Very severe "stage fright" in 6 year old daughter

[carfreemama]

This is happening in school, so hope it's okay to post here.

I have a very outgoing, generally bubbly dd who is, for some reason, TERRIFIED of speaking in front of her class. Actually, it's not even in front of her class; it's just standing up at her seat to do show-and-tell.

She has to present an item and talk about it, based on a different theme, each week.

And it is making her completely hysterical (is there a better word)? I'm talking sobbing on the couch, waking up in the middle of the night crying, that sort of thing.

We try to break it down into very small, non-threatening steps over the course of the week. We try to practice. She doesn't even want to do that. She has a very gentle teacher she loves. Last week, at dd's request, I spoke to the teacher ahead of time to let her know about dd's fear. She got through it. I thought it would be easier after the first time, but it's worse.

I don't know how to help her. The whole point of this exercise is to get the kids comfortable speaking in front of their peers.

Dd does not strike me as an anxious child in other ways. She makes friends easily and doesn't seem "shy." This seems to be a very specific fear. She was also very afraid to sing in the holiday concert last year, but got through it. I know this is a very common fear, I just don't know what to do about it. She honestly seems terrified.

I do have a worry in the back of my mind that she is inheriting my anxiety disorder, although I am actually very comfortable speaking in groups. I can see the full-blown panic attacks in her on this, but they don't seem to be evident in other areas of her life. It's the whole "what if" thing she goes through, when I ask what she's specifically afraid of.

This is going to be a major part of homework/school for her for months. How can I help her?

[lucysmom]

Seems like it's important first to just acknowledge that she really really doesn't like this particular exercise, and then give her coping strategies to deal with that fact, rather than trying to persuade her that it's just fine (not that you remotely suggested you were doing that).

A couple ideas:

(1) Ask her what the worst case scenario would be. Completely forgetting what she was going to say? Other kids being bored? Something else? Then make a plan how to deal with those possibilities.

Forgetting what she was going to say > "I can't believe I forgot my presentation!" and laughing. Just a strategy for handling the moment.

Other kids are bored > "Not everyone is interested in mushrooms, but to some people including me, they're a fascinating world in themselves," and sit down.

(2) If in fact she does not have any specific fears or worries, but is just tremendously uncomfortable, I think it's good to acknowledge that many people are, and probably many of the other kids are. Maybe give her the assignment to watch and see if anyone else might be nervous, and report back to you on how they coped with it.

Then I would just stress that it is all going to be over extremely quickly, and the goal is to get to the end. Maybe the teacher can let her go first so she can get to the end right away and not have to sit there anticipating it throughout other people's presentations.

Good luck -- she's lucky to have a parent who listens and cares.

[carfreemama]

Thanks for the suggestions, lucysmom. We've done a lot of what you've suggested, but one I can see helping is asking her to report back on other kids being nervous. One time when she was really little, in dance class (which she loved), she was scared because the kids had to "dance to their parents" on their own at the end of each class. For the first few classes, she didn't do it at all and then she did. I asked what had changed and she said "I watched the other kids and decided if they could do it, so could I." So asking her to observe how the other kids are handling this is perfect!

We've tried to acknowledge her fears, without making a big deal out of her being afraid; if that makes sense. I've told her the teacher said lots of the kids were nervous. Unfortunately, I know all too well that panicked place where you just can't hear anything at all. And I know sometimes, exposure therapy doesn't work and it just gets worse. I also have tried giving her something special to look forward to right after her presentation; again, because that helps me when I'm scared. Mostly, though, we've just acknowledged that it feels yucky to be scared; but she has to do it anyway.

I do wonder if maybe NOT practicing might be worth trying. Maybe we're just dragging out the "ordeal" for her, rather than desensitizing/making her more comfortable. I think it's the actual experience, rather than worry about being unprepared, that has her so wound up. Hard to say. I just don't want this to ruin her time at school.

I had one other thought; maybe getting a couple of her friends in class who she's really comfortable with to practice their presentations a couple of times during the week? I don't think she'd go for that yet, but maybe work up to it?

[GoBecGo]

I wonder if stopping doing them when she is still so scared would actually make her less able to attack things she fears in the future? Like doing it a few times until it is less scary might help more than "giving in" to the fears when they are still so strong...?

I think asking/watching other people to see how they handle their fears might help - undoubtedly some of the other kids will be feeling fearful too.

Have you talked to her about YOUR fear? Can you tell her of a specific time you felt fear like she is feeling and how you overcame it? When my DD is fretting over something i try to recall a time i felt as she does, and share my story with her, it seems to have a far deeper effect than anything else. But then my kid is one who LOVES narrative, and i think hearing mine helps her create her own about how something is GOING to be. For my DD i told her the truth...i am an excellent, confident public speaker...because i can act. I have plenty of fear, but i have learned how to disguise it, as most people do. Many people LOOK super confident about such things, but many of them are probably terrified but good at acting.

When i was a kid i HATED reading aloud. I read several grades ahead of my peers and had no reason to be afraid but i was. I hated them all looking at me, i hated the idea that i might stumble over a word or make a fool of myself. My mother tried everything she could to help and nothing did, i would still get up with a knotted stomach that morning every week. Eventually she sat me down and said "i know you're scared, but it's only 10minutes of your life, and you'll feel so proud of yourself when you've done it. So if you're scared BE scared, but don't let it stop you". That is kind of my motto now!

[carfreemama]

Thanks, GoBecGo. More good ideas. Just to be clear, I would not let her skip the actual show-and-tell. I was just wondering whether our efforts to diffuse things by having her practice and work on the presentation over the week, rather than all at once, was backfiring at this point.

The narrative is a good idea. I do this with describing things like getting in trouble when I was a kid and dd LOVES those stories. We have definitely talked about being afraid and doing it anyway. I do think we need to find a way to help shrink the fear down so it's manageable, without dismissing it. We'll see how she is today, since today is her show-and-tell. It's just a hurdle she has to deal with somehow.

[4evermom]

Originally Posted by carfreemama

Thanks, GoBecGo. More good ideas. Just to be clear, I would not let her skip the actual show-and-tell. I was just wondering whether our efforts to diffuse things by having her practice and work on the presentation over the week, rather than all at once, was backfiring at this point.

That was my thought. It's a good first step but having done that without it being helpful I might just not do any prep beyond asking her what she picked for show and tell. My ds gets annoyed with too much warning and with not enough... What seems to work is letting him know a few days or a week or something (say about an upcoming dentist appointment), then reminding him the morning or afternoon of the day before. Too much talk makes it worse. He doesn't want to think about something unpleasant all week and it just gives him the opportunity to get more worried about it.

[carfreemama]

Well, she did it and she said it was "fun, fun fun!" She got excellent feedback from her teacher, too.

Not sure what this means. She was literally sobbing through the night with worry and freaked out for the past 2 days. Oh well. Thanks for all the suggestions. I think we'll be keeping it low-key this week.

[GoBecGo]

Originally Posted by carfreemama

Well, she did it and she said it was "fun, fun fun!" She got excellent feedback from her teacher, too.

Not sure what this means. She was literally sobbing through the night with worry and freaked out for the past 2 days. Oh well. Thanks for all the suggestions. I think we'll be keeping it low-key this week.

My dad always tells me "if you don't have a sense of humour, don't have kids" Good for you for trying so hard to find solutions for her

[amcal]

Just for future situations, I've found it's helpful to talk to the teacher. Often times, lots of other kids are feeling the same way so if the teacher were to address the entire class - maybe asking a show of hands as to how many kids are nervous or some other exercise to get the kids to see that probably everyone is feeling the same way may be helpful.

The teacher can then address some concerns, talk to the kids about coping strategies, talk to the kids about supporting each other through the experience etc...

[carfreemama]

Thanks, amcal. Something tells me this won't be the end of it.

She doesn't SEEM all that dramatic to me, or anxious. The feelings are normal, I know; they're just so extreme! The poor child seemed to be having full-blown panic attacks from this. The same thing happened before this presentation last week and she felt better for a day or so, but it didn't ease her anxiety about doing the same type of thing again this week. If it persists, I think I will talk to the teacher a bit more. I know one of her friend's dads said his little girl woke up with a "sore throat" the day it was her turn...It must be pretty stressful for a lot of them. We might try and brainstorm other things we can do to get her comfortable speaking in front of other people, unless she truly hates it and doesn't want to under any circumstances. Right now, I just want to give her a break for a while. And then really try to get her to see that she did it, did it well and enjoyed it!