constant crying

[HolliM]

I could really use some advice, support, encouragement etc. on how to handle a toddler who cries A LOT. My son is 27 months and spends probably 75% of his day crying for no reason that I can figure out. I've spent the last year and a half convinced that it was teething, but he's had all of his teeth in now for a couple of months and now I'm at a complete loss at what could be the cause. The only thing that seems to stop his crying is nursing, so we spend much of our day nursing just so I can get some relief from his misery. I feel so selfish saying this, but I'm really feeling at the end of my rope and have been feeling more and more hopeless facing each day. I feel like I've tried everything and I'm beginning to worry that this might just be his temperament. Has anyone else had a toddler that seems this unhappy? I'm a sahm and he's an only child so he gets a lot of attention. I feel like we have a really loving, supportive home...I'm just at a complete loss.

[lisalu100]

Food allergy? Post in that forum, and they,ll help you get started. what does your doctor say? maybe nursing is relieving silent reflux?

[crunchy_mommy]

I am in the same boat with my 19 mo. He has spent 18 of the last 19 months crying constantly (we had a brief respite around 14-15mos old). IT DRIVES ME INSANE. I can't even think straight by the end of the day. I feel bad for him being miserable & I admittedly feel bad for myself having to try to deal with it, I frequently run out of steam & just want to give up.

Some things others have mentioned to me:
-How does he sleep? Is he sleeping long enough/deeply enough?
-Do you have a routine to your days?
-Have you looked into food sensitivities?
-Does he have any sensory issues?

That's all I can come up with at the moment. I really feel your pain. I can't even keep DS happy on a nice walk outside anymore.

[just_lily]

If you haven't already, definitely go and get a check up at the doctor. A toddler in my day care agency cried all the time and was generally miserable. Her parents finally took her to the doctor and it turned out she had a raging ear infection. A round of antibiotics later, and she was a much happier kid.

If you have already ruled that out, what makes him cry? What makes him stop? When is he happy? Is he meeting all of his developmental milestones?

I think kids do what works. Once you rule out medical and developmental issues, I would suspect he is crying because it is the most efficient way to get what he wants/needs.

[LadyCatherine185]

What is a typical day like for you in terms of sleep/naptimes, meals, activity, routine, etc?

I would first look into food sensitivies/reflux, as well as sensory issues.

[HolliM]

Originally Posted by crunchy_mommy

IT DRIVES ME INSANE. I can't even think straight by the end of the day. I feel bad for him being miserable & I admittedly feel bad for myself having to try to deal with it, I frequently run out of steam & just want to give up.

EXACTLY how I feel too. More and more, I find myself just wanting to get away from him. I sob to my dh almost every night...I hate feeling this way toward my own child. It's so not how I pictured our relationship. I feel like how mothers of colicky babies describe feeling crazy...you just lose all reason after hearing so much crying constantly.

Thanks for the responses everyone. I'm looking into food allergy testing but not sure we can afford it. I've contacted our Integrative Medicine dr who does saliva testing (which I've heard is the most accurate) so hopefully we'll get an appointment soon. The cost is outrageous though. We've eliminated gluten and dairy in the past and didn't notice a difference at all...he honestly doesn't eat much other than fruit and still gets most of his nutrition from nursing. He's never been all that interested in food. I'm also going to make an appointment with a dentist so I can rule all the possible physical ailments out. He has had a few ear infections in the past, but I'm pretty sure he's healthy right now. He just had a check up a few weeks ago and everything looked good.

As far as our routine goes...he usually wakes to nurse around 4-5 am and I lay in bed with him and nurse off and on until around 7. Sometimes he goes back to sleep, sometimes he doesn't (and then for sure our day is ruined). He's always had trouble sleeping and his mood is definitely worse if he misses much sleep, but how do you MAKE someone sleep, kwim? We get ready for the day, do breakfast, and then either play at home or have a playdate, go to zoo, park, etc. Around 11:30-12 I attempt lunch but he's not usually interested. I nurse him down for his nap around 12:30 and he usually goes down pretty easily (sleeps anywhere from 1-2 hrs). After nap we usually try lunch again or have a snack and then just play at home or go to the park, etc. Around 5:30, I let him watch a tv show while I try to prep dinner. Then dh comes home and they play while I try to clean up the house etc. Bed time starts around 7:30 and he is usually asleep by 8 or so.

Some days he literally wakes up crying and it continues all day. Other days it starts when I try to get ready and he doesn't have my full attention. Many days it starts because he wants to nurse all day and I tell him we will nurse again at x time because we just nursed. There is no rhyme or reason and I can't usually figure out a cause for most of his crying. Once it starts, he has a very hard time getting out of that mood. The only thing that really stops it is nursing...but sometimes it starts right back up again. This has been going on for at least a year or more. I've tried breathing, games, songs, etc to try to teach him how to calm himself down, but he gets more and more upset when I bring these up.

Developmentally, he's hit most of his physical milestones early (walked at 9 months, potty trained at 18, etc) but he's definitely a late talker. While I do think he gets frustrated at times that he can't communicate, I feel like we understand most of what he's trying to tell us and I really don't sense that his crying is out of frustration. Most of the time he just genuinely seems really sad.

Originally Posted by just_lily

I think kids do what works. Once you rule out medical and developmental issues, I would suspect he is crying because it is the most efficient way to get what he wants/needs.

Yes, I used to think this too and still do for the most part. We work really hard to not give in or reinforce his crying if it is to get "something". I can totally deal with tantrums...that's not what I'm talking about though. Sometimes I wonder if I'm reinforcing it by offering validation and comfort, but I try to give him tons of positive attention too so it just doesn't add up.

Overall, I know he's a really sensitive, particular child. He often needs things to be a certain way and has a hard time with changes and transitions. Again, I feel like I can deal with all of that...it's the crying for no reason that drives me batty and just his general unhappiness.

I'm really afraid that the dr and dentist will rule out any physical causes and I will realize this is just his temperament. Is that possible, can a child really be this unhappy?: :

[LadyCatherine185]

As far as allergies go-- unless you have the money I would forgo the testing. The most acurate way would be with an elimination diet. Does he show allergy signs/symptoms?

It sounds like he may have some sort of sensory issues. I am no expert though, so definitely talk with your doctor about it.

[HolliM]

Originally Posted by LadyCatherine185

The most acurate way would be with an elimination diet. Does he show allergy signs/symptoms?

He has some skin issues occasionally and we've been battling thrush off and on for 2 years.

[sillysmile]

I am so sorry, HolliM, that sounds extremely difficult. I have a REALLY hard time when my DD cries a lot, but it luckily only happens when she's sick or really overtired. As other people have suggested, I'd continue to look for a cause (medical or developmental). Even if you determine that it IS just temperament, maybe you can find ways to work with it that aren't as frustrating for your both. I know that's probably much easier said than done though.

[changingseasons]

Originally Posted by HolliM

He has some skin issues occasionally and we've been battling thrush off and on for 2 years.

From your first post, and this information, I would say there is definitely something physical going on with him that's making him feel crummy. It could very well be food allergies.

Like a pp said- just skip the testing if you don't have the money. Keep a food journal. Try an elimination diet. When you removed dairy & gluten, did you take them out of your diet as well (including all hidden sources)? Soy is another common trigger, along with eggs and corn. Check out my blog for info about allergy/intolerance symptoms, how to do an elimination diet, etc.

Also, if you're battling yeast, I would say that fruits and grains are going to contribute to the problem. He's probably craving fruit to feed the yeast in his body. Have you tried any (dairy-free) probiotics for him?

[LadyCatherine185]

Originally Posted by changingseasons

From your first post, and this information, I would say there is definitely something physical going on with him that's making him feel crummy. It could very well be food allergies.

Like a pp said- just skip the testing if you don't have the money. Keep a food journal. Try an elimination diet. When you removed dairy & gluten, did you take them out of your diet as well (including all hidden sources)? Soy is another common trigger, along with eggs and corn. Check out my blog for info about allergy/intolerance symptoms, how to do an elimination diet, etc.

Also, if you're battling yeast, I would say that fruits and grains are going to contribute to the problem. He's probably craving fruit to feed the yeast in his body. Have you tried any (dairy-free) probiotics for him?

[ASusan]

There is a girl at DS's daycare who was sad and mopey a lot of the time. (I hesitate to say most or all of the time, but it was more often than not that when I went in for a drop off or pick up, she was sitting at the small table with her head on it, lying on the floor, or fussing a bit (never full-on cry). From talking to her mom, she slept horribly...

They found out she was allergic to dairy (when she turned 3), and once they took it ALL out of the diet, she's a new child. Bright, happy, runs to greet people...

Another vote for food allergy/sensitivity.

[HolliM]

Thank you for the food elimination suggestions. The more I've read about testing, I'm thinking the elimination diet is our best bet. I'm going to start with eggs and corn and take out dairy once I get a substitute for my coffee . His skin actually got worse when we went off gluten, and that's what made me think about corn since we were eating corn tortillas, chips, etc. He eats eggs almost every morning and yogurt before bed so those are going to be hard. Since he still bfs, I'll have to take it out of my diet too. I will check things for soy, but we don't eat too many packaged foods so that shouldn't be too hard although it could be in our vitamins. He's on megadoses of probiotics, but I'll have to check to see if they are dairy free...

Does anyone have any coping suggestions for me in the meantime? I can tell I'm really starting to lose it with his crying and have thoughts of hurting him or just wanting to get away from him. I hate to admit to these feelings and I think I've been stuffing them for the last year and just pretending everything was okay because I really thought it would all get better once he was done teething...but I'm really starting to lose hope and can tell my mental health is spiraling downward. I never dreamed in a million years I would think these things about my sweet boy.

[Latte Mama]

Hi mama,

Hugs to you. I think you are very brave for being so honest and posting. Can you tell your partner that you need a break NOW. Tell, not ask. It sounds like this is crisis time and maybe your DH can take a couple of days off work so you can go off and be by yourself for hours at a time.
Hearing a crying child for hours every day can be excruciating and really wear you down. Please get some help and I hope your DS grows out of this.

[changingseasons]

Originally Posted by HolliM

Does anyone have any coping suggestions for me in the meantime? I can tell I'm really starting to lose it with his crying and have thoughts of hurting him or just wanting to get away from him. I hate to admit to these feelings and I think I've been stuffing them for the last year and just pretending everything was okay because I really thought it would all get better once he was done teething...but I'm really starting to lose hope and can tell my mental health is spiraling downward. I never dreamed in a million years I would think these things about my sweet boy.

Hugs mama. I completely understand. I found that when we're having a really bad day, where DD was at her worst and I just wanted to get the hell away from her, the best thing to do was put her in a wrap/mei tai/whatever and go for a walk. It usually calmed her down, and having that skin to skin contact somehow calmed me down too. It didn't always work... but other ideas are just having a change a quick change of scenery. Just grab a coat- who cares if your hair is brushed or you have your pajama's on still- grab the baby and some shoes and go outside for a walk. Or just to sit. Or do some jumping jacks. Or crank up the radio and sing a song. (I know these are weird suggestions.) Really anything that will distract both of you from the stress at hand.

Also- I would recommend trying some homeopathics if you haven't already. Even just the blends by Boiron that you can find at most hfs help sometimes. We have the colic blend that we use occasionally. It's just a homeopathic remedy (blend) in water, no other ingredients.

[HolliM]

Thank you for the encouragement and suggestions.

Dh took care of him most of the day yesterday so I could have a slight break...although there's no break from these awful feelings of guilt. And I was dreading the start of another week.

Somehow I mustered the strength to start strong today...got out of bed after our early nursing session and left dh to soothe him back to bed so I could go running and make us breakfast and at least get a shower in. I have no idea why, but we had a wonderful morning. My ds was so cooperative and HAPPY. I can't think of the last time I've seen him happy for several hours at once. He didn't cry once and we had a really nice time together. The afternoon was a little rougher but still not too bad. It makes me feel like I imagined all the rest...like a bad dream. Whatever the reason, I sure needed the break.

We're starting our elimination diet tomorrow, which brings about it's own stress, but I'm trying to at least feel hopeful that I could help him feel better.

[crunchy_mommy]

How are you doing? Any progress with the elimination diet?

[HolliM]

Thanks for asking. We had 3 really good days out of the blue last week and I can't figure out for the life of me how or why. We're back to lots of crying again. I'm off dairy, gluten and eggs and hoping to see some change soon!

How are you doing?

[changingseasons]

Are you keeping a food journal? When that's happened for us, it's been something like- I forgot to take my vitamins for a few days, I drank a different type of tea (or no tea) those days, our usual brand was out of stock so we tried a different brand (of some food), we bought organic apples (or whatever) instead of regular because they were on sale.... etc.

Things like that are really important to keep track of, because you just never know in the beginning what little thing might cause a problem. Like a huge reaction here one time to rutabagas.. I had no idea that non-organic rutabagas were waxed (they don't looked waxed!), and those waxes can contain dairy. So when DD's face started swelling after eating a rutabaga/carrot mix (both eaten many times before with no problems) I had NO idea what was going on.

Sometimes you just need a second pair of eyes looking over your journal for clues, so feel free to post and have us look it over if you want!

[crunchy_mommy]

That's really interesting, I have had a few good days here & there with my DS with no identifiable cause. I never noticed even slight differences with him on an elimination diet though. Did his improvements correlate at all with when you first eliminated dairy/gluten? Is there any chance something slipped in, you or he ate something with dairy by accident or something? If you've never done an elimination diet before it's easy to slip up. Or if you ate out at all -- I ate out a lot last week on vacation & suspect I got glutenized by accident despite ordering only gluten-free items.

DS was actually quite good on vacation. There were still crying episodes but nowhere near what we experience at home. Then we came home Saturday & all day Sunday he was miserable. He is back to constant crying and clinging to me for dear life. It's driving me insane. It's very confusing to sort all this out, I don't suspect food allergies for DS (though I have many myself so I haven't ruled it out either) but I do feel it may be physical. The crying is worse when he's bored but I think he just gets distracted from whatever is bothering him when we're busy. I don't know. I keep looking up various disorders and nothing seems to fit quite right but I really don't feel he's 'normal' -- or maybe I'm just not cut out to be a mom. I don't know.

Are you keeping a detailed journal?