help with 3year old crying/whining for everything

[mommy22boys]

My 3 yo DS whines ALL day long for every little thing. He does not take no for an answer. He just starts whining and crying and asking for whatever it is he wants over and over again. Even if it is something that I would gladly let him have if asked for in a nice normal voice, he screams for it in a whiny voice. If I tell him to talk in a nice voice, he doesn't, just whines and whines. I just want to scream back at him as loud as I can. How do I stop this? It's like no matter what we are doing or how much fun we are having something always makes him cry and whine, and then he doesn't stop for the longest time. It sucks the fun out of everything we do. I have absolutely no idea what to do. Any advice?

[phathui5]

Say it with me, "I will not give you ______ when you are whining/crying. You may ask me this way: ___________________."

Then don't cave. Do not give him whatever it is he's whining for while he's continuing to whine/cry about it.

Three is a hard age. I think this is an important time because he's going to learn how to communicate with you here. You can sucessfully teach him how to communicate his needs without being bothersome.

[ssh]

I've said "I can't understand your words, can you use a friendlier voice?" If I understand what my DD is asking for I get it anyway regardless of her tone and just quietly let her know shes hurting my ears or her tone could hurt my feelings. Calm comments on inappropriate behavior said over and over 100s of times seem to be really effective. If I say no and she protest I say "I'm sorry you're sad. We can xyz later or we can't xyz because it's dangerous/(whatever real reason)" and move on. I don't ignore her, I just offer sympathy she's disappointed without focusing on the issue she's sad about. It's as if continuing to talk about the thing they want gives them hope we'll change our minds or makes them feel worse ..... not sure. I think it's hard to argue with a "wow, I'm sorry you're so sad/disappointed/ whatever emotion". I also sometimes ask if she wants to help me with something or go outside or for a walk

Kids go through phases where they are more emotional or have other issues, then the phase goes away for awhile until a different one comes. Don't take it personally. If your DS is upset he probably isn't choosing to be, it's something that's happening to him. If I remember right just barely 3 was emotional for DD but a couple of months into 3 she started labeling her own emotions, "I'm angry!!" and things got a lot better.

[mommy22boys]

Thanks for the quicky replys!
I do tell him that I can't understand when he whines, or tell him exactly what to say in a nice voice, but it doesn't stop him. And I don't cave, But then since he keeps whining it just drags out for so long and then I feel like I just turned something so small into a huge deal. And he doesn't learn not to whine from this, because the next time he wants something he can't have he does it all over again...

[mommy22boys]

Originally Posted by ssh

If I understand what my DD is asking for I get it anyway regardless of her tone and just quietly let her know shes hurting my ears or her tone could hurt my feelings. Calm comments on inappropriate behavior said over and over 100s of times seem to be really effective. If I say no and she protest I say "I'm sorry you're sad. We can xyz later or we can't xyz because it's dangerous/(whatever real reason)" and move on. I don't ignore her, I just offer sympathy she's disappointed without focusing on the issue she's sad about.

If I still get it for him won't that encourage his whining, or not give him a reason to stop since he is getting what he wants anyway?
When I say things like "i'm sorry you're sad..." it makes him even more mad. He starts crying or yelling louder...

[ssh]

Remember it's a phase and it will go away........

The next phase may be less annoying. My almost 5 year old is going through an imaginary friend, sibling and pet thing and talks about them all the time. Also when I tell her no about something one of her imaginary people often does it or gets it or they do dangerous stuff. It's much less annoying than whining or tantrums or even just the huffy "I'm going to MY room". Just be a broken record with a calm "whining/shouting hurts my ears and my feelings. Can you use a friendlier voice?" and "I'm sorry you're sad. Would going outside(something fun or calming) for abit make you feel better?". The calm replies model the kind of voice they should use and the repetitiveness shows consistency and I think it becomes too boring to try to argue with. Of course my DD now tells my DH he's "hurting my ears and my feelings" when he yells while watching sports.

[ssh]

Originally Posted by mommy22boys

If I still get it for him won't that encourage his whining, or not give him a reason to stop since he is getting what he wants anyway?
When I say things like "i'm sorry you're sad..." it makes him even more mad. He starts crying or yelling louder...

You seem to be assuming he is having emotional outburst by choice. People whine because they are grumpy and emotional. Modeling the behavior you want to see works better than making a big deal out of annoying behavior. You don't want to give the act of being whiny too much power by letting it effect what you permit. If I say no about something it's for a valid non-subjective reason, a person's tone of voice is very subjective. Hey my DH is whiny when he feels bad. I don't know why sympathizing or labeling your DS's emotion makes him react more, but labeling the emotion and your DS learning to label his emotions will help him learn to feel more in control when he has strong emotions. Maybe your DS is one of those people who calm down better when left alone. My DD does sometimes. We often as a family say "I'm sorry you feel bad/are tired/ are sad/ etc." as a way of showing sympathy, so it's not just something we say to her.

[mommy22boys]

postd twice.

[mommy22boys]

Originally Posted by ssh

Remember it's a phase and it will go away........

The next phase may be less annoying. My almost 5 year old is going through an imaginary friend, sibling and pet thing and talks about them all the time. Also when I tell her no about something one of her imaginary people often does it or gets it or they do dangerous stuff. It's much less annoying than whining or tantrums or even just the huffy "I'm going to MY room". Just be a broken record with a calm "whining/shouting hurts my ears and my feelings. Can you use a friendlier voice?" and "I'm sorry you're sad. Would going outside(something fun or calming) for abit make you feel better?". The calm replies model the kind of voice they should use and the repetitiveness shows consistency and I think it becomes too boring to try to argue with. Of course my DD now tells my DH he's "hurting my ears and my feelings" when he yells while watching sports.

That's true. I never thought of that. So, just because he does this now doesn't mean he is not hearing me and learning, and he will never take no for an answer for the rest of his life. OK so yeah I guess I won't worry so much about encouraging his whining when I "give in" to what he wants, but just let him know that it hurts my ears and is not nice, but not make such a big deal about it by insisting that he has to say it nicely to get what he wants. And eventually he will realize that whining is not nice since even though I give him what he is asking for, I tell him the way he is asking is not nice. This makes a lot of sense. For some reason just reading your last post made me realize this. Thank you, that really did help me.

[ssh]

Originally Posted by mommy22boys

That's true. I never thought of that. So, just because he does this now doesn't mean he is not hearing me and learning, and he will never take no for an answer for the rest of his life. OK so yeah I guess I won't worry so much about encouraging his whining when I "give in" to what he wants, but just let him know that it hurts my ears and is not nice, but not make such a big deal about it by insisting that he has to say it nicely to get what he wants. And eventually he will realize that whining is not nice since even though I give him what he is asking for, I tell him the way he is asking is not nice. This makes a lot of sense. For some reason just reading your last post made me realize this. Thank you, that really did help me.

Exactly. And you're welcome

Not only is he hearing everything you are saying and learning from all you are modeling, as he gains more impulse control and learns to deal with his emotions you will hear him repeat to you what you've been telling him and see him doing the behaviors you've been modeling. Once my DD turned 4 we really noticed how much she had been listening.

[mommy22boys]

Yeah, he actually already says the same things we say to him to his younger brother when his brother is doing something he's not supposed to!