Desperate Mama: 3y DD said stupid!!!

[Bugitamama]

Hello! I'm knew at this, so please bear with me! )

I have an only child, (thus so far) 3y DD, she is bubbly, very active, with lots of imagination and energy; has a strong character and willful personality.

She has been acting up a lot lately and being rude and mean to us; mostly to DH, and sometimes to me. Today was the draw of the short end of the straw: she said "stupid" to another girl at pre-school. Usually she is in her best behavior at school and gets along with everybody. Never have a complaint before today, even though we have said and talked to her teachers about how strong and willful she is.

We have been going through a very difficult week, because she just keeps misbehaving with us and now this. She is a very intelligent kid, -sometimes I think too much!, but the way she treats others is not nice at all!!! And of course we don't use that word at our home, and/or are, at least very conscious not to do so around or in front of her!!!

Any opinions as to how I should address this situation?

I already removed privileges; like tv and games, after many warnings and she has been mean and rude all week so far! It is a constant theme going on at our home. I am a SAHM, DH works and comes home every night around dinner time and she's always acting up and being mean to her Papa. It is almost as if she feels that my attention is not hers anymore and she gets hiper, mean and starts misbehaving a lot and not listening at all!!! uff!!!
So, since the nice talking, and explaining why we don't use those words before, it hurts our feelings, they are bad words, have to be beautiful inside-out, etc... I had to scream and threaten her saying that I would have to throw her favorite toys to the trash one by one next time she did something wrong, or was mean to me,or threw food (that's another thing she is a terrible eater, survives on milk and cheese.) her dad or anybody else... and alas!!! she said Stupid to a girl in school!!!

I am very dejected... I wanted so much to have 3 children, but after her, I don't think I want more!!! also, everytime I think we can do it, something mayor has happened... like I got a stroke last year, this year there is -yet; an unknown cause for debilitating pain in my shoulders and hips and a lot of frustration on my part since I am not I guess living my dream motherhood!!!
DD was planned, loved, prayed, wished, wanted and looked for, I dreamed of a little girl!!!
I am at a loss and I find myself screaming at the top pf my lungs more and more and feeling like **** afterwards, and getting now where with her!!!

Please any advice or similar experiences would be very welcomed!!!

[SpottedFoxx]

Oh my dear, you have a LOT on your plate and a very spirited child to boot. She's acting out and you are reacting (understandably so). Many children feed of that response.

Taking a page from Love and Logic - when my son acts out and I feel that anger bubbling to the surface (which always escalates his behavior) I just calmly say to him "I don't like the words you are using so I am going to walk away from you now". Walking away is a tool we created for him to manage anger. When he's angry he'll tell you "I walk away from you!" and he goes off to cool down. He doesn't understand "your words hurt mommy's feelings" or "that's not a nice thing to say". He does understand (because it's HIS tool) "I'm walking away now".

When your daughter acts out, you need to respond to her on a level she understands and feels. What does she do when she is angry that is positive? Does she have an outlet for anger at this time? If not, when she is not acting out and is calm, have a talk to her about expressing feelings appropriately. It's okay to be angry, frustrated, etc. however, it's not okay to say mean words or hit or kick or bite. Let's come up with a good solution for you to handle your feelings. What do you think would be a good way to manage your feelings when you are angry or frustrated (and allow her to tell you what she wants to do and then guide her if her ideas are inappropriate)?

By allowing her to develop the idea, it will stick with her more and it will be HER way of managing her feelings in a positive fashion.

There are also many age appropriate books for children with regard to behavior issues. Words are not for hurting is a great book (part of the teeth are not for biting, hands are not for hiting, etc. series). I've seen a lot in the library.

[almadianna]

hell mama. i loved this over to toddlers.

[mamazee]

So did she actually call another child stupid, or did she use the word "stupid" in conversation?

If she called a child stupid, I'd talk about how words can be used to hurt people, and that hurting people with words is just as wrong as hurting people by hitting them.

If she used the word "stupid" in conversation but not meanly, I'd tell her that there are words that people will get angry if they hear her say, and that "stupid" is one of those words.

You said she's been misbehaving a lot this week. Is this an issue that is much bigger this week? If she's 3, then it could be related to school or her new schedule. I would work on making sure she has plenty to eat in the morning, and my older dd has a much easier time behavior-wise if she has a protein-based breakfast (like eggs) instead of a grain-based breakfast (like cereal). Sometimes kids get hungry in school and don't have as quick access to food, so they act out more. You said it gets bad before dinner as well and that she has issues with what foods she'll eat, and those things combined make me wonder if it's a hunger issue. If she'll only eat (or drink) milk and cheese, I'd start by letting her have a lot of that (though I'd try to supplement with something to keep her digestive system moving along), but the first thing I'd do is work on food. If she likes milk, maybe she'd have a smoothie?

Try not to take her behavior too personally. She's just 3 and still learning about how her language and behavior affect people. If you are able to relax when you respond, she'll learn from that and copy how you act, but if you do scream at her, I'm afraid she'll learn that as well.

[tzs]

i really love the "walking away" thing because it seems to teach them how to deal when they are hurt as well.
i teach toddlers and we always have outbreaks of special words. i usually just tell them very matter-of-factly that those are potty words and if you want to use them you can go to the bathroom and say them as much as you want. i think only one kid took me up on it but you could see him through the window figuring out how not fun it was when there was no one else to listen.
but maybe it's not the most mature solution.

[pbjmama]

In your situation I would (ideally) -
Act but not react. She is gaining your attention by acting out. I would ignore most 'bad' behavior that is not physically harmful. At this age I think there is more harm than good to reacting to words. It is an experiment and she I say stupid mommy does everything she can to get me to not say that - I have alot of power! Ignoring takes away the power.

Preemptively give lots of time and attention, focus on good but not 'praise' good. Just acknowledge it in a positive way. Oh, I noticed how you shared with Sarah, that was very kind of you.

I would not remove privileges. Even if your daughter is very bright it would be very difficult for her to truly understand this type of punishment.
I would do my best not to scream and threaten. I know it is temping and sometimes I do it to but the truth is: I am the adult. I am the parent. I do not have to act out. Your child will call you on this to find out if you mean it. It is a vicious cycle.

I would also look for underlying food issues. Yes some kids are just picky eaters but perhaps it is more with your dd?

Like I said, all of my tips are ideal. We all have bad parenting days and weeks. It sounds like you have alot going on with your dd and ongoing health issues. I hope things turn for the better soon.

[SpottedFoxx]

Originally Posted by tzs

i really love the "walking away" thing because it seems to teach them how to deal when they are hurt as well.
i teach toddlers and we always have outbreaks of special words. i usually just tell them very matter-of-factly that those are potty words and if you want to use them you can go to the bathroom and say them as much as you want. i think only one kid took me up on it but you could see him through the window figuring out how not fun it was when there was no one else to listen.
but maybe it's not the most mature solution.

My son's preschool teacher did this too. He'll run to the bathroom, yell "poopy poopy poopy" dance around and come back downstairs like nothing ever happened. It takes all our effort not to roll on the floor laughing.

[tzs]

ha ha ha!!!!!!!

[tzs]

ha ha ha!!!!!!!

[ellemenope]

Oh boy. Don't beat yourself up too hard. You can't keep all bad words from her. Words are great to express your feelings. I think this is just a learning process. 'Stupid' seems like a pretty mild world to me. But, this is a great way to address how words hurt feelings. I think it could be a lot worse. FWIW my 26 month old has called books 'stupid,' a lot (in that they are boring) and has said 'g-d d-mnit' in context about 10 times now.

Originally Posted by tzs

i really love the "walking away" thing because it seems to teach them how to deal when they are hurt as well.
i teach toddlers and we always have outbreaks of special words. i usually just tell them very matter-of-factly that those are potty words and if you want to use them you can go to the bathroom and say them as much as you want. i think only one kid took me up on it but you could see him through the window figuring out how not fun it was when there was no one else to listen.
but maybe it's not the most mature solution.

We will try this.

I love this idea.

[DevaMajka]

I think removing priviledges and taking away toys will only make it worse, in all sorts of ways. When what you are doing isn't working, it seems our first reaction is to be more strict. But in reality, it just means that you have to adjust what you're doing a little bit.

I highly recommend you read some books on gentle discipline. One I LOVE is Becoming the Parent You Want to Be. Here's an article by the authors of the book, that might be helpful for you: Toddler Testing

As far as the word stupid, if it was just in conversation (and not directed at another person), I would drop it. Ds1 said some "bad" words at that age. He said "d@mn" a few times. I actually chuckled a little bit, and told him that some people would be offended if he used that word around them, and that he could only say it in front of me or dp. He has never used that word around others, and has only said it a few times in front of me.
I had a friend who's ds used a "bad" word and she made a really big deal out of it and somehow punished it. He had a LONG phase of using bad words when he was unhappy.

IF it was said to another person, I would address it the same way I would if she called someone a "meany" or something- tell her that it hurts people's feelings, and it's not ok to say to other people (My main focus in discipline is teaching dc how their actions affect other people). I'd keep it lighthearted, and expect that it could take a few times for them to comply. Since you've already sort of made a big deal of it, it might take longer for her to stop, but she will.