Suggestions for non-materialistic ways to keep in touch with Grandma?

[Katielady]

Hi all,

So my mom moved to Florida to care for her elderly parents about a year and a half ago. My kids are now 4 and almost 2. Back when she first moved, my mom started buying what seem to us (me and DH) to be absurd amounts of gifts for the kids. They would get a birthday present-sized package every month or so. All the gifts make me uncomfortable for many reasons- on the practical side, we just don't want all this stuff to keep accumulating, and I also worry about her finances as she's retired and constantly worries about having enough money. I wish she'd save her money for more trips to visit us! Another reason is that I don't like the values it imparts to my kids. I don't want them thinking this is how you show love. So back then, I talked with my mom about it and asked her to limit gifts to birthdays and Christmas, and in between then to please just send things like cards, stickers, maybe a book every so often, if she wanted to let DS know she was thinking about him. She was really upset, but eventually complied.

Now we've moved into a much bigger space and the gifts have started up again. In the past two weeks alone they've received 6 or 7 hardcover books, a board game, halloween baking stuff, and a halloween costume. I actually feel this sense of dread when the doorbell rings and it's another package. I know she misses the kids terribly, but this just seems so dysfunctional to me. I know there are people out there who wish the kids' grandparents would care enough to send a gift every now and then. I love it that my mom cares. But to me this is just too much, and it feels so frenzied, like she's trying to buy their love.

SO....I thought I'd try something different this time. I can't bring myself to call her again and tell her to stop sending stuff. She was so hurt last time. And it's really hard to express how much is too much-- last time, there was this weird period where she'd call me up and be like, "I want to send J this book I found, is that OK?" So I thought instead of telling her what NOT to do, I'd instead focus on coming up with more suggestions for her to stay in touch with the kids that don't involve putting her into debt.

The big one I wish she'd do is invest in a computer so she could skype with the kids. She doesn't have one and keeps saying maybe she'll get one but doesn't have the money right now. (Maybe because she buys $60 worth of stuff every time she goes to the book store or Babies R Us.) Phone convos don't work too well with kids this age, but I think video would be great. I thought about sending her a piggy bank to save up for a computer...maybe I could help the kids make one from a cardboard box even? Or is that too controlling?

Cards are always nice. Maybe she'd get more into the card thing if I had the kids start sending ones to her.

Other than that I'm kind of stumped. Any other ideas?

[JudiAU]

Do you skpe? Just saw that you don't. What about finding a public library wit classes.

Also, maybe be more flexible on the rules. Don't limit books at all and add 2-3 presents to the birthday/Christmas list. That is 4-5 chances a year or every other month. That might keep a sad grandma In funds and feely connected. The book rule works really, really well for one of our grandmas who wants to shop all the time.

[fritz]

Post cards! Cheaper than cards by a lot, actually, especially if you've been collecting them for years like my mother =). She sends my 5yo DS a postcard a few times a month. He loves reading her messages, and he's always excited to get mail. She's thrilled to be getting rid of accumulated stuff, and to maintain a relationship/interest level with her long-distance grandson.

Yes, having your kids send her mail, too would help her feel connected and loved (it sounds like her primary love language is gifts--I just finished reading The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman, and I highly recommend it). You could send a drawing from each child, or a postcard with a quick update about something fun/interesting that happened that day--it doesn't have to be from your kids, since they're still so young, just something to let her know you're all thinking about her and wanting to keep her involved in your lives.

If she has the time/energy/capabilities, could she record herself on tape reading aloud one of the books she buys for your kids, and then send the tape along with the book? Maybe if she's busier doing something (other than spending money), she might back off on the quantity of purchased gifts. (My grandmother and I did this in reverse--she sent me the book, and I recorded myself reading it out loud and sent her the tapes...but I was around 8yo, IIRC.)

My grandfather and I got into the habit of exchanging horrible stick-figure-type drawings when I was in high school (neither of us are artistically gifted). It was hilarious, and other family members liked it so much, that now whenever we get a birthday or Christmas card, there are "self-portraits" in each one instead of signatures.

Having your kids help make their grandmother a piggy bank is a great idea, but it might be better received by her if you don't say it has to be used to save up for a computer. Maybe include a list of ideas for things she could save up for...future gifts for the grandkids, future trip to visit the grandkids, random spare change (when I was in college, my grandmother'd send me a check for all the spare change she found in her couch cushions). But no matter how she decides to use it, once you send it to her, it's hers to decide what to do with, so try not to get too invested in any particular usage.

Another way to cut down on the quantity would be to ask her to make a list of the things she'd like to buy for your kids, and then send you a copy of the list. That way you could check to see if you already have that particular book, or if your local public library has it (maybe your kids have already read it?). Maybe by writing it all down, she'd start to realize just how much she is buying/sending.

Or how about, instead of trying to limit the number of gifts, would it work to ask her to spend no more than (picking a random number out of the air) $20 a month (including postage) on whatever she does send? B/c I think the argument that you'd rather have her save up money to come visit you instead of having her spend a lot of money on an excessive number of gifts is excellent...but it certainly doesn't provide instant gratification to her, which may be part of the problem.

Good luck figuring out a solution that works for everyone involved!

[eepster]

Instead of all these little gifts, suggest she save up for a digital video camera, and you also get one for yourselves. She can make videos of herself saying "hi" to them and stuff, and you can make vidoes of them saying "hi" to her. Then you can up load the videos to a photo sharing website, such as photobucket. She could even take vidoes of the great-grandparents saying "hi."

[bec]

I was going to suggest the post cards/picture pen pals thing. It will be exciting to her as they get older and start writing and reading. I was also going to suggest that she go to the library to check out some children's books and record them on tape/cd and send them. Imagine getting their favorite story read by grandma every night! Then, she could maybe pick her favorite few and get them for the special occasions. I have had to put it to my parents as a space/clutter issue. We simply have TOO much stuff!

Other ideas, if she is really wanting to spend money, is to help pay for a class, or a museum/zoo membership. We have done this several times in the past with great success. Every time they went to their class, they knew that it was their present from Grandma. It meant a lot to them.

If she is into scrapbooking, she could put together an album of old pictures and maybe write out the stories behind the pictures. This creates a family heirloom, while connecting her memories to her grandchildren.

[Tway]

I don't know if this is hopelessly out of date, but when my grandparents moved to Florida when we were kids, we'd make tapes (yes, good ol cassette tapes) and send them back and forth. My sis and I would sing or tell stories or chatter about our day, and my parents would tape a song they heard or talk about the family or any news. My grandparents would also put on stories or music, and talk about the weather, their outings, anything really. I kept a few, which are very dear to me now that my grandfather passed away.

Maybe you could do a modern version of that...? Like a periodic YouTube update or something.

[Adaline'sMama]

I would get a notebook and mail it back and forth so that they can write all their letters to each other that way. I did this with a friend of mine and we both really looked forward to getting the mail. I wound up costing me about $10.00 a month in postage, but it was so much more fun than the internet. And, it makes an excellent keepsake.

[ancoda]

Originally Posted by Tway

I don't know if this is hopelessly out of date, but when my grandparents moved to Florida when we were kids, we'd make tapes (yes, good ol cassette tapes) and send them back and forth. My sis and I would sing or tell stories or chatter about our day, and my parents would tape a song they heard or talk about the family or any news. My grandparents would also put on stories or music, and talk about the weather, their outings, anything really. I kept a few, which are very dear to me now that my grandfather passed away.

Maybe you could do a modern version of that...? Like a periodic YouTube update or something.

I think the tapes is a great idea. If she is not will/able to get a computer and skype with you then go the old fashion way.

[Heavenly]

Honestly? I think you need to let it go. Stop trying to control how your mother expresses her feelings for your children. Books are always great gifts. And if you already bought Halloween costumes you can use the one she sent for dress-up. If there are too many toys make two or three rotations in rubbermaid containers and rotate them out periodically. Seriously, she likes doing this, she finds joy in it. And it is not hurting anyone. It will not teach your children materialism, unless you portray it as materialism. All your kids will think is Grandma loves us so much that every time she is in a store she thinks of us. One day she will be gone and I think you will realize how ridiculous of an issue this is to get so upset about. JMHO.

[Katielady]

Thanks all for the suggestions. I think we'll start with homemade postcards and go from there.

Heavenly, just to clarify- I do agree with you in part, which is why I'm handling it differently this time. I'm not going to ask her to send less stuff. I'm just going to start finding other ways to keep in touch with her, and using them myself, in the hopes that it will fill her need and hopefully stem the tide of gifts somewhat.

fritz mentioned instant gratification- I think that is a lot of it for my mom. She is a recovering alcoholic and my sis and I have noticed that shopping seems to have replaced drinking as her compulsive behavior. It is hard to understand if you aren't living with it. I can't even go to a mall with her any more, she just gets into a frenzy and starts buying random crap without even taking a careful look at any of it. I think she gets missing the kids, and then to make herself feel better she goes out and buys something, anything, and then sends it to me when a little pile has accumulated. It doesn't feel like gifts of love, it feels like the products of a dysfunctional habit. It reminds me of when she used to drink openly (she now only does it on the sly) and would constantly press drinks on everyone around her. I love a glass of wine but the way she kept shoving them in my face started to feel less about me and more about her and her addiction. The shopping feels the same, and is similarly off-putting.

[azgirl]

So many good ideas here!

I noticed that all the gifts you mentioned other than the costume are "activity" gifts. They don't strike me as materialistic gifts at all. She probably wishes she could bake with them, read to them and play games with them. That makes me so sad for her. If she is a careful shopper she the amount she is spending on those gifts is in her budget and a plane ticket isn't. I totally understand the need to have less stuff, but that stuff doesn't take up much space, seems thoughtfully chosen and is the way she feels able to show her love and share holidays/seasons with her grand kids. I never buy cards. They cost 2-5 dollars and kids do not care about them. They don't seem like a good use of money.
You seem to be handling the situation gently and with kindness, but I wonder if you could just accept her love? And it doesn't seem dysfunctional at all. She may have trouble figuring out Skype even if she does get a computer. Just my two cents. She sounds lovely. I think you need to separate this issue from her alcoholism, they may not be related at all. I do understand the temptation to paint dysfunctional people with a really broad brush...I have that problem.

Oh and she could be carefully and thoughtfully gathering these gifts over the course of several weeks. I'm not sure how much instant gratification plays into this. The gifts you mentioned sound thoughtful...I have a MIL who buys way too much stuff so I understand your dilemma...but yes, for some gifts is a love language. Limiting gifts can really feel like you are restricting how much love they can show you...

[DaughterOfKali]

I know lots of long distance grandparents who will videotape or record themselves reading a kids book once a week. If the grandparent feels that she/he has to send a gift, he/she could send one of the read books once a month.

[JBaxter]

Have her buy a coloring book and color half the picture and mail it to you. Have your kiddos finish the picture and mail it back

[OkiMom]

Pictures are great with young kids! My girls love the photo their great grandparents sent us last year for Christmas. I had to put it up high because I didn't want the frame breaking and they wouldnt' stop carrying it around with them.

How about suggesting she gets one of those "grandma story" fill in the blank journals and does one for each child. That way when they get older they can read them and know about their grandmother. Those things take a while to fill out to so it will give her something to do when she thinks of her grandchildren other than go shopping.

[AbbieB]

I completely understand what you mean about the shopping being a compulsion and more about her than the kids. My MIL is the same way. Piles of random junk with no deep though or meaning behind them, other than her guilt for living 5 minutes away from us but not being to find the time to spend 5 minutes with the kids.

My parents live about 8 hours away and we see them about once every 3 months or so. But despite this, they are actively involved with the kids on an almost daily basis through the phone, digital pictures, the computer and the mail.

We started out with a digital camera and emailing but now we each have an iphone so we can send pictures quickly and follow up with quick calls. We are able to send silly, look at this moment or project type pictures, ones that are not meant to be kept for ever. An example: This summer my DD participated in a butterfly research project and ended up getting excited about all kinds of bugs. She would find an interesting one, take a picture, send it to my mom and then get on the phone with her and they would surf the web together to ID it. Mom would do the same with her interesting finds. Mom found some neat bug houses and books to send to help out with her studies. I feel so lucky to live in a time when this kind of thing is possible.

We've been thinking of giving them an ipad for Christmas to help make the process a little easier. Maybe DD (or mommy ) will get one too.

[Quinalla]

Pictures/videos or video chat are good and impart some memories too which is fun. Does she e-mail or text? Penpal letters/journals are a great idea too. And yeah, postcards are fun, you could buy a scrapbook or album for your kids to keep them in. I know I e-mail about once every 2 weeks to my family with a short update and a couple photos of my 10-month-old and it helps everyone feel more in the loop. Also, my ILs just got a webcam so we will be having some fun times talking to them over that and letting them see the baby and the baby getting to see them.

Something I always liked getting from my Grandma when I went off to college were packages of food, usually homemade cookies and breads. I know your kids are young, but if she baked them a batch of cookies or bread or something similar, it's inexpensive for her and fun for your kids. Maybe she could even make cookies that can be decorated and leave them plain and then you guys could decorate them and send pictures back.

I'm thinking anything where she could send you something and the kids could do something fun with it, not just generic here is a toy, but like a pumpkin carving kit for Halloween then you send her pictures of the pumpkin carving. Stuff like that that would make you all feel more connected. I liked the coloring book ideas above as another example like this.

And I agree on books, those are a nice gift always IMO.

And I sympathize with you because my Mom is a gift giver, it IS a big part of how she shows love and it helps me to remember that. Not in a "I want to buy your love" kind of way that is manipulative, she just really enjoys giving gifts to people she loves and I too think she spends too much, but have just made a point to direct her gift giving to things I really need or want so at least she isn't wasting her money. Though at least for her, she can afford it.

[Katielady]

Thanks again everyone for the suggestions- both on how to view the situation, and how to make some changes. I really took what everyone said to heart and I will try to frame this differently. The main thing that needs to change is my reaction, I think.

I was really devastated when my mom moved to Florida. While I understood her many, complex reasons for doing it, it's something I never expected to happen. I always thought (and she always explicitly said) that she'd never leave the town where I grew up, and I structured my life so that I'd live a car ride away. She announced her plans to retire and move when I was pregnant with my second. I tried to talk her out of it, it didn't work, and I felt abandoned.

So I guess when she started with buying all this stuff, it felt like such a poor substitute for her company and for her being more physically present in my kids' lives, and I was angry about it. I know the examples I give above are nice gifts, but I'm telling you, it's not always like that. A lot of plastic stuff from walmart. And while we love books, when you like an uncluttered house and you have a finite amount of space, there really IS such a thing as too many.

But that said, I do think I need to be more accepting of this as her love language, as someone put it. She has always been gifty, and in the past I've always appreciated her gifts- it's only recently that it seems to have gotten a little out of control. The fact is that she is not here, and she can't come very often, and this makes her feel more in touch with us, and in the end it doesn't really hurt anyone. I think that I will quietly send some of the stuff to goodwill. I've done that with a few things that I really disliked, and I may start doing it a bit more often. But we'll call and say thanks (which we always do of course) and try to really appreciate the love behind the gesture. And I will try this additive approach- adding more ways to keep in touch, rather than asking her to stop anything she's already doing- and see if that makes the relationship feel better to me.

Anyway, thanks again everyone. And if you think of more ideas, I'm all ears!

eta: doorbell just rang w/ another package. Six more books, one of which she already sent a copy of about 6 months ago.

[Callimom]

I agree with the PP suggestions

I love the idea of having her record a book on tape or on video. She could buy one book, read a chapter or two and mail it, and then a few days later send the next installment.
I'd also setup some kind of mailing back and forth - a scrap book or journal would work. The kids do one page and mail it and she does the next. Or she writes the story and they illustrate it (or she send the pic and they tell the story).

Or maybe a flat stanely idea where the kids send her little paper versions of themselves and she can take them around where she lives, take pictures and send little momentos (a shell from the beach, a postcard, a piece of candy from the store) - so that they are like little visits with gramma. The kids could do the same with a paper version of gramma - take her to the library, their favourite park, out for ice cream etc. If she feels the need to "buy" for them she could send a couple of dollar bills for the ice cream and a list of places "she" would like to go.

Or you could ask her to send "bits of her life" . I read once in a book about a similar thing and the grandparents and the grandkids each kept an envelope on their fridge where they would drop in bits of their lives (some artwork, something from school, a newspaper clipping, a reciept from a visit to the zoo, a new recipe, a review from a movie or restaurant they visited, a photo or sketch, a cd they liked etc. On Saturday mornings the families would sit down, put together notes about what was in the package and mail it off. It didn't take long, and it was a way of staying connected not just in the moment but all week long. The grandkids in that scenario were older but I still thought it was a wonderful idea.

When they get older there are games you can play by mail (chess is a good one but there are others)
good luck!
Karen

[Maluhia]

Postcards - have her send a postcard to each kid and let them collect them in a book.

[Katielady]

Hi Heavenly,

Just wanted to say again how much I appreciate your candid remarks from this old thread.

My mom has been diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer. Today she was told she has 1 or 2 years to live. I'm so glad that I treated this gift situation gently and erred on the side of kindness to my mom. I know that when she is gone, I would do anything to get another care package from her.

My heart is aching about the dignosis, but I also feel almost excited about the prospect of making every minute of the next few years with my mom count.

I figured I'd bump this thread in case anyone is going through something like this with a relative this holiday season. You never know how long you have with a loved one, and it's important to let the little things go.

peace.
 

Originally Posted by Heavenly 

Honestly? I think you need to let it go. Stop trying to control how your mother expresses her feelings for your children. Books are always great gifts. And if you already bought Halloween costumes you can use the one she sent for dress-up. If there are too many toys make two or three rotations in rubbermaid containers and rotate them out periodically. Seriously, she likes doing this, she finds joy in it. And it is not hurting anyone. It will not teach your children materialism, unless you portray it as materialism. All your kids will think is Grandma loves us so much that every time she is in a store she thinks of us. One day she will be gone and I think you will realize how ridiculous of an issue this is to get so upset about. JMHO.