A somber question

[AFWife]

Okay...thing got really stressful around here shortly after I found out I was pregnant. I kept thinking that this entire pregnancy was a mistake and having thoughts of "I don't want this baby." Everyone kept telling me that it would get better and I'd settle in and whatnot...

I'm 20something weeks (over halfway done) and I still feel the same way.

Anyone BTDT and had it REALLY get better?

[PoppyMama]

I was VERY resentful of my 2nd until 7 months or so and then i wasnt thrilled. I'm never thrilled (well after my first) until there is a baby and i'm home. I'm sorta ambivalent right now.

[Just1More]

I'm a military wife, too. (I assume that AF means Air Force?) Anyway, my dh had just gotten back from a tough deployment. (very minimal contact...once we went a whole month without any contact at all. He went 10 weeks without mail in or out.) I got pg 9 days after he got home. And I had a 9 month old, a 2.5 yo, and a 4.5 yo. I had just gotten back into a good groove of taking good care of everyone, being what my dh needed me to be, and feeling good and happy.

And then I was pg and sick.

I wanted another baby. I told myself I was ready.

But it hit me a couple of days ago how overwhelmed I've been with the whole idea. I've had to spend this entire pregnancy defending this baby to other people (yes, on purpose, yes it's the fourth, etc), and haven't taken time to think about how I feel about it. I guess I've even felt defensive to my husband. Sorry I can't clean or cook, sorry I don't want touched, sorry for this, sorry for that. Like the whole pg is my fault.

I totally broke down a few days ago. I realized how I was feeling, and I felt really sad about it. To think that I don't want my baby? I've had a terrible time nesting and preparing...almost even believing that I'm pg. We've had a tough 9mo. Several tragedies, and a lot of travel. It's been hard to keep my feet under me anyway, let alone being pg.

Letting myself really think about it, and embrace what I was feeling helped me a lot. I'm now ready to love and welcome this new little person (who is 10 days overdue...). It will be perfect for our family, and (I see you use the phrase "helpmeet" in your siggie) I trust that God will give us just what we need. Though I am tired, and still a little overwhelmed, I am no longer blaming the baby for it.

[texmati]

I think we are in the same boat as far has having kiddos really close together. I really didn't want to be pregnant when I found out I was pregnant.

Have you had your 20 week scan, yet? It took that for me to be really excited-- When I learned the gender, saw the face, etc. It helps that it was an opposite gender from my first, so I was able to justify a little shopping and excitement. Maybe you can do some forced nesting?

I have to admit, I still spend an hour crying about not nursing my son yesterday.

I am at the place now where I can say, yes it was a mistake, yes it would have been nice to change the timing. BUT, I am excited to meet my new(er) addition.

It helps that I am surrounded by people who aren't saying anything negative-- the worst (besides my mil) was my mom who was like "It's going to be so much work! but it's ok, you have us!" .

[47chromosomes]

Ya, it was that way for me. We started things out feeling very, highly ambivalent about this baby. Now, I feel the most connected to this baby that I have ever felt towards any of my children before they were born. I feel like I already know him, and that indeed his presence has led my husband and I to work on and address things in our lives that we may have left as status quo had we not been facing having our third child. But that is just it. We've done a lot of work in our marriage and family. I have personally done a lot of work to find balance in my life. We changed some things up, and while other things are not yet resolved, we have resolved to have peace despite uncertainty, and continue working toward whatever is in store for us in the future. I do not know what kind of stress you are facing, could be totally different. And I hate to be too Polly Anna toward someone who is not me, but I think sometimes the hardest things we face become the sweetest if we let them. As in, they spur us toward change and resolution. I hope that for you. Our new little guy has a very special name picked out, solely because of the journey we've had over the last months for which his growing presence is the catalyst.

[Juvysen]

All the way through my third pregnancy I felt icky about it. We had planned to start trying the month after I got pregnant, so I couldn't figure out what the heck my problem was, but I just was not thrilled.

In fact, a week before he was born, I remember lying in my bed crying "omg, why on earth did we do this, this was stupid, what makes us think we can have three kids? I don't want another baby" but as soon as he was born it went away and now I can't imagine life without him...

[zuleicamoon]

I felt very similarly with my third. I contemplated termination up until it wasn't an option. I contemplated adoption until I gave birth. I was completely ambivalent about the whole thing, kinda checked out of the naming process, didn't prep clothes or diapers, etc...I just didn't connect with her at all. I really struggled through the labor as well because there was no end result in my mind to focus on. But as soon as she was born it all just aligned and she was mine and wanted and a needed addition to our family. Her birth taught me a lot about letting go and allowing life to happen.

[Lauren82]

This pregnancy was not planned. In fact, we were going to wait at least another year or two before trying again. I had a ton of energy. I was working on starting my own business. I felt better than I have in a loooong time.

Now...

I am exhausted beyond exhausted. I can't sleep because I worry how I'm going to manage 4 kids. My kids are very busy and spirited. I love them but they do manage to wipe me out. I feel like I am failing in everything right now. My house is a mess, I can barely cook, DH tries to give me a kiss and I feel like I just want to puke.

Then I feel guilty because I wanted one more baby so badly, especially after a really tough pregnancy loss.

It feels good to get this all off my chest.