DD (3) pulling friend's hair and I'm not there to deal with it when it happens

[Violet2]

DD is having sooooo much fun playing outside with the neighbor kids. We are super fortunate that our mother's helpers (live across the street) like to hang out with the young kids on our street. So we can send her out to play and know she's safe.

Today one of the girls brought her home saying she had pulled her 4yo friend's hair.

I told DD she would have to stay home, but she indicated a desire to apologize.So I let her go over and apologize and then had her come back home as a consequence.

And we had the 'friend' discussion

Good friends are gentle and kind.

We don't hurt our friends.

That kind of stuff, but I don't think it was computing. She was upset she had to come in, but since I was being calm and giving her a snack, I think she was able to kind of tune me out kwim?

So how do you handle this kind of stuff? I'm used to being around when DD does something like this so I usually know the situation and dynamics at play which makes me more effective as a parent (and the mother's helpers aren't always tuned into developmental stuff so I can't rely on their reports b/c they miss stuff due to their age--tween). But now she's older and off doing her own thing without us there and I am not sure how the discipline aspect works/changes.

Unless it becomes an ongoing issue, I'm not about to hover over her, but I do want to be effective. She's in preschool now,the younger neighbor kids are around so she's seeing aggression more often and picking stuff up from other kids. How do I counter that!?

ETA: I am going to tell the mother's helpers that DD is to be brought home for that kind of behavior--do not pass go.

Thanks
V

[Violet2]

Bump.

So I handled it perfectly? No one would do it differently?

V

[journeymom]

Yes, I think you handled it pretty well!

Three years old is still pretty young, though. I don't think she should be off doing her own thing quite yet. The mothers helpers are only tweens, correct? They're pretty young, too. I think your dd is just too young to have extended unsupervised play like that.

Yes, they should bring her back every time she misbehaves, but I predict the incidents will increase. Some of it's just normal. Three year olds can be imps.

She's in preschool now,the younger neighbor kids are around so she's seeing aggression more often and picking stuff up from other kids. How do I counter that!?

Take her out of preschool? Really, a lot of this is normal. There's nothing wrong with them. You simply need to repeat, repeat, repeat.

Good friends are gentle and kind.

We don't hurt our friends.

That kind of stuff, but I don't think it was computing. She was upset she had to come in, but since I was being calm and giving her a snack, I think she was able to kind of tune me out kwim?

Yes, that's the message she should be getting! It's normal that she didn't particularly absorb your carefully thought-out message. Just keep towing the line.

[bonamarq]

Yes you did great - the ONLY thing I would add is to try and get the four year old (during the apology) to tell your daughter that it hurt - there by ALSO teaching the other child to stick up for herself/ resolve own issues - it might be a bit much for a helper but you could ask her to do the same -

IMO it is so much more effective to have kids express these kinds of things (that hurt, i don't like that etc)
it also conveys the message to all that they don't need an adult/big person to always be the arbiter of justice and heads off the development of the tattle tale

when the victim comes to me to say so and so did such and such I ask them "well what did you say to them" I'll intervene if need be but usually try and get them to at least thinking this way...

[Violet2]

Great feedback. Thanks that's the kind of fine tuning I was looking for.

Honestly, I pulled this out of my a$$. I had no idea how to handle it and was really caught off guard.

V

[phathui5]

We don't hurt our friends.

I would revise this when you talk to her to be we don't hurt people. Not just friends. A lady we used to hang out with always said that to her three year old and I swear that what the kid got out of it was that it was then ok to hurt people if she was mad and wasn't feeling like being their friend.