I can't change ex, how can I help DS?

[terran631]

My ex and I have been divorced for about five years now. He sees our two children ds(12) and dd(7) one day a week, pretty much to take ds to his flag football games. Well last weekend while I was at work, ds went to his game. EX dropped him off at my work afterwards and I noticed Ds was limping really bad. He had hurt his knee in the game. I told him to sit down and put ice on it, and I would look at it in a minute.

While I was looking at his knee, ds said he hated his father. I really don't like the word "hate" but I just nodded and asked why. Apparently when Ds hurt his knee, the coach pulled him from the game. It was swelling pretty bad. Ex got angry with ds because he didn't ask to go back into the game. That "he had gotten up early for nothing because ds didn't even play" "Ds is a quitter and has no heart, no passion, and no drive" because he didn't play injured.

The knee was a severe sprain and he's had to brace it and walk with crutches this week. He's ok, but it wasn't just something he could walk off. Even if it was, the things ex said to ds really were hurtful to him. I've tried to encourage him and tell him that he is not a quitter and if he had tried to play injured he could have really hurt himself. I had the doctor explain this to him as well.

I was livid and called ex and told him off. I'm not proud of how I handled that part, but I was just so angry and so hurt for my son that I was seeing red. My parents are going to take ds to his games but I know this kind of thing will happen again. DO I tell ds to ignore his father's critical and hurtful remarks? How do I help him? I'm through trying to save his relationship with ex. I just can't justify him anymore.

[hillymum]

You are not responsible for your ex's relationship with his(your) son. he and only he is. All you can do is discuss with youyr son how he feels about why his father acts this way and how it makes him feel. r some ways he can handle negative comments and how he could reply to such comments. Then hug your son really tightly and congratulate yourself for doing what you could to remove yourself and your children from your ex!

[provocativa]

also, in some states at age 12 kids get a say in visitation. so document this incident, and any others you recall.

[MissLotus]

You know, I don't like to think of a child having to be angry, but on the other hand, his anger at his father is a healthy thing, because it means he's not just meekly accepting the nasty criticisms from his father. Which, by the way, made me see red just reading them. What kind of father wants his growing child to play injured? He's a CHILD! Even his coach thought it best to pull him out. It's good that the doctor explained it to him too. But honestly - I too would hate a parent who treated me like that. What else is there to feel?

My son does Little League, and I know there's some kind of rule about parental conduct - about how they should only encourage kids and not criticize, coerce them to play when they don't want, etc. I can't remember the wording exactly, but it's along those lines. Can you discuss with the coach if there's something like that for your son's team - ask him for a print-out of it and let him know your son's father needs a refresher course. I wonder, too: Does your son even want to play football, or is it only to please his father - who sounds pretty maniacal about it. My ex wanted our son to play football, but to me it's way too rough and ex, too, would like our kid out there to boost up his own (ex's) sense of masculinity. Those are the wrong reasons. I told ex that if he likes football so much, he can make some friends and go out and play it himself. If your son likes it, great. But if he's just doing it to please his father, I'd let him quit.

As for what to tell your son, I think you're doing a good job. It might give you additional ideas, though, to have him talk to a therapist because no doubt this dynamic goes beyond the football field. Maybe the school therapist is a good place to start - he/she might have dealt with over-zealous sports parents. But I wouldn't justify your ex's behavior because there is no excuse for it. I struggle with this myself - balancing between not bad-mouthing ex but letting our son know when the behavior isn't okay. Try to take comfort in the fact that your son knows he has one sane, supportive parent who will stand up for him and love him no matter what.

[FireFrog]

What your ex said to your son is verbally and emotionally abusive. Plain and simple.

I took my ex back to court for emotionally abusing my 13 year old DD and received primary custody. It was a long court battle (11 months), but totally worth it. Also, my DD goes to counseling to help her process what happened. It helped her to have an uninvolved third party to validate her pain.

Good luck.

[meemee]

my ex is not like yours. he does get on dd but anyone call tell it does come out of concern. of course it drives me batty...

first of all my dd knows she is welcome to talk to me about ANYTHING - which includes me and my unfairness.

i show her my philosophy. which is a person is not his action. his one action does not colour his total personality. i hate those good and bad terms. i have always told dd that daddy and mommy truly loves her. but sometimes we fail. we try too hard and make wrong decisions. or sometimes just dont know how to react and say the wrong things.

it is not my job to save my ex's relationship with dd. it IS my job to help her be open minded and see various angles. ex has been mean to her and everything but as with anyone i tell her not to judge him. he is trying the best he can at that point of time. it maybe hurtful and painful for you or anyone but you have to realise that daddy really isnt thinking.

i sit and hold regular grieving circles with dd. poor me. life just does not go our way. i grieve that when i have to study for a major exam that's exactly the time dd has her tantrum and by the endn of it i am exhausted from stress and dealing with her to prepare well for an exam. i am brutally honest with her in an age appropriate way.

we grieve about people and ourselves making the wrong choices. she is going thru an emotional growth spurt so she is really having a hard time. so she is able to understand or relate to what's going on with me.

also she grieves that daddy doesnt 'see' her like i do. he still cant see her for who she is. that is her biggest painful moment. even tho ex doesnt comeout and say things like yours, by his actions he does the same thing.

dd knows i am pissed off with her dad. but i never bad mouth him. or at least i try not to. i do in my extreme frustration. when dd brought something to my notice AND she was smart enough to tell her 2nd grade teacher who gave her dad a talking to and he stopped badmouthing me in front of dd. i know it hurts dd much more if anyone says anything about her parents instead of herself.

however personality plays a big deal here.

the key i think that is of crucial importance to dd is human touch. i think us cosleeping is really, really helpful to her. or cuddles to wake her up or cuddles through out the day. its like therapy for her. she NEEDS a lot of cuddling - not from her friends or anyone else but me. though i think most children do and they get the most from their mom which is why they are so so so deeply affected when their mom dies when they are young.

today most of my parenting is done thru words.