Has being a single mother made you look at men differently?

[*MamaJen*]

I want to be really careful with how I word this, because I'm not trying to slam half of the human population. But...I dunno, I feel like my experiences as a single mother have made me feel a bit distrustful of a lot of guys.
I know that there are many, many wonderful men out there. I know there are guys who are paragons of responsibility, who step up and do the things that are ethically correct, who provide for their families, who put the needs of their children ahead of their own, and so on and so forth. This is not about them.
But gosh, it just seems like there are so many little boys out there masquerading as men. And it seems like there are so many women out there fighting tooth and nail to provide the best they can for their children.
I was reading this thing about non-profits that do micro-loans in developing nations. They were saying they almost always give the loans to women, because the women are much more likely to use the loans to improve their family's situation, by investing in a small business or education. Meanwhile, when they give the loans to guys, there's a big risk that the men will spend the money on alcohol.
Like I said, there are a lot of great guys out there -- my dad is one of them, and many of my friends have wonderful husbands who truly pull their weight. And I know there's the proverbial baby mama who uses child support on manicures and designer clothing.
But I know, in real life and here on this forum, so many women who bear an incredibly disproportionate share of the burden in providing for their children, financially, time-wise, energy-wise, everything, and often, whether they're in a relationship or not.
Do you think that's an accurate assessment? If so, why? Is it our culture? Biology? What's going on here?

[brennatsi]

I was a single mom for years after I divorced the ass that I married in my teens (and, frankly, I was a single mom when I WAS married to him). Then I put my energy into getting my degree, singly parenting my daughter, working to support us. I was extremely distrustful of men. I have a great dad, too, and a great brother and great guy friends, but I was soooo burned by the aforementioned ass...
When I met the man that I am married to, I was not interested in dating or anything like it. I was prickly and bitter. And I NEEDED to be prickly and bitter, I guess. It gave me the fire that I needed to charge through those tough times. And I healed slowly over time. And it didn't hurt to meet a man who, a decade later, is still my best friend, legally adopted my daughter, and is totally supporting a family of five now while I stay home.
There are men out there that are just as disgusted and befuddled by the behavior of "those guys." The problem is, they all look alike at first. But in the end, men are people, too.

[josybear]

i think that gender-based socialization has taught us that men get to be this way, while women need to be responsible when it really counts. it's assumed by most of our kids' schools, parents, etc. that the kids need to ask mom before they can ___, right? and little girls are taught to care for others when they play with dolls, while boys are out kicking a ball around in the sunshine. there are a million exceptions, but what i see is a society that condones male irresponsibility while holding women disproportionately accountable.

maybe one day one of those rare, wonderful men will cross paths with me, but for now i'd rather be single and so have one less person to be responsible for, you know?

[singin'intherain]

I don't know the statistics, either, but I personally know a lot more irresponsible fathers than mothers, and I learned in Anthropology that world wide, women bear the vast responsibility for producing the food that their families eat. So yeah, I agree that the whole thing is very lopsided. For me, it was getting married that opened my eyes and started making me angry. When you can't just up and leave, those who are so inclined tend to be a lot more demanding and unfair. And after I got married, I started meeting a lot of other married women, and a lot of us had the same kind of relationships.

I just decided that if, as many women say, all men are basically eight year olds in grown ups bodies, I would just be single. But now that I've been single for three years, I don't really believe that- I think its just an excuse for bad behavior. We don't hear a lot of news stories about right-on fathers and husbands, but that doesn't mean they aren't out there.

[mrsjerrygarcia]

Absolutely!! I am very disappointed with men, in general. And, while I know that there are good men out there who take care of their responsibilities- and gladly- I think that they are FEW and far between, and they mostly seem to be taken.

[meemee]

me be distrustful of men? no.

women usually taking care of kids sure.

the thing is i feel we do expect a lot out of 'men'. esp. single dads. i see my ex and i found how hard it was for him to parent dd till she was slightly older. it wasnt for lack of intent. it just was he couldnt naturally figure out how to stop dd from crying. he was better than most of my friends when he took over watching her when she turned 3 months old while i went back to work. he did much better than my friend's dhs who didnt really deal with babies alone till their kids were much older. its only in the last what 50 years that a large number of men are being asked to do something that is new to them that they are trying to figure out how. they never took care of children. they had to do other things.

trying to get out of CS and not support their child is a whole different story. but no it hasnt changed my view of them.

however for me - it was good being in a marriage and relationship - because it got me over that need, that desperation. btdt, now off to another thing.

there were things i wanted to do that i couldnt do because of then dh and the family we were planning to have. but now i CAN. and in a way that DOES affect how i 'experience' men. i am on my path and they have to walk it with me or i am not willing to be with them.

so personally in a way men are less important to me now than they were before i hooked up.

however my experience is biased because i have always been around boys and men. all my best friends have continued to be of the male species. i get along much more easily with men than i do with women. i connect and interact much more easily with men than women.

[Super~Single~Mama]

Yup. I don't want another one thats for sure.

Really though, my relationship experience with my ex taught me what I want in a man (a REAL one next time please), and gave me lots of insight into what to look for as far as traits that I don't want.

So if I ever find that I'm interested in someone again (which I'm not ready yet, so it will be a while), I know what to look for I think. And I'm definitely not taking anyone's bs next time - any sign of disrespect and they're GONE.

[*bejeweled*]

Very thought provoking thread...