few in the area I'm in, but it sounds like you have much better resources than I do. I picked this midwife because she said she was able to work with clients who had trauma - I'm hoping that I'm not outside the range of what she's able to work with. You're right about your assessment of how she's communicating with me at this point. I'm betting that she's not seeing my locking-up as dissociation or caving just to "get it over with" - she's probably seeing it as, "She didn't say she had a problem with it, so it must be okay." Which is on me to fix, NOT on her.
As for UC - you hit the nail on the head.
I'd love to just wander off and deal with me, myself, and I. However, DP is against the idea, due to the "What if something goes wrong?" factor. Out of respect to him and the fact he's respecting my need for minimal intervention, I'm not pushing the UC issue.
MidwifeErika: Therapy is part of what I'm doing in order to help me get my head on right. I know I have to be 100% comfortable with my MW for this to work, and I have a finite amount of time to get comfortable with her, because the baby will get here whether or not my head's in the right space.
MamaBadger, Laohaire, Weliveintheforest: You're right; if something is normal for her but awful for me, I have to have a way to say that. I'm just tremendously worried about offending her, or dealing with trying to phrase "No" in 50 different ways if she chooses to pursue the issue. It's irrational for me to think that NO means the issue is off the table entirely and forever...she's going to have to touch me at some point, I assume. Otherwise it's UC with a third party on a different floor of the house? I just don't want to be pushed from NO to "okay" so quickly, and I felt pushed. I think I'd be able to talk about the issue at hand with DP, but - kicking everyone out of the room is just a big flag saying "Okay, professional-lady. You just went too far!" I feel rude doing that. She IS the professional, I know she knows what she's doing. It just feels wrong at times.
As to the hypothetical shoulder dystocia question - right now, no. I'd be doing the reaching myself. I lost a lot of trust in her based on how the interaction was handled. I will probably feel differently the closer I get to delivery, but who knows. I don't really have a backup plan in my head for "what to do with her when she needs to do stuff with me." I'm glad you brought it up, though. I need to consider things like that. Given that this is a first child - what other situations could you suggest I consider or review?
Sijae: If I could reach through the screen and hug you, I would.
I wish I was able to say things as clearly as you laid them out. I oughta hire you!
Babyjelly:You're blessed to have her involved in your care. Without putting inappropriate personal info out there, my midwife has also stated she has "history" - and I felt that would make us a good match, because she understood what headspace that sort of thing can put you in. Maybe it was just an off day for her.
Jenne: The MW did say she wanted us to take at least one class - maybe the hypnobabies program is something I should look into. I need to figure out how to have an actual voice in this, and you wrote some phrases that I need to be able to learn to say and use.
Again, thank you all so much. And I apologize for my tardiness in responding; my work schedule has been insane.