Please help me before I lose it...

[mamagrigsby]

Okay, I will try and make this as short as possible. My husband has been a police officer for the last 5 years. He does not make a lot of money doing it but really loves his job. He also builds websites on the side and does two nights a week of off-duty police work. This has allowed me to be a stay at home mom. We have an 18 year old and a 6 year old. Three months ago (June) my husband left the PD to help a friend with his already up and running consulting business. He anticipated making $5-6,000 per month by the end of August. Needless to say, he hasn't made squat. Not one dime. Fortunately, he kept a reserve officer position with the police dept so that he can still work off-duty jobs and also go back to the department if this business thing fell through. Right now we are living off of $360 per week which is from off duty jobs. The website business has been extremely sporadic. People are not wanting to spend money these days like they used to. We just purchased our first home 4 months ago in May. We had anticipated being able to afford it based on our income last year ($85,000). My husband worked a lot of off-duty and overtime and had quite a few web jobs come in. We also thought for sure that him becoming part owner in this new business we would be very comfortable financially. I am actually really angry at my husband for making such a bad decision without totally thinking everything through. He should not have left the PD until he was at least making a little bit of money from this consulting business. Anyway, he has an opportunity to go back to PD, but it only pays $42,000 a year. He can get overtime and he can also work 2 nights a week doing off duty. But even then it will be tight. My concern is what if for some reason there were budget cuts and overtime went away. And what if the off-duty work went away. It's never guaranteed. Should you really live off of overtime and off duty jobs? I am looking for part time work now that my daughter is in school full time, but I don't want full time because I want to be there for my daughter. And I don't want to pay childcare. Okay, so, my husband has also applied for a government job that he actually may have a pretty good shot at because he worked with the supervisor of this position. This supervisor used to be with the Police Dept. It would pay double what the PD pays. BUT, he found out today it could be a long hiring process and, of course, we don't even know if he'll get it. In fact, there is going to be some tough competition. Because our finances are so bad and we have no money, he is afraid to wait it out and thinks he should just go back the PD. We even applied for food stamps today which we can't get because they look at what we made for the year. So, I guess I am looking for input on what we should do. We are getting behind on everything and barely have money for food. Here is the other big thing. We have always lived outside of our means. We should have never moved in to this house. We were paying $850 in rent and now we have a $1,600 mortgage. Ouch!!! But I don't think we could sell if we wanted to. There are houses in our neighborhood that have been on the market for a very long time. Here is our monthly budget:

Mortgage $1,600
Gas $75
Lights $117
Food $600 (we try to eat mostly organic with only a few weekly meat meals)
Child Support $500 (two more years of this)
Gas in car $150
Netflix $9
internet $20
Cell phones $150 (we don't have home phone and this is for me and hubby, our 18 year old son and my 16 year old stepdaughter, although she doesn't live with us)
House alarm $45 (in a 2 year contract we took over from previous owners)
car $300 (we only have one car, which is a 2004 Murano. Balance is $12,500)
credit cards $100 (total is around $3,000)
Nebraska Furniture Mart $65 (my computer)
car insurance $85
Culligan water $45 (water softener and drinking water)
IRS $50 (this is for a 2007 owing a balance of $800) We found out we owe $2,800 for last year. Don't know how we are going to pay this.
Student Loan $50
*And of course all of the in betweens that come up in life. We have no savings either.

I just feel like I'm at my wits end. Our marriage has definitely taken a toll because of this. I look through these threads on here and see how frugal people live and it hurts to think we have to get rid of everything. I feel like such a failure that we can't better provide for our kids and that we can't do much with them because we have no money. I feel so low right now. And what really makes me mad is that my husband doesn't take a "wise" approach to the predicament that we are in. He doesn't say we have to downsize. His answer is he just needs to make more money and so he is constantly trying to get more website business or help friends out with their businesses. But usually things just fall through. Do I just take the lead and start downsizing. He will do whatever I think we should do. Please help, MDC mamas. I need advice and encouragement.

[zebra15]

This is going to be quick since its late.

1. your dh needs to take the first job he can get. if something better comes along he can always switch jobs. you need income NOW.
2. you need to get a job. is your child in school full time? if so you should only need to pay aftercare at the school which usually is reasonable.
3. can you afford to eat organic? (lots of folks on here swear by organic but can you really afford it?)
4. what about medical insurance, and co-pays
5. other insuarnce/ homeowners, auto?
6. water/sewer/trash?

[Thystle]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} }}



Yes hubby needs to take any job that pays.

Yes you need to downsize as much as possible.

You should try to see if you can put the house on the market.

You will probably have to cut back on organics.

You need to call all contracts and find out how much to get out of them.

You need to look up alternatives to the water softener.



Yes its going to suck. Yes its going to be hard. But you do what you have to so that you can eat and have a place to live. You also have a choice to be married or not... to let go or not... and to work together or not. Only you can decide if it's worth it. We all make mistakes but it doesnt mean we have to allow them to go on forever.


Good luck!!!!

[jellybeanmumma]

Feel for you. My DH is a policeman too. They really don't pay them enough for the risks they take and the service they provide. We're on struggle street at the moment cause I'm full time parenting DS 15mo. Its just turned spring here so we're in the process of planting heaps of veggies so we can have fresh and organic. Not sure what we'll do for next winter - we have a great sunroom so maybe we'll try for a grow room of sorts to beat snow season. Your DD may enjoy growing things too? Even if it takes $100 per week off groceries that's something!

[redvlagrl]

I agree with PPs that your DH needs to get the first job he can. Even if it's a lower salary than he was getting, it's better than nothing!

You're gonig to have to find ways to really, really trim your budget. That may mean:

-No organics *temporarily*. A few months of non-organic isn't going to damage your family's health too much, or at least be v picky on what you buy organic
-IMO, 18 yo and 16yo can pay for own cell phones or at least have a prepaid and get one prepaid card a month
-no netflix
-no Culligan temporarily. I presume the tap water isn't actually unsafe to drink? Drink it with some lemon juice until you get used to it. Or use a Brita which is cheaper
-see if there is a way you can get out of the alarm contract

[earthmama369]

I agree with the PP that your dh needs to get back to regular work as soon as possible. If that other job with higher pay comes through later on, awesome. If not, you won't have wasted months and gotten into worse shape by waiting on it. I think you need to have more income AND downsize your budget. A few thoughts, for when every penny counts:

Gas $75 (Can you lower your thermostat even a few degrees? It will make a difference.)

Lights $117 (Ditto. Wow. That seems high when electric doesn't provide heating. Do you have a/c? Are lights being left on?)

Food $600 (You can really trim a lot here. It will mean making some value-based calls, but at times like these, you simply can't afford to hold the high road when it comes to expensive food. Personally, I feel strongly about shopping organic and local and very strongly about exposing my young children to pesticides. But we can't afford an all-organic diet. So I buy organic for the "dirty dozen" [you can find that list by Googling that catch phrase] and conventional for the rest, unless I catch a good sale. But most of the time we just don't buy the Dirty Dozen, organic or conventional. No one NEEDS out of season peaches, you know? There are plenty of other options. You can also buy less meat. We cut down from seafood [the only meat we eat right now] a few times a week to only once or twice a month, and follow a vegetarian diet the rest of the time. Vegetable and legume protein sources are MUCH cheaper than meat.)

Cell phones $150 (that's actually decent for 4 people. but if you have any extras, like texting, I'd get rid of them.)

House alarm $45 (How much would it cost to break the contract?)

Culligan water $45 (Is your water legally unpotable? If at all possible, I would drop this.)

Student Loan $50 (Can you put this into deferment for now?)

[mamaofprincesses]

OP, I realize you are very stressed right now, but there are a lot of positives in your situation too! Look at the good things:

1. Your DH has a job to go back to, presumably with benefits.
2. Your DH has a second marketable skill, the websites, that he is actively trying to use.
3. You are both healthy and able to work.

Those things put you ahead of a lot of people! Put the student loan in deferment, cancel the Culligan water, have your DH go back to the PD for now, and look for a job ASAP. Please don't rule out all jobs that require a little childcare. I have an almost six y.o. who has been with a sitter of one kind or another for most of her life, at least part time, and she's really fine. She enjoys the other kids when she goes to childcare. And she really enjoys the perks we are able to afford because I work - a trip to the State Fair, a membership to the children's museum, and best of all, a mom who is LESS stressed because she works part time and doesn't sweat where the mortgage is coming from or how to pay for food.

Remember too, that even if you temporarily take a job you don't care for, it doesn't have to be forever. Use it to pay off the car and credit cards and save up some money, and then look for something that suits you better.

[CarrieMF]

Your dh needs to take the $42,000 job. RIght now he's making $18,000. It's a no-brainer here.

You need to suck it up & get a full time job. part of being an adult is doing things we don't want to do(put your dd in daycare, for 1-2 hours a day).

$150/month for 4 phones isn't bad but at minimum your son should be paying you for his portion. He is an adult. The 16yo should be IF she has a job.

Cut organic.

[nola79]

This is what I would do: try and cut the grocery budget by just $25-$50/wk. This could add up to $200/mo, depending how much you are able to cut.
Cut the water....for drinking, you could get a water purifier from the store that would last you for years.
Encourage DH to take the 42k job.
Get a job. Afterschool care is not the worst thing in the world. I had to do this last year with my son in 1st, and he actually liked it, and asks to go back. Plus, they get homework done with the students, so that's less you'll have to do. Another option is to find an early shift job, that you could work while she's in school (like 7-3:30). I've done this as well, and it was ideal!
I would cut the cell phone plan as well. Teenagers are old enough to pay their own bill, or get a prepaid, like a pp mentioned.
Good Luck!
I know it's rough now, but you can do this!

[whoanellie]

Sorry to hear that you are dealing with this right now-it's super stressful. It sounds like you're going to have to make some sacrifices in order to get this under control. I just wanted to encourage you to do it soon- we let things get a bit out of control a few years ago and we are still recovering from it. I'm just wondering if you have layed out the numbers for your husband like you did for us here. It sounds like he's in a bit of denial and the numbers don't lie. I think you need to insist on immediate action- like DH taking the job and then finding one yourself. Trust me, don't let this drag on- the best thing you can do for your family is to get this under control now. To me, it's more important than an extra hour or two each day with your daughter. And I'm a sahm right now so I know how much you must value it, but I've taken on evening, contract and weekend work to keep us squeaking by. If I had to, I would go to work full-time time though, because I know being under that kind of financial stress makes me a crappy parent and crappy partner.
Good luck, it stinks, but it does sound like you have options and resources available to you that a lot of people don't.
Hugs.

[Violet2]

Just a thought to add on to pp, what if you had your DH train you in some web basics or had you do business marketing for this side business? So maybe you can help build the second income and do some of the busy work while he goes back to the PD.

This would help you help him kwim? And maybe build a business that will actually provide for you all in the future.

Truly your situation is not too horrible. You have a job offer on the table. You can make this work.

V

[SoulCakes]

You've gotten some great advice, so I'm just going to add one thought: is there any reason that your DH can't take the PD job and apply for the higher-paying job at the same time? From your post it sounds like your husband thinks it's either/or, but really he can take the 42k/year job and still apply for the other one and hope for the best.

Good luck, OP. I know it sounds tough, but with his job offer and any income you can bring in, you can make it work.

[swd12422]

I think you've gotten some really great advice here. I agree about organic food, for right now... I know it's a priority, but a few months of non-organic won't kill you. You can cut your food budget drastically, which you need to do right now. Also, you might want to check around your area for local farms that might need some help. We have a couple here who started community gardens and charge $10/month (plus a few hours of labor) and you can get all the organic fruits and veggies you need. Some may even donate to your family temporarily if you explain you've fallen on hard times.

See if you can get a job that will benefit your family (i.e., at an auto repair shop if the employees can get free/reduced maintenance and repairs, or a bakery/grocery where you could get end-of-day/day-old freebies) or go to to work for the consulting biz your hubby bought into. Start an in-home daycare (or just after-school care) so your daughter can come home to you AND a few friends (whose parents are paying you).

[Dandelionkid]

How long of a wait for the other job? I would want to wait if I could. It sounds like he has a really good chance at the job!

[mamagrigsby]

Well, hubby found out that he can go back to exactly what he was doing for the police dept starting Monday. I'm actually really happy about that. He will also get a take home car and they pay for the gas. So that will really help. And I am applying for a part time job tomorrow at nearby store. My friend knows the owner and the owner said she is excited about meeting me and needs the help. It's actually a really cute store in a quaint, boutique type part of town. They sell everything from gift cards to kitchen gadgets to toys. It's been there for like 100 years. I think I would actually like working there. So things feel like they are looking up. And I did something today that I'm quite proud of. I shopped at a store called Aldi's. I only bought a few things there, but I am used to Whole Foods. So for me to shop at Aldi's was huge.

Thank you so much for all of the great advice. I love mothering.com I feel like you guys are my friends.

[whoanellie]

That's great- sounds like things are indeed looking up!

[earthmama369]

That's a fantastic update. I'm glad to see you both being proactive and moving in the right direction.

[nola79]

Great update, sounds like you have a good plan!

[mamagrigsby]

Well, I went to the quaint little store today to put in my application and I was offered the job. They thought I would be a great fit. I was excited...until they told me the pay. $7.50. I can't believe people get that little of hourly pay for retail. I told them I was just looking for 10-20 hours per week. They told me they needed 21; Tues. Wed. and Fri. I was hoping for better pay and two days a week. Reason being, I looked at all of my daughters days off from school, such as holidays, conferences, etc. Most fall on Fridays. And Christmas she gets a week and a half off. I have a neighbor that said she would help out some, but I can't ask her to watch my daughter on a monthly basis, and certainly not for a week and a half. And if I put her in after school care I would have to pay for it. At $7.50/hr. I'm wondering if it's even worth my time. So now I am wondering if I should look for something else, although, I know I would love working at this little shop. Pottery Barn Kids is hiring for 10-15 hours per week and they are super flexible. They would work around my schedule. If my daughter has a day off from school, I could just ask for an evening or weekend shift that particular week and my hubby could watch her. They pay $8.50/her. Any thoughts on what I should do? Oh, and the other shop that offered me a job is basically down the street from my house. So, that's a positive. But, my husband just doesn't think it's going to work with what we are needing. He doesn't want me to constantly worry about having to find or pay for daycare.

[nola79]

I would go with pottery barn kids. Reason being, they pay $1 more per hour, and are felxible.