BTDT mamas on *cursing* (advice for a wordy toddler) Update: #32 - Page 2

[Dingletwitz]

Funny enough, I don't think I've heard dd say any naughty words in public--but I suppose it's like a tantrum. We're not worried that the child is going to embarrass him/herself with a tantrum, we're worried that WE will be embarrassed by their tantrum. I think the same holds true for swears or other things. If we can get past our own insecurities about people judging our parenting, we can let a lot of this type of thing go, no? Funny thing is -- the things dd would do that I would find embarrassing typically aren't anything other people would find a problem with I've found.

[2xy]

I honestly don't remember how I handled it, but I do remember getting cut off in traffic, hitting my horn, and hearing my 2yo (firstborn) say from the back seat, "That guy's a f*&$in' idiot, right Mommy?"

:roflmao

[~Charlie's~Angel~]

I actually ridirect with alternatives and try to make them seem just as taboo. Is it the right thing to do? I dunno, I havent read many child pyschology books. But it seems to work. Damn-It (which is their favorite right now) is darn it. Sh*t= Sugar or shoot. My little guy even picked up on "What the heck". "Oh gosh" is another one. I figured redirecting works for things like tantrums and sharing, so why not swearing?

[rightkindofme]

I cringe a bit when my daughter swears in public but I otherwise ignore it and go on with the conversation. I figure that acknowledging it makes it worse. And I swear a lot and I don't believe in hypocrisy so I absolutely won't punish for curse words.

[~Charlie's~Angel~]

Originally Posted by odenata

At 2 1/2, my dd was playing store with her daddy. She got in her little car, went to the pretend store, came back and said, "They're all out of ice cream! What the f*ck are we going to do?"

[MadiMamacita]

Originally Posted by Barbie64g

I actually ridirect with alternatives and try to make them seem just as taboo. Is it the right thing to do? I dunno, I havent read many child pyschology books. But it seems to work. Damn-It (which is their favorite right now) is darn it. Sh*t= Sugar or shoot. My little guy even picked up on "What the heck". "Oh gosh" is another one. I figured redirecting works for things like tantrums and sharing, so why not swearing?

I know a few families who are just as offended by the substitutions as by the actual word.
In my preschool classroom a child came up to me and said "Johnny said a bad word!" (my reflex reaction to this is *always* "what did he say?" )
turns out the kid had said "what the..." and trailed off at the end, which this kid was told is a naughty thing to say.

[Super~Single~Mama]

I have been sitting her the whole time I've been reading!

As for what I do: I act like ds isn't even talking at all when he curses. The one time its happened I saw a bug and was trying to kill it saying, piece if sh*t bug! And DS said, of course, "sh*t bug sh*t bug" - I just went along as though he wasn't talking (no reaction whatsoever - I just kept doing dishes or whatever I was doing) and he stopped saying it in a few minutes. I do pay LOTS of attention when he is saying appropriate words, or says something that he didn't know previously, so the lack of attention made him lose interest pretty quick.

And, I've gotten REALLY good at self censoring my language.

[Contrariety]

Oh, man, we are definitely dealing with this in our house right now with 4yo DS. We are also learning our letters in a co-op preschool with some good friends. The other day DS asked my friend what letters "f-ing sh*t" start with. We don't say those two words together, so he gets points for the novel swear combination, but MAN!

We had a conversation about words that are bad and hurt some people's feelings, and that it's not really even okay for mommy and daddy to say those words, either... didn't stop him from asking my dad the same question later that same day. Ohhhh well.

We've made good strides and for the most part none of us are swearing anymore. Though I do miss the giggles I got out of the occasional "Suck a b*tch" and such. He definitely had a distinct swearing style.

[ellemenope]

Well, this is timely. Time magazine: Kids Swearing Earlier Than Ever


ETA: She has been saying it all day.

[DisplacedYooper]

When he had just turned three, my DS calmly informed my DH that "F*ck is another word for d*mmit." What worked for us was really working hard to (in the words of a co-worker) "Beaver Cleaver"-up our language, while reminding DS that that those are not words we say in public. Now, at 3 3/4, he hardly ever swears, but neither do we (at least in front of him...)

[redvlagrl]

DD has used f- -k totally context too. I try and toally ignore it and hope she'll forget about it if we are better about it ourselves (a struggle).

We've decided to replace it with "fim", "fimming" etc. Too many replacement words - shoot, freaking, etc sound too much like the real thing when said by my toddler.

[ellemenope]

Update: 3 weeks later

So, we ignored it.
We modeled the use of "For crying out loud."
We cut out any cursing.

And, it worked. We had two weeks free of cursing. Well, free of G-ddamnit. She did start saying "oh my G-d" (Oh my G-d look at this huge noodle.) and "I swear to G-d" (I wiped. I sear to G-d) very much in context. So, of course, I cut those out of my vocabulary as well.

But, I seriously slipped up and said G-ddamit about 3 days ago. Not in front of her, more like to the side of her. I am not perfect. I got really frustrated. I just wring my hands and grit my teeth and say it and I feel so much better. And, then I don't have to wring her neck.

She said it about three times today. The sad thing is she does the same thing I do when she says it. I feel so bad. I feel horrible.

So, I'd rather just keep on ignoring it and work on myself. I am not in the mood right now to discipline this. I'll take more advice, sure. But, what I need right now is someone to tell me I am not the worst parent in the world.

I would say I say a curse word no more than once a week and never in her face. She is not even 2.5. Obviously, that is all it takes. So, this was just inevitable, right?

(We are not ultra-religious. We are Catholic, but only go to church every couple of weeks. DD loves baby Jesus and the Jesus on the cross as morbid as that sounds, but I have never explained God to her. I don't really have a problem with taking the Lord's name in vain although I want to work on it now, and it is not all because of DD. I just hate seeing her do it when she doesn't even know what she is saying, YKWIM?)

[pbjmama]

You are not the worst parent. We all yell, even scream sometimes. Adults curse, throw tantrums, and do childish things. It is okay. I actually think this is a great example to children that 'everyone makes mistakes'. I use that line with my kids alot. Everyone makes mistakes, I love you for who you are and we can try again later.

[Latte Mama]

Mama don't feel bad at all please. I got the kick in the pants I needed the other night when DS, my speech delayed and just finished getting therapy 2 year old, said clear as a bell " f*&k". I whipped my head around to look at him and he repeated it 3 more times . I didn't acknowledge it, figuring not making a big deal was the best thing.

But I DO need to work on my potty mouth

[confustication]

My first picked up more colorful language than my little guys are exposed to. Her dad wasn't great at censoring himself, and while I was better, I wasn't a saint. :P

I learned that, particularly with a verbally precocious child, censoring yourself is a must.

I'm so used to it now that i almost never swear- even when the kids are out of earshot. There is a guarantee that whatever you have slipped up and said- will be repeated in front of just the wrong person.

[DisplacedYooper]

Originally Posted by ellemenope

So, I'd rather just keep on ignoring it and work on myself. I am not in the mood right now to discipline this. I'll take more advice, sure. But, what I need right now is someone to tell me I am not the worst parent in the world.

You are not the worst parent in the world. If all that's happening in that your DD is occasionally hearing (and repeating) sound combinations that have been culturally declared "inappropriate", you are doing great! I think your plan to self-censor and ignore is exactly the right tactic. For me, it's hard to swallow the idea of discipline for an action that is basically copied straight from me.

[ihugtrees]

I'm struggling with this. At 16 months, she says sh*t on occasion (in context: "Uh oh! Ohhh, sh*t." or "Oh noes! Ohhh, sh*t.") We curse (my DH more so than me) and I don't think there is anything wrong with it. And yet, I'm acutely aware of it when she says it in public.

I feel like, they are just WORDS. We give them power. What makes sh*t different than shoot? What makes f*ck different than freak? Why is it better to say one than the other, and who got to decide? Not to mention, I think words like 'darn' and 'fiddle sticks' and various other substitutions sound ridiculous, haha. If it's not hurting another person, why does it matter?

I know even if we don't say it, she will hear it from movies and elsewhere (I REALLY don't believe in restricting art in any way, so film, music, etc is not only 'clean' stuff around here. If it's good art in some way, we don't care if it has nudity or curse words or whatever.)

I'm not sure what my stance is, honestly, but just wanted to various thoughts I've been having about this subject.

[Pirogi]

DD, 3, has starting saying d@mmit, although when her sweet little voice says it, it sounds like "demmit." She threw in "god" in front of it the other day. DH and I began self-censoring during my first pregnancy. I suspect the nanny was using those words.

So ... is the tactic to just ignore, until the child is old enough to understand the reasoning of "we don't say that in public," "that makes some people feel bad," etc? I have to admit, I got a little upset with her when she began saying GD. I am not religious, but my family is ultra-religious, and I just don't feel like dealing with the judgment from them on it.

[mamadelbosque]

Ahh yes, well, if it makes you feel any better, my ds1 could *not* say 'truck' for a *LONG* time. He said the "f word" instead. Now, imagine yourself sitting infront of a government office (the OSU extension office, in this case!), waiting for them to open and watching lots of nice big trucks go by. And constantly yelling 'truck!' "truck!" very excitedly, and pointing. And then seeing a *DUMP* truck go by... and yelling 'dumb f'! - this just as the worker walks up to open up. Yeah.

[Irishmommy]

I don't have issue with minor swearing. I do have issue with blaspheming (which sounds so not me). So F**k is okay in moderation. Godammit isn't. However, moderation is the key. Fine if they stub their toe, not fine as punctuation, or at school/in front of older people.

Though apparently my 16 yo told a kid in English class the other day to "shut the f**k up" during a test, as the kid was talking to someone the OTHER side of the classroom, but the teacher did nothing about it. I'm waiting for a phone call, but I will defend her comment, just not her use of the f word.