How do you manage your anger and keep your cool?

[msmiranda]

** decided to delete this post since it is just too personal **

if anyone has general advice about keeping your temper when you have a short one, I'm happy to hear it.

[phathui5]

Walk away.

Shut up. Seriously, just bite your tongue.

Take a "time-out."

Find someone you can be accountable to for the way you're talking to your child, someone who won't support you yelling.

[msmiranda]

Ok, that was a bit harsh. I'm asking for *help* here. It's hard to unlearn everything you learned about how to interact in the world.

[Tway]

DD is 11 months and I lose my cool in the middle of the night sometimes. After being up for hours for the nth night in a row, and having my hair pulled and face poked and whatnot all night long, there are times I just lose it. I punch the bed. I yell. I even, yes, shamefully, tell her to shut up. To GO TO SLEEP.

In the morning I'm horridly ashamed. My little girl, who is so good in every other way, doesn't deserve to be spoken to like that. But like you, I swear to do better, and then the night comes that I'm exhausted again and in the heat of the moment I turn into angry-mom.

I don't know what to do about it. I've asked DH to step in and take DD away into the other room on nights that I've had enough. I try to remember that she'll grow out of it. That she's a baby. That I'm supposed to be her rock. I hate that I have this switch in my head that I allow to go off.

My parents weren't yellers or violent in any way. I don't even remember them fighting between themselves. I think this lack of patience is a character trait. I'm stubborn and like predictability, and when 1+1 doesn't equal 2--when I do everything right and DD wakes up anyway--the frustration builds up and I'm unable to let the steam out slowly.

I just wanted to tell you that you're not alone, that it's hard being a parent sometimes, and that we're obligated to make these situations better. We have to dig for that patience. And we will F up royally sometimes. But we have to shift our thinking. We have to find other ways to cope. As the PP said, be accountable to someone. Have them tell you it's not OK. Talk openly about how you feel and how you'd rather handle the situation next time.

I think I'm going to tattoo "This too shall pass" on my arm and smack myself in the head with it whenever I feel the patience going.

[Tway]

Oh! I just saw you deleted the post. I thought it took guts to admit how you felt. Far better than to hide it. I'm sorry you felt the need to delete your post, and I hope I could help, even a little.

[Violet2]

Practice.

I screw up.

I try to do better.

I do better bit by bit by bit.

DD goes through a phase that is a better match for me so I can actually get good practice so when she goes through a phase that does not match me at all, I am less likely to Lose It.

I just try to remember, I was yelled at. I come from a family of yellers and it is imprinted in me. So it's really a case of changing something that was ingrained in me from a young age, it's not easy to change, but I can see how much progress I've made.

I was not raised with GD, kwim? So this is all very new and sometimes against grain of who I am.

Also sleep deprivation is eeeeeevil.



V

[Essie]

Sounds dumb, but counting to 10 to yourself can work. You are not alone. I don't know what you wrote, but it can't be too far away from how I've behaved and then hated myself before the yelling was over. I've felt like a disgusting monster at times--seriously. This comes from a person who has been told her whole life how patient, mellow, and compassionate she is!

I think it's so hard sometimes b/c not controlling anger is all about what is going on with us, whether it's lack of sleep, stress, feelings about partner, our past, etc. It is sooooooo hard to just step back when you are in the moment of being angry. Sometimes is has helped me to leave the room and remember how sh*tty I will feel if I go off the deep end and go nuts verbally.

I wish you the best

[msmiranda]

Thanks all. I guess I felt a little exposed and like maybe everyone else here does a much better job than me of not losing their temper. I came from a family with a mom who had a short temper and a father who was very mellow and laid back, and who I did I turn out more like? My mother, of course. And she was like her own father, and on and on.


I'm feeling especially vulnerable right now because my DS1 is 3 and very spirited, which is a tough combination. I see my anger problems manifesting in him -- he sometimes deals with anger by throwing things, which I am ashamed to admit he has seen me do on occasion -- and it just makes me feel worse about myself, like I've permanently screwed things up and there is no way to make it better now. I know I have to be better, and I want to be better, but it is really hard. I will try the counting to 10 trick and I will try going into another room when I feel I am about to lose my temper, just to start, and see how those work.

[journeymom]

So you have a three year old and a one year old? Cut yourself some slack. This is one of the hardest trials in parenthood. You're in the trenches right now and you're trying to survive. It's going to get a little better simply because your kids will grow and become less physically demanding.

My kids are 15 and 11 years old. When they were still preschoolers I was screaming all the time. It was exhausting to me and always left me shaking. I started taking an antidepressant and a mood stabilizer when they were five years and one year old. Dh and I worked very hard to get the youngest sleeping in his own bed when he was a year and a half.

Good uninterrupted sleep, medication and a lot of meditation helped me survive.

The rest is just trying to 'behave myself', behave like a decent person. Trying, failing, trying again, over and over. It becomes a habit. I'm a much, much nicer person.

Seriously, three year olds are demanding.

[Violet2]

1.Sometimes I am really sucking at this parenting gig. But I know I'm doing the best I can.

2.I apologize to my DD when I screw up. As a result she is really good at apologizing, way ahead of her peers.

3.I tell DD when I don't like my own behavior and share that I don't want her to do it. I tell her to do better than me. This is a long range thing, I don't expect her to do this, but I want to plant the idea in her head that she doesn't have to be like momma, she can be better kwim?

4.I don't accept poor behavior in DD. She sees that I don't accept it in myself (per 1-3) so I feel I'm consistent in expecting her to do better. I redirect, we discuss etc... all that good stuff.

We have a song we sing, 'don't give up before you try'. It is SO funny when I am getting exasperated beyond all reason by something silly, DD starts singing it to me. That helps alot. We are both perfectionists and get mad when thing don't go right, this song allows us to help each other.

V

[kiwiva]

I don't think the first response you got was meant to be harsh. Seriously, just biting my tongue, saying nothing and walking away sometimes is the BEST thing I can do. I did it today actually and it worked like a charm. And I have been known to put myself in time out. Of course they often follow when you do that, but just walking away can sometimes give you enough space to keep control.

Deep breathing is something that works really well for me, if I remember to do it, that is. If you combine that with counting to 10 it's even better! It can immediately remove some of your stress even if DS is screaming and carrying on. There is an immediate physical relaxation reaction when you concentrate on deep breathing.

Have you read Playful Parenting? I need to read it again to remind myself I think, but sometimes it works really well to diffuse a situation to be silly rather than losing your temper (takes some practice but it can be very effective).

Another thing to try is when you feel like yelling, whisper instead. Sounds crazy, but it can stop the child in his tracks, get his attention, diffuse the situation and it won't escalate it.

Try to give yourself a break. I think most parents lose their temper and especially if we are overtired and not getting any me-time. Try not to beat yourself up over it, it won't help. I apologize to my DD if I lose it, so she understands that is not acceptable behavior.

Have you tried Rescue Remedy or something like that if you are feeling stressed a lot? Three is TOUGH. You have not permanently screwed anything up. Please try to not think that way. DS could be throwing in anger whether he saw you do it or not. DD has been known to do it and she hasn't seen us do that at all. Perhaps teach him to jump up and down or punch a pillow or something if he is very angry, rather than throwing things.

[phathui5]

Originally Posted by msmiranda

Ok, that was a bit harsh. I'm asking for *help* here. It's hard to unlearn everything you learned about how to interact in the world.

This is advice I've had to use myself. When I say "shut up," I mean when you know that what you're going to say to your child will be critical or yelling, just don't talk. Commence with the tongue biting.

I hope you didn't delete your post because of how my response came across. I'm not posting as someone for whom gentle discipline comes naturally, but rather as someone where it's something I work at every day.

[msmiranda]

In the spirit of sharing successes, I decided yesterday that I was going to turn over a new leaf and had my first trial in the afternoon when picking DS1 up from day care. He didn't want to leave and it sometimes takes a bit of coaxing to get him in the car. Yesterday that wasn't working so I had to carry him to the car, which he hates. He had a stick in his hand and was kind of waving his arm and ended up hitting me in the mouth with the stick. Physical pain is my biggest trigger for losing it completely. But I didn't. Instead of cursing or yelling, which is often my reflex (I mean seriously a reflex, like it happens before I have had time to have a conscious thought), I said "ow!", continued strapping him into the carseat, said "you are in big trouble," (not the best thing I could have said, but much milder than other things I have said in the past in similar situations) and got behind the wheel. Then I said that I was very hurt and disappointed that he had hit me. I showed him the red mark that appeared above my lip and said, "this is what happens when you hit. You really hurt Mommy." Then I let it drop. When we got home, as I was getting him out of his seat I asked him to kiss my boo boo, which he very sweetly did. And that was it.

We had a great evening and a lovely day today, as I have made a really strong effort to be gentle and validate his feelings and see things from his perspective. It got immediate, visible results, and I was like, why wasn't I doing this before? I think I was just letting life get in the way too much and needed to slow down and spend more time connecting. I'm sure that I will have bad days in the future, but I will remember how much better today has felt than most of the past few weeks and continue to give it my best.

[norasmommy]

That is a touching response, and very well stated. I wanted to let you know that I too have had many moments where I have lost my cool and behaved in a way that I definitely would not consider good parenting. I'm a counseling student and have even studied how to validate feelings, etc. and I still find it so difficult in the heat of the moment. My daughter is 3 years old, and very spirited as well. She is so sweet and loving and I wanted to bring out the best in her, rather than get mad at negative behaviors. I hope to try some of the things discussed in these posts when I feel myself becoming upset. Anyway, thank you for sharing so honestly. Parenting is such an amazing journey.

[lookatreestar]

i didn't see the op, but some days i am barely surviving, sometimes saying things i shouldn't, and sometimes getting really really angry.

i think your last update really hits the nail on the head. you must step back, ask for help, get the time for yourself, get rest or whatever it is you need to be the patient, better parent.

today was a really hard day for me i was physically not feeling well and it showed. hopefully everyone will rest well tonight and tomorrow will be better. honestly this is soo hard, if it was just the 3 year old it would be hard, but add in the 16 month old and some days i am pulling my hair out!!

oh and i also do go back and talk to my dd about what happened, feelings, apologizing etc.

[Iucounu]

Check out the Nurtured Heart Approach. It works! Not only will your kids eventually become better behaved, you get out of the habit of being-angry-to-get-them-to-behave-- and you will quickly feel calmer, and realize that it was after all just a habit, fed by a negative-feedback loop in which you were trapped with your little one.

[Essie]

Originally Posted by Violet2

1.

3.I tell DD when I don't like my own behavior and share that I don't want her to do it. I tell her to do better than me. This is a long range thing, I don't expect her to do this, but I want to plant the idea in her head that she doesn't have to be like momma, she can be better kwim?

V

This is sooooooo right on and important! I've worked really hard to do this as well and I haven't done a good enough job of it. Very good advice.

[amberskyfire]

I just want to thank you for posting this, even if you did end up deleting it. I just came here to post about the same thing asking for help in controlling and calming myself. This thread is helping me so much! My daughter has been driving me insane for the past few days and I only just realized today that it's really not her, it's me. She can't control herself, but I can, so that makes it my job as the adult to do so. I'm starting to feel a lot better just knowing that both of us are normal and that I actually am in control, even if I don't feel like it sometimes.

Thanks! I guess we are all learning together.

[SpottedFoxx]

I didn't see your OP but I come from the same type of household. We are unlearning bad behavior and relearning good behavior. It's not easy.

I find reminding myself that he's only a child.
It's not personal.
He's doing it because of "x".

If that doesn't work - I'll give myself a time out... literally. I'll sit on the time out step which usually stops my son in his tracks. "Mommy, why you on the step, you bad?" No sweetie, Mommy is getting angry and I need some quiet time so I don't make bad choices". Okay Mommy. I leave you alone. I like good choices.

We typically come out of those situations with a much better attitude for the rest of the day (as you pleasantly discovered).

[Kristin0105]

I think for some people it helps to pretend someone your really respect is in the room with you. You would probably hold it together if they were there so it may help to pretend they are.

If you feel you have a short fuse try taking some fish oil. Seriously, it can really help. Get the largest dose of EPA you can find. Try to achieve about 1,000 units of EPA a day. You may have to search as most have low doses of EPA but vitacost dot com has one with just over 1,000 units of EPA.

Get enough sleep. If your short -tempered because you are not resting enough can you find a neighborhood kid to come play with your children while you take a nap? 10 year olds can be great playmates and usually will do it for a really reasonable rate.