My son is 15, has Asperger's, and has had a rough year- my Husband, the only Dad he ever knew, left last December, we're constantly low on money, and I'm pregnant. My son also hates me.
He will not do the basics as far as helping out around the house- I consider it a "good" day if he puts his plate in the sink after dinner. He refuses to walk the dogs, he refuses to do th dishes, he refuses to do any laundry, he refuses to do anything that's even vaguely considered work. I only ask when I absolutely desperately need help, which is only once a week or every other week these days, but even then, it almost have to physically force him, and that's when he's in a good mood, so most often, I just do it myself. (I'm pregnant, I've been sick the last couple months, I just can't use the extra energy on the off chance I can convince him to help me.)
He tells me "he's 15, he's just a kid, he's lazy, but that's okay, he's had a rough year, I have no right to ask him to have any responsibility- that will come when he turns 18." I've tried talking to him, there's no reasoning with him. It's not an Asperger's thing, it's definitely him taking advantage of the situation and not willing to help anyone besides himself.
An example of our typical day is, last night, he insisted I watch a movie with him. Earlier in the day, he spent some of his money on a box of ice cream, and I'd spent some of my money on a box of donuts. I brought the donuts home, shared some with him, put it in the fridge for either of us to have at any time. He put HIS box of ice cream in the freezer, took out the box of ice cream I bought earlier this week and finished it off. Then came movie time. We always eat ice cream while watching a movie. He got a bowl of ice cream, informed me that he would not be sharing, and sat there eating it in front of me. It did not bother him.
Then, I have this horrible cold, can barely breathe, and I'm about two steps from an asthma attack at any given time the last couple days. He's giving me dirty looks and telling me I need to stop breathing so heavy, he can't consentrate on the movie. Movie ends. It's 11:30. I tell him I'm sick, I have work the next day, I need to go to bed, and he has to wake up at 6 am for school, so he needs to go to bed, also. He tells me he has to do something on the computer, he'll go to bed in a little bit. I KNOW where that's going, but I simply can't stay awake another moment, so I tell him he has a half hour, don't be still awake when I get up to pee (pregnant- that happens every hour or so) and I remind him he needs to wake at 6 am and save time to shower in the morning 'cause he didn't last night. He goes to bed at 1:45.
I wake him at 6, and as expected, he's tired and cranky. He hops in the shower. I walk the dogs and then make him some juice and peanut butter toast. (At his age, he should be doing breakfast himself, but I'm at the point where I'm picking my battles, and if he doesn't eat breakfast, he's so out of it, there's really no point of him going to school- nothing gets done.) At 6:20, I realize he's still in the shower. I knock on the door and tell him he needs to get out. He yells at me "I AM!" and to "LEAVE ME ALONE!". Same happens at 6:30. Same happens at 6:34. And 6:40. And 6:45. At 6:50, I tell him he needs to come out, or I will come in to get him. He gets out at 6:55. He needs to be at school at 7:25- it's a 15 minute walk.
He gets dressed and starts to eat. He tells me he's sick, can't go to school. I don't buy it. I'm sure it's possible that he's getting a cold, as well, but I know him well enough, that if he was really sick, he wouldn't have gotten out of bed, or if he had, he would have told me sometime before I had to bang on the bathroom door a million times to get him out of the shower. He was tired and didn't want to go to school. So, I tell him he needs to go to school, if he was really sick, he would have said something, not stayed up half the night, not spent half the morning in the shower not saying anything about it.
He starts yelling at me how I'm so "abusive" and I "don't give a crap about him" and how I "only care about myself, not him". I (as calmly as I can) point out to him that I do 99% of the things that need to be done around the house and pretty much give him free reign, and it's the law that I have to send him to school, so he's going to school. He tells me to "shut up".
I tell him that I know it's not the best time, but I'm telling him this morning so he has all day to digest it, 'cause I don't feel like arguing with him tonight (he very often clams I "never told him" when I'm telling him to do something or that he's lost a priveledge), so I tell him that this is the third time in a week that we've had similar arguments, I can't do this anymore. Tonight, he will have the computer off by 10, he will be in bed by 11, and he will no longer be allowed to shower in the morning, it must be at night, because I can't do this every morning.
He flips out on how I'm "abusing" him and how he wishes he lived with someone else, ANYONE else, and how maybe he should go into a foster home, he's gonna see what it takes for him to get put somewhere else. (This is not the first time he threatened that in the last couple weeks.) I pointed out that if he went into a foster home, he would not have the freedom he has at home with me- he WOULD have a definite bedtime, he WOULD have limited computer time, he WOULD have someone literally stand over him making sure his homework was done, he WOULD have daily chores, and once he decided that being away from me was not all that, it would be too late- they would have already taken legal custody of him and I would be lucky if I got a couple hours visitation every weekend, they would not let him come back, since it would be proven that "I couldn't handle him in his needs". I also pointed out that, with the baby on the way, for one child to be taken away from me because I'm unfit to take care of him, that would give the baby's father a very good legal standpoint to have the baby taken away from me as well, and put in his father's custody, even though the baby would grow up being abused being in his care. (I know, last part was a cheap shot, but my son is jeapordizing everything, intentionally. I need him to know that the repercussions will his EVERYBODY, not just me, who he's trying to punish.)
Then, my son told me to "shut up" again, and started telling me what a horrible Mother I am and how I don't deserve to be anyone's Mother.
I told him he needs to stop speaking to me like that, he needs to stop disrespecting me. He kept doing it. So I told him that he has no computer when he gets home tonight (the computer is his obsession- he will play for 10+ hours if I let him). He told me I couldn't stop him. I told him that I might not know about computers, but that's even worse- if I have to take his computer apart, I might not take it apart the right way, I might accidently break it. He told me to watch my back- I'm not the only one who can destroy a computer. (We each have our own.) The he left for school.
This all happened in a 15-20 minute period. This (or similar) happens 4-5 times a week. My son is in therapy, but he believes he does not need it, he does not want it, and he's very close to outright refusing to go. I need to take time off of work and physically get him there, or he doesn't go. It has been implied by the school that if he does not go to therapy, that they will need to take "more aggressive action" on his behavior. (At school, that basically consists of refusing to do any schoolwork. At home, all bets are off.)
I don't know what to do with my son anymore. He's intentionally destroying our family- he knows what the repercussions will be. He doesn't care what happens to me, to the baby, to himself. I can't get through to him. He hates ME because his Dad left last December, because his life has changed so much, and I can't do anything about it.
He will not do the basics as far as helping out around the house- I consider it a "good" day if he puts his plate in the sink after dinner. He refuses to walk the dogs, he refuses to do th dishes, he refuses to do any laundry, he refuses to do anything that's even vaguely considered work. I only ask when I absolutely desperately need help, which is only once a week or every other week these days, but even then, it almost have to physically force him, and that's when he's in a good mood, so most often, I just do it myself. (I'm pregnant, I've been sick the last couple months, I just can't use the extra energy on the off chance I can convince him to help me.)
He tells me "he's 15, he's just a kid, he's lazy, but that's okay, he's had a rough year, I have no right to ask him to have any responsibility- that will come when he turns 18." I've tried talking to him, there's no reasoning with him. It's not an Asperger's thing, it's definitely him taking advantage of the situation and not willing to help anyone besides himself.
An example of our typical day is, last night, he insisted I watch a movie with him. Earlier in the day, he spent some of his money on a box of ice cream, and I'd spent some of my money on a box of donuts. I brought the donuts home, shared some with him, put it in the fridge for either of us to have at any time. He put HIS box of ice cream in the freezer, took out the box of ice cream I bought earlier this week and finished it off. Then came movie time. We always eat ice cream while watching a movie. He got a bowl of ice cream, informed me that he would not be sharing, and sat there eating it in front of me. It did not bother him.
Then, I have this horrible cold, can barely breathe, and I'm about two steps from an asthma attack at any given time the last couple days. He's giving me dirty looks and telling me I need to stop breathing so heavy, he can't consentrate on the movie. Movie ends. It's 11:30. I tell him I'm sick, I have work the next day, I need to go to bed, and he has to wake up at 6 am for school, so he needs to go to bed, also. He tells me he has to do something on the computer, he'll go to bed in a little bit. I KNOW where that's going, but I simply can't stay awake another moment, so I tell him he has a half hour, don't be still awake when I get up to pee (pregnant- that happens every hour or so) and I remind him he needs to wake at 6 am and save time to shower in the morning 'cause he didn't last night. He goes to bed at 1:45.
I wake him at 6, and as expected, he's tired and cranky. He hops in the shower. I walk the dogs and then make him some juice and peanut butter toast. (At his age, he should be doing breakfast himself, but I'm at the point where I'm picking my battles, and if he doesn't eat breakfast, he's so out of it, there's really no point of him going to school- nothing gets done.) At 6:20, I realize he's still in the shower. I knock on the door and tell him he needs to get out. He yells at me "I AM!" and to "LEAVE ME ALONE!". Same happens at 6:30. Same happens at 6:34. And 6:40. And 6:45. At 6:50, I tell him he needs to come out, or I will come in to get him. He gets out at 6:55. He needs to be at school at 7:25- it's a 15 minute walk.
He gets dressed and starts to eat. He tells me he's sick, can't go to school. I don't buy it. I'm sure it's possible that he's getting a cold, as well, but I know him well enough, that if he was really sick, he wouldn't have gotten out of bed, or if he had, he would have told me sometime before I had to bang on the bathroom door a million times to get him out of the shower. He was tired and didn't want to go to school. So, I tell him he needs to go to school, if he was really sick, he would have said something, not stayed up half the night, not spent half the morning in the shower not saying anything about it.
He starts yelling at me how I'm so "abusive" and I "don't give a crap about him" and how I "only care about myself, not him". I (as calmly as I can) point out to him that I do 99% of the things that need to be done around the house and pretty much give him free reign, and it's the law that I have to send him to school, so he's going to school. He tells me to "shut up".
I tell him that I know it's not the best time, but I'm telling him this morning so he has all day to digest it, 'cause I don't feel like arguing with him tonight (he very often clams I "never told him" when I'm telling him to do something or that he's lost a priveledge), so I tell him that this is the third time in a week that we've had similar arguments, I can't do this anymore. Tonight, he will have the computer off by 10, he will be in bed by 11, and he will no longer be allowed to shower in the morning, it must be at night, because I can't do this every morning.
He flips out on how I'm "abusing" him and how he wishes he lived with someone else, ANYONE else, and how maybe he should go into a foster home, he's gonna see what it takes for him to get put somewhere else. (This is not the first time he threatened that in the last couple weeks.) I pointed out that if he went into a foster home, he would not have the freedom he has at home with me- he WOULD have a definite bedtime, he WOULD have limited computer time, he WOULD have someone literally stand over him making sure his homework was done, he WOULD have daily chores, and once he decided that being away from me was not all that, it would be too late- they would have already taken legal custody of him and I would be lucky if I got a couple hours visitation every weekend, they would not let him come back, since it would be proven that "I couldn't handle him in his needs". I also pointed out that, with the baby on the way, for one child to be taken away from me because I'm unfit to take care of him, that would give the baby's father a very good legal standpoint to have the baby taken away from me as well, and put in his father's custody, even though the baby would grow up being abused being in his care. (I know, last part was a cheap shot, but my son is jeapordizing everything, intentionally. I need him to know that the repercussions will his EVERYBODY, not just me, who he's trying to punish.)
Then, my son told me to "shut up" again, and started telling me what a horrible Mother I am and how I don't deserve to be anyone's Mother.
I told him he needs to stop speaking to me like that, he needs to stop disrespecting me. He kept doing it. So I told him that he has no computer when he gets home tonight (the computer is his obsession- he will play for 10+ hours if I let him). He told me I couldn't stop him. I told him that I might not know about computers, but that's even worse- if I have to take his computer apart, I might not take it apart the right way, I might accidently break it. He told me to watch my back- I'm not the only one who can destroy a computer. (We each have our own.) The he left for school.This all happened in a 15-20 minute period. This (or similar) happens 4-5 times a week. My son is in therapy, but he believes he does not need it, he does not want it, and he's very close to outright refusing to go. I need to take time off of work and physically get him there, or he doesn't go. It has been implied by the school that if he does not go to therapy, that they will need to take "more aggressive action" on his behavior. (At school, that basically consists of refusing to do any schoolwork. At home, all bets are off.)
I don't know what to do with my son anymore. He's intentionally destroying our family- he knows what the repercussions will be. He doesn't care what happens to me, to the baby, to himself. I can't get through to him. He hates ME because his Dad left last December, because his life has changed so much, and I can't do anything about it.
to you. I hope things turn around for the better soon. 
