Should we open gifts at the b-day party for 4yo or not? Happy UPDATE post #23

[joy2grow]

I live in a small community a state away from any family members. We are having a party here next week to celebrate DD's 4yo birthday. I'm expecting 12 kids from school and their families - maybe 35 total.

We've been to 6 parties in the year we've lived here and 3 of them did not open the gifts while the guests were there. I'd never even thought of this possibility before, but it sure streamlined things! Plus kids at this age can be really impatient watching other kids get gifts (or they just ignore it - lol) and asking the b-day kid to share right away isn't fair.

I'd been thinking we would follow suit, but then a lot of people have been calling to ask what my child would like as a gift and now I'm wondering now if not opening in front of them is to deny them the pleasure of her reaction.

I would love to hear others' experiences with this aspect of peer parties. Tia!

[LuckyMommaToo]

I vote no, especially with that many kids at that age. But then, I live in a community where, until the age of at least six, NO one opens gifts at parties. In fact, DS just turned 7, and I'm not sure he's EVER been to a party where they open gifts.

I think it puts a lot of pressure on a 4 y.o. to open presents in front of a crowd.
-e

p.s. We do send very nice thank yous, however! You can even snap photos of your DD opening each gift and enclose/email a picture with the thank you.

[Mama Mko]

Kids always open their birthday presents at the parties I've been to. I'm not hung up on seeing kids open the present I got them, but I would like some acknowledgement after the fact if I don't see them open it.

I don't make a big deal about the other kids watching my son open his presents. If they want to run around while he does it, that's fine. If they want to sit and watch, that's fine too.

[sarahr]

We are not going to open presents at my dd's small party next week. If it's something we already have or that she doesn't like, I can't trust her to politely fake it. And if it's something she does really like she won't want to share or wait until kids leave to play with it, and that doesn't seem very social.

[Danielle283]

We always open gifts at the party, and have always had other parties do the same. I think my daughter would be heart broken if she didn't get to watch her friend open the gift she got her.

[limabean]

I'm always so tempted to do this but haven't had the guts so far. I've been to a few parties where they didn't open the gifts, and my DS didn't seem upset about it. I thought it was awesome.

Post back to let us know how it goes if you go through with it!

[zinemama]

I have not found that 4yos for the most part are capable of being happy for someone else that they got XYZ. Instead, they tend to feel jealous, want to grab the toy, start asking why they can't have one, etc. Some even cry about it.

I vote open the presents later and send thank you cards.

[ZinniaGarden]

I have never heard of a birthday party that the child did not open the presents. I can see the point that kids that age don't want to share but I think it would almost be rude to not open them. The parties we have had and have been to, most of the kids want to watch the gift opening and those that don't play or eat.

[LuckyMommaToo]

I have never heard of a birthday party that the child did not open the presents.

I just want to point out that, from reading this thread and previous similar ones, this is a largely regional thing. The OP states that of the six parties they've attended, three have not opened gifts. So it seems like in her area, it is acceptable to not open. As it is in mine!

OP, I think it's safe to say that people in your area will not see it as "almost rude," so I wouldn't worry about that (as long as you're planning on sending thank yous!).
-e

[pbjmama]

I planned to not open gifts at my ds party but 2 of his friends 'insisted' that he open their gifts. So we did end up opening. It worked out okay but is not my preference.

[pianojazzgirl]

We have always opened gifts at my dd's parties. I know when she has chosen a gift for a friend she has always wanted to see them open it. I figure the guests at her parties would feel the same way.

At one party we went to the little boy (he was turning 3) did open the gifts in front of everybody, but as soon as they were unwrapped the parents put them away, so they didn't get opened up, played with, pieces lost, etc. I thought that was a good idea (especially for younger kids).

[Purplegal]

This is my DD (age 4) favorite part of a party, to watch the birthday kid open the presents! We went to one party where they did not and she was so disappointed.
I hear you on the points on why not to though, so really its up to what you think is best for your child and the party. The way I did it was make it at the VERY end of the party, so the kids are free to play or the parents can just leave with them too....and we also hand out the goody bags (if you are doing those) while DD opens her presents, so that helps. We went to one party where the bday kid opened the presents BEFORE the cake, and that was a little hard on the guest IMO.

[MamieCole]

We just had DS1's 4th birthday party yesterday. I was planning on not opening gifts in front of everyone. About 30 minutes before the end of the party my MIL wanted to know when we were opening gifts. I said we weren't opening during the party and she and the three parents near me said they (or their respective children) were really looking forward to seeing gifts being opened. Soooo...I said we'd open gifts at 2:45, which was 15 minutes before the end time for the party. We had 9 children total, and two of them were sort of hyper and grabby during the opening, but I gently reminded them to scoot back a bit and ask the birthday boy if it was ok w/him that the help open before they rip. We did not remove gifts from their packages, just unwrapped, said "Thank you" to the gift givers, then put the boxes in a stack. Only one child asked if we were going to open the boxes and I explained that we weren't but that the next time he was over he could play w/ the toys and he was ok w/that answer.

It did cause the party to run a little longer than expected, but I think because it wasn't made into a big focus it was less of an ordeal than I thought it would be.

[OkiMom]

Ive been to a bunch of birthday parties and whether the kids open the gifts or not tends to be largely an age thing among my friends. It seems like the younger ones they don't expect or even want them to open the gifts in front of everyone, older (starting probably around 7/8) the children start opening their gifts in front of everyone.
Personally my daughter turns 4 in January and we are debating doing a party (some of my friends asked why we didn't have one last year and offered to throw her one this year since I'm due around that time and they don't want me to have extra stress, I thought it sweet) but if we do we will either 1) have her open gift as the children leave, basically when they are saying good bye Ill have her open their gift and thank them for it or 2) open them afterward and take pictures then send them a thank you card. I honestly don't think at 4 they are emotionally mature enough to seem happy just because someone got them something nice or to not want to play with the gift right away. I know if it was something really special that DD would have problems sharing and I don't want arguing at a birthday party, doesn't seem to fun.

Honestly I don't care if the child opens the gift in front of me or not. I do appreciate the parents making the time to tell me the child liked it or when I see them playing with it afterward. The only parties I go to though are ones that I'm friends with the parents since my girls are young enough still were parties are more for the parents than the kids in many cases. I think this is the first year my daughter is actually talking about and looking forward to her birthday. My youngest couldn't care less about her birthday or whether we do anything for it.

[JudiAU]

I've never been to a child's birthday party where the gifts were opened. In fact, about 70% of the parties this year have asked for no gifts at all.

[lucysmom]

I've noticed how much happier both the birthday kid and the guests seem to be at parties where gifts are opened at home later. So for DD's 6th birthday this weekend, we did that. It was just great. The kids played and enjoyed each other's company. It also made it more comfortable since we had said gifts were not expected -- some people of course still brought them, but opening them would have made the people who didn't feel cruddy.

[CatsCradle]

I just want to point out that, from reading this thread and previous similar ones, this is a largely regional thing. The OP states that of the six parties they've attended, three have not opened gifts. So it seems like in her area, it is acceptable to not open. As it is in mine!

OP, I think it's safe to say that people in your area will not see it as "almost rude," so I wouldn't worry about that (as long as you're planning on sending thank yous!).
-e

I agree. I've been to numerous BD parties in my area and presents have never been opened at any of these parties. In fact, I think people would think it odd to open them during the party. Where I grew up, however, presents were usually opened during the party. Come to think of it, most of the parties that I've been to here have been at venues outside of the home (due to the itty bitty apartments that everyone lives in here), and opening presents would be just one more thing to have to clean up before leaving. We are having a party for DD on Saturday at a little puppet theatre, and we don't plan on opening presents.

[ChetMC]

At the Party

My experience is that the young guests are extremely proud of the gifts that they've brought, and can't wait to have their gift opened by the birthday child.

We had big parties with friends from preschool / kindergarten when our oldest turned four and again when she turned six. At both parties, the gift opening was obviously important to the kids. When gifts started being opened kids ran and got the present they had brought, begged to have their gift opened next, guessed at what the gifts from other kids might be, commented on their experiences with books and toys as they were opened ("I have that book", "that bear turns purple when he gets wet") etc. I saw this kind of thing at my niece's birthday parties too.

I like that this completes the process of giving the gift. I'm not sure what it teaches young children when you just wrap a gift and drop it off in a corner at a party.

[Girlprof]

It's mixed in our areas whether kids open gifts or not. It seems to depend on the venue. But I have to echo ChetMC - for our son, this is a part of the party he loves. We didn't open gifts at his parties for a few years and then last year (turning 6) I relented. The kids were so excited about this. They all wanted to comment on the presents, wanted their gift opened, talked about whether they had a similar item at home, etc. I was sure we were entering a minefield but it was mostly ok. The kids at this age did not seem to know or care about different gifts costing different amounts. It gave everyone a chance to practice saying thank you and you're welcome. I personally find it a kind of nerve wracking part of the party but we will certainly be repeating it this year.

[CatsCradle]

I like that this completes the process of giving the gift. I'm not sure what it teaches young children when you just wrap a gift and drop it off in a corner at a party.

I can understand that point of view, but at the same time, I don't think it is the only teachable way. For example, my entire family and extended family live far away. We send each other gifts in the mail all the time. DD has learned to express her appreciation by making and mailing thank you cards. The giving and receiving is very rarely one-on-one or live. That is a teachable process too. The same for the parties that we attend where gifts aren't opened. Appropriate thank you cards or other forms of acknowledgment give the giver and receiver a chance to acknowledge or express gratitude. I don't think there is any right or wrong way to complete the process. I do think it is inappropriate, however, to fail to acknowledge the gift in some respect. That, in my opinion, is when gifts disappear into a vacumn.