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Boundaries and Communication: Me, MW, DP - Page 2

post #21 of 88
Oh, wow! I'm sorry you are having difficulty being heard. I think you have gotten some good suggestions regarding code words and definitely emailing your midwife. I would also suggest the hypnobabies childbirth curriculum. It has several really key components including "fear clearing" and a birth partner curriculum. Also it has affirmations including, "I can say "no thankyou" and be heard." This has really helped me. It may not be the birth preparation class for you but it may help you be more relaxed and in charge. I wish you the best in this difficult journey.

Jenne
post #22 of 88
Thread Starter 
Oh my! Thank you, everyone, for reading and commenting. The advice and suggestions are wonderful, and I'm trying to organize a list out of it (like HappyMommy2 suggested), so even if I clam up, I can at least grunt at her and hand her a sheet of paper with coherent thoughts on it.

@Coraljean: I think a basic format for the visits would be helpful. This was the first time she's done anything involving touch, and I didn't know it was coming. As for the goo...it was part the feel, part the fact that I did manage to say I didn't want it, and she went ahead and did it anyway.

@HappyMommy2: Oh what to do with the assistant. On the one hand, you're probably right: it was a snowball of crap that day, and she was added into the mix at a bad time. On the other hand, I'm wondering what kind of doula/assistant she will be, if she wasn't picking up on the tension in the room and asking questions about it. She was extremely passive. Plus, it's a trust issue. I gave a lot of intensely personal info to my midwife, and I'm not sure how the MW is using or sharing it. I didn't realize/think that it would be shared with the assistant, because until yesterday I had NEVER seen her. I felt a big power imbalance in the room, not knowing how much the assistant knew, didn't know, or would say.

@Banana: You're completely right; he really WAS just saying what he thought. Duh for me, that WAS exactly what I asked him! He has absolutely no problem with doctors and medicine, and I know that the homebirth is 100% for my benefit - he could handle it in a hospital just as well. I didn't have a fair expectation of him, and I apologized. In my head, it was along the lines of, "You can see something's wrong - say something!" And he did - he just said what he thought was normal for the situation, not necessarily normal for me. Can't win them all - but we're working on what to do or say to indicate that he needs to step in for me.

Also, if you wouldn't mind sharing your list of MW's with me, I'd be forever grateful. I've found a few in the area I'm in, but it sounds like you have much better resources than I do. I picked this midwife because she said she was able to work with clients who had trauma - I'm hoping that I'm not outside the range of what she's able to work with. You're right about your assessment of how she's communicating with me at this point. I'm betting that she's not seeing my locking-up as dissociation or caving just to "get it over with" - she's probably seeing it as, "She didn't say she had a problem with it, so it must be okay." Which is on me to fix, NOT on her.

As for UC - you hit the nail on the head. I'd love to just wander off and deal with me, myself, and I. However, DP is against the idea, due to the "What if something goes wrong?" factor. Out of respect to him and the fact he's respecting my need for minimal intervention, I'm not pushing the UC issue.

MidwifeErika: Therapy is part of what I'm doing in order to help me get my head on right. I know I have to be 100% comfortable with my MW for this to work, and I have a finite amount of time to get comfortable with her, because the baby will get here whether or not my head's in the right space.

MamaBadger, Laohaire, Weliveintheforest: You're right; if something is normal for her but awful for me, I have to have a way to say that. I'm just tremendously worried about offending her, or dealing with trying to phrase "No" in 50 different ways if she chooses to pursue the issue. It's irrational for me to think that NO means the issue is off the table entirely and forever...she's going to have to touch me at some point, I assume. Otherwise it's UC with a third party on a different floor of the house? I just don't want to be pushed from NO to "okay" so quickly, and I felt pushed. I think I'd be able to talk about the issue at hand with DP, but - kicking everyone out of the room is just a big flag saying "Okay, professional-lady. You just went too far!" I feel rude doing that. She IS the professional, I know she knows what she's doing. It just feels wrong at times.

As to the hypothetical shoulder dystocia question - right now, no. I'd be doing the reaching myself. I lost a lot of trust in her based on how the interaction was handled. I will probably feel differently the closer I get to delivery, but who knows. I don't really have a backup plan in my head for "what to do with her when she needs to do stuff with me." I'm glad you brought it up, though. I need to consider things like that. Given that this is a first child - what other situations could you suggest I consider or review?

Sijae: If I could reach through the screen and hug you, I would. I wish I was able to say things as clearly as you laid them out. I oughta hire you!

Babyjelly:You're blessed to have her involved in your care. Without putting inappropriate personal info out there, my midwife has also stated she has "history" - and I felt that would make us a good match, because she understood what headspace that sort of thing can put you in. Maybe it was just an off day for her.

Jenne: The MW did say she wanted us to take at least one class - maybe the hypnobabies program is something I should look into. I need to figure out how to have an actual voice in this, and you wrote some phrases that I need to be able to learn to say and use.

Again, thank you all so much. And I apologize for my tardiness in responding; my work schedule has been insane.
post #23 of 88
Squidmommy,
I realize that this is something that you've carried with you for a long time, and I want to acknowledge that.

While the midwife may have talked with your former GYN she may not fully grasp the depth of the situation. It's one thing to know it on paper, it's another to know it in practice and identify what is before your eyes.

To me the interaction could have been interpreted as you were unsure, she acknowledged that, and when you didn't resist it was taken as consent. While that doesn't make what transpired right, there is an opportunity for education and growth on everyones part here.

I'd email her, tell her what you told us here, in very vivid detail. Then the two of you need to come to an agreement on a sign/signal that you will be able to give her and she'll know that it's a "Stop, do not proceed, back out of my personal space and let me recover" moment. Eventually the hope would be you could transform this into saying no, meaning no, and reiterating NO if you are faced with this situation in the future.

It might also help to have your therapist work with you on this as well. You must learn to confront and over-power the frozen state, it know that's easier said than done, but perhaps with some added skills and patience this pregnancy and birth will help you overcome this struggle.

I wish you the very best.
post #24 of 88
Thread Starter 
April -

I agree, a lot was foggy in the interaction. Had she given me some indication that she wanted to do an exam during the meeting, I imagine it would have gone smoother than it did. The way it was presented didn't make it comfortable. It's probably SOP for her, and I know I didn't give her any indication otherwise.

However, I don't know how far I'm going to get in "unlearning" my being non-vocal in the next four or so months. I'm trying, I'm working on an email to the MW, I've got a therapist...I just don't want to set myself up for failure, either, by expecting myself to "get better" and then be disappointed (or worse) if things don't go how I want. I just wanted to be heard, and I thought there was a better chance of that happening with a MW. Hopefully we will make it work!
post #25 of 88
Quote:
Originally Posted by SquidMommy View Post
April -

I agree, a lot was foggy in the interaction. Had she given me some indication that she wanted to do an exam during the meeting, I imagine it would have gone smoother than it did. The way it was presented didn't make it comfortable. It's probably SOP for her, and I know I didn't give her any indication otherwise.

However, I don't know how far I'm going to get in "unlearning" my being non-vocal in the next four or so months. I'm trying, I'm working on an email to the MW, I've got a therapist...I just don't want to set myself up for failure, either, by expecting myself to "get better" and then be disappointed (or worse) if things don't go how I want. I just wanted to be heard, and I thought there was a better chance of that happening with a MW. Hopefully we will make it work!
I really think that starting with a signal is the best place to begin. Make it clear to your husband and the midwife that 1) it means STOP, and that 2) he is to say STOP when he sees that signal, no matter what his personal opinion is. Something as simple as the "time out" sign oft used in football.

I don't expect this to be resolved by the time you give birth, but ultimately you'll not only have to learn to speak up for yourself, but for your child as well in the long term.
post #26 of 88
April, thanks for your beautiful and concise rendering of those ideas! I was reading through this thread (seeing lots of good stuff, BTW, from OP and others), and having much the same thoughts--so glad you put that out there to Squidmommy as gently and clearly as you did.

Squidmommy...I agree with April. With the other pp's as well, for sure--yet the onus of this is on you, your own healing and engagement in this amazing thing we call pregnancy and birth. If you can articulate your needs somehow to the mw and DP, and also be as forgiving and humorous as possible for all being merely human, I think you can create/find care that will suit you.

As for UC...well, yeah, I could see that for you . Or some variation of UC that works for you and the DP both. For me, the UC idea means mostly our self-empowered self-management of our care--being THE decisionmaker even if you give others 'limited power' to choose, act, touch you, at certain times. Some mamas want supporters loving on them upclose with breath, touch, words; some want support and skilled assistance available, but kept at a little distance-- and only called upon at true need. And some mamas want The Whole UC, no care provider onhand at all. You get to choose what your birth should look like, in many ways--you get to choose how to serve your safe birth, and choose how much to empower others to help you and baby, wherever and however you finally give birth. That's the 'Spirit of UC' that speaks in some pp's comments about you and UC

The only thing I have to add is that IMO...you're going to have to get better at dealing with touch--even sometimes 'unplanned touch'. Your pregnancy or birth circumstances might truly warrant some touch, by your mw, your dp, possibly EMTs and others. That is the whole point of hiring a mw or med care, right? --because they are skilled in doing things with mother and baby's bodies, to make birth safer every once in awhile; it's a small chance for the healthy mom and baby, but it's why you want a care-provider at all. You might well grow, labor and birth a baby just fine without anyone touching you at all--or very little and only because you wanted it. Birth most often works just fine, women are well able to birth babies, the great majority of the time. Still you might want touch of various kinds at birth--your own and baby's safety might even be best served by the right kind of touch at the right time, by your mw or another.

So while you're planning ways around being touched...maybe you should also plan ways to get more comfortable with touch. I myself don't mind being very 'hands off' with those who prefer it--but there has got to be some trust in touch present between us, if I'm to be able to do the job you hired me for--KWIM? If you like this mw enough in other ways, then find out now if she is willing to be more hands-off, only touching you as situations truly warrant her skills--if so, then work it out with her. If you're just not sure of her anyway, then look into other mws and see if any of them might be a better fit for you.

Either way, make 'trusting touch more' part of your Whole Plan for Touch--just in case you will truly need to be touched as you birth. Just in case your being calm and receptive to touch is needed, when touch could correct a small problem or even save lives. 'Calm and Receptive-Enough', anyway!

You might see if you can find the 2 volume work "Pregnancy as Healing" by Lewis Mehl and Gail Peterson--which came out in the 1980s. This can be a healing time for you, if you want it to be
post #27 of 88
Thread Starter 
MsBlack, April -

For clarity, the only area of my life in which I become a puddle of drool is when it comes to issues of touch. Trust me, I'm the first person to speak up and get loud in every other area of being. There's just something about bodyspace that wrecks me.

I understand the onus is on me, but like April said - it's probably not going to be resolved by the time I give birth. I'm trying to come up with things I can do to get me moving in the right directions, because it's not all on my MW to "fix" everything. She's a baby-lady, not a crazy-person-doctor-lady. I can't dump it all in her lap and tell her to give me a miracle.

If the primary source of touch was going to be me, or DP, I'd probably be MUCH more okay with it. Obviously I trust him or I wouldn't be having a kid with him It's the unknown factor that gets me, and the realization that it's not going to be up to me in every situation, especially if there's an emergency.

That said, I'm starting to feel like there's something wrong with me and/or this is my fault. I know I have work to do, but I'm getting the feeling that I'm going to be "doing it wrong" if I don't love/appreciate/get receptive to touch before this is all over. I'm sure that's not what MsBlack meant, and I don't mean to offend! I feel like you may think I'm not doing enough - I'm open to any other things you can suggest I try. I'm looking in to those books!

Anyhoo, my MW didn't give me a good response to the email I sent (I kept it brief and VERY polite - I had my MD check me on it because I didn't want to come off as demanding), and I've gotten the impression she's going to drop me from her care. Hopefully that news will come with a partial refund? Or is that too much to expect? I don't want to terminate care with her - this would be her decision, if it happens...
post #28 of 88
Any chance you can find another mw? Maybe you need to talk to someone more directly without the mediation of your MD. I wonder if that would increase trust since you're there, on your own terms, stating your own case and making your own needs known, you know? And with your past experience, you'll definitely know more what to expect (about attendants and what happens at a prenatal, etc.).

The other thing, and I don't know if it was mentioned, but if you find a willing mw, maybe she can show you and/or your dh how to do the "touching" at appointments (doppler, blood pressure, fundal measurement). She could be there to supervise and direct, but not actually get involved unless it was needed. And maybe, taking those baby steps would allow you to get comfortable enough with her touch to be okay with it once you give birth.

I'm really sorry you're in a tough situation.
post #29 of 88
I'm sure this is very hard to deal with...and I'm sorry if my words made it seem harder for you.

First--I don't think there is anything 'wrong' with you! There's a lot I could say on that, but I hope you can accept the shorthand version: nothing wrong with you at all I only suggest that there may be ways to help yourself in this touch business; I only suggest that it might be good to become more able to accept touch, in case it is needed during your birth. I do mean 'more able (than now)'....not entirely ok with it. And I believe wholeheartedly that pregnancy gives us tools for working with our 'sticky stuff', along with a new motivation to do so. "Pregnancy as Healing" speaks of this, and also provides some tools...it's written for professionals, but is not a 'textbook'--easy to read, accessible info for self, too.

This is not about 'fault'. As far as dealing with my own issues around people and trust, I think: it's not my fault that things happened to me when I was far too young to cope well or understand...and yet it is still my responsibility to heal. It's my own 'ability to respond' that is needed, if my life is to change in certain ways that I *want* change. I had no control over the past...I certainly can have influence on the present and future.

And that, to me, is such a good thing: it means *I* get to choose, *I* get to take action--and I also get to be as much 'a mess' over it all, as I might feel like being on particular days (and there are days I do just that ). Other people were definitely involved long ago when things occurred that messed with my trust....but they are not still in charge of me, nor is anyone else...this is something that is now mine, and I am free to, and able to respond to it, make changes as I see fit, live with it in my own way--whatever I want...

does this make any sense? Not that being responsible makes it easy! But for me, knowing that however something got started in me, I now have the ability to respond, by and for myself, somehow makes it easier. It's the good news and the bad news, I guess--but at least there is good news: I am free to choose, heal, as I see fit. That's not in anyone else's control, though I may ask people to contribute somehow. It takes time, yes, but gains can be made gradually.
post #30 of 88
I'm not sure how far "south" you are in Michigan...but you might consider coming to The Farm for your birth. I'm sure there are great Michigan midwives and I'm not trying to imply that there aren't...but you seem to have a set of circumstances that could use a really gentle, trusting environment, and at least for myself, I find that there. If you want more info I'd be happy to share.

You are giving yourself and your child a wonderful gift by addressing these issues.

Jenne
post #31 of 88
Thread Starter 
Jenne - I'm so far south that when I sneeze I give Ohio the flu...can you tell me more about The Farm?

MsBlack: I hope you didn't take me as being rude. I'm just...walking on eggshells. I really think my MW is going to boot me from her care after 1) my honest communication with her, which is what she asked for, and 2) after a significant financial investment in her, which I'm positive I'm going to see none of in a refund even though we're paid well ahead of where we are in visits.

I feel like by being honest I made more of a mess and caused more problems. That's why I don't feel "normal." Normal people don't have these issues - or if they do it's to a manageable degree, or if they do, they know how to deal with it. None of which applies to me. Normal people can select and retain midwives because they don't scare them off or present themselves as "untreatable." I kinda did that. I'm already out of my comfort zone in terms of how I look, how I feel, what my physical limitations are, what I can eat/drink...and now I'm being asked (and really, I have to, to make this work) to go digging through issues that took nearly 30 years to fester...and get it somewhat packaged and shelved in four months.

It's a little overwhelming, which is why I love love love the poster who said a first-birth may not be the best time to try to resolve all of this. Some of it, yes, but I don't want to go digging and increase my emotional turmoil tenfold. Twofold I can prolly live with, though.
post #32 of 88
Sometimes a particular midwife is just not right for a particular mama. If she can't/won't work with you, she's not right for you...doesn't make that your fault. If you are dropped or decide to go with a different midwife, you should definitely broach the subject of a partial refund. Does it spell anything out in your contract about refunds?

If your DP is not very good about advocating for you, would it be possible for you to find a doula or friend you really trust who can come to visits and the birth and advocate for you when necessary?

I do not think it is out of line to ask if you can have a different assistant present for the birth, even if the midwife has to use someone she doesn't normally work with. If there are very few midwives in your area maybe that won't work, but otherwise I would think it would be feasible. For my first birth I asked the midwife to find a different assistant because I spoke the one she normally uses (once, a phone interview) and disliked her and I didn't want her around. She didn't have any problem asking someone else instead.

Also (and I didn't read all the responses so sorry if this was already mentioned), but it doesn't seem unreasonable to me to ask that an assistant not be present for the prenatals, and be in a different room during your labor/birth unless she's actually needed (though maybe that wouldn't be helpful to your comfort level in the event that she were actually needed and you didn't know her at all). I'm going to have two midwives present for this birth (3rd homebirth) for the first time (other 2 only had one midwife for various reasons) and I'm probably going to ask that the assistant be the primary for the actual birth because I am more comfortable with her, and the other midwife stay in the background unless needed.
post #33 of 88
I'm a survivor, and i too struggled with touch at times.

Some thoughts: i wonder if your MW "got" what you meant by "touch"? When you say you have to be sedated for a pelvic exam, that seems a fairly obvious response to past abuse which involved your genitals - i bet gyno's and MW's encounter that semi-regularly. I definitely have GF's who have NEVER been abused and really struggle with that sort of thing. BUT i wonder if that example didn't actually give her the heads up that other non-genital touching would also be difficult for you? If she has been labouring under the impression that you will have problems with VE's and etc. and is only now finding that it is other kinds of touch too might be very challenging to her - she will have to think how she can get all the information it is necessary for her to collect and record in order to care for you properly without touching you and she might not know how.

Some PP's suggestions have been good. You could be taught how to do the doppler/fundal height measuring yourself, you could put the BP cuff on yourself and hold the stethoscope against yourself while she does your BP, you can certainly (i did) do the pee-dip-stick reading yourself after just peeing on it (no samples). The only thing i can see maybe being difficult is palpating for position. I can palpate myself for lie, but not for engagement. Arguably that isn't critical information on most pregnancies though. These are all things to talk about with your MW (or the person who will be with you for birth).

I was sexually abused by a relative for 7 years from the age of 5 and repeatedly raped and beaten at 14 by a "boy"friend (he was 20). I had immense things to overcome in my journey to motherhood. It is not easy, but it CAN be done. Please don't tell yourself "there's something wrong with me" - those are the abusers thoughts in your head. There was something wrong WITH THEM. You are having to deal with that wrongness, but it cannot infect you.

I was afraid of touch for a long time. And one day i realised that i was equally afraid of changing, of being someone who could trust, and who could be touched. That was my hardest hurdle. I don't know what yours will be, but i do know that you can scale it. More than anything i was determined that the birth i wanted would NOT be yet another thing taken from me by my abusers. Yes, it was very hard and painful doing the work which meant that couldn't happen, but the birth of DD1 was probably AS profound as my own birth in the story of my life. I left so much behind at that time, so many false bad-thoughts about myself, my body, my family. I knew i couldn't hang onto it AND have the birth i wanted, so i was forced to let it go. It was a tense time, and i was quite ill through my pregnancy partly, i think, due to it. But it was so so worth it.

PM me any time if you want to talk. Many to you, i wish you peace and joy. It all lies ahead.
post #34 of 88
I too thought of a hand-signal with DH & maybe MW too.
You could have one to communicate, "STOP! I'm uncomfortable!" when you're having trouble verbalizing it. Then if they reassure you, you can come up with a "go ahead" sign. That way, if you say nothing, the exam stops and does NOT start back up until you give the green light. So you're inability to speak can never been taken as granting permission.

Quote:
Originally Posted by SquidMommy View Post
He said he noticed I was uncomfortable, but said "you made it through okay." I told him that wasn't acceptable, since he knows I wimp out when telling people to stop. He knew I wanted him to help and said he'd do more...but today was the same as before.
I hate to say this, but maybe your DP & the MW kept going, even seeing you were uncomfortable, because they feel it's necessary - especially in the case of the standard prenatal exam, you are going to have to get used to it (if you want MW care, that is.) So your only options are to somehow get comfortable with your MW touching you, or go 100% UP/UC. Even if she teaches you to do it yourself, I imagine she'd have to touch you to help confirm you're correct so you can learn.

So maybe they're thinking, "OK, she's not thrilled with this situation, but she's not having a panic attack, so she is hanging in there. She is OK, and in time, she'll get more & more comfortable with this."

I just know that I'd hate to have a MW with whom I had absolutely no trust. That's why we hire them - to help us out, and I think it would be extra stressful to not think that I could let her do what she needs to do - and rely on & trust her to do it- if an emergency arose.
post #35 of 88
The Farm is in Summertown, TN and is where Ina Mae Gaskin resides and practices.

The reason that I suggested them is because of the gentleness and respect that just radiates from all the midwives there.

You might start by emailing them (I know opening yourself up again probably isn't that swell of a thought but in order to advise you they'd have to understand where you are coming from emotionally.) about yourself and your desires. They might know a midwife in your area who would be a good fit or maybe after you correspond with them you'll decide to go to them for care and the birth.

Jenne
post #36 of 88
Thread Starter 
I'm taking all of your suggestions to heart, and I broached the topic with DP again. I know it seems like I'm pushing really hard on the issue with everyone involved - I have backed off to let the MW stew in her own juices, but the PP who said "he's going to have to be your protector bear and if he can't, get someone who can" is something I felt I have to deal with NOW, especially if I need an advocate in exams as well as in giving birth. The exams aren't going away.

He says he understood he is supposed to protect my labor/birth space - that if I say "no" there, he's going to make sure everyone respects it. And I asked him what was going to happen if I couldn't say no, but I needed everyone to respect me as though I had said no. He didn't have an answer, so we're going to have to work on that one. Hand signals, hand signals. I'm learning!

He also said he didn't realize that being the "bear" was going to extend to exams. Truth be told, neither did I - the situation was set up so poorly as to be one giant trigger, and maybe it never would have been an issue if things were set up differently. It wasn't fair of me to have that expectation of him, and he said he thought I was trying to "get through it just to see if you could" even though I was uncomfortable. But, now we both know. Maybe it's his "guy perspective" to see everything as a challenge, but I want some of this to be unchallenging! (Transition sounds like it'll make up for it...)

I told him it's okay if he can't be the bear, but I *am* going to need someone there who can. He's probably a little offended, so I'm going to leave the issue alone until he brings it up and is ready to talk/until we have another exam planned. I don't want him to feel pressured.

Please keep the suggestions coming! I appreciate you all so much for the help and advice you're giving me, and I'm trying to implement as much of your wisdom as I can. The sooner I deal with this the better, and every one of you has given me a new tool or perspective to work from. I'll keep you all posted if I hear from my MW; hopefully the news will be good. I made a point to tell her I want to keep working with her and find a way to fit. Fingers crossed this pans out!
post #37 of 88
You didn't mess ANYTHING up by being honest about your needs.

Your midwife may boot you, but NOW is the time to figure out if she cannot work with you. If she can't work with you, it's wonderful that you found out now.

There will be a spectrum of opinions and options - on one end, "you need to suck up and deal with it, if you are going to birth you're going to get touched"; on the other end, "you don't have to do a darn thing you don't want to, plan for an unassisted birth, period." Well, it's for you to decide. You DO have options.

There ARE midwives out there who will understand your touch issues and work with you. You'll have to look and it won't be easy, but they do exist. Do you want to try and do that? It will take effort, it might require travel and expenses, but it's an option.

You CAN birth with just you and your husband. You will need to educate yourself and you will need to come to terms with the responsibility. It's an option.

You could grit your teeth and suck it up, and make that YOUR choice. This sounds like it's going to be very difficult for you.

You could hire a midwife to sit in the other room and call for her only if you want. You can decide in the moment if your need for help you can't provide yourself outweighs your touch issues.

(BTW, I am no midwife but I don't think doing the Gaskin maneuver yourself is feasible... should it come to that I think your options indeed are to pick which course you are most able to live with).

But anyway, I just hated seeing you write that you feel less empowered by this turn of events... I see it as you being on the path to figuring out what you need. I hear too many stories about women who just went along for the ride and hoped everything would be ok, but when the time came things just went totally awry. You are dealing with this, not just hoping it will go away. You are empowering yourself. Your midwife's response is not related to your empowerment, it only relates to the kind of services she is and isn't comfortable providing. You can even be grateful for her for being able to honestly assess her fit with you. It's not just mamas, too many midwives have a client they feel uneasy about but they just hope it turns out ok.
post #38 of 88
Laohaire- Great post!

Jenne
post #39 of 88
Thread Starter 
Heh - yeah, somehow I don't think I'm going to be able to fix a shoulder dystocia myself unless I get in there with a Mag-Lite and a spatula.

I'm trying to get my head around the issues and scenarios in which I might have to be touched - problem is, they're all catastrophes of some scale. Me being in a panic + in pain + ailing baby + DP in even more of a panic = Saying "no"? hahaha yeah right. Realistically, any EMT is going to ignore the "no" anyway, if I'm (potentially) dying or the baby is (potentially) dying. Anyone have a mantra for "This is not in my control" that isn't going to make me feel like I'm giving up control? lol!

@Laohaire: I needed to hear that - thank you. It's so frustrating for me because my doctor and my dp and to some degree, my whacked-out head are all telling me I'm supposed to be telling her what I need and can tolerate. (it's better than kicking her in the face mid-contraction!) But, I feel badly when my needs make someone else so uncomfortable that I'm "breaking" how her multi-year, bajillions-of-clients practice works. It's like I'm being inconvenient by being abnormal. And what's normal for me is not actually normal.

Still no word from MW. Grumble.
post #40 of 88
Hmmm, I think it might be good to reframe this: not 'giving up control'--no, not at all (if touch is needed in an 'iffy' or even 'dangerous' potential moment of your birth).

It's about cooperating with your care... which means 'willingly working with' your care...with your birth, your body, your baby. Willingly working with--in a way you usually choose to avoid, that you know in that moment is needed.

Reframe it...make it your own choice (no I mean REALLY make it your own), a choice you are quite willing to make as needed.

I mean, seriously--if there is a shoulder dystocia, you WILL be willing to make that choice of being touched, right? It will be something you prefer over remaining untouched....right?

So it will not be 'surrendering control to what other people get to do to you', but 'doing what you freely do, with other people, to give yourself and baby a safe-enough birth'.

No need to expect to have this stuff all tidy-sorted by the time of the birth! Just underway, mama--just underway and part of the plan as much as 'avoiding touch when possible' will be a part of the plan.

hopefully, you will sort this out with your mw, one way or another. Good to get this stuff addressed as soon as possible--I think it will all work out in the mw-department if you trust and keep moving forward.
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