almost 20 wks - I've been in a bit of denial

[akmbloom]

I mean, not total denial as in refusing to admit that I'm pregnant. I've been taking prenatals and eating healthy and going to the midwife and all that. I just haven't been feeling that ... connected to this pregnancy. Not super excited about being pregnant, although I am very much looking forward to having a baby. I'm sure there are lots of reasons I'm feeling this way (getting unexpectedly pregnant the moment I completed my PhD preliminary exams and began thinking about the dissertation; having a 5 year old; having a lot of morning sickness which I didn't have with the first pregnancy; financial stuff; my husband's chronic illness and being really busy, among them), and I do feel a little guilty and weird about it. But more than that, I have this feeling that I should be DOING SOMETHING (buying stuff, reading a book on pregnancy/delivery, registering at the hospital, I don't know). It took me ages to even look through the folder of materials the midwife sent home with me. I haven't read anything aside from the occasional "your baby this week" email newsletter and sometimes checking in at Mothering. My baby still kind of feels like an "it." (which I feel horrible typing out - but I'm not worried that I won't love this baby, or anything like that.) I'm feeling "eh" about names...

What would you do to feel more connected to your pregnancy? What do you think are the essential things a mom needs to do/have before a 2nd baby is born? (that's the other thing - I'm pretty low-key about material baby items after a totally broke 1st five years with a kid, and have a bunch of friends who've vaguely promised to give me some hand-me-downs, so I'm having trouble imagining what I should be getting/planning to get/registering for - last time I thought I needed *everything* and now I know that's not really true.) I just bought yarn to crochet a baby blanket - the first time I've spent money on baby-related anything besides maternity clothes - and we're having the ultrasound next week, so I imagine that will make me feel more connected. Let me know what you would get/do/try/read !!

[lookatreestar]

couldn't read and not post i was so tired and busy with my dd that i never really thought about the baby. my dh worked a lot and dd didn't really "get" the whole baby thing

[MaerynPearl]

nearly 41 weeks and still not totally connected to baby yet.

but FWIW I found it harder to connect with DD (second baby) than with DS (first baby) because I was so much busier. The moment she was born though... instant and strong connection.

Pregnancy can make it pretty hard to bond because... well... its not like you can see baby, or hear them, or feel them (well movements but you know...)

it can all be totally normal, do not feel bad!

[camprunner]

This happened in my last pregnancy. It was really hard to bond since I only felt her move 3 times (she kicked straight down all three times). Two other women had had late miscarriages which caused a lot of fear of bonding in myself. While we had been thinking about trying, I definately did not feel ready to be pregnant. It was hard for me to bond even after she was born. I felt like I was taking care of her and going through the motions just because it was what I was supposed to do. Luckily, she is a girl who doesn't give up and it didn't take too awfully long for me to have a closer realize, I have a much closer bond with her than my other child.

[pregnant@40]

akmbloom, I feel exactly like you. Additionally, I have a 5 yo and am in grad school. I'm worried about how having another baby is going to affect my career, personal time, and relationship w/ my first child. I'm not looking forward to the stress of the first year. Very ambivalent.

However, I've spoken to a few friends who have gone through this w/ their second children. It's apparently a very normal experience, and the bonding occurs eventually once the baby is born. None of my friends regret having the second child, and they all fall madly in love as they did w/ their first...

[Smokering]

Does it matter? I mean, it's not like it's essential to the baby's wellbeing that you fixate on the pregnancy, watch birth videos and read Ina May Gaskin and massage your tummy every day. You're nourishing and caring for the baby by default, so as long as you aren't huffing turpentine... focus on something else, if you want to! I wish I'd been a little less "into" pregnancy with DD and more able to think about/work on other things, to be honest. I'm sure once the baby's here, he or she will make his/her presence felt. There's plenty to feel guilty about as a parent once the baby wants your full attention - right no, he or she is presumably as happy as Larry.

If you really want to bond before the birth, though, maybe looking through the baby pics of your first child? Getting out the hand-me-downs? Finding out the sex at the ultrasound? Looking up a baby name site?

[PrincessWinnie]

Yeah I've kind of felt this, too. Sometimes I think it stems from having 2 previous (very early) miscarriages, I'm worried about letting myself get too attached or excited. Mostly though it's because of being busy and absorbed in other things. My 6-yo DS is in 1st grade and t-ball and it uses a lot my time, I own and operate my own business, etc so those things kind of absorb all my time and energy. When I was pregnant with DS we had that and only that to think about and plan for so it was easier to bond and feel emotional about the pregnancy.