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My friend discipling my child in front of me - Page 4

post #61 of 100
With all due respect, protecting her child from being tickled. Making another kid cry because they tickled her kid. Sounds super productive.

But who cares if the girls feelings were hurt.

She should know better than to tickle or be annoying.
post #62 of 100
Quote:
Originally Posted by tallulahma View Post
With all due respect, protecting her child from being tickled. Making another kid cry because they tickled her kid. Sounds super productive.

But who cares if the girls feelings were hurt.

She should know better than to tickle or be annoying.
I've known some kids who cry if you look at them wrong. Should no one ever look at them again? It doesn't sound like this other mother was screaming or ranting and raving.

When my feelings have been hurt because I was disciplined I generally learned that I should avoid the behavior that got me yelled at. Seems effective.
post #63 of 100
Quote:
Originally Posted by rightkindofme View Post
Hyperbole much? I teach my kid what I teach my kid. I behave with my version of common courtesy and you use yours. I don't think we will agree on everything. If I don't like how you are treating me I can get my panties in a twist or I can stay home. Yup, those are my options.

If you are going to get hysterical about how people approach you on *any* topic, yeah maybe you should stay home. Otherwise you need to learn to shrug it off because you can't control other people. You really think that you should have the right to control how everyone speaks to you? Well... good luck with that.
I don't think I have the right to control how anyone talks to me or my child. I only control myself. I can only choose to surround myself with people that respect my parenting and me enough to give me a heads up when my kids annoying them.

This was two friends- I cannot imagine not being able to say "look Jen, the tickling is really getting to ds"

I personally was shocked by all of the "well you obviously were not going to do anything about it"

I guess I'm used to a much more laid back environment than most of what people are describing...I have no room in my life for people that need to discipline smothers child for being annoying. Lol

If that were the case I'd be disciplining other peoples kids all the time
post #64 of 100
Quote:
Originally Posted by tallulahma View Post
With all due respect, protecting her child from being tickled. Making another kid cry because they tickled her kid. Sounds super productive.

But who cares if the girls feelings were hurt.

She should know better than to tickle or be annoying.
one is not better or worse than the other.

tickling the foot of a SHY child while he eats is not 'just tickling'.

i am sure mom didnt intend to make friend's child cry.

however we are only going off the OPs original post. she has not replied back to provide any further information. perhaps her dd is v. sensitive too. and thus cried.

her dd was hyper. and loses it in a group situation. and i know exactly what she means. her dd was overwhelmed. and if that had been my dd that crying would have been a 'god-send'. because during moments like that crying was the only way dd would have gotten past the overstimulation to be able to calm down and settle down. doesnt mean mom should have made the child cry - but at a time when dd was tired and hyper - no amount of reasoning worked. she would need to throw a tantrum and cry to settle down. she could not be brought down otherwise. if she was just hyper and not overwhelmed she could be calmed by reading a book. that meant i just had to be super vigilant to repeatedly calm her so she wouldnt get hyper. because when she got hyper she lost sense of reason and would do the 'wrong' things.

but in general - the OP probably got her answer. some people agree it was ok what the other mom did, others felt she shouldnt have. she should have said something to the mom.

we dont have enough information to figure out the rightness or wrongness of action.
post #65 of 100
I'm not seeing how having a conversation interrupted and being called out in front of a group of people for not being on top of my child any less embarassing if the OP is embarassed that this has happened and feels horrible about it.

Calmly telling a child who is invading your child's space physically "Little Johnny doesn't like that, please stop" is well within most people's realm of normal and reasonable. Especially if the behaviour is happening in front of the child's mother who can see well enough its annoying the other child and really not doing anything to keep it from happening. If one wants to handle it themselves, then, they need to be prepared to enforce other peoples rules regarding personal space and stay on top of it. Which is exactly what did not happen.
post #66 of 100
Well, fwiw...

A few months ago i was with 2 other women and their kids. One had a newborn, one a 12month old. I was there with my 4yo and my newborn. My older DD was LOVING the bigger baby, and playing with her a lot. I watched her carefully whenever they were close together, and gave her constant gentle direction (she can tend to be rough sometimes). The two of them were having a great time.

A bit later my DD was over by the window, nowhere near the baby, and i was sat nursing my nb, when the 12month old's mama suddenly said "NO!" very loudly and then shot a really guilty look at me. My DD was stood by the window with a rubber band hooked over her thumb, stretched and ready to ping right at her DD's face. Because they weren't standing close together i just wasn't paying very much attention and another second and her baby could have been rubber-banded in the face. The other mum was soooooo apologetic and i had to tell her about 20 times, no *I* was sorry, and she was completely right to do what she did and stop my DD in her tracks - 4 is old enough to know not to do that but unfortunately maybe not old enough to think about what would happen if you DO do it. My DD tends to learn not to do things AFTER they've been done to her...

To me it was a non-issue, or if anything, a positive thing where i felt supported in my role. She didn't do anything i wouldn't have done and i appreciated the help as it meant i could nurse my newborn and not be constantly panicking about my 4yo- knowing that the other moms were on it too.

OP i think maybe the other mom wanted YOU to do more about it. My DD1 is incredibly high needs and spirited and if i let her she too would be crawling all over the room and annoying people. I don't let her. There isn't really any reason for a child of 4 to be crawling under the table people are eating at. Perhaps the other mom worked HARD to get her boy to sit and eat at the table and doesn't appreciate your DD running riot?

Believe me, i know how hard it is to have the spirited child, but i just think if *I* don't help DD to behave really well i'm doing HER a disservice, after all, the reality is people probably WON'T take it up with me if she behaves badly, they will go straight to telling her off.

Table manners especially have been hard for my DD, she finds it so hard to sit still and control her waving arms and so on! But we practice at every meal in my house and she is getting there.
post #67 of 100
My issue with taking my child out of the room without my permission isn't about respect. If she felt that was necessary (if this were my kid) I'd expect her to tell me she was going to take my child out to talk to him about the tickling. People shouldn't be removing someone else's child from where the parent is without telling the parent. I can't even imagine telling someone else's child that they need to come with me, and having them leave the room where their parent is.
post #68 of 100
I subscribe to the village concept as well. Parents who are of the "only I can give feedback to my child" philosophy are very off putting to me... I once had a mother introduce herself and say something to the effect of "don't speak to my child about anything they do because I have been known to go crazy on people over that"... mind you, she lived 2 blocks away and her boys played nearer to house as I didn't let my kids roam that far... but I really don't get that attitude
post #69 of 100
I think your friend handled it very gently. I think it was thoughtful of her to take the two kids in another room so as not to embarass anyone or distract the others at the party. I could be that your two kids' personalities just clash at the moment and later they will grow out of this. I don't think this situation demonstrated that you are a failure as a parent. Although I can understand sensitivity about it. However I also don't know what the other situations entailed when you say your friend disciplined your child.

ETA: i don't agree with the forced apology though. And I am working under the assumption that you and friend know each other well enough to be aware of each other's discipline styles and to respect each others children.

My dd is the one who is quiet usually. We have a friend who has a very spirited dd. Playdates end half the time because her dd is having a fit about something or other or because my dd has become frightened or bothered by her daughters yelling or demanding something. I don't view her as a parent who has failed nor do I view her child as lacking in discipline. Its more a question of personalities and boundaries.

Maybe work on staying more aware of your dd's action in a social setting but over all- Don't be so hard on yourself =)
post #70 of 100
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mackenzie View Post
I subscribe to the village concept as well. Parents who are of the "only I can give feedback to my child" philosophy are very off putting to me... I once had a mother introduce herself and say something to the effect of "don't speak to my child about anything they do because I have been known to go crazy on people over that"... mind you, she lived 2 blocks away and her boys played nearer to house as I didn't let my kids roam that far... but I really don't get that attitude
post #71 of 100
Quote:
Originally Posted by aprons_and_acorns View Post

Yep... sigh
post #72 of 100
I really think that the OP needs to clarify some things. Again we have a thread where there isn't enough information and far too much speculation.

In general, it sounds like the OP ignored the situation and the friend gently intervened to keep her son from being tormented. That may turn out to not be the case, but the OP is not back here explaining further.

Had this been from the other side, the thread might read "My son was being tormented by a hyperactive child with no boundaries and the other mother was ignoring the situation. I gently took the children aside to discuss the situation as the other mother just went on eating and chatting and paying no attention... now the mother is upset with herself and me, the girl cried in spite of gently explaining that she needs to stop tickling... what do I do?" Everyone would be rallying around that person. Objectivity is lacking here, I think.
post #73 of 100
Quote:
Originally Posted by velochic View Post
I really think that the OP needs to clarify some things. Again we have a thread where there isn't enough information and far too much speculation.

In general, it sounds like the OP ignored the situation and the friend gently intervened to keep her son from being tormented. That may turn out to not be the case, but the OP is not back here explaining further.

Had this been from the other side, the thread might read "My son was being tormented by a hyperactive child with no boundaries and the other mother was ignoring the situation. I gently took the children aside to discuss the situation as the other mother just went on eating and chatting and paying no attention... now the mother is upset with herself and me, the girl cried in spite of gently explaining that she needs to stop tickling... what do I do?" Everyone would be rallying around that person. Objectivity is lacking here, I think.
If she said that, I'd rally around her, but if she said she took the child into another room to discipline him, no I wouldn't. I'd say that went beyond what was appropriate.
post #74 of 100
Obviously, you've gotten plenty of feedback on this, but I'll add mine, simply because my friend and I were discussing this, over the weekend, with regard to our children.

I do think it's OK to address the behavior of a child who is not your own, and who is:
* Behaving inappropriately to your own child (or any child, really)
* Endangering herself; or
* Setting an unacceptable example for other kids.

There could be any number of reasons why the child's own parent doesn't address the behavior, including the fact that the parent is distracted and simply didn't notice it. Or the parent could be so accustomed to the behavior that they don't realize how disturbing it is, to others.

But especially if the child's own parent is there, some amount of discretion and respect is required! I think it would have been fine for your friend to tell your child firmly, "My child does not like you tickling his feet while he's trying to eat. I've already asked you to stop. We like to be near you, but if you do not stop - right now - we will go and eat somewhere away from you." That ensures her child doesn't have to be "victimized" by the fact that you tolerate different behavior from your daughter than she does, from her son. And it leaves the ball in your court. If you don't want your daughter to drive your friend to another table, you can step in and do what YOU - as the parent - feel is necessary, to control her. Or, if you feel your daughter's behavior is no big deal and your friend is overreacting, you can blow it off and let your friend eat elsewhere, if that's what she decides to do.

But it was inappropriate for your friend to take your daughter away from you - without consulting you - and tried to make her apologize. Whether you force your child to apologize or not is YOUR call, as a parent. SHE is only entitled to make sure HER child is not harassed or mistreated; or to step in with emergency measures if your daughter or other children are in danger.

That said, you may want to think about whether your daughter's behavior is typically irritating to other people and whether you should teach her to be more considerate and less impulsive. It's best to balance "letting a kid be a kid" with teaching them how to behave in ways that won't drive others away and make the child feel sad, unliked, or excluded as a result.
post #75 of 100
Feeling bad when you do something inappropriate (or fail to do something appropriate) is not the fault of the person who steps in to correct the situation for you.

Yes, if the parent was sitting right there and doing nothing while her child repeatly touched my child who didn't want to be touched (or who was trying to focus on eating or whatever), I would say something. I don't do forced apologies either, and to me, that's not the point. The point is to respect the boundaries of others. I don't understand why the need to not hurt feelings trumps the need for bodily integrity.

In fact, I do this almost daily when I pick up my children. A boy in my son's class has a habit of grabbing my son and I by the arm (he loops his arm through ours) and dragging us around. I do not wait for a teacher or his parents to ask him to stop, *I* tell him to let go, tell my son to tell him to let go, and tell him that he needs to ask before he grabs us like that, and I don't let it drop until he stops. At 10, he should know better and it should be sinking in. I am not mean about it, but I am not going to give my child the idea that he just has to put up with unwanted touching.
post #76 of 100
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mackenzie View Post
I subscribe to the village concept as well. Parents who are of the "only I can give feedback to my child" philosophy are very off putting to me... I once had a mother introduce herself and say something to the effect of "don't speak to my child about anything they do because I have been known to go crazy on people over that"... mind you, she lived 2 blocks away and her boys played nearer to house as I didn't let my kids roam that far... but I really don't get that attitude
This is me too. I am not friends with anyone who would intentionally hurt, embarrass or shame my child, so I am comfortable with others directing and redirecting her to proper behavior. It can be really hard in group settings, especially at a party, to be on top of your child's behavior. I have no problem stopping other toddlers from clobbering my daughter, and vice versa. She's a little young for apologies (she's almost 2), but I wouldn't be upset about this situation at all. Her friend didn't mean to make her daughter cry. It's not her fault the daughter is so sensitive.
post #77 of 100
Quote:
Originally Posted by cappuccinosmom View Post
I don't think a 4 yo crying is a neccessary indicator that the adult in question was doing something evil. Children do not take correction well--even gentle, reasonable correction.

I don't see any reason to be outraged over this. Some changes need to be made, for sure. Starting with mama being more vigilant. But I think outrage is out of proportion to the situation as described.
Yes, thank you. The child was overtired and probably bordering on cranky anyway. Jeez, it probably didn't take much to make her cry.

OP, I have been in your shoes. Unfortunately, the woman who (properly) disciplined my son for bothering her older infant formed an opinion of me as a lax parent and now doesn't like us because of my failure to take immediate action (no one was hurt, but I was distracted by nursing, lack of sleep, and trying to manage the activities we were involved in). I'm glad it was your FRIEND who handled the situation and not a stranger.

I personally LOVE it when DS1 gets GD from other parents. It reinforces that the world is not limited to our family, and my rules are not arbitrary but universal. Plus, kids get tired of hearing it from their parents and sometimes hear it with fresh ears from someone else. However, I try to do it myself because it's MY job, not the other parents'.
post #78 of 100
Quote:
Originally Posted by GoBecGo View Post
.

OP i think maybe the other mom wanted YOU to do more about it. My DD1 is incredibly high needs and spirited and if i let her she too would be crawling all over the room and annoying people. I don't let her. There isn't really any reason for a child of 4 to be crawling under the table people are eating at. Perhaps the other mom worked HARD to get her boy to sit and eat at the table and doesn't appreciate your DD running riot?


.
post #79 of 100
I would be pretty upset about the forced apology, and the removing your child to another room. I fail to see how that falls under the realm of protecting her child from yours. If your child wasn't responding to a clear statement such as "stop that, he doesn't like it" then she should have directed a clear statement at you.

I do have one of those kids who is very spirited and never sits still and plays very exhuberantly, and I just tend to restrict our social outings to kids who are more like her. I have friends with very quiet and gentle kids, and they just don't play well, so we don't try any more. It's not good for anyone. They're not at an age where we can expect total compliance in respecting other people's wishes yet, and there's no sense in trying to teach these lessons at the expense of other children.
post #80 of 100
Quote:
Originally Posted by mamazee View Post
If she said that, I'd rally around her, but if she said she took the child into another room to discipline him, no I wouldn't. I'd say that went beyond what was appropriate.
Exactly... without the OP coming back and clarifying, there is too much supposition. It's all how it's played out in our own minds as the readers rather than what really happened... and even that is just a one-sided story. It could be that the OP continuously ignored the problem (we only know what she purposely ignored once based on her post) and the other mother may have asked several times, without the OP hearing her, to do something. (See, you can make up any story, and it will change the response given.) If *my* scenario were fact, then taking a child into the other room to talk would be VERY appropriate.
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