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Need to vent a bit. Have a friend who always seems to need to 'one-up' me.*Updated situation...

post #1 of 34
Thread Starter 
I hate talking about this, but I figure venting about it here will keep me from whining about this in rl....maybe, lol.

I have a very good friend who has a dd very close in age to mine. We do a lot together, as do our children. She's always been a little eccentric and outgoing ( which I LOVE her for btw) but lately she has been seeming to need to 'one-up' me on almost EVERYTHING I talk to her about. Mostly this takes place on facebook, lame I know. I'll post something about my dd so my mother can know and not even an hour later my friend posts something about her dd, similar, but different and always just a bit 'better' than what my dd just did( ex. I say "dd just counted to 10, I'm proud". Friend says, " my dd just counted to ten in french, yup my kid's smarter than you!") Or I'll tell her about something interesting I did or read and I'll see later that day that she has posted about it on facebook claiming it was something she did and that everyone should be super impressed with her. It has come to the point that I don't feel I can use this particular social network to convey things to my family anymore, for fear of her jumping all over it. I felt for a little while that I was just being silly or maybe jealous in a way that she seemed to be taking ideas from me and getting attention for it, but since it has been involving things about my child I'm just plain annoyed with her.

Has anyone had friends like this before? I am being too sensitive? I'm usually such a confrontation avoider but I'm feeling like I should bring it up before I let it stew for too long and ruin our friendship.
post #2 of 34
I know someone like this!

I've learned over the years to respond with "Yup, you're better than me, that's for sure!" and then grin REALLY cheesy and wait for the awkward. Then pass the bean dip

As for Facebook, I'd suggest either holding back info you'd like to share 'first', or if she shares it, jump on her wall and say 'wow that is so neat, I just mentioned that to you today and you did it already! Cool!'

After a while she'll get the hint. Or you'll at least get more talented at avoiding sharing things that you don't want her to one up or own It takes a little finesse, but it can be done!

Good luck mama
post #3 of 34
Does she seriously write "yup, my kid's smarter than yours " on your FB? Or did you tack that on to show the spirit of what she wrote? If she's writing it on her own FB then that's even more freaky, since she's basically acting like she wants to throw down with literally every parent in her friends list.

If she really is writing the smarter than yours comment, I'd just keep about your business. Every single one of your friends and family are going to think she is an annoying you know what, because that's rather strange behavior.

If it gets to you, block her. That way, should you want to, you can go to her page and see what she's up to, but you can't see any of her silly comments. If you do genuinely care about her as a friend, I might point out what she's doing (NOT ON FB) and tell her that it kind of bugs you and you don't want your other friends and family to get the "wrong impression" of her.
post #4 of 34
Thread Starter 
Oh, she doesn't say her kid's smarter than mine, she says her kid is smarter than YOU, as in smarter than everyone on her friend list, lol. If she had said her dd was smarter than mine I would have said something to her long ago.

I feel conflicted because I know she's going through a hard time. We've been friends for quite a few years and she's never done these things before. It seems to be correlating with her recent breakup with her bf. I think I may just start withholding information on facebook and see what happens. Hopefully this will stop on it's own. She's pretty much my only friend ( at least in the state) and I'm worried if I say something it'll damage our friendship.
post #5 of 34
You could always set your privacy setting on posts to exclude certain people from seeing those that might trigger the one upmanship.

(I do that to exclude my MIL from seeing posts about babies that get her hopes up waaaay to early for us lol)
post #6 of 34
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by stardogs View Post
You could always set your privacy setting on posts to exclude certain people from seeing those that might trigger the one upmanship.

(I do that to exclude my MIL from seeing posts about babies that get her hopes up waaaay to early for us lol)
This is an excellent idea! I think I will do just that! Thanks
post #7 of 34
You can also hide her, so you don't see her updates unless you specifically go to her page.
post #8 of 34
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ravensong13 View Post
Or I'll tell her about something interesting I did or read and I'll see later that day that she has posted about it on facebook claiming it was something she did and that everyone should be super impressed with her.
Okay, that's weird. I wouldn't be able to refrain from posting a comment with something like, "What a ... coincidence."
post #9 of 34
Yeah, experiment with changing your privacy settings to "hide" your status updates from her. She'll never even notice that youre not in her news feed anymore. You can always un-hide it from her later on.
post #10 of 34
"Jr. wrote a novel today...in Japanese! My 10 month old is destined for greatness!" Have some fun with it!
post #11 of 34
Maybe you could write updates about your LO directly on your mom's wall for a bit? Unless your friend and your mom are FB friends, it won't show up on her news feeds.

It's really kind of you to tolerate those comments from her. I hope you are right about this being a result of a recent break-up. I'd probably be less sensitive and say something like "Really? I guess your LO "wins" then. Your 1st place ribbon is in the mail."

Cause I'm sarcastic and snarky that way.
post #12 of 34
Ugh, that would really bug me to no end! I have to say, though, that I think I run the danger of being that person at times. If I had not read your whole post I would probably have said something like this:

My kid is a handful in many ways, but he's also very advanced in most things. I felt like I could never post things on Facebook about him potty training in 2 days at 18 months or doing math in his head (with no instruction) at 26 months. I am proud of him, he's just such a special little guy, and I feel like I can't share this stuff because it looks too braggy.

HOWEVER 2 things:

ONE: I have learned that if I am going to announce something I am really proud of (that is generally 'ahead' of his peers), I do it in my own status update NOT as a response to another proud parent's pride for their kid!! I am very careful with this one because I realize how it sounds when my cousin says "Johnny just said his first word!!!" (Johnny's 11 months, let's say) and I say "Oh, neat, Quinn said his first at 7 months and had about 50 words by 11 months...he's so darned smart". That would be beyond rude.

and TWO: Your friend is going way past that! Claiming your achievements and ideas as her own? That's pretty egregious. Patience and understanding are great virtues to start with, but you need to speak to her about how this makes you feel and if it continues you'd be best to let her go.
post #13 of 34
Maybe if you can post something on your own wall/status update about how you are not trying to brag, etc, when you post about your child's accomplishments but that you just want to share these things with family/friends who don't live nearby.

Then, take a little break from posting those kind of things for a week or two.

Once you start to post stuff again, see if she is still trying to outdo you. If so, I'd ask her outright if she is offended/bothered when you post them. If you make it seem like it may be something that you are doing, she may open her eyes to how her own comments are looking.
post #14 of 34
I'd just put her on a list of people who can't see my updates, and hide her from my feed. You have every right to post updates about your children and shouldn't let one person's...oddness...stop you from sharing them with your other friends and family.
post #15 of 34
And, if you need a chuckle, watch this...

http://mompetition.blogspot.com/2010...m-friends.html

Some moms will always be like that. Doesn't make it any easier to take them, though.
post #16 of 34
I think I have a personality defeat because I read your thread title and immediately wanted to post that I have TWO friends who do this.

Obviously, I need some therapy.

Anyway, I'm no help on FaceBook stuff but when people do things like this IRL, I just switch the conversation to them and their kid and say things like "you must be so proud." (And I think less of them as human beings if they make a habit of it).
post #17 of 34
Quote:
Originally Posted by Linda on the move View Post
I think I have a personality defeat because I read your thread title and immediately wanted to post that I have TWO friends who do this.
post #18 of 34
Quote:
Originally Posted by Linda on the move View Post
I think I have a personality defeat because I read your thread title and immediately wanted to post that I have TWO friends who do this.
Oh yeah? Well I invented one-upping, so there.

post #19 of 34
Thread Starter 
Thanks for all the great advice!

I hid her news feed and have been mostly ignoring comments and not really talking about dd. That helped for a bit until I hit my threshold for tolerance last week:S
My friend and her lo came over to our house to play and she was just a sucking hole of negativity. We had had someone try to break into our house last week and when I told her she pretty much just acted disgusted with me for being so stupid as to leave our front door unlocked while I was sitting right by it( someone walked right into our house while I was sitting and reading). She asked if my dh had yelled at me for being this dumb and that if it had been HER she would have whipped out some magical kung fu skills she supposedly had and taken care of said intruder. Yeah, sure. The evening continued with lot's of criticism from her about anything and everything I was doing/cooking/saying.

Yeah, I'm just done.

I can handle online issues for the most part but the fact that I was feeling vulnerable and shook up and she treated me like dirt was just the last straw.I told dh that I'm not going to invite her to things anymore or make a point of hanging out. I feel like I've put up with a TON of bs from her and she can figure out whatever it is that she's dealing with that's making her so mean on her own.
post #20 of 34
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ravensong13 View Post
Thanks for all the great advice!

I hid her news feed and have been mostly ignoring comments and not really talking about dd. That helped for a bit until I hit my threshold for tolerance last week:S
My friend and her lo came over to our house to play and she was just a sucking hole of negativity. We had had someone try to break into our house last week and when I told her she pretty much just acted disgusted with me for being so stupid as to leave our front door unlocked while I was sitting right by it( someone walked right into our house while I was sitting and reading). She asked if my dh had yelled at me for being this dumb and that if it had been HER she would have whipped out some magical kung fu skills she supposedly had and taken care of said intruder. Yeah, sure. The evening continued with lot's of criticism from her about anything and everything I was doing/cooking/saying.

Yeah, I'm just done.

I can handle online issues for the most part but the fact that I was feeling vulnerable and shook up and she treated me like dirt was just the last straw.I told dh that I'm not going to invite her to things anymore or make a point of hanging out. I feel like I've put up with a TON of bs from her and she can figure out whatever it is that she's dealing with that's making her so mean on her own.
Geez, she sounds really insensitive. I bet the break-in was so scary, I'm sorry that happened!

It sounds like you're making a good choice by backing off from her for now.
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