or Connect
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Mom › Parenting › My friend discipling my child in front of me
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:

My friend discipling my child in front of me - Page 3

post #41 of 100
I have disciplined/redirected my friends kids before and I'll probably do it again. I generally only do it when I feel that my friend has reached their limit and seem to need some help. I've only ever been met with appreciation. Of course, I always handle things gently and with respect. I'm sure the tone of voice can change the reaction quite a bit.

On the other side of the coin, I have a very sensitive child and she would probably be upset if someone discipline her. I handle any discipline with her very gently and I'm not sure that everyone would understand that about her.

If you are really upset about it, I would talk to your friend. I wouldn't want to lose a friend over something like that.
post #42 of 100
Quote:
Originally Posted by tallulahma View Post
i thought the OP said she also asked her dd to stop when she saw it happening under the table?

when it happened again, she could just have asked her to stop again OR said to the mom "you really need to do something. its really upsetting my child/me"

im not understanding why its a "i must deal with this myself" issue.

if the mom is right there- she either didnt see it or didnt think it was a big deal, right? i feel like people would rather discipline the child themselves than say "I need you to control/intervene/do something else with your child/act in a more authoritative way to keep your child from upsetting my child" to an adult.
IMO the mom didn't handle it the first time when she asked her dd to stop & then continued to eat/visit. She didn't make sure her dd listened. According to the OP this happened several times this day so obviously she was not getting through to her dd. She didn't elaborate on whether this was the first time this day or the 5th time this day. The OP saw her friend & her son were upset when her dd tickled her son's feet the first time. She should have done more THEN but didn't.

Quote:
Redirecting Mom's attention to the daughter's behavior would have been far more appropriate. Mom is _right there_ - she can handle her daughter's behavior in the way that is appropriate for her.
yeah she can, but she WASN'T. She was ignoring her dd.

Quote:
I'm not sure of the age of the child (nevermind, it doesn't matter)
Her dd is 4 and I think it does matter. When I first read this post I was figuring 2yo's, until I realized that her dd is 4 & is old enough to know better.

Quote:
As far as leaving the room, it could be read two different ways... left the room to discipline or was already out of the room when the incident happened. Either way, I think talking to a child out of the room is actually more respectful of the child. Whether the parent or friend did it in the room it's going to embarrass the child more, leaving to a more private spot helps a bit. I don't think telling a child that the action is not ok is shaming if its done the right way.
I agree. For all we know this friend knows this girl very well & the girl could have reacted very badly if she had said anything to her in front of a group of people.
post #43 of 100
Quote:
Originally Posted by tallulahma View Post
You seriously think that embarrassing and shaming a kid is deserved and appropriate way for them to learn social boundaries?

You think a kid "should be" embarrassed by someone for being unintentionally annoying?!

I would never be friends with someone that would rather shame my kidthan have a frank discussion with me. Its so offensive. And yet people really believe it's appropriate.
I said I was embarrassed and should have been in those instances. I knew better but was choosing to disregard the well being and/or boundaries of others.

I really don't see where the friends mom did anything to intentionally embarrass or shame the child. She instead took the children aside, away from the eyes of everyone, exerted boundaries and helped the friends make peace. I don't think there is anything wrong with being firm with your own personal boundaries (or your childs if you child is not ready to stand up for themselves). And I would much rather my friend gently but firmly tell my child "hey Ava, you are annoying/irritating/hurting your friend when you do xyz. You need to stop doing XYZ right now. We keep asking you to stop and you need to respect that" than letting her kid (justifiably) freak out on mine (which could result in injury and more than hurt feelings) or writing my child off as "that kid" and me as "that mom" and walking away.

Sorry if I wasn't clear in my post. I do not see where the friends mom intentionally was shaming or embarrassing the little girl. We are all embarrassed by our behavior every now and then and often it is justifiable. We do things we know we shouldn't and then we regret. We are embarrassed when we get called on it. It is a valid emotion and we are responsible for it. Not the other person.
post #44 of 100
i would imagine that if your friend is comfortable in disciplining your child repeatedly then you have already set up some relationship regarding that.

i would imagine that if my friend disciplined my dd that there already existed a basic relationship of trust between all of us.

i would not dream that ANY of my friends would ever use shaming or embarrasement to discipline my dd. i would hope i made wiser choices of who my friends are.

dd is older now. and some of my single friends have decided how dd should be disciplined - in other words they disagree with how i do it. and they step in. however NEVER in the shaming or embarrassed way. dd and i may not like what they say, but both dd and i have an understanding its coz in many cases they dont have the practical knowledge, the experience. instead it lets us know what's bugging them.
post #45 of 100
I think it's interesting how it keeps gettingbrought up that certain people and their children have arrangements where they are comfortable intervening with the children and letting others intervene with their kids.

I have situations like that too.

But in THIS instance it seems clear that OP did NOT have that kind of situation set up.

1. She noticed the annoyance, said something to her child and got distracted with chatting.

2. She then noticed them in the other room, where she assumes it happened again because her friend is disciplining her child.

3. Her child is crying. Which I take as a clear sign that the child was NOT comfortable with the woman disciplining her.

Yes, the OP should have gotten more involved when she notices her friend was annoyed. But as I read it, she dint notice it continue on in the other room.

Considering the OP an her dd seemed to not have a prearranged/previous leek of comfort AND given that the mother was right there in the next room, WHY...WHY would it not have been MORE appropriate to pick up the child, come over to the mother and just say,"hey, I don't know if you are aware, but your dd is Really upsetting my ds, can you maybe talk to her?"

Why isn't that better? Why is it more acceptable to take matters into your own hands and end up with a cryin kid who may not even understand why this adult is so upset?

My own 5 yr old has very little impulse control & I PERSONALLY try to stay on top of that. We had an issuewhere she pushed buttons and I didn't realize it until it was too late. She got yelled at by someone she was close to, but that had never yelled/gotten upset with her before and she WAS traumatized. Pretty badly.

She started wetting her pants when she heard sudden loud voices and crying in her sleep. She went from being really outgoing to unbelievably shy and withdrawn.

So I'm speaking from that angle. SOMETIMES I think kids are unusually sensitive and can be affected far more than you would imagine.

So if you are upset with a child, who is probably acting within THEIR patents limits, approach THE PARENT. Because the parent is the one teaching their child how to socialize. The child has little control over how they are raised.

Maybe I'm projecting, but it's been almost three months and we are stil dealing with issues. Is my child exceptionally sensitive? Yes. But who knows how damaging words from outside our Childs trusted circle can be...
post #46 of 100
And I think the "she's old enough to know better" I a lame excuse for intervening yourself- if she is technically old enough to know better and she doesn't know better- it's probably because she wasn't taught and thats not HER problem.

It's the moms. So approaching the mom is probably more important that trying to teach a kid a life lesson when you are annoyed withthe kid already and trying to protect your child.

Nak. Typos galore. Sry
post #47 of 100
the situation is where there are opposite personalities happening. repeatedly. not just once. i hope her dd wasnt crying every single time.

its time to seperate the children. to have different playgroups. to take a break.

sometimes children react in ways that surprise us. did op's dd cry every single time? or did she this last time? perhaps the mother is used to disciplining OPs dd and might have been mortified when OPs dd reacted that way for the first time.

asking a child to say sorry, while you may not agree with - is a common practice amongst most families.
post #48 of 100
I don't think a 4 yo crying is a neccessary indicator that the adult in question was doing something evil. Children do not take correction well--even gentle, reasonable correction.

I don't see any reason to be outraged over this. Some changes need to be made, for sure. Starting with mama being more vigilant. But I think outrage is out of proportion to the situation as described.
post #49 of 100
Never said the mom was evil... Not understanding the sarcasm.

I was just saying that some parents do try to raise their children in a way that doesn't involve tears. Tears would show me that my dd was uncomfortable. Because my dd doesn't usually cry when she feels safe and loved...

I'm not seeing OUTRAGE either... I've seen some posters, including myself, note that they would prefer a heads up that their interventions are insufficient in their eyes.

I don't know why there is so much opposition to giving the mom a heads up?
post #50 of 100
Quote:
I don't know why there is so much opposition to giving the mom a heads up?
Um, no opposition.

What happened, happened. IMO, what happened wasn't wrong. Might have been more comfortable for all if it had been managed differently, or might not.

The OP knew what was going on with her daughter and had the opportunity to do something about it, but didn't take it.
post #51 of 100
Quote:
Originally Posted by PlayaMama View Post
i bolded what i think are the important aspects of this interaction.

1- you knew your dd was annoying your friend because it was obvious
2- you told your dd to stop but then kept eating and chatting

here's my question, what did you do to _make sure_ that she stopped?

if the answer is nothing, after you knew it was a problem, then yes, i think your friend was right to handle the situation since you were not doing anything about it. if you did make sure that your dd stopped and _then_ your friend did her thing, then no, she was not in the right.

it doesn't mean that you have to make your dd sit at the table and eat, but i do think you are responsible for making sure that your dd doesn't make the experience annoying for anyone else. obviously your dd doesn't know how to do that for herself right now so she needs your guidance to figure it out.


I remember my friend going through similar experience you went through and she told me after the party that she felt embarrassed that others were disciplining her child. She told me that in future she'll be "one step ahead" next time and would intervene first before others did. Then at the next event, she did intervene first every time and one of the mothers there gave her compliment because she was trying to give her a hint that she wanted her (my friend) to do something about it.

Maybe that's what your friend is trying to do---giving you a hint to step in?
post #52 of 100
Quote:
Originally Posted by meemee View Post
the situation is where there are opposite personalities happening. repeatedly. not just once. i hope her dd wasnt crying every single time.

its time to seperate the children. to have different playgroups. to take a break.

sometimes children react in ways that surprise us. did op's dd cry every single time? or did she this last time? perhaps the mother is used to disciplining OPs dd and might have been mortified when OPs dd reacted that way for the first time.

asking a child to say sorry, while you may not agree with - is a common practice amongst most families.
The bolded is a very weak excuse for stepping all over another parent and child's relationship.

Formula feeding is very common amongst most families.
Disposable diaper use is very common amongst most families.
High fructose corn syrup consumption is very common amongst most families.
Red dye, artificial flavoring consumption is very common amongst most families.
Spanking is very common amongst most families.
Gender stereotyping is very common amongst most families.

Would you like someone to come in and run rough-shod all over your parenting choices because it's "common amongst most families?" We'll just barge right in and hand your kid a cookie made with red M&Ms, wash it down with some formula (hey, it's milk, right? Who's veg anyway? That's not "common amongst most families."), spank them when they won't do what I asked and ... wait, you have a problem with that? What do you mean "the fallout of these choices?" Hey, I'm a parent, too and I'm just feeding your child and giving them a little discipline. What's the problem?
post #53 of 100
I don't see it as a giant deal. As long as the adult was respectful to the child, I pretty much think that kids need to understand that some people will have problems with their behavior. I tell other kids that I am around to stop doing things to me or my kids.

I once approached another mom about her daughter being mean to my son and honestly I felt like I was tattling. "come deal with your kid's behavior" can go over like a lead brick. I've seen it happen time and time again. The mom gets huffy and things get way overblown. I'd much rather (in most cases, obviously not if something was super serious) just tell the kids to stop or redirect whatever is going on. Because in the OP's case, I'm probably irritated that I'd need to be redirecting/disciplining the OP's child, interrupting me and my kids and whatever we were doing, while OP chatted away (knowing her kid was bugging me/mine). I would probably be much nicer to the kid than to OP.

My neighbor's granddaughter is sometimes physical with my kids. The grandma can get huffy when my kids go knock on her door to tell her what's happened. So the last time the girl came to my house after she had hurt one of my kids. I told her to stop. She's 4. (but frankly I don't mind if grandma gets miffed, it's happening way too often)
post #54 of 100
My thing is- I'd rather have a mom get angry with me, than have her kid be distraught/sad/whatever and be scared/embarrassed with me.

An adult woman can handle herself- kids do not usually have the reserves for situations like this. Thy may not understand REALLY whats going on. Just that this adult is upset with them for tickling/playing rough, etc.

Moms that get puffed up over being approached to help control a situation would not be someone I would spend a whole lot of time with.

Better to know and weed that energy out anyway, I say.
post #55 of 100
I think that this necessitates a frank talk between friends.

But to be blunt, if the OP is going to go high horse and tell this other person "How dare you tell my DD to not do what she was doing and ask her to apologize!" she should be prepared to hear "What did you expect, when you didn't take care of the problem when it was happening and weren't paying attention enough to see us go out of the room and start our discussion until we were mostly through?"
post #56 of 100
I think that me and my kid are going to have to live in the world. In the world I don't get to control how everyone else talks to me at all times. If you believe that no one else has the right to interact with your kid in a way that you don't like then you need to stay home. Period. There isn't a way to ensure that everyone will always speak to your kid in a way they will like. That's life. You deal with it. If you are rude/inappropriate/whatever to someone else sometimes they are going to react in ways that are unfun for you. Seems like natural consequences to me. People are unpredictable.
post #57 of 100
So we do away with common courtesy and respect for others and different parenting philosophies because life and people are unpredictable?

Don't like how someone treats your kid?? Stay home?!

Wow.

Maybe breastfeeding mothers should just stay home if they don't like how people approach them?

No sense in worrying ourselves over it.
post #58 of 100
Quote:
Originally Posted by ladymeag View Post
The bolded is a very weak excuse for stepping all over another parent and child's relationship.

Formula feeding is very common amongst most families.
Disposable diaper use is very common amongst most families.
High fructose corn syrup consumption is very common amongst most families.
Red dye, artificial flavoring consumption is very common amongst most families.
Spanking is very common amongst most families.
Gender stereotyping is very common amongst most families.

Would you like someone to come in and run rough-shod all over your parenting choices because it's "common amongst most families?" We'll just barge right in and hand your kid a cookie made with red M&Ms, wash it down with some formula (hey, it's milk, right? Who's veg anyway? That's not "common amongst most families."), spank them when they won't do what I asked and ... wait, you have a problem with that? What do you mean "the fallout of these choices?" Hey, I'm a parent, too and I'm just feeding your child and giving them a little discipline. What's the problem?
<bold> is that what the other mom is doing? running rough-shod. no she is protecting her child. AND doing it the best way SHE knows how. even if that means in her books giving the child red M&Ms to be washed down with formula. my statement was made to point out that the mom was handling it the best way she could.

she probably is doing what most people normally do. stop the behaviour and ask the child to apologize. since the mother for various reasons doesnt seem to do it. its not the first time. it isnt about wrong or right. its about handling it right at the moment.

if this was a first time occurrence i would have said yeah she should have told the mom first.

but its not. esp. if i didnt like my friend disciplining my child i would hang out near the child and rectify the behaviour the moment it happened AGAIN.

so yeah there have been mothers who have got into trouble because they bf their friends formula fed baby - because they were doing what they thought the best they could do to take care of that baby at that time.
post #59 of 100
Quote:
Originally Posted by tallulahma View Post
So we do away with common courtesy and respect for others and different parenting philosophies because life and people are unpredictable?

Don't like how someone treats your kid?? Stay home?!

Wow.

Maybe breastfeeding mothers should just stay home if they don't like how people approach them?

No sense in worrying ourselves over it.
Hyperbole much? I teach my kid what I teach my kid. I behave with my version of common courtesy and you use yours. I don't think we will agree on everything. If I don't like how you are treating me I can get my panties in a twist or I can stay home. Yup, those are my options.

If you are going to get hysterical about how people approach you on *any* topic, yeah maybe you should stay home. Otherwise you need to learn to shrug it off because you can't control other people. You really think that you should have the right to control how everyone speaks to you? Well... good luck with that.
post #60 of 100
I suspect that if everyone was sitting at the table with the exception of your daughter who is running around the room and under the table -- this mom was most likely not the only one getting a little uptight
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:
  Return Home
  Back to Forum: Parenting
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Mom › Parenting › My friend discipling my child in front of me