Quad (commited union of four: 2M & 2F). WDYT?

[Yulia_R]

Well, the title pretty much says it all: what do you think of a marriage (a commited life-long union) of four (two males & two females) instead of marriage of two?

Both, my husband and I are potentially find the idea very appiling. However, while I am ready to go for it, dh is not . He thought he would when we talked about it a couple of months ago, but now he isn't .

Anyway, just wanted to hear your oppinions and possibly experienses.

[phathui5]

I think it would be overly complicated.

[MorgnsGrl]

No personal experience with it. I think it has the potential to be very rewarding, but also a lot of work! It's hard to balance life when you have a relationship with one person -- when you add in all those other relationships, I think it gets even harder. I think everyone has to be very committed to making it work, realistic about their own abilities, feelings and expectations, and willing to spend a lot of time talking through issues.

[candipooh]

Everyone would have to be totally on board. And on board all the way not just pretending to be on board because that it what their partner wants.

[kathteach]

In theory it sounds nice but it has the potential for so many problems especially when kids are in the mix.

I read this article--I wish I could find it for you. I think it was in ReadyMade magazine. The author was a child in this kind of situation and if I remember correctly it broke his heart when the arrangement broke up after some years and he lost his "sisters."

What about it appeals to you? (I'm asking because I really want to know.)

[nextcommercial]

I don't think it would work out long term. But, I also think if one member is hesitant, the whole idea doesn't have a chance.

[rightkindofme]

I think you should go find the Poly Families thread in Queer Parenting.

I know people who have done very well in quads. I have known quads where things have blown up spectacularly. You need 100% commitment from all parties and that is hard to find. It's hard to find a couple you click with like that; I mean... it's hard enough to find one person to spend your life with, let alone finding one person then another couple you perfectly match with. The odds are hard.

[~Em~]

The only arrangement like that that I have known exploded hideously - the fact that the children were never put first in the arrangement was a big turn-off for me too. I have no moral qualms about it, but when you have kids in a situation like that, their emotional needs are paramount. The odds are against you in a traditional marriage - IMO they get proportionally slimmer the more people you add into the equation.

You say you and your husband find the idea very appealing, but then that your husband is hesitant. Perhaps he really just likes the idea as a fantasy, now that he's had time to mull over the practical aspects and potential difficulties.

[Rani]

Quads can work quite well if planned out...and I mean PLANNED...household expenses, duties, sex..all of it. Kids as PP's mentioned. You need to do research on Polyamoury and poly families first. What you may want to do, if hubby gets onboard is have a trial...don't buy a house together, rent one for 6months or a year and see how things go.

These fail because assumptions are made without communication about everything from how the cooking gets done to who pays the rent. So plan, communicate and RESEARCH!

Why don't you four take a vacation together, living in a cabin or traveling somewhere...if you can't get along for 5 days....well....

[Yulia_R]

Originally Posted by candipooh

Everyone would have to be totally on board. And on board all the way not just pretending to be on board because that it what their partner wants.

yes, this is the idea. Everyone has to be entirely on board and honest to the extreme about their feelings and concerns.

[Yulia_R]

Originally Posted by kathteach

I read this article--I wish I could find it for you. I think it was in ReadyMade magazine. The author was a child in this kind of situation and if I remember correctly it broke his heart when the arrangement broke up after some years and he lost his "sisters."

What about it appeals to you? (I'm asking because I really want to know.)

The idea was not to have many more kids in this union. Perhaps just one more child, if any. The purpose of this union isn't having/raising more kids.

What appeals me? A lot, actually. First of all, as intellectually stimulating as my husband is for me (he is a VERY smart person, the smartest I have ever met, actually), he is not very stimulating for me physically. I am pretty advanced physically (martial arts, gymnastics, yoga, rock climbing, etc), I like extreme sports with adrenalin rushing through the blood. I need my partner to be able to challenge me at that, to be better than me, stronger than me when it comes to that matter, it is very important to me, as I realized recently. DH can not . I also am tired from an old good--but boring--vanila sex (don't get me wrong, our intimacy is satisfying for me physically, but not emotionally for the reason I have mentioned earlier...I want intensity, I want my male partner (or one of my male partners, for that matter) to be able to give me this intensity. I want this wonderful sisters-like connection with another girl. It just all sounds very special.

Furthermore, I think a marriage of four is a much more ballanced relationship (or at least has a potential to be as such). For example, in a marriage of two, in the moments when you feel angry toward your husband or "sick and tired of him" you are there stuck in it, blowing all the anger and frustration right into his face. In the marriage of four, on the other hand, there are two more people to ballance individual arguments out both with their calm uninvolved (into this particular fight) energy as well as for example lituraly taking you for a night out and letting your steam go out in a healthy way instead of blowing it at the partner you are angry with. And of course when the girls are sick and tired of boys we can go have our own night out instead, ranting and venting about the boys to each other till we both feel much better . And so on. Sleeping arrengements can be also thought in such a way that there will be a place to sleep for all of us, there will be also a bed for two or just a place for one person to crash if this is what one feels like doing. So it would really open up alot of freedome and sexual possibilities in this marriage.

[EviesMom]

I also say find the poly families thread. While I have seen it work out beautifully, I have also seen implosions. I think expecting or forcing a relationship into that mold is a recipe for disaster, but if it naturally grows that direction it could be wonderful for all. If you haven't even found another couple you like, I think expecting to end up in a cohousing/comarriage situation is premature.

[Yulia_R]

Originally Posted by Rani

Why don't you four take a vacation together, living in a cabin or traveling somewhere...if you can't get along for 5 days....well....

Vacation would be a good idea, I thought of that. If dh ever ready for a quad and once we find the two potential condidates, I think this is exactly what we should do .

[Yulia_R]

Originally Posted by EviesMom

I also say find the poly families thread. While I have seen it work out beautifully, I have also seen implosions. I think expecting or forcing a relationship into that mold is a recipe for disaster, but if it naturally grows that direction it could be wonderful for all. If you haven't even found another couple you like, I think expecting to end up in a cohousing/comarriage situation is premature.

Few things to point out here.
Cohousing is a term for a community-minded neighborhood, has nothing to do with a status of one marriage. It's a matter of fact, for the past three years we have been living in a co-housing near Boulder (once again it has nothing to do with anything except with a fact that people in a co-housing are very community minded. Everyone owns their own house).
Second, I do not want finding a couple. It just does not feel right. DH and I is a couple already, nothing can be done about it. But I think it is not the best dinamics to try to integrate other people into the union of two. Ideally, it would be four different people coming together into the union. Unfortunately, since this is impossible (since we are a couple already), at least we can try to have two other people who aren't yet a couple. Not sure if I am going a good job at explaining the reasons behind it, but it makes sense to me and dh (once I pointed this out to him, he 'got it' and agreed with me on this).
And yes, no one should be forced into this. Quad would never work without 100% honesty.

[Yulia_R]

Originally Posted by EviesMom

I also say find the poly families thread. While I have seen it work out beautifully, I have also seen implosions. I think expecting or forcing a relationship into that mold is a recipe for disaster, but if it naturally grows that direction it could be wonderful for all. If you haven't even found another couple you like, I think expecting to end up in a cohousing/comarriage situation is premature.

How/where can I find it? I'd love to read the thread. I typed "poly" in the search, but got nothing

[EviesMom]

Originally Posted by Yulia_R

Few things to point out here.
Cohousing is a term for a community-minded neighborhood, has nothing to do with a status of one marriage.

I've been poly for 13 years, so I know what the terms are. I've never had any interest in living with anyone besides DH. Living with others is a different kind of dynamic, and I think of it as having to do with housing/parenting expectations versus those of open marriage situations.

Consider carefully the challenge involved in finding people and really looking at what the other partners-- your DH and both of the other potential partners would get out of such a relationship. It can work, but every additional adult in a household quadruples the complexity in my experience.

[luvmybaby333]

I don't think there's anything wrong with quad relationships at all... I do think they have the potential to become very complicated, but that's true of almost any romantic arrangement. Like others, I think that in order for things to go smoothly EVERYONE has to be on board 100%. This can't be something agreed to for the sake of keeping a partner happy. This has to be something that all four parties deeply desire on their own.

However, I'll be honest. It sounds very much like you are not satisfied with your relationship with your husband. You are dissatisfied with things that apparently can't or won't change. I really do not thing adding 2 more people to your relationship is going to improve anything in that respect. If anything (and it sounds like your husband may have realized this over the past couple months), it has the potential to be quite devastating to your husband. When you turn to others for so much of your needed stimulation, but reserve the "intelligent conversation" for him. Just the fact of knowing he's not enough would be incredibly hurtful and detrimental to any sort of healthy relationship, IMO.

[Yulia_R]

Originally Posted by EviesMom

I've been poly for 13 years, so I know what the terms are. I've never had any interest in living with anyone besides DH. Living with others is a different kind of dynamic, and I think of it as having to do with housing/parenting expectations versus those of open marriage situations.

Consider carefully the challenge involved in finding people and really looking at what the other partners-- your DH and both of the other potential partners would get out of such a relationship. It can work, but every additional adult in a household quadruples the complexity in my experience.

Sorry about correcting about co-housing. It just we live in a co-housing community and everyone gets upset when people think that a concept of a co-housing is a religion/poly/or any other concept that unites those people (because there isn't one except that all those people want to live in a community where people know their neighbors and are ready to offer a supporting shoulder to their neighbors when one is in need of it).

[Yulia_R]

Originally Posted by luvmybaby333

I don't think there's anything wrong with quad relationships at all... I do think they have the potential to become very complicated, but that's true of almost any romantic arrangement. Like others, I think that in order for things to go smoothly EVERYONE has to be on board 100%. This can't be something agreed to for the sake of keeping a partner happy. This has to be something that all four parties deeply desire on their own.

However, I'll be honest. It sounds very much like you are not satisfied with your relationship with your husband. You are dissatisfied with things that apparently can't or won't change. I really do not thing adding 2 more people to your relationship is going to improve anything in that respect. If anything (and it sounds like your husband may have realized this over the past couple months), it has the potential to be quite devastating to your husband. When you turn to others for so much of your needed stimulation, but reserve the "intelligent conversation" for him. Just the fact of knowing he's not enough would be incredibly hurtful and detrimental to any sort of healthy relationship, IMO.

Well, you are right. DH does not want the quad idea to be an escape from our problems. And yes, he does know about my need for the intensity and the physical stimulation.
I though think if I can get that from the other partner (or both other partners) it can make things beautiful.

[EviesMom]

Here's the current poly families thread: http://www.mothering.com/discussions...highlight=poly

If you search on "poly" in Advanced Search and check off "Queer Parenting" as the subforum, you should find the threads you're looking for.

I know cohousing means something different, but I do know triads that live together and triads that although they have had a marriage ceremony, live apart. Differentiating the two for me is the housing situation. (I only know a quad that lives apart). Sharing physical space with more people adds complexity on top of that added by the long term commitment. Can you start with arranging ways outside of your marriage to meet some of your other needs, like an exercise partner? It just sounds like from couple unsure about poly to quad is an awfully big leap to start. Try a non-romantic exercise partner, maybe then a romantic situation, let it grow a little slower.