Are these nighttime fears real, or manipulation? Driving us crazy!

[granolalight]

My son is almost 4. Going to bed has been such a problem lately. After the whole nighttime routine, which takes a long time, like an hour, he comes back out of his room saying that he's afraid a coyote, or wolf, or monster is going to come to his window.

Although I do believe he has real fears, I also believe that he uses it to manipulate and try to think of another reason to come out of his room, to delay going to bed. Of course we do our best to allay his fears, and he's not afraid every time.

By the time he goes to bed, we are in need of time without him and it's driving us crazy!

Suggestions?

[claras_mom]

The one thing that works to keep dd1 in her room--during similar phases--has been laying down with her. She's very often asleep within 10 minutes and, so long as I haven't conked out as well we've got the rest of the evening.

I know what you mean about not knowing whether it's really real.

[meemee]

no suggestions but i did want to say that those fears are REAL.

very very real.

he is 4 - the perfect age for irrational fears. he cant help it. he can use it once in a while to manipulate you but in general a continued thing is more about the real fear. many kids at this time are afraid of the toilet or afraid to take a shower. its a time of an imagination growth spurt. so along with that comes fear magnified many times.

he needs support right now. unless your marriage is in trouble i would say do all you can to take care of him so that he gets over the phase fast at the cost of together time.

in the meanwhile keep working at trying to find ways to go to bed fearless. i think moms here have used special perfume as keep away monster sprays.

i think their hearing gets super sensitized too so they hear more or loud noises like esp. public restroom flushes are actually painful to their ears. so i can imagine him thinking he heard a coyote or wolf.

do you remember being really afraid at night? and imagining all sorts of things? and the creaking of the door making you think you hear a mountain lion? and your imagination scaring you much more.

[One_Girl]

Can you get him a nightlight, a stick to put in the window to make sure it stays tightly shut, or stay with him for a while quietly as he is falling asleep. My dd went through a stage of fearing being in a room alone if she had to turn on the lights herself or turn them off and it passed quickly when I stopped treating it as a discipline issue and just went with her and waited while she turned the lights off and on. I didn't make a big deal of it, I just went when she asked me to and was quietly there for her and she moved through her fear.

[granolalight]

OP here.

We talk to him all the time about coyotes and wolves and where they live. I've told him stories about coyote families who are afraid to come to neighborhoods and don't come anywhere near houses. We look out the window, we lock the window.

I don't mind laying with him, for a little bit. But I don't want this to become a new part of an already long routine. I need some time at night. I work full-time, I have another child and a husband who need my attention too. I am torn...

[granolalight]

Oh and he already has the closet light on and his "night music." And his little fan, which drowns out a lot of noise.

[lovesea]

DS started getting really scared around bedtime when he was nearly 4. Since then I stay in the room with him. The fears are not an issue if I am there. He falls asleep within minutes. I wonder why your ds takes so long to go to sleep. Is he still napping? If so, maybe it's time to cut the nap. Ds used to take an hour to fall asleep if he napped but once he dropped the nap, as I said, he's asleep within minutes.

[meemee]

OP i notice your dd is 10. is there any way she could help him with his bedtime routine. would she be willing to cosleep with brother (that is if its ok with you?)

[prettypixels]

I used to be so scared at night as a little girl and was ignored by my family. Honestly because of that, I'd rather err on the side of caution. For what its worth, approaching a birthday is a pretty normal time to be having sleep disruptions.

[granolalight]

DD helps when we have a babysitter, but not when we're home. Anyway, they goof around too much, and wrestle, so that probably wouldn't work.

[claras_mom]

Originally Posted by granolalight

OP here.

We talk to him all the time about coyotes and wolves and where they live. I've told him stories about coyote families who are afraid to come to neighborhoods and don't come anywhere near houses. We look out the window, we lock the window.

I don't mind laying with him, for a little bit. But I don't want this to become a new part of an already long routine. I need some time at night. I work full-time, I have another child and a husband who need my attention too. I am torn...

I hear you....I'm in the same boat.

But I have to say that for us, it's the quickest way to deal with the issue. Dd1 also has really long, drawn out bedtimes. If I lay down with her, she's usually sound asleep within 10 minutes. It's definitely something that will ebb and flow with time--dd1 is almost 6, after all--and eventually, she (and your son) won't have the same need at bedtime.

[treeoflife3]

when my brother was about that age, he got really scared at night. I can't recall what his specific fear was but he had a bunk bed so one day I hung a couple sheets from the top bunk so the bottom where he slept could be completely closed in. I told him that it was a special fortress where only me and my mom could get in and that it's magic will protect him long enough to go to the bathroom at night if necessary. After that, he got MUCH better about nighttime fears. I think it also helped that it came from me rather than my mom because kids are pretty smart about knowing parents don't believe in that kind of thing but siblings understand.

perhaps you could have your older DD do something similar? if there is no bunk bed, it makes it hard to make a nifty sleep fort, but perhaps a monster away spray like a PP mentioned or maybe a special stuffed animal or pillow. Heck, maybe even a large tshirt to be worn as or over pajamas? A little magic for him to believe in that will help keep him safe so he can sleep without you next to him.

[granolalight]

Great ideas. Thanks, y'all.