Is it normal not to have a sex drive?

[mariekitt24]

I was at a loss as to where to post this so I apologize if its in the wrong place or if it's too inappropriate to be posting.
My husband and I used to have a very healthy sex life. After I hit the second trimester of first pregnancy, I lost my sex drive. After the baby was born, I breastfed him and still never got it back. While still breastfeeding, I discovered I am pregnant again. and I of course plan to breastfeed this next baby too. I'm really sick of not having a sex drive, mainly for my husband's sake. It seems like the general public believes having sex multiple times a week is normal, and I feel guilty that I dont give my husband that. (I still try to satisfy him but I have to force myself.)

1. is it normal, to lose one's sex drive while pregnant or breastfeeding?
2. did it happen to you, and did you ever get it back?
3. about how often did you..have sex..while you were pregnant and/or breastfeeding?
4. Is there anything that can be done to improve it and should I stop feeling guilty?

[ann_of_loxley]

Yes I think it is normal.

First baby around - in pregnancy my sex drive rose. So much so my poor DH couldn't keep up! I continued to feel that way after having my son.

Second baby though....it went down - way down! Still is and DS2 is 5 months old today. We have honestly not had sex since I ovulated (we were charting! lol). Seriously.

I feel no sex drive coming back anytime soon.

I think you should stop feeling guilty because it is normal. If it is becoming a problem for your other half - it is something that you two need to talk about though. There are other ways to show affection in the mean time. I don't know if my sex drive will come back - DS2 is only 5 months old so we shall see! I had to take care of myself with our first son becaues it was too much for DH to take...he can do the same this time around

[Fujiko]

My son is 8 months old and I still have 0 sex drive. Sorry DH!
I think my 3rd degree tear complicated things. It's NOT "good as new". There is a band of tissue around the opening that doesn't stretch. OUCH.

[ann_of_loxley]

Oh - and I saw this program once about sex (documentary, not dirty!) and it said that the more you have sex - the more you desire it! So, if it becomes a real problem between you and your other half - maybe its something you could just jump into for their benefit? (I know I have done that in the past) and find yourself with a sex drive soon after? I know I had a friend (who didn't BF at all by the way) who had no sex drive after having their second child and she went to her doctor and that is what he told her. He actually recommended she masturbate because the more you have sex - the more you desire it he said! She wanted her sex drive back for her DHs benefit and that is what he recommended! He also recommended that they do a lot of foreplay and NO sex for awhile - and do more romantic stuff like massages, etc to help build their sexual relationship in the meantime.

[mariekitt24]

thanks guys, that does make me feel better. I had a third degree tear too. definitely not "good as new"!

[Contrariety]

I WANT TO want to have sex, but when it comes down to it, bleh. DD is almost a year and it's still not enjoyable. She had a ginormous head which resulted in some POP, which doesn't help, but I can't eliminate BF as a large contributing factor to my lack of drive. With DS, we didn't get back to having a "good" sex life until well after he weaned entirely at 20 mos.

DH got a vas after DD was born, and I feel bad for him because he thought no worry over pregnancy would equal lots more sex, but... it hasn't. I am making a continual effort at least once a week to try and reconnect, but with my POP, it's just not that good and i have a hard time WANTING to.

[mariekitt24]

I feel the same way, I really WANT to want to. Sorry to have to ask, but what does POP stand for?

[Peony]

I think of it as build in child spacing assistance. VERY common with others feeling this way, I lead mom support groups and this is one of the top subjects, always.

I've felt this way for 8 years now, I have 3 children, and never had a break between breastfeeding. I don't think it it just related to bfing (the hormones do assist though) but more of a mother thing because heck, we are tired, getting up in the middle of the night, lying there thinking about the one more thing that we must do, and sometimes we just want everyone OFF of us, DH included.

[ASusan]

1. is it normal, to lose one's sex drive while pregnant or breastfeeding?

Yes

2. did it happen to you, and did you ever get it back?

Yes. No drive, or inkling of a drive until DS was at least 24 mos.

3. about how often did you..have sex..while you were pregnant and/or breastfeeding?

I'm pretty sure we had sex once in 24+ mos (from 6 weeks before birth until at least 18 mos PP or more). We attempted once around 6 mos pp, but it was too painful for me

4. Is there anything that can be done to improve it and should I stop feeling guilty?

Hand jobs and blow jobs. Getting another adult in the home to take over in the evening/throughout the night. I'll probably come back and erase this later.

[THBVsMommy]

I'm so glad to read these stories. I'm in the very same boat. My sex drive is nil. Non-existent. I feel horribly for DH because he tries so hard to be understanding, but I know he misses the closeness we used to ALWAYS share. I try to be intimate with him atleast once a week. I never WANT to have sex, but I'm always glad, afterwards, that I followed through with it.