Visitation/Custody with a Preemie Baby?

[Phoenix~Mama]

Well, of course STBX couldn't make it through this whole ordeal with being supportive or thinking of someone besides himself for the whole duration. *sighs*

Update on me, I've been in the hospital since Tuesday for pre-eclampsia. Thursday morning, my diagnosis was upped to severe pre-eclampsia, meaning I have to deliver at 34 weeks, or sooner if anymore of my systems show signs of distress/failing (DS looks good).

For the first few days STBX has stepped up a little and has been helping my Mom with DD. And at first he seemed concerned about me and DS.

Yeah... and then today, of course we have to get into it. He called to tell me his Mom just bought some NB gowns for DS. I asked if she could return them as I had already told him I had more than enough gowns for DS.

So he says, well I can just keep them here for when he is here. I said, well, DS won't be visiting you there without me for some time, him being a preemie changes everything.

He immediately started cussing me out telling me how messed up I am for not being able to let this go for five minutes (whatever he meant by that). And I said I was just speaking reality for him. That it is even more imperative for our DS to be with me and be able to BF as much as possible, as he is going to be behind and it is so important for him to get all the antibodies, etc from the breast milk.

So of course he continues swearing at me and I hung up. I'm trying to avoid stress as much as possible right now, for obvious reasons.

Anyway... has anyone heard or know of court cases for custody involving a preemie baby? I imagine it has to be different visitation standards than for a term baby. It's DS's health!!

It's just so infuriating that he can't look at the big picture and do what is in the best optimal interest of DS's health.

I'm trying not to stress about this... I'm just going to document his being a UAV, again... and be getting documents from the NICU docs that state how imperative it is for DS's health to not be around smoke and to be BF, etc. And will be calling my lawyer on Monday to update her on the situation.

One day we will be through with all of this. *sighs*

[Super~Single~Mama]

You'll get through this. Breathe, don't talk to your ex, just take care of you and the baby. You'll get through this. He doesn't even take advantage of the visitation that he has with his dd - and he can't take one without the other.

You'll be ok. You can do this. Just keep the baby baking.

[Super~Single~Mama]

I just had the perfect solution to your problem pop into my head: Every.Single.Time. your ex brings up visitation with ds, just tell him, "I'm trying to keep the baby in as long as possible, we'll discuss this after ds is born." Repeat. As often as necessary. If you have to, put it in writing and mail it to him certified mail with return receipt. Since you're in the hospital, don't take his calls, and ask the nurses not to let him visit (I know he's not visiting you - at least I sincerely hope he's not!).

You're going to be ok.

[Phoenix~Mama]

He is "sort of" visiting because when he has DD, he is bringing her to see me. He also brought my DSD to see me because she wanted to.

I don't think he will bring it up again...

I'm just curious/hopeful that judges will have common sense and agree that visitation with a preemie should be handled differently than with a term baby? Thoughts on this?

[PoppyMama]

I thought you had it where he was visiting the baby at your place for the first four months so I don't see how he thought nb gowns at his place would help him.

[lilyka]

I don't have anything helpful to say. just wanted to offer a cyber hug and warm thoughts.

[Phoenix~Mama]

Originally Posted by PoppyMama

I thought you had it where he was visiting the baby at your place for the first four months so I don't see how he thought nb gowns at his place would help him.

I do have it that way... and he's still fighting it.

And really now, I'd like to move it back to 6 months that I had originally given the new circumstances.

Depending on how DS does and stuff... I may not be going back to work as planned. This changes things a lot. I'm hopefully optimistic, but no one will really know how DS is doing/will do until he is here.

[Everrgreen]

I don't have any advice for you but wanted to offer some hugs I just cannot believe him, it makes me angry just reading the things he says. I can't imagine how frustrating this must be for you. But, try and ignore him, try and limit contact with him. You have more important things to worry about and he doesn't deserve your energy.

Thinking of you and I hope the rest of your pregnancy goes smoothly

[Avani]

Seriously, i can't imagine you will have single problem with this. No judge in their right mind is going to agree to allow a small premature baby with possible health problems to be away from it's mother or it's primary home. I would institute a full year of supervised visits in your home before that baby is allowed visits outside of the home and even then being based on his current health. Your current condition is based on stress. If your ex is going to continue to be a you know what and causing you additional stress then ban him from your hospital room and your phone. Have your mom deal with his calls and tell her not to tell you what he is saying. Focus on keeping healthy and keeping your son in longer. Even if you were to go to mediation first he is not going to be able to take that baby anywhere. Stop worrying please, your ex is being irrational.

[PoppyMama]

Can you talk to your medical team about what's going on and how he's acting? I thought Pre-E was very stress aggravated and it might be good to have it in your records that he is making your condition, and the condition of your baby, worse with his selfish, explosive behavior.

[kblackstone444]

Don't discuss it with him until after the baby is born. When you do discuss it with him, don't give him anything until he brings you to court. If he brings you to court, have papers from his pedi, the medical team whatever, stating how he needs to be with his primary caregiver in his primary home, for health reasons. It won't stop him from being able to visit in your home, but it will likely prevent him from taking the baby away from you for a while.

[Ione]

For preemies, don't they use an "adjusted age" based on the original due date rather than real birth day when it comes to assessing attainment of milestones, etc.?

If so, just have your lawyer adjust the terms of the agreement so that for DS it goes by the "adjusted age" or whatever it's called (need to use the official [medical] term used for this "age") used for preemie babies...

Doing so (1) follows standard (medical) usage dealing with preemies (and therefore looks very reasonable objectively) and (2) mathematically gives DS more time to grow and mature before visitation alone with STBX happens...

As for the rest, the "say 'we're trying to keep DS inside as long as possible. we'll discuss it once he's actually born when we know his real medical status and needs'. pass the bean dip. lather, rinse and repeat" advice is your best course of action.