Not sure if this is a vent or plea for advice, but I have to get it out. I have somehow allowed STBX to talk me into "trying" again, and I am so surprised and mad at myself. A similar situation happened a few months ago...we weren't attempting to reconcile, but I did agree to put all thoughts of divorce on hold, and think about everything for about 6 weeks when all I really wanted to do was move forward with filing. I finally gave him my decision (still wanted to divorce), and *thought* we were moving forward. This was about a month ago.
The entire time we've been separated, STBX has talked on and on, ad nauseum, about how he doesn't think the reasons I've given him for leaving are "valid" and "bad enough to get divorced over." He seems to go back and forth between trying to charm and cajole me back, and being angry and accusing me of all kinds of things (from stealing legal documents from our old house to having an affair...none of which is true). During the last few weeks, however, we've managed to have some really great conversations. Nothing that would make me go back to him, but I was thrilled that he was being friendly again and that he finally seemed to "get" some of the things I've been trying to tell him for years (involving our relationship issues). He even apologized and admitted past mistakes.
He's also telling me, not completely unfairly, that he didn't realize a lot of our issues were issues, so he doesn't feel he's had a chance to fix them. And he's started going to church. He hasn't gone to church, or wanted to, in at least 20 years. (Granted, he's only been a few times, so we'll see if it lasts.) AND, yet another kicker...he somehow found his wedding ring and started wearing it, even though he's refused to wear it (due to his job) for the last 12 years. When I asked him about it, he said he was wearing it because he missed me and he had been thinking about what I'd had inscribed on the inside of the band ("Always").
So, a small part of me (the romantic, loves a fairy-tale ending part) thinks all of that is sweet, and well, hey, we do have a lot of history together, not to mention that beautiful child of ours, so why not give it another go? We could go slow...it doesn't mean we're actually getting back together, just that we're exploring the option...we would definitely have to dive into our past issues and resolve them appropriately, of course...blah blah blah.
The rest of me (the logical part of me who remembers only too well what our reality has been for years) is veeerry suspicious of STBX, and is saying to my other side...what the HECK are you doing?!!
Anyway, guess which side won?
Now I'm more confused than ever. Yeah, it would be pretty great, if we could work things out and trot on our merry way through life together. And yeah, we do have a LOT of history together, from the time I was 16, and at least on the surface, we had a pretty great life (the house, the child, financially stable). I hate throwing all of that away. But I didn't just decide one day, on a whim, to walk out on all of that. It took years of the marriage and our relationship going downhill, me denying it, and then slowly waking up to how bad it was. Then even more years while I tried to fix our relationship and myself. It was bad enough when I left that it took me from March until just a few weeks ago to stop being in an almost-permanent pi$$ed-off state. Since I've left, I've been happier and more relaxed than I've been in a long time. Part of it is because I'm living with my parents, and they help with DS, plus I don't have an entire house to care for on my own...but a huge part of it is because I'm out of (and took DS out of) the toxic environment our home with STBX had become.
And I haven't missed STBX at all, in almost 6 months. I don't want him around me, physically, and I really don't want to talk to him more than I have to, even when we're having a good week. And you would think my answer to this situation would be clear as a bell after writing down everything I've just written, right? If someone else had written this, and then asked me what I thought, I know very well what my answer would be. Leave (or rather, stay left). Do not pass go. Get out.
But in a weak moment this weekend, I let STBX convince me to try again. I should be happy, or at least hopeful, but all I can think about is how I can get out of it. But if I try to get out of it, I'm afraid I'll make our relationship even worse, and I'll also prove what he told me the other day...that he thinks I have no idea what I want. Gah!! What a pickle. And I am such an idiot.
The entire time we've been separated, STBX has talked on and on, ad nauseum, about how he doesn't think the reasons I've given him for leaving are "valid" and "bad enough to get divorced over." He seems to go back and forth between trying to charm and cajole me back, and being angry and accusing me of all kinds of things (from stealing legal documents from our old house to having an affair...none of which is true). During the last few weeks, however, we've managed to have some really great conversations. Nothing that would make me go back to him, but I was thrilled that he was being friendly again and that he finally seemed to "get" some of the things I've been trying to tell him for years (involving our relationship issues). He even apologized and admitted past mistakes.
He's also telling me, not completely unfairly, that he didn't realize a lot of our issues were issues, so he doesn't feel he's had a chance to fix them. And he's started going to church. He hasn't gone to church, or wanted to, in at least 20 years. (Granted, he's only been a few times, so we'll see if it lasts.) AND, yet another kicker...he somehow found his wedding ring and started wearing it, even though he's refused to wear it (due to his job) for the last 12 years. When I asked him about it, he said he was wearing it because he missed me and he had been thinking about what I'd had inscribed on the inside of the band ("Always").So, a small part of me (the romantic, loves a fairy-tale ending part) thinks all of that is sweet, and well, hey, we do have a lot of history together, not to mention that beautiful child of ours, so why not give it another go? We could go slow...it doesn't mean we're actually getting back together, just that we're exploring the option...we would definitely have to dive into our past issues and resolve them appropriately, of course...blah blah blah.
The rest of me (the logical part of me who remembers only too well what our reality has been for years) is veeerry suspicious of STBX, and is saying to my other side...what the HECK are you doing?!!
Anyway, guess which side won?
Now I'm more confused than ever. Yeah, it would be pretty great, if we could work things out and trot on our merry way through life together. And yeah, we do have a LOT of history together, from the time I was 16, and at least on the surface, we had a pretty great life (the house, the child, financially stable). I hate throwing all of that away. But I didn't just decide one day, on a whim, to walk out on all of that. It took years of the marriage and our relationship going downhill, me denying it, and then slowly waking up to how bad it was. Then even more years while I tried to fix our relationship and myself. It was bad enough when I left that it took me from March until just a few weeks ago to stop being in an almost-permanent pi$$ed-off state. Since I've left, I've been happier and more relaxed than I've been in a long time. Part of it is because I'm living with my parents, and they help with DS, plus I don't have an entire house to care for on my own...but a huge part of it is because I'm out of (and took DS out of) the toxic environment our home with STBX had become.And I haven't missed STBX at all, in almost 6 months. I don't want him around me, physically, and I really don't want to talk to him more than I have to, even when we're having a good week. And you would think my answer to this situation would be clear as a bell after writing down everything I've just written, right? If someone else had written this, and then asked me what I thought, I know very well what my answer would be. Leave (or rather, stay left). Do not pass go. Get out.
But in a weak moment this weekend, I let STBX convince me to try again. I should be happy, or at least hopeful, but all I can think about is how I can get out of it. But if I try to get out of it, I'm afraid I'll make our relationship even worse, and I'll also prove what he told me the other day...that he thinks I have no idea what I want. Gah!! What a pickle. And I am such an idiot.
I don't even know if I care so much about what he would think, as I'm worried he'll be mad enough to try and take revenge, or even just be extra ornery, during our divorce proceedings. I'm also still having a tough time trusting myself. I wonder if I'm thinking clearly, or if I've twisted reality to fit my (wrong) perception of things. For example, STBX is fond of telling me how controlling and angry I was, and how I would yell at him, which I have no memory of. I can't deny there may have occasionally been raised voices, but I have never *yelled* or screamed at anyone in my life. It's just not in my personality. I get plenty mad, but I internalize it, I don't verbalize it.
