Exhausted, depressed. Please help.

[ashleybess]

My nearly 11-month-old son still wakes up at least every two hours. He's pretty much been this way since birth, with a few isolated incidents of 5,6, or 7-hour stretches. I feed him solids three times a day, as much as he'll take, and always make sure dinner is something substantial. Sometimes I bring him back to bed with me when he wakes in the night, but for the most part we don't co-sleep. I wanted to, but he was born a month early and spent nine days in the NICU (a horrible experience for both of us), and when I try co-sleeping, he'll lie peacefully while he's nursing but then once he pulls off he'll usually begin kicking and fussing until I put him back in his crib, where he'll go back to sleep peacefully. When he wakes to nurse, sometimes he'll nurse for twenty minutes and sometimes it'll be an hour or more. Sometimes I'll drift off in the rocking chair and wake to find my arms are numb. I'm exhausted and depressed. I just don't feel like myself. I had pretty bad PPD for the first few months, but around four to five months things really got brighter and I began to really enjoy him and feel like a mother. But I'm beginning to feel again like I felt those early days - like I just can't take it anymore. I feel guilty because I find myself getting frustrated with him during the day. I suppose this is true of almost all babies at this age, but he's a very active child and he likes to be held a lot. I feel like I can't do this anymore. My husband is wonderful and supportive, but I'm afraid to tell him I'm feeling this way again because I don't want to bring him down. Please help.

[nola79]

I don't have any advice, but I want to let you know that I feel your pain. My dd is almost 8 months, and every night is touch and go. I too am exhausted and depressed. It sucks.

[Mama_of_1]

To comiserate, our DD is now 12.5 mos and is in the same state. We co-sleep and she has woken up to nurse or comfort suckle everywhere from hourly to a miraculous night with only two wakings.

I, too, am in a horrible state right now. Depression has set in and I dread starting the nighttime because I know that I will likely not reach REM sleep. We are now at the stage where she is walking fully, and has started having nightmares. Fun! not

My only suggestion to get help. Tell your husband that you are struggling. You are in this together and are partners. He needs to know that you may need help. Find a counselor that can help you. Find someone that can watch your DS during the day for a couple of hours so you can rest (if you are staying at home with him). When he goes down for his nap, you lay down too - every single time. Every little bit helps. It's not much, but even one power nap will help elevate your hormones to a more normal level. Make sure that you work on eating the right things to keep your body healthy.

I do know how you're feeling right now.

[Hannah32]

I just want to say that sleep deprivation has serious mental and physical effects, on adults and children. The three situations described above must change if you are going to be healthy moms.

Gotta say, it makes me question the nighttime concept of attachment parenting to read posts like these. AP doesn't mean matyring your psychological health to ensure your child's comfort. That can't be necessary. There has to be a middle ground between harsh sleep training and mommy martyr meltdown mode.

I hope you ladies can find it. At the very least, I'd suggest you split the night into two shifts with your husband. I've read that a 4 hour chunk of sleep is necessary to prevent serious problems, according to neurologists.

[Fujiko]

I'm right there with you. I'm angry and sleep deprived and I won't ask my dh to help because he's got his own problems and I'm afraid he'll just throw it in my face if I want to have another baby. Right now my baby is crying in his crib because he won't sleep without my boob in his mouth. And I can't be his personal pacifier for 14 hours of a day. I have another child that needs to be supervised at the very least.

[LadyCatherine185]

my DS was a horrible sleeper until we nightweaned at 19 months.. I feel your pain. The only thing that got me through those rough times was cosleeping, though. Have you thought about side-carring his crib next to your bed? What about putting a mattress to the floor next to your bed so you don't have to get up and down as much?

[Louisep]

We made some critical changes just in the nick of time and it all centered on my getting lie ins every morning and DH taking over at night when I just couldn't take it anymore. If it was a work day, I would get up to 1 hour extra sleep in the morning. It it was the weekend, I would get up to 3 hours in the morning. I also napped religiously. There were many nights when I just couldn't get DS back to sleep no matter what I did, so I would have DH take over and sleep for a few hours in a different room. IMHO, by 11 months a baby can live without his mama for a few hours if s/he is with another loving person. I couldn't have done this at 8 months with my high needs DS, but by 11 months, it was okay.

We also got DH involved in putting DS to sleep at night, so that was one less stress on me. Finally, we night weaned at 12 months, dropped to one nap and DS went from waking every 1-2 hours to every 2-3. Two months later at 14 months, DS's teeth came through and he started doing 4-5 hour stretches. At this point, DH and I were able to switch off with DS. So that every other night I would go to sleep all by myself and not deal with night time parenting.

Can you make any changes like these? I feel your pain and isolation and despair.

[love2mother]

Just a thought. .. .would your baby take a bottle of expressed milk, allowing you to sleep and DH could get up? I don't know what your family situation is, but maybe a relative could come and give you some "breaks" (day or night)?

I agree- it's important you tell DH! He needs to know how you are feeling.
It's good you are recognizing & discussing your feelings and not ignoring them!
As Oprah always says, being a mom is the hardest job on the planet!

Hang in there mama. This too shall pass.

[Tattooed Hand]

My DD is 9.5 months and I could have written your post. not only am I depressed, I am near physical collapse and having a hard time even taking care of her. My part time babysitter just bailed on me and DH has a really demanding job. Still, I've asked to begin splitting the night into shifts at least 3 nights a week because otherwise I might totally meltdown. DD is super high needs so the daytimes are strenuous as well. We already co-sleep, and are tinkering with the arrangement because while I am sure it is saving me sleep, it's still not a wake, nurse, go back to sleep thing. It disturbs my sleep.

Something has got to give and while I won't do harsh sleep training, we are alone, with not much money and I literally feel like I am about to die some days. DH is barely hanging on by a thread as well.

Thanks for the suggestions, Louisep... I'd love to hear from others too. My DD does not take a bottle, btw.

[ashleybess]

Thanks so much to everyone for all the replies and suggestions. The night after I wrote this, my son only woke up ONCE and has been only waking once or twice a night since! I feel better than I've felt in months. I don't know what that last bad spell was about, but it sure did linger! I agree that we cannot give so much of ourselves to our children that we become debilitated, I just didn't know what to do! I've never intentionally let him 'cry it out', but a few times I have collapsed, exhausted, while he was still crying, and I know from experience that he does not stop until I go in there and pop a boob in his mouth. He's been sleeping with us from the time he wakes (usually between 1 and 4) and he's actually been doing better with that and sleeping (mostly) peacefully.

[ashleybess]

Unfortunately he does not take expressed milk, btw.

[Rani]

Also remember too...although its hard not to be resentful..often the long stretches of okay sleeping, then horrible nights? Can mean the dc is working on something. Two steps forward, one step back is a normal pattern. I found that if she was working on a milestone, sleep became tricky or awful..once the milestone was achieved, went back to normal.

Hope this helps...