Anxiety in 6YO. Do I take the next step or is this normal?

[audeesmom]

My daughter is 6.5 and started grade 1 after labor day. She has always been on the anxious side and very clingy, usually opting to stay with me instead of going with anyone anywhere. Occasionally she gets up the will to go on an errand with her dad or only twice with grandma. she is fine at home with a sitter twice a month.
Here is the situation... She is having a hard time transitioning to school. The teacher says she does great at school, not always laughing but seems fine. She is crying in the morning to school and is very negative about school, "I hate it" "I wish I was finished and didn''t have to go" etc. She refuses to try new things, dance, art, music lessons unless I am right there participating with her. I reassure her that I won't leave the building with dance and she asks me 25 times if I am going to leave and then crys through the hour lesson.

We have talked about fears, nervousness, being ok with not doing an activity. I believe I am handling the parenting side appropriately, giving space, and being accommodating, but her moods are affecting her participation in life and having a negative impact on younger siblings.
She also has extreme mood swings when I discipline her, ie. I say something like "You hurt your brother when you hit him" and she over reacts to my requests for better behaviour.

Here's the part I am really frustrated with and don't know how to help her. She says she wants to dance and do art but she is afraid of leaving me. I have tried to explore the statement further but there is no more info. I would like her to have 1 activity to try, but also don't want to push too hard.

Does anyone have experience with an over anxious child? Do I need to seek therapy, if so, what kind of therapy? We are a non medicated family, but i am willing to try anything to help her figure out that she will be ok to do things with out me.

[Dandelionkid]

Check out "the worry dragons" on google. Our neighbor-kid at age 6.5 goes to a free counselor in the city that uses this program and she has found it is helping. Like you her dd would cry when she was left and became very anxious if her mom wasn't around. She doesn't even like to play at our house even though we live next-door. It sounds like it might be time for therapy.

[meemee]

your dd sounds like my dd's bf. he too is still pretty shy. he didnt start any lesson/sports till he was 7 1/2. he still hasnt done a sleepover and he is new 8. he doesnt go for a playdate without his mom, dad or gma. dd and he are onlies and have known each other since they were 6 months old and are like siblings but he wont come over for a playdate without a family member.

however he is a much changed boy since he started baseball at 7 1/2. still not ready to do a sleepover but definitely doing well. he is v. v. v. slow to doing anything new.

now about the transitioning to school - v. v. v. normal AND common for k and 1. 90% of children had trouble from dd's k and 1st classes. in fact some moms would stay back to discuss, ask about this. they take a month or more to settle in. my 8 year old is having this issue too. tantrums and tears start and end of school.

both of them are anxious children.

i would not force her in any classes. can you take her to watch ballet practises? we did that.

i think that is your child's personality - not necessarily a 'problem'. my friends didnt push or say anything. so i dont feel any therapy is required. some kids are just slow to warm up. i know a few on this board and i am sure the mamas will come and post here.

[audeesmom]

Thank you for the info, I'll check into the book Worry Dragons.
also, great idea to watch some classes.Thank you

[LynnS6]

A good book on the subject is "Freeing Your Child From Anxiety". I like it because it gives all sorts of tips for things that you can do, and it assumes that much of the anxiety you can deal with at home. It also has a lot of info on how anxiety works.

(It does have information on when to seek professional help, and where the border between 'anxious (but OK) child' and 'anxious child needing help' is.)

[Devaskyla]

The whole post sounds like ds1, including over reaction to correction. He's homeschooled because he literaly was hysterical at the idea of school.

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by audeesmom

We have talked about fears, nervousness, being ok with not doing an activity. I believe I am handling the parenting side appropriately, giving space, and being accommodating, but her moods are affecting her participation in life and having a negative impact on younger siblings.

I think it is a lot more than just school anxiety, and that what is going on is effecting her whole life and your whole family.

There are several books on anxiety and kids, and this is a nice one:
http://www.amazon.com/Relaxation-Str...ref=pd_sim_b_5

It has exercises to help her work through what is going on with her.

Here's the part I am really frustrated with and don't know how to help her. She says she wants to dance and do art but she is afraid of leaving me. Does anyone have experience with an over anxious child? Do I need to seek therapy, if so, what kind of therapy?

sadly, I do have experience with this. One of my DDs has special needs and an anxiety disorder is a small part of that.

Talk therapy is the best treatment for anxiety. Find a counselor who works with kids and is familiar with cognitive behavioral therapy. It's a process of learning how to think differently about things to feel more peaceful. The therapist can also help you figure out how to parent your child in specific circumstances that come up for the two of you.

This tends to get worse during adolescence, so waiting for a child to outgrow it is not a good idea.

We are a non medicated family, but i am willing to try anything to help her figure out that she will be ok to do things with out me.

There are a lot of other things to try first.

I'm not crazy about meds, but I do see them as a viable last resort.

Originally Posted by meemee

now about the transitioning to school - v. v. v. normal AND common for k and 1. 90% of children had trouble from dd's k and 1st classes.

That part is normal. It isn't normal, though, to want to do something fun like a dance class and just not be able to go.

This isn't a school issues, it's a life issue. A child being miserable and living in fear isn't their personality, it's a problem to overcome so that their real personality can come through. A child's moods ruling over a family isn't healthy. It's something to get to the root of and move past.

GOOD LUCK! I know this is tough stuff!

[meemee]

Originally Posted by Linda on the move

That part is normal. It isn't normal, though, to want to do something fun like a dance class and just not be able to go.

This isn't a school issues, it's a life issue. A child being miserable and living in fear isn't their personality, it's a problem to overcome so that their real personality can come through. A child's moods ruling over a family isn't healthy. It's something to get to the root of and move past.

linda but could it be some kids are a little slow to warm up. CBT is a great thing to have just for life skill i think... but some take time to come out of their shell. i know a few of them - from LLL, homeschooling groups and dd's bf.

they would go watch. they wanted to but were afraid to. but by the age of 7 and 8 they were able to start.

[Linda on the move]

I think that when someone's issues (whatever they are) are limiting their ability to enjoy their life and force their family to tiptoe around them, it's time to get help. I think that when a parent gets to the "I don't know how to help her" point, it's time to get help.

This is a child who sounds truly unhappy and frightened much of the time. I think taking appropriate action so she can be happy makes sense.

If she were just "A little slow to warm up," she would be moving past this at least a little in some area of her life. But she isn't, and the mom doesn't know what else to try.

[Heavenly]

Would you medicate for diabetes? Epilepsy? What if your child had cystic fibrosis? Would you withhold meds for those conditions? I'm not saying your child will need meds but if she does have an anxiety condition why in the world would you withhold the very medications she needs to live a normal life??? Who does that?? My son has bipolar disorder, generalizaed anxiety disorder and separation anxiety disorder. It does sound to me like your child likely has an anxiety disorder. I would recommend an assessment. It is not just disturbing to you life, it is disturbing hers. Once my son was stable on meds he voiced to me how horrible it was to feel like that and how he never wants to feel that way again. If she is diagnosed with an anxiety disorder I hope you are able to see past your ideals and get her the help she needs.

[Magella]

Originally Posted by Linda on the move

I think that when someone's issues (whatever they are) are limiting their ability to enjoy their life and force their family to tiptoe around them, it's time to get help. I think that when a parent gets to the "I don't know how to help her" point, it's time to get help.

This is a child who sounds truly unhappy and frightened much of the time. I think taking appropriate action so she can be happy makes sense.

If she were just "A little slow to warm up," she would be moving past this at least a little in some area of her life. But she isn't, and the mom doesn't know what else to try.

I agree with this.

Two of my kids have suffered from anxiety. My youngest sounds just like your dd, OP, and last year (kindergarten) she really struggled with school. We got her into therapy not long after school started, and she went about every other week for the school year. It helped *so much.* She is still a slow-to-warm up kid and probably always will be, but she's a much, much happier slow-to-warm up kid now. Being able to cope with anxiety is a skill that will serve a person well for their whole lives, and IMO the earlier you deal with anxiety the better. It's worth it to find a professional who can help them do that, and who can help you help your child. (Definitely find a person who works frequently, if not solely, with kids, and who has a background in cognitive behavioral therapy.)

In our (too long) experience with multiple therapists and anxiety that was very disruptive to our girls' lives, we were never offered medication as a first action to take. Only once, after quite some time, did someone discuss medication as an option to explore if we felt our child needed it (but she never ended up on any meds-and hopefully won't need them in the future, though we'd be okay with it if she did). Therapy was always the first action taken.

[LynnS6]

Originally Posted by Linda on the move

I think that when someone's issues (whatever they are) are limiting their ability to enjoy their life and force their family to tiptoe around them, it's time to get help. I think that when a parent gets to the "I don't know how to help her" point, it's time to get help.

I agree, which is why I recommended the book "Freeing Your Child From Anxiety". If you try the things in that book and they don't work, then it's time to have your child assessed for anxiety and treated by a professional.

I have a 'slow to warm up' child who also tends toward anxiety. By 6-7, he was able to separate easily, but certain things definitely made him anxious. We had him assessed for anxiety at age 8. The result was "a little anxious, but let's watch and wait". It was the right decision, because within the next year, he developed tremendously and a lot of his anxiety became more manageable. He was able to talk about it, start to recognize the symptoms and think about it.

Ds may still need therapy for anxiety at some point in time. I'd much rather he get it early and develop good skills than to wait and wish I'd had helped him earlier. If you're at the end of what you can do with typical parenting, it may well be time to call in the professionals.

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by Magella

She is still a slow-to-warm up kid and probably always will be, but she's a much, much happier slow-to-warm up kid now.

I really like how you explained this! My DD is also a slow-to-warm up person. She will most likely be a slow-to-warm up adult. But now she is a slow-to-warm-up teen who can participate in mellow things of her own choosing and who smiles.

the earlier you deal with anxiety the better.

yes. our mind gets used to the way we think, so the more years a person is immobilized by anxiety, the more ingrained those though patterns become

In our (too long) experience with multiple therapists and anxiety that was very disruptive to our girls' lives, we were never offered medication as a first action to take.

I brought meds up after a while with my DD's therapist and we had decided on a plan and deadline for improvement. I've totally made my peace with meds, even though my DD got past that hump. She may need them in the future, and I would not let her suffer when there is something we could do.

I'm not a huge fan of narcotics, but after my other DD broke her arm, I was more than happy for her pain to be relieved. Everything has it's place.

[Magella]

(A quick : to Linda regarding meds. Everything has a place.)

I just wanted to add a thought I was having trouble putting into words earlier, which may or may not be relevant to you. One thing that held me back for awhile in getting my dd into therapy initially was a sort of mish-mash of doubt (about whether she really needed help) and the stigma that still surrounds seeking mental health care. I think I'm not alone in struggling with the stigma, and looking back I realize I wasn't fully aware of how much that stigma was influencing me. I worried a lot about my dd being "labeled."

Once we started with therapy, I realized that 1) a professional evaluation can help me know whether or not my child needs help, and can help me better identify what's going on with her and 2) I needn't have worried about the stigma (or "labels"). We never experienced anything like labeling or people viewing our kids differently because of going to therapy, or our kids' having negative feelings about needing therapy-on the contrary, they both (especially my little one) liked going because it helped so much. The way the therapist encouraged us to explain it to my dd's, and the way we did explain it and actually experience it was this: the therapist is a person who teaches kids about feelings. We added examples like: There are lots of times in life when we need someone to help us learn something. Like, if a person wants to learn to play an instrument, they go to someone who knows how to play it and ask for help learning. The therapist is a person who helps kids learn about their feelings and how to handle them, so that kids can feel better. Lots of kids and adults need a little help with feelings sometimes.

And if it helps, what you describe in your OP is what I called "social anxiety" in my dd. You may find that term helpful when looking for resources and information.

[audeesmom]

Magella, your last post describes my thoughts exactly about labels and not knowing if there's an issue (or if I am making it out to be). Your post is really helpful!

I will be researching a therapist for dd-then for sure i can know if it's anxiety or not. I feel her behaviour is affecting our daily lives...leaving her crying at school and knowing in my head she is ok-because the teacher tells me so- but in my heart worrying all day until I pick her up to make sure she is alright. Or tiptoeing around her, feeling way on the edge and never knowing whether she will erupt in anger or tears, whereas ds I find myself less tense and saying "oh, I can relax".

Thanks again!

[BCFD]

OP, I feel for you!! I am actually thinking about getting my almost 6 year old some intervention with this very issue. Here are some examples:

*She was so excited to start karate (we had done a trial of Kung Fu when she had just turned 4). The private session went great. We go in for our first group lesson and she freaks out so bad that she was screaming/crying that she was scared because "there are too many kids".

*She wouldn't have anything to do with swimming lessons because she "was afraid she would have to jump in the pool" (that is something that they were expected to do). She absolutely would not get into a pool without her arm floaties even though her younger sister is practically qualified to start competitive swimming. All of her friends the same age are also swimming and have taken swimming lessons.

*She was completely excited to play soccer. First practice she was slow to warm up, but after 20 minutes she had a complete nervous breakdown because she "couldn't kick the ball straight" and spent the next two practices crying and pouting. Her sister and two good friends were on the same team. :::sigh::: DD2 continues, one of her best friends plays on another team, yet she wants nothing to do with it. She loves, I mean *LOVES* to run and I was so sure that soccer would be her sport. But alas...

She is constantly afraid of everything! We finally managed to start going through the drop off loop at school where she walks to her class with her sister. She is in 1st grade, DD2 started kindy this year. Today the teacher told me they started to take attendance and noticed she wasn't there, so the teacher just happens to open the door and there she was - STANDING OUTSIDE!! She said she was "too afraid to open the door because they might send her home". GAAAAAHHHHH!!!! This one really has me worried. I mean, now we're talking safety issues.

This goes on constantly! She finally has managed to take violin lessons after school (it's through the school) and so far so good. I know that I can't force her into anything and I wouldn't dream of trying that. But it makes me so sad to watch my other two children so gung ho about everything and watching her waiting in the wings out of fear.

Sometimes I wonder if because she was my first child that I baby her too much. We still co-sleep and I confess that she probably gets away with more than my other two children. That's something I'm working really hard on recognizing with my own behavior. I feel like we have a great routine in our lives, full of fun and laughter, love and affection, yet she has this irrational fear of practically everything.

Just wanted to share my story with you and I will be checking this thread to take note of all the great suggestions. Gonna check out that book ASAP!