Thinking ahead - teen behavior

[moonlitemama]

My husband and I were discussing some things this weekend regarding things that will be coming up in the near(ish) future - dating, drinking, sex, drugs. While we hope it will be some time until our eldest is faced with these things (he just turned 11 this weekend, but is in 7th grade), we both acknowledge that these things can come up in junior high. So, I'm looking for some insight.

In case my son is ever in a situation where he feels uncomfortable, I hope that he will feel he can call me for a ride home, no strings attached. When I was a teen, I did not feel I had this option, nor the option to just crash at a friend's house if need be, which led me to some dangerous situations (driving under the influence or just plain being too tired to be driving). I don't want to repeat this with my son. However, my husband brought up an interesting point that I hadn't thought of. How to respond to the rest of the situation in these cases? If you were to pick up your teen from a party where there was alcohol/drugs/sex/etc, what is your responsibility to report the party or, if you know other kids involved, do you confront them or let their parents know? Seems like a very fine balancing act between losing your teen's trust and meddling and helping to keep other kids safe.

Any and all input would be appreciated. Thanks!

[nextcommercial]

I think you have to take it case by case. I can't imagine that I would ever go into a party that was being given, just to look at the situation. My daughter would call me, I'd go pick her up, and she'd just get in the car. I wouldn't even get out of the car.

If SHE felt like I needed to go intervene, I might. But, otherwise, we'd just go home. If I knew her best friend was in there, I'd send her back to say "my mom wants you go come home with us too".

Over the summer, her friend got in a LOT of trouble, and probably would have died if she hadn't gotten sick all over the McDonalds bathrooms, her friend's car, and her own kitchen. (I bet that was lovely) But, had I known about it at the time, I would have taken her to the hospital. Unfortunately, no adults were informed until the next day (Mcdonalds not only let her leave, they kicked her out). So, it's possible she could have died from alcohol poisoning. In THAT situation I would have intervened. But, for most, I feel like it's not my child, and if I were to intervene, I would cause my daughter and her friends not to trust me. I think there is an age of consent, and personal responsibility. Kids need to learn young that they are going to be held liable for their mistakes. If they hurt someone else on the road because they are drinking, smoking pot, texting, talking... anything like that. They will be the ones left to live with what they have done. We teach them personal responsibility when their mistakes are still small.

I have never had to do anything with my own child, because she doesn't go to those parties. She goes to marching band events, and church events. It's not because I raised her like that, she just prefers it. It's her choice. I got lucky!

[mtiger]

Both of my kids know that they can call me any time, day or night, should they need to be picked up from an iffy situation. My oldest doesn't drink at all, my youngest will on occasion (but mostly at home). Their friends know that I can be called if they need help - and have. Unless there is some imminent danger, I don't go calling their parents, but I do encourage the kid(s) to talk to them.

Originally Posted by nextcommercial

I have never had to do anything with my own child, because she doesn't go to those parties. She goes to marching band events, and church events. It's not because I raised her like that, she just prefers it. It's her choice. I got lucky!

As an FYI... Marching band has "those" kind of parties, too. Nor is it the 100% wholesome activity that it may be portrayed as. Lots of band kids are into the same things other kids are. Just a word to the wise...

[moonlitemama]

Thank you, both, for the input. I agree with what you are both saying - that's where I had been coming from. I would love for my son's friends to be comfortable with calling me, too. I feel that kids are going to experiment and that's fine as long as they know their limits and know they can turn to me for help. I do think it needs to be a time when they learn and they take responsibility.

What really threw me, talking with my husband, was he mentioned What if you pick up your kid and you see others drinking, etc and you just drive away, then later you find out they drove and killed someone/themselves. Would you, as an adult, be responsible?

[nextcommercial]

Originally Posted by mtiger

As an FYI... Marching band has "those" kind of parties, too. Nor is it the 100% wholesome activity that it may be portrayed as. Lots of band kids are into the same things other kids are. Just a word to the wise...

No. These are all the supervised parties that parents plan and have chaperoned. I'm well aware of what these kids are involved in on their off times. But, she's either at home, at school, at work, or church.

I was the kid who was at the other parties, and I wouldn't tell my daughter she couldn't go to those parties. She just made her own choice not to go.

[AmaraMonillas]

It depends on the age of the kids and level of danger on whether I would interfere.
If it was a big party with lots of alcohol and drugs and it was 7th or 8th graders, then yeah I would put an end to the party. If it were a handful of kids the same age sharing some beers, I would probably give them all info on alcohol poisoning, let them know I am not telling their parents this time but if experimentation progresses much and I think they are really endangering themselves, I will.

I also want to be available as a ride to friends. While I wouldn't walk into a party of HS Jrs/Seniors, before I left I would have my child see if anyone else needed a ride/or was really ill. At this age my children would be very well versed with signs of alcohol poisoning. I would let them know how they can get medical help without fear of legal repercussions (besides calling me... I'll look it up in our state codes to make sure I am accurate).

And to answer your last question, I am sure I would struggle with guilt and maybe question my choices if something horrible happened after I was there. Legally, no I wouldn't be any more responsible than any other adult driving down that road.
I just think that over the many teenage years I expect to parent, if I am known as a safe parent to call (not "cool" like I provide alcohol or tell drug stories of my youth - which are nonexistent) I am far more likely to prevent a horrible accident. If I am the parent that always shuts the parties down, I just won't end up being called for rides.

[harrietsmama]

I think it would depend on the situation,


The thing I am struggling with, being in the same spot as you - getting ready, is that it's illegal for me tot each my child what drinking responsibly feels or looks like. this among other things where the law becomes involved over a parent's good judgment is mind boggling for me. How do we navigate with out putting ourselves at risk?

mtiger, can you expand on that? With the drinking at home? Do you allow it or just know it's happening? I want to be able to hand my kid a beer so he can get over the fuss and not end up hurt or in trouble, while not necessarily encouraging it. Tightrope!

[mtiger]

Originally Posted by nextcommercial

No. These are all the supervised parties that parents plan and have chaperoned. I'm well aware of what these kids are involved in on their off times. But, she's either at home, at school, at work, or church.

Keep on thinking that. My oldest was in band, and I've heard plenty of stories about how "wholesome" an activity it is. Lots of stuff also happens during games and competitions. A word of caution - don't ever borrow a "band blanket", 'cause you don't know where it's been.

Seriously - even those one considers the BEST group of kids do surprising things. My youngest goes to what she affectionately calls "nerd school". All the parents think the kids are too smart, too good, too wholesome to have "those" parties, smoke, drink, do drugs... have sex. Little do they know. Even nerds smoke, drink, do drugs - have sex - and have "those" parties. How do I know? My daughter and her friends tell me, and I've witnessed it. I was surprised at first. Then I tightened the reins just a tad, made sure I kept those lines of communication open, and make sure they all remember they can call me. Any time, day or night.

And really, I don't know why it should be a surprise. Even "good" kids do stupid stuff.