what will she be when she grows up?

[cheery]

Many of us are "full time" moms and have either never had outside careers or let go of them. Some of miss the office, some don't but this is what we chose and we derive profound joy as well as creative and intellectual stimulation from mothering.

What about our daughters? What message do we send them? My dd (age 7) has said almost everything under the sun in response to what she wants to be when she grows up but yesterday we happened to talk about "the future" and she said that she wanted to get married, have a baby and homeschool her children, if they wanted to.

Why did my heart sink? Why do I feel like rushing out and getting biographies of women who have achieved great things in their careers? Why do I not want my dd thinking from now on that she will be doing the same thing I am doing?

What example am I setting...???

help!?!?

[EviesMom]

I have only very recently become a SAHM. I'll be happy if my DD grows up to be a SAHM parent. I would like her to have something that she is passionate about and does before and after raising children though. I expect to work again someday, when my children are older and may well be homeschooling but will be more independent about it. I also let her know that you can be many different things in a lifetime, and we talk about the things I have been/studied besides parenthood. I also didn't have children young though, and was still on the younger end at 30 to start having kids for my geographic area.

[cappuccinosmom]

If I had a daughter, I'd be very happy if she wanted to sah and homeschool her children. I do that for a reason--I believe babies and small children are designed to need their mamas, and we are designed to uniquely fill those needs and it benefits both when we can arrange things so that we're at home. I know lots of people disagree with me, but that's why I don't believe that i am a bad example.

Unless you make SAH a *rule* for right living and emotionally blackmail her into doing it, your daughter will grow up and do what she wants to do. If she wants to be a SAHM, your grandbabies will benefit from that. And if she sees you doing other stuff once she doesn't need you, she will understand that the time at home is a season, not a 'life-sentance'.

[marimara]

I think about this. I tell my dd all about my careers and jobs before she was born. She sees me doing other things that I enjoy like painting, artwork, crocheting, sewing, gardening and we talk about that. We talk about the different jobs that people do and how I've chosen to do this job because I think it's important. She's still really young, but when she's older I want to impress on her that I had a child and started mothering after I went to college and had a career which is what I would like to see her doing. I really don't want her growing up wanting to get preggo at 18 and be a sahm. I'm not trying to knock it but my mom did that and I saw firsthand how difficult that is and want my daughter to get to know herself before she starts mothering and being a wife/gf/partner.
Of course, life happens and I love her no matter what she chooses to do but will encourage her to live her own life first. I see a lot of young moms and many of them are not happy because they didn't have time to develop themselves first. I KNOW I wouldn't have been a good mom had I got pregnant before college and jobs. This isn't against anyone who had babies young either by choice or circumstance but it's my personal wish for my own daughter given my own personal life experiences. I highly value education, learning, and worldliness. I think it would be awesome if she gets to travel, get an education, have some awesome life experiences and then start a family if she chooses. I also enjoy reading her feminist folk tales and female-heroine stories like "The Paper Bag Princess".

[Cyllya]

I don't think it's good for a person's life to be defined primarily by their occupation. I did a quick google search to remember the statistics, and as of January, "Only 45% of Americans are satisfied with their work" and "Only 51% of people find their jobs interesting." I can understand people who love their careers defining themselves with it, but the rest of us? My job is not my life; it's just something I do to fund my life.

If you paint your whole life but never make any money off it, you're still an artist.

[Love_My_Babies]

Do you want your daughter's identity to be tied down by a job or career choice? I have developed my own interests, hobbies and passions not connected to working outside the home. For example, I am running a marathon in a few weeks. Recently, when someone asked my 5 yo what his mommy does, he told them that I am a runner. So, I think the best role model is one that lives a productive, passionate lifestyle, not neccesarily one who has a job or career.

[moominmamma]

While I'm primarily a SAHM, I am also busy with plenty of other stuff that I see as valuable. I work [very] part-time as a physician and as a Suzuki violin teacher, I'm the treasurer on the Board of Directors of one non-profit society and an officer of the Board for another larger one. Like Love_My_Babies I'm a distance runner. I'm a violinist and violist and an active performer around the community. So I don't think my kids are seeing the world as "mommies stay home and daddies have jobs."

I think it's really important for everyone to be contributing to the world around them and to their family. I make sure I do both, and that my dh does both, and that my kids do both. The balance of within-home and out-of-home contributions varies depending on the person and varies over one's lifetime. It's a fluid thing, not defined by gender, and I know my kids see it that way.

Even if for a few years a homeschooling mom is strictly an in-home contributor, I think she's providing the most immediate daily model to her kids of organizational competence, hard work and leadership. Which is a pretty good model for future productive citizens to have, I think. Dad may be providing those things during the day too, but he's doing it mostly out of sight of the children.

Miranda

[zjande]

Well, since I personally think being a sah, homeschooling mama is an amazing & meaningful job, my heart sinks just a tiny bit everytime my 19 yo dd tells me she wants to possibly develop a journalism career! I tell her to try her best to avoid student loans because she won't want to stick her husband with them when she gets married & becomes a sahm. And yes I say this all with a smile & a laugh, & my dd knows that I will be very happy & proud of any job she chooses, as long as she's happy. I just hope she's happiest by being a sahm.

[zeldamomma]

My middle child explained to me gently when she was 6 that when she grows up, her kids are going to go to daycare, because she's going to have a job. My girls seem to be well aware that mothers often work, and I encourage them to be planning for a career. I would be happy if any of my kids decided to be a SAH homeschooling parent when they grow up, but if that doesn't work out, I hope they are able to support themselves either doing work that is meaningful to them, or doing work that allows them time to do what is meaningful to them. I would hate for my dds to grow up with "SAHM" as their only career plan, because I fear it would make them vulnerable to getting stuck in a loveless or abusive marriage. But my kids are interested in many many things, so I think they're more likely to want to do too much than focus only on being a mom.

I do agree with the PP about avoiding debt. Debt is handed out to kids and young adults so easily, and too many people find they've thrown away a bunch of options they never considered because they were sold on an over-priced education before they even knew what they wanted to do. But that's another soapbox.

[newcastlemama]

I am biased, but I think being a SAHM who homeschools is a wonderful career that can have an impact on the world...she would be be doing "great things" to care for her family in that way. Sure we don't make it into a lot of news stories and biographies but that is not what makes people great.

[Savoir Faire]

The example that you are setting is that you love your child and that there are many different paths in life. (And no, I'm not saying those who work or send to school don't love.)

My mother worked full-time, went back to school numerous times for advanced degrees and was gone a lot.

And I stay home and homeschool.

There is no right or wrong way in life. Life is full of seasons. Some people have jobs and then have kids later. Some people have kids early (me, at 24) and then will have their "career" later.

Hopefully, my daughter, who will be 20 when I'm 44, will see me as an adult and watch how I treat the different seasons of my life. She'll see me going back to my original career (journalism), or perhaps getting a different degree or pursuing a passion.

We are not throwing our lives away...you should take it as a compliment that your daughter wants to emulate you. She could have said, "Well, I don't know... but I want to do the opposite of anything you do."

[crunchy_mama]

Originally Posted by newcastlemama

I am biased, but I think being a SAHM who homeschools is a wonderful career that can have an impact on the world...she would be be doing "great things" to care for her family in that way. Sure we don't make it into a lot of news stories and biographies but that is not what makes people great.

I agree. I don't feel demeaned by my job. I think that it is more harmful to women to perpetuate the idea that staying at home to hs or just raise children is some horrible inferior thing to do.

[cappuccinosmom]

I agree. I don't feel demeaned by my job. I think that it is more harmful to women to perpetuate the idea that staying at home to hs or just raise children is some horrible inferior thing to do

[zeldamomma]

Originally Posted by crunchy_mama

I agree. I don't feel demeaned by my job. I think that it is more harmful to women to perpetuate the idea that staying at home to hs or just raise children is some horrible inferior thing to do.

I don't feel demeaned either, but I don't want my daughters to feel like they need marry and have kids to have a fulfilling life. I want them to have options, and I want them to know they can support themselves and their children if need be.

[ocelotmom]

Remember that she's playing with career ideas in general. Don't feel you need to take SAHM any more or less seriously than ballet dancer, firefighter or anything else she's come up with. I mean, you wouldn't seriously want her trying to become a professional ballet dancer, with all the body and psychological stress that comes along with that, right? But if she suggested it, you'd probably smile and nod, and possibly even look into ballet lessons, because you would know that it's most likely a passing thing. At 7, I wanted to be an archaeologist. By the time I graduated from high school, that idea held no appeal whatsoever

I can see SAHM being a bigger worry, because it's an easy position to just fall into by default, and can be hard to get out of without good support. But at this point, it's really still just an idea she's playing with.

If you're worried (which I wouldn't be now, but if it's still her life ambition come the preteen/teen years and you're concerned), you can seek out homeschooling or stay at home parent families with different structures to get her exposed to other possibilities. In my old homeschooling group, it was very common for one parent to work full time, and one to work a part-time job, or a job with a non-traditional schedule. In some cases, one or both worked from home. There were a few dads who were the primary homeschooling parent or regular attendees at park days. My DH is self-employed at home while I've been a full-time student the whole time we've been homeschooling so far and I will, at some point in the hopefully nearish future, be working 2-3 12-hour shifts a week (officially "full time", but with a flexible schedule that would allow us to homeschool even if DH had a more typical work schedule himself).

Or, as others have suggested, you can do this yourself. I kind of wonder how much of your anxiety about her future is rooted in some sort of dissatisfaction or anxiety about your own life. Examine what's going on in your head (financial stress, feeling you haven't accomplished enough of what you want in life, fear you're not contributing enough to society, not sure what you'll do after the kids are grown...), and see if there's anything you can do to address that. Find (or create) a flexible job, volunteer somewhere, find outside activities, take classes (towards a degree or just whatever looks interesting) at a community college - online or via some other form of distance ed if you like the idea of "homeschooling" yourself or can't otherwise work it into your schedule.

And, if it's still an issue once she's in her teens, you can be blunt about how being a SAHM is a perfectly worthy career, but the pay totally sucks, and it puts one in a very dependent position from which it can be hard to escape, so it's good to have some sort of other ambition or fallback plan. Just like you'd presumably be upfront about the downsides of any other career you were concerned about.

[AAK]

See, for me, being a SAHM is a choice. I am not "stuck" here like many women felt they were in earlier generations. I went to college, got a degree, held a job. . . all with the intention of staying home once I had children of my own. I like that I know that I am prepared and am capable of supporting myself should I ever need to. But right now, I like knowing that my contribution to the family is great even if it isn't financial.

For my dds (I have 3)--I hope that they will have the luxure of choosing whether or not they stay home. For many families, it isn't a choice--they can't afford to have a parent stay home. Either way, I want them to prepare themself for a future that may include a career. That way, if they need to work--they have a greater chance for a well paying job that they might even enjoy and has potential for advancement. Also, even if they think they want to have children, many people struggle with fertility. I certainly wouldn't want them skipping a college education or other life preparation simply because of the family they want to have. By getting my degree and then choosing to stay home, I feel empowered and wonderful. I hope that whatever my children do with their life, that they get to feel such empowerment and that they are in charge of their own destiny (to some degree).

Amy

[cheery]

Thanks everyone for thoughtful and insightful replies. yes, it is true, I also had dd after college and several years of working full-time. I also imagine that I will do more other things a few years later though that later seems to keep getting later

The funny thing I realized, is that I currently do various "intellectual things" like write articles on social/economic issues .... all on the computer. She perhaps associates "working" with "working on computer" more than "going to office."

Anyway I agree that age 7 all options are still quite open and I need not take this to be any more definitive than anything else on her long list. I also talked to her yesterday about being able to do / be more than one thing (without specifically mentioning motherhood) and she said, "of course."

I really wish we could arrange society so that women could (if they wanted) have babies in their 20s and then have plenty of time work on careers later. Some people like Savoir Faire manage to do this but how wonderful it would be if women could choose this with confidence. As a society we should have that Savoir Faire ;-)

Now we end up using the prime of our youth chasing careers and then wondering later how to balance and also (like me) risk facing difficulty having children. All because we figured that if we had children first we would face difficulty pursuing a meaningful career (even if we had enough skills to get a job for income if needed).

[tankgirl73]

Just a couple more thoughts on the topic:

At age 7, most kids just idolize whatever it is their parents do. Whether their dad is a firefighter or a janitor or a bus driver or a corporate manager, it MUST be the COOLEST thing in the world to do because MY DADDY does it. So if your DD is saying she wants to be a hsing sahm, it just means that she thinks YOU ARE REALLY COOL and she wants to be cool too.

As they get older, they don't idolize us in quite the same ways (awwww)... and they learn about all kinds of options and they get their own jobs. Or not, if their personal fulfillment comes from raising their families. Which is fine.

We come from the generations where women had to fight against the idea that we were SUPPOSED to stay at home and do nothing else. So there was an idea planted that women who stayed home anyway were those who were 'giving in' to the system and not living up to the feminine potential. But this should no longer be true... We should recognize that since we do have the choice to have a career, then any woman who chooses to stay home does so honestly and for the right reasons. She's not MADE to do it, she WANTS to do it, and that is true women's lib.

But she's still just 7.

Anyway, my other point was about the idea of the example that you're setting... Think about the generations we came from. The first generations of career women were raised by moms who were, for the most part, SAHM's, right? Yet these women overcame that "negative influence", if you want to see it that way, and set their own paths.

[crunchy_mama]

Originally Posted by zeldamomma

I don't feel demeaned either, but I don't want my daughters to feel like they need marry and have kids to have a fulfilling life. I want them to have options, and I want them to know they can support themselves and their children if need be.

I didn't say any of those things. We are not all called to be married w/ children (IMO). SAH doesn't always work out for a myriad of reasons. However, the continuation of the demeaning of staying home is bad for all women. I am raising my children w/ the best education I can and if they choose to pursue it further fabulous if not, then that is their choice. I will not see them if a lesser person for that choice. I do not judge my success or anyone else's on a college degree or career. I more worry about what kind of person they will be. What their values are and how they live them out.

[junie]

I haven't read all of the responses yet, but I wanted to share a personal example that I think illustrates that the most important thing is to encourage your daughter to follow her dreams, regardless of what they are.

When I was growing up, my mother ALWAYS worked (I think maybe she stayed home for the first 6 months of my life, but that was it. I was actually lucky because she went back to work 4 days after my brother was born). She had to work, couldn't afford to stay home. My dad stayed home for a bit when he was unemployed, but not that long. Also, most of the women in my family worked, including my grandmother.

So I grew up thinking that women were SUPPOSED to go out to work, although most of my school peers had mothers who stayed home. I was convinced that women shouldn't stay home, that it was bad. Then it came time for me to have children of my own. I really, really WANTED to stay home, but felt guilty about it, like I was doing something wrong. And not because my mother made me feel guilty. She just wanted me to be happy. And she, herself, hated working full time when we were young. She wanted to work part-time, but couldn't.

I did choose to stay home, BUT it took me a LONG time to feel comfortable with my decision. I really struggled. And if I'd had a mother who was pushing me to work, I might NOT have stayed home. Society was already sending a VERY strong message that smart women don't stay home.

Anyway, the point of my story is to say that if you encourage ANY direction over another for you daughter, you may cause her conflict later on in life, regardless of what it is you're promoting. And she's likely to feel conflict anyway. Even though we've come a long way, our society still does a really good job of making women feel guilty no matter what they choose. I think we should encourage our daughters to choose happiness, regardless of where that takes them. Since your daughter will almost certainly feel pressure from other sources at some point in her life, it would help her to have someone in her life who encourages her to just be happy and not worry about the opinions of others.